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 |  Sing it if you understand... |
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2Am and I'm still awake writing a song If I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to. And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud And I know that you'll use them however you want to. But you can't jump the track We're like cars on a cable And life's like an hourglass glued to the table, No one can find the rewind button now Sing it if you understand...and breath... ~ Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This blaze was destined for you to be refined My plans for you this battle I had to require Even though, the fire is known to leave ashes behind These ashes will leave in you a God-Given Fire... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This woman prays... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ~ Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them Beauty for Ashes the oil of joy for mourning the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. |
| I didn't mean to scare anyone with my scattered words of yesterday. Or bring anyone down... I wasn't in a wreck. I didn't relapse. Each sentence I wrote marks an event that happened during the weekend. Worded in a way that only I can understand. I wrote with symbols. I wanted to sing last night but I couldn't. I did a fifth step with my sponsor yesterday. Hence... I smoked five feet. My mind and my emotions were mush. I still feel a pulpy mass this morning but better after a good night's rest. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. During the fourth step, I wrote a list of my resentments and my fears. During the fifth step, I read that list to my sponsor and then she ever so softly encouraged me to look at my part. What is the fear behind the resentment? What's the wrong idea behind the feeling? What character defect in myself is keeping my distaste for these people active, thus is affecting how I feel about myself and those about me? For example: I resent Greta for the way she treated me. I still clam up and wall up when she speaks to me. I just don't like her. Same thing with a man named Ken. One that came to my home on New Years Day for dinner. Tried to bribe me with flowers and a thick wallet. I resent him for trying to control me. His attempt was subtle and maybe not even intentional but I spotted it and I grew resentful. He suppose to be church folk! Always speaking up about God and the bible in our meetings, yet I was but 30 days sober when he attempted to manipulate me. They say... You spot it... You got it. Took me forever to come to believe that, still sometimes I don't want to but more often than not, that cliché shows itself true. Both of these people (I felt and resented) that they tried to control me and I have since labeled them as self-absorbed and self-deceived. Piece of shits! These are the two I spoke about in a previous entry. The two that I almost left my home group because I felt they had wronged me and though I honestly had forgiven them, I still hold it against them. I know this because when they speak to me, I cop an attitude and immediately become defensive. I just don't like them. I guess I felt obligated to make that obvious for some reason. So Sherree and I wrote another character defect and character asset list yesterday. (This is my second trip through the steps.) I realize that I felt if I didn't like you then I couldn't love you or wish you well. I guess I felt I had to steer clear of these people, like maybe they were the devil in flesh. I don't know how I felt, but my sponsor tells me I don't have to like everyone, but for my own well being, it's best that I love them with a God kind of love. Hence... I may not like you but I do love you. My sponsor made me write down: " I don't have to like everybody. Everybody does not have to like me." On the liability list she encouraged me to write that I internalize and take things personable. Now when I think of that resentment towards Greta and Ken, I think about how the way they acted has nothing to do with me. It's about them, not me. I've talked to Sherree about Greta on numerous occasions. I have never talked to her about Ken, but it was a trip during the fifth step I began to say to her, "There is this man in our home group...." She cut in at that very moment, "Ken?" YEAH! You heard something? She said no but that she knows me and she saw my proverbial walls roll out every time he came into my view. She already knew there was something bothering me about him. I am so transparent. Those that pay attention to my expressions never have to wonder what I'm thinking. This is not always a good thing either. It leaves me wide open. Some mistake my pellucid nature as vulnerability. As did a bike rider named Ben who sat next to me in a café Friday night. Friday night he found me "charismatic", said I sparkle. (It's the booty dust). He carried on saying, I'm a beautiful lady, inside and out. An answer to a prayer he whispered. He couldn't keep his eyes off me as he stared across the meeting room in my direction... He has 30 days sober and has been