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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| Do you write more like a male or female? http://bookblog.net/gender/genie.php My first bit of writing turned out female. No big surprise there, I suppose.  |
| I have never made a big deal about Valentine's Day once I reached my teen years. And I vowed that even should I ever get a boyfriend, I would never make a big deal about it. Yet, this year, I find myself a bit frustrated that my husband and I have done nothing for it. I work tonight, so there's really no time left. I plan on going to the store tonight anyway, so I might pick up a box of chocolate or something. This weekend, he went to a game on Saturday and Sunday. He did come home earlier than expected on Saturday, but we didn't do anything. I have no idea why this is bugging me. After all, I haven't gotten him anything. It's not like I've told him that I wanted to do something. Not in so many words anyway. This is just so insane. I can't figure myself out anymore. Maybe I just wanted to go out and eat. Then I feel bad because I look forward to eating or looking for an excuse to indulge in food a bit. I think maybe that's what this is all about. A few weeks ago, I talked to my health coach. Since Christmas, I've fallen off the exercise wagon. I'm still losing a bit of weight by watching calorie intake, but still it's important to exercise. She suggested that I set up some sort of award for reaching my exercise and weight goals. My idea of a reward was some type of food. She suggested making it not food. But anything she suggested either didn't appeal to me or was something I'd just get up and do anyway. I didn't need an excuse to do it. For instance, buying a book was suggested. But I normally know what books I want, so when they come out and when I have the money, I go get them. Why should I make that a reward? It's already a reward for earning the money I needed to go get it. There were other things like seeing movies, getting hair done, getting a massage. In order for me to think any of that was reward, wouldn't I have to feel guilty about doing those things without achieving a goal? I know some people may. But the notion just seems so absurd to me. I am an adult. If I want to go see a movie, I'll go see a movie. What disturbs me about all that, is that I must see food as a reward if I went to that as a first idea. And then the fact that none of the other ideas really interested me. Perhaps the whole reward thing just doesn't appeal to me. But I still worry that food, particularly unhealthy food, is something that I look forward to. I suppose a little bit is okay, but I have to wonder