coming regular to our group for the last month. I knew I had an audience in him. Most women know when a man's looking. So when he told me these things, it was no surprise but still flattering. He needed a place to stay. He told me about the bed bugs he sleeps with now. My heart went out to him. I wanted to help him. What about Justin? Justin has a large apartment and will let you crash at his pad. No... Justin cusses too much, he protested. We sat on a brick wall outside of the place he stays till 3am Saturday morning. Hence... I sat balanced on a brick wall. He asked me to consider the idea of letting him roommate with me. He wanted to help me in my time of unemployment. He asked that I sleep on it and meet him for breakfast at 8am at the same café we sat next to each other just hours before. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oaj96E5xmEU Yeah, the moon don't hang quite as high as it use too. I didn't have to think about it, though I told him I would. I knew what the right thing to do was. I just needed to convince those raging emotions that I wrote about in Friday's entry, of that right choice. I knew that him shacking up at my place would be a near death experience for all that I'm trying to accomplish at this point in my life and vice versa. (If he is even sincere about his recovery) At 8am I was where I told him I would be. We chatted over breakfast and I broke the news to him as gently as I could. I explained to him that when we begin our journey of recovery, it's suggested we wait a year before getting in or out of a relationship. It's also highly suggested that the men help men and the women help women. I also explained to him that we call them, "predators", the people that get sexually or emotionally involved with a baby in recovery. Relationships are a life or death situation in these types of circumstances. In this particular case, I would be the predator since I'm am the oldest in recovery. He said he was thrilled to be prey and continued with efforts of changing my decision. Which was to no avail. By mid day Saturday it appears I lost my sparkle and charisma, in his eyes. He later got real with me and admitted that he saw me as a 'good package.' He corrected my above statement and said that he was in deed the predator. I've come to believe it so. Unfortunately for him, he mistook my kindness for weakness. I don't believe there are victims, only volunteers. I'm not signing up anymore. Saturday I wore a shirt that read, Make Friends, Not Drama... After this adventure was over and he toodled away towards the next sparkler, I looked in the mirror and respected the woman I saw looking back at me. He was a Randy repeat. He was good too. I almost took the plunge but didn't, got close... Sherree cut her hair off! My best friend cut 10 inches from the mane. Almost drank over it. She did it for Locks of Love, donated her hair to their cause. It's a cute cut but I love long hair and it broke my heart. I honestly got sick to my stomach when I saw her. It really is an adorable cut that is flattering on her, but I'm just a long hair loving kinda gal! Writing a letter to a broken 12-year-old girl. One that I've known for 31 years, vaguely. Sherree gave me the above assignment yesterday. I'm suppose to write a letter to a 12 year old version of me and tell me what I would tell a child now, that I knew was living in the conditions I was in at that age. What would the adult me tell the 12 year old me to help or comfort her through a difficult childhood? My eyes grow misty with just the thought of it. This will be a tough assignment. Penny's funeral is today at 4pm. Seeing shiny pennies all around ... The wrong date was published on the obituary in yesterday's paper. I cut it out and added it to the fold in my big book cover along with Shafter's and the many others I have seen leave this world in the last year. http://www.legacy.com/oaoa/Obituaries.asp?Page=Notice&PersonID=110332710 It's going to be an emotional day. I'm already feeling it. I have spent much time away from home this weekend. I've been to a dance, a bbq, did my fifth step, helped out with a workshop my sponsor put together and Sweating progression through my pores. I've not walked this way before. I'm in uncharted territory, but I have beautiful guides, one with short hair and another that just stepped into a higher realm. |
| Did y'all miss me? Did y'all notice I been missing over 48 hours? If not... Up Yours I've been par-tayin'. Had a near death experience with a bike rider named Ben. Flew high, the crash wasn't so bad, I've bled harder. My best friend cut 10 inches from the mane. Almost drank over it. And I met a 31-year-old virgin. Slid down an electric line. Balanced on a brick wall. Kept one eye shut, waited on the fog to clear. Then smoked five feet. Make friends, not drama. Almost took the plunge but didn't, got close... Seeing shiny pennies all around. Sweating progression through my pores. Sending my heart through snail mail. Then writing a letter to a broken 12-year-old girl. One that I've known for 31 years, vaguely. I think it's going to rain. Sweet T and chocolate kisses. One week for six months, swinging peril minute by minute. If this puzzles you. Then you understand perfectly. Though I may not like you, I do love you. Word. I've seen a rich man beg I've seen a good man sin I've seen a tough man cry I've seen a loser win Seen a sad man grin I heard an honest man lie I've seen the good side of bad And the downside of up And everything between I licked the silver spoon Drank from the golden cup And smoked the finest green I stroked the baddest dimes at least a couple of times before I broke their heart You know where it ends... usually depends on where you start http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gZEox8Crwc |
| I stayed up into the early morning hours reading my new friend. Today I'm tired and when I'm tired I get down on myself and when I get down on myself, I get really really down on myself. Still my emotions are violently up and down sometimes. Nothing like they use to be but still chaotic. Chaotic... is how I'm feeling on the inside. I can't stay focused on anything. I've attempted to arrange the clothes in my closet twice, both times lost complete interest and left the job undone, clothes flung all over my bedroom. I've decided to wash and vacuum out my car at least three times, each time walking out into 100-degree heat and quickly retreating. Am I doing enough job hunting? Should I be doing something that I'm not doing? I've honestly had other things on my mind when job hunting should be top priority, right? Sheree keeps calling me to do my fifth step; I haven't even looked at my AA studies in almost a month. We are preparing for Penny's funeral on Monday. My summer clothes shrunk! I say I'm going to eat healthier and then I forget! Until after I ate unhealthily and the misery and guilt kick in. My emotions are wild. Hormones raging! Maybe it's the 6-month jitters. I dreamed that I got wasted. I woke up thinking I blew my dry date! I was pissed. I got to do something drastic to get myself back in gear. But a nap sounds better... I'm to damn sensitive. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaSDEUITIfk |
| This mornings interview lasted over an hour. The boss is about 30 years my senior and is from India. His name is Uday. A bit dry but seemed fairly easy to get along with. He offered me beginners pay rate since I do not have experience in the oilfield industry. I thought that was a lame excuse but still the beginners pay is quite acceptable to me. He then led me into what will be my office if I get this job. It's huge! Antique wood bookcases climb every wall. The resigning Admin still has her cowgirl décor and pictures of her husband and kids all about. I was then left with her to test in MS Excel and Word. She and I ended up shooting the shit for a good thirty minutes; she then told me I did damn good on testing. That she would ensure Uday knew! I did begin building a report from ink scribbles that a salesman had turned into her, but our conversation soon took over and the report was forgotten. She basically informed me on all the office gossip. Advised me about the dickhead salesman, Ken. Even during the interview Uday told me about dickhead salesman Ken. Asked if I was thick or thin-skinned? He won't be the first dickhead I've ever come across. Most likely, not the last. He's probably an alcoholic. We'll probably get along just fine. That's what I thought but I didn't say it. I just told Uday I've learned to adapt to many different personalities in my career. That is no lie either. So I'll know something next week. Uday told me that he's interviewed over 30 people and only 5 have passed the testing. I think Admin chic just decided she didn't like those other girls, cause that sure didn't feel like a test to me. It was like an interview with the girl I am replacing basically. She has three kids and has decided to be a stay at home mom instead of paying for childcare. So then I spent a good 15 minutes searching for this company that is asking for a secretary in today's local paper. I'd never heard of this business but decided to give it a whirl. I finally find it, walk in and my old bosses wife is sitting at the front desk. The boss that terminated me and then paid me unemployment, appealed the courts decision and then lost. Yeah, it got nasty! We went toe to toe and I smeared that ass! However... I now see my part in the situation and I understand why they let me go. They didn't know I had an addiction disease. They would have known had they drug tested me, they didn't, but it was obvious I had issues. Still the termination was ruled unjustified. Anyway, I said, Damn... "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" With a fake ass smile across my face. Turns out this is a sister company (just recently in business) to the one I worked for and was fired from. She asked how she could help me. I breathed, paused, breathed again, smiled, paused, deep breath... "I came here to inquire about the secretarial position but I think I had better pass. You guys won't hire me anyway." I played that statement off with a laugh. And yeah...THAT is what I said. * Roll eyes * I'm not sure if she was playing nice or stupid but she acted shocked and said, "Well we might. You never know." "No you won't, but thank you and I do apologize for taking your time." And I walked out with the speed of lightening. That was a very awkward moment for me. This man I worked for was a small business owner. His wife, kids, grandkids and even the family dog was up at the office every day of the week. I am certain she recognized me. How could she not after the battle in the end, but she was nice. I was as nice as I could be in that predicament. My step father and I have had a recent 'moment'. While he was in the hospital, had the tubes down his throat and every other hole in his body. I had tears streaming down my face as I told him that when he gets off these machines and out of this hospital bed, I want him to start calling me his daughter, not his step daughter. I didn't know if he heard me. I didn't know if he would remember. He was so sedated and so lifeless when I told him this. Well...He remembered and hasn't stopped talking about it. Every time I see him he says some thing about HIS daughter. "I've always wanted a daughter." "I couldn't have picked myself a better daughter" "My daughter is beautiful" always on and on about the daughter thing. It gives me an internal jolt of emotion every time to. It's just really cute and sweet the things he says and how he says it. He told me that for so long he wanted to introduce me as his daughter but that he didn't know if I was ok with it. In the past I had some kind of twisted allegiance to my real dad and when someone would refer to my step dad as my dad, I would always correct them. I don't know why I felt obligated to do that. Or how I could be so inconsiderate to the man that loves my mother and in reality has been more involved with my life in the 15 years he's been married to my mother than my real dad ever has. He left a message on my answering machine today and it just cracked me up... he said, "I called to talk to my red headed step daughter that's really not my red headed step daughter but is really MY own red headed daughter..." Then he went on with leaving his message like he wasn't even trying to be funny, just damn serious. He is so cute! Anyway, the reason I'm bringing all this up is because he told me about his most embarrassing moment today. I'm having a hard time typing because I'm laughing so hard thinking about it. Mom and Mike went on a road trip this last weekend and since Mike is still healing from his surgery, he still has a gash on the side of his stomach about 5 inches long. It still bleeds and he has to keep something on it to absorb the blood, but it needs air to heal and doctor didn't want him putting a bandage on it so the doc recommended that he use feminine napkins. Mom and Mike stop at a fuel station to get drinks, stretch their limbs and decide on their next destination. Mike's walking around the store and Mom's behind him a ways, both browsing and just walking the aisles of this little corner store. Mom comes across this used Kotex lying on the floor. She said she curled her nose up and said, Ewww... how disgusting. And began pondering how in the world a woman could lose her Kotex like that. Then SUDDENLY it dawned on her. It's Mike's KOTEX! She snatched it up, trashes it and then whispers to Mike his Kotex was lying on the floor. I'm so cracking over here! She said Mike didn't stop talking about his most embarrassing moment for the next 500 miles! Said he even made up a sad country song about losing his Kotex in front of everyone. I imagine it was something like this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEo8poVlQrM Oh MY Gooodddnesss! I'm a little spoiled, yes I am. I told my Mother how much I enjoyed that romance novel by Catherine Anderson and Mom bought me her entire bookshelf. Every book by Cat Anderson, I now have! I have much reading to do! Gotta Go...   |
| Dear Matthew Michael, I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in Texas I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song Dear Jonathan Timmy, I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragic the better the truth is whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday Dear Terrance Shafter I love you muchly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me Dear Marcus Randy, you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did and it's kinda too bad because we could've had much more fun Dear Lou Tommy, we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career about your whereabouts ~ Alanis Morissette http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgY--PmSaE0 |
Shelly, Leslie, Sherree, Penny, Sarah and me ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Penny passed away tonight at 7PM. She is the tall blonde in the pink blouse. I have the names of my friends listed in order on the above picture. Penny has been sick for some time, so her passing is no surprise. She has over 20 years sobriety and is a huge piece of the heart of our home group. She always sat under the sign that read "But for the Grace of God" she made a point to sit under that sign and said so. It was her seat. When she would introduce herself and say her dry date in a meeting, she would knock her knuckles on the wooden arm of her chair. Then we would all join in with her and knock our knuckles to the wooden arm piece of our chair. Penny talked to God like I'm talking to you right now. She had such a spiritual walk, one that is amazing. She invited me to go to Ft Davis Conference last October. I rode with Penny and Shelly the three hours there and the three back. I learned so much aboutPenny. I grew very fond of her during that time spent on the road. One morning in the hotel room as she was putting on her makeup at the bathroom sink, she quietly told Shelly and I, "We have a visitor". Shelly and I both looked around saw no one but Penny persisted, saying this visitor was here to see one of us, a visitor stepping in from another realm to say hello. Shelly thought nothing of it. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I questioned Penny about what she saw. She said she didn't see anything. She felt it. Penny is one special lady that made a huge impact in my life. I'm sure I'll write more about her in time. Right now I'm not sad. I'm celebrating. She's in a much better place than we are. She is no longer suffering. My sponsor called me and told me she passed as I was searching for the location of this business I am interviewing with tomorrow. I just pulled over to the side of the road and lowered my head. An angel went home today. I'll see her again. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cmyVXlC6UQ It was during that same trip that Penny and Shelly uh... told me what they saw around me. The following is what she told me that weekend and has been copied out of an old entry from last year "Invalid Entry"  *** The spirit world is actually more real than the world that you and I see. She described a tall, slender man. A quiet man with a Jimmy Dean, slicked back hairstyle. She said he had dark weathered skin, dark eyes and dark hair. He was with me, watching over me... he was there because my mother had prayed him there with me. She described my mother's father exactly. It was my grandfather that she saw. She said he was quiet and that he wouldn't talk much to her but that he stood directly above me. My grandfather passed away in 1998... he is everything that she described! Even QUIET! She also said I had three angels. One being my guardian angel that whispers love to me, said she strokes my hair often and hugs on me. She has blonde hair and she sings songs all the time. !!!!! She described another angel... she said the only words she could find to describe this angel is "biker bitch"... she is tough, she wears leather... has long dark hair. She is here teaching me to be tough and stand... Shelly says this angel jabs me a lot... she said the next time you feel a poke or a push ... it is this angel telling you to be strong. She then described another angel that she called the angel of Intuition. She said she appears to be an Indian woman, she talks to me through nature. Shelly also told me that I have the same gift she does but I'm afraid of it and I block it out. This intuition angel is proof of that... so Shelly said. Then she spoke of a male angel. He is different than the other angels in that he is only here because of a crisis that is happening in my life. He looks like a soldier and he is big and burly. He doesn't stay with me all my life like the three angels above... he is only here because I am struggling with something right now. She said, it could be all the life changes I am making... but then she asked if I had lost someone I loved recently? I told her yes... She said that it could be that the solider is here to help me through that. She also told me that Shafter's death was NOT an accident. She said that he committed suicide. He is now in what's called a resting-place and he is being soaked through and through with love. You guys may remember me saying I thought Shafter may have taken his own life... but my logic told me he would not do that to his family, but I knew in my heart... that he had. She said that he was so tired. He was so depressed and he saw no reason at all to keep going... I believe it. One of the FIRST things she said to me... before she said another else... was that I had strong spirituality. She said there were all kinds of strong shades of blue around me leading into lighter shades of blues and greens... all calm colors. BUT She saw red too... which she said is anger, obsession and could sometimes be passion. She said I'm very angry... and not all of the underlying reasons are from this lifetime. There is anger brought over from another life I lived. She also said that I'm denying my anger a lot because I was abused and that I'm so afraid that I will be like my abuser. I fell out of my seat when she said that. There is nothing closer to the truth. I am very afraid that I am like my father. It's obvious in my writing even. I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm a good person. I'm nothing like him. Why? Because deep down inside of me... I fear that I am. When I see myself lose it... I see my dad. And I am ashamed. She also said there is yellow... that means... over processing... She said I THINK to damn much! I run things over and over in my mind and it only hurts me... it hinders my growth. I felt like a real nerd... but I had my little purse journal out and I was taking notes as she spoke to me. She suggested that I do some automatic handwriting. She explained that I should meditate, pray and let God speak through my angels and ultimately through my fingers and words. She said this is one way that my intuition angel will work through me. Actually, she said I had the gift of speaking prophecy and that it will manifest through my writing. She also spoke of two roads in front of me. There are two paths ... if I chose one... then this will happen... if I chose another... she wasn't able to see a sign of what would happen. But she did say there is no man close in my life. She said in a year... AND if I chose the first path... one will come. He will be tougher than I (I don't know about that) will, sandy blonde hair... tall... and a fire sign... but that's all she could see about him. She made a point in saying that I will NOT meet this man drunk. She also said he is at least a year away from my life. Also... she doesn't feel like he is in the program of AA. He ain't one of us! She said... She also saw a little blonde-headed girl in about five years. FIVE! That means I'm gonna be 35 years old before I have a kid?!?!?! I'm gonna be an old woman when she is growing up! But I was very pleased to hear that... only one little blonde haired girl... *** |
I've had a summer head cold for several days now. It's a minor thing, annoys the hell out of me though. After yesterdays blog entry I fell asleep for most of the remaining day. Not sure if the emotions I felt just knocked me out, or if this head cold has me exhausted. I woke up in time for a quick shower to rush off to the 5:30 meeting. Patrick was there...  Oh and the electricity went out during the MIDDLE of the meeting. Didn't come back on either. A room full of recovering addicts sitting in a dark, unairconditioned building having our meeting! By God, we go to ANY lengths. It was a 100 degrees yesterday. 101 today! Man... it's freaking hot. I've been steady at it this morning seeing what job opportunities are out there and where I want to go. I had an interview day before yesterday with Wanda. This woman and I have become friends through email damn near. She is a trip. I will never have to wonder what she is thinking. Turns out she is replacing a woman that is STILL there and doesn't know she is getting replaced. Sucks for her. This is an oilfield company and if hired I will be working in payroll. Yeah... there is some money to be made in an oilfield company. The pay is above what I expect, higher than what I was sticking around Verizon for... so I'm all about this job, even though it is in Midland. I live on the outskirts of Odessa anyway... it be about a 15 mile drive. I can hang with that. I have another interview in the morning. What is it with these people? I emailed my resume within an hour they are calling me wanting me to come down TODAY. Huh... Look I need time to prepare. I don't wish to jump and run off to an interview. I told them that tomorrow morning is the best I got and thus they succumbed to my suggestion. I have no idea what type of company this is. I know the receptionist that called me to schedule the interview had the personality of a STICK. So then I got another call from this place. It is a business I have not heard of before but the guy explained to me that they work with mentally ill teenagers and adults. They teach them how to live, like cook etc. I found this very interesting but of course the pay sucks! However, he did say that there would be a major jump in pay within three months of working there. So... I'm going to show up for the interview on tomorrow and just get a feel for the place. This may very well be right up my alley and if I have to cut back on some things, I most certainly can. If I accept lower pay I may also qualify for assistance in going back to college. So.... My little brain cell is working over time over here. That reminds me of another remark the Mr. Pet Doctor said... He said, "No wonder the Food Bank is going under, look at what they pay their employees!" PUNK! That pisses me off now that I think about it. I should have asked his arrogant ass if he has ever heard of Grants? I along with most of the administrative staff was paid off of grants stooopid! After I turned down the position with him, he asked that I reconsider, think it through. Told me to call him this week regardless of my decision and let him know. I'm not calling the punk... No means no. He may have intended on raising the pay but still even if it was good pay I wouldn't work for him. He also said a comment that comes to my mind now; "So you're a good girl huh?" this was after he asked about drinking or drugs, etc. I considered telling him that I'm a 'bad girl turned good girl'... but I didn't. I just said 'uhuhhh' ... his remark was so inappropriate. Anyway, things are going ok for me. I was scheduled to do my fifth step with Sheree tomorrow morning but now I must cancel it since I am going to an interview at the very time we had set. Tonight I'm meeting with the girls for a step study and then going to another meeting and gunna blush blush as I look over at Patrick. He is blush blushing too. I saw it! But still... I got six more months before I'm even going to consider the idea of getting involved with another man. I'm going to get my closet cleaned out and see if I can find me some summer clothes cause I'm sweating over here! Sweating! I hate sweating. This is one of my all time favorite songs. I have many, I know. This one I use to sing every time I would go out to the karoke club that I hung out every other night. It got to where the DJ dude would have this song ready before he even called me to the stage. I think about God when I hear this song. Always did... even then. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTpvjNn2BUM Bye... |
| I keep my head on straight And my eyes wide open I try to move forward Wishing and hoping I took a hold of myself In the middle of November Don't you look back now Is all I can remember If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experiences can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations, which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. ~ Page 83-84, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous I started this journey November 2006, as of today, 170 days, I have not put a mind altering chemical into my body. Two more weeks and I will be claiming six months of sobriety. That's half a freaking year! This is the longest stretch of sobriety for me since I was 15 years old. First time EVER in my adult life. I'm treading unfamiliar ground. I could make a necklace out of the desire chips I have required. Could make a belt out of the 30-day chips I have asked for. I could even make a bracelet out of the 90-day chips I have claimed. It takes what it takes. Today I know that without sobriety, my God Consciousness is almost non existent and without God I have lost my beauty. There's been a few times when that's all I had to hold onto. That very thought is all that stood between the bottle and me. I have known God since I was 23 years old. I didn't even 'try' sobriety until I was 30. I was a believer even when I was drinking, smoking a crack pipe and selling and smoking weed. I'd even get high while I studied my bible. There are missing and torn pages in the front of my bible because I ran out of rolling papers. Still I use this bible for my studies. On the little bit of page left I have hand written, "Make your invitation by Faith". I believe God said this to me one night as I questioned Him about my own salvation. I believe that to be the first time I heard God speak to me. It wasn't an audible voice; it was a quiet one on the inside of me, a whisper that I could barely hear from my murky soul. I believed in Him and I believed He would strike me sober whenever He felt it time. I kept waiting for a jolt of lightening to zap me into what He wished. I almost just said that it never came, but has it not? A spiritual awakening is not always a bolt of lighting, a burning bush, or a visit from an angel of God. Sometimes... a spiritual awakening is a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery, an overwhelming "God-Consciousness" followed at once by a vast change in feeling and outlook. Though, more often than not, most spiritual awakenings develop slowly over a period of time. Quite often the friends of a recovering addict are aware of the difference long before he is himself. He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. Page 567, AA Big Book. I have undeniably experienced a spiritual awakening. I can not even describe to you the difference within myself. I can not even explain it to myself. God is changing me from the inside out. Sometimes when I'm not even looking he sneaks up and rearranges something on the inside of me. But for the Grace of God... there go I... Grace? It's the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. It means the job still has to be done but the boss man favors me, covers for me and most assuredly has my back. How do you get God's Grace? You ask for it and you believe in it. If you believe in Him, you've got it without asking, though you may not recognize it. This last six months hasn't been easy. My stepbrother died from this very disease that I have. My stepfather almost breathed his last breath in Lubbock Texas. My mother wore out her knees next to his hospital bed. These people ARE my world! I cried great drops of blood as I witnessed a miracle in their lives though it sure didn't feel like a miracle while it was happening. I learned to endure the betrayal of false friends. Two people that I reached out for in the rooms of AA, used my vulnerability as a means to fuel their ego. It HURT dammit! It almost ran me out of the rooms of AA. Many people can talk to the talk, not near as many can walk the walk. Those experiences, though painful... were a blessing. People come into our lives for a reason. No one crosses paths by mistake. Sometimes those reasons are not what we thought. I've not only learned to listen to my heart but to follow it. I've learned to appreciate the light because I have most definitely spent some time in the dark. Those people showed me what I don't want to be like. Those people were in my life to teach me to rely on God, not man. Men have let me down since I was 3 years old and sitting in the lap of a child molester. God has not once let me down. I left a job that I had so much of myself invested into. I left because I couldn't stay sober and work there. I left because losing my sobriety would have been the best choice out of all that my mind was suggesting. I went to any length to stay sober. I'm living on a prayer as I write this. I've learned to set boundaries and I've stepped away from my birth dad. Loving him will kill me. I've learned to let go. I'll always love my dad but I'll do it from a distance. I've come to accept that I will never know what butterfly kisses feel like from a father and I'm ok with it. I know that Dad created so much of my inner turmoil but it's up to me if I stay bitter or if I get better because of those experiences. I wouldn't be who I am if that stuff never happened. I'm thankful that stuff happened. I'm not there yet. Scratch that... I've spent a lot of time alone. I've spent a lot of time getting to know myself and learning to trust that whisper, the voice of truth, that sometimes still can barely be understood through the murkiness of my soul. I've spent a lot of time waiting... a lot of time forgiving, not others... but me. He that conquers himself is greater than he who conquers a city... The promises are being fulfilled in my life. I'm learning to live Living to learn Starting to sing my song Right, or wrong Breaking away Setting me free Free to be, my own me I'm learning to live http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Ee8f-K1R0 ~ Beth Hart |
| I am such a Janis Joplin fan. You did not know this about me, I know. I haven't listened to Janis in so long because quite frankly her music was a trigger to me. I can't even tell you how many times I've gotten out my mind while listening to Janis passionately singing her heart out. Today I can listen and I'm ok. I dedicate this song to all my WDC friends! Watch a legend with me... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ju9yFA1S7K8 Man she moves me... This is one of my favorite songs by her but honestly there is not a song by her that I don't absolutely love. I haven't had time to do much reading on here lately. I'm getting ready to go to a party and so again I must toodle away, but I'm gonna get caught up with all your lives very soon. PROMISE! |
| My head is spinning, emotions are soaring. Not sure exactly which emotion I'm feeling right now, don't think it's a good thing, in fact, pretty sure that's it's more of a not so good thing. There's a guy named Patrick that has been a long time member of my AA home group. He's really shy, rather he is interested in me or not, I have no clue but tonight he asked me to dance. It was the last dance of the night. He put his cheek next to mine and he smelled so good. Our bodies moved in perfect harmony, we clicked. OR I felt a connection. I melted in his arms. I mean I was like a piece of putty and when the song was over I was left wishing that this dance would never stop. I still have his smell on me. I don't know if he makes all women feel like that while dancing. I don't know if he felt it or not, but I felt fireworks, baby! Quiet but colorful... I'm just at awe right now. Afraid to feel this way, afraid that I'm feeling it all alone but just as afraid that I'm not...this makes no sense. He told me as the song began and we walked to the dance floor that this song is one that his family says is all about him. Said that this song was special to him. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umw1-Do3-ho I've noticed him before. I took his shyness as a shun, I thought he was involved with someone. I was told tonight that he is single. Well he just rocked my world with that dance! I wonder if he felt it to or if it is just a figment of my imagination. Maybe I'm the desperate one. I'm over it though! Don't need no man messing up my plans! This week my stepfather learned that his son died of a drug overdose. They were just given the autopsy report Thursday and it is ruled as accidental drug overdose, though many illegal drugs were found the medical examiner ruled cocaine to be the one that killed him. I'm not sure how my stepdad feels about this. He and my mother have gone for a weekend roadtrip with no destination in mind. Leslie baked two cakes for the auction tonight. One went for $300 and the other for $400! I poo you not! It was a fundraiser for our homegroup. I do believe we made a killing! It's been a nice night. I've had a good time, stepped out of my usual routine and we girls had a blast. Tomorrow we are going to a birthday party! We celebrate sobriety dates like normal people do birthdays. Rodney has 29 years of Sobriety and tomorrow we are having a throw down for one of our most precious old timers. He is a fine man. It's going to be another good day. I wonder if Patrick will be there? Oh stop it already! |
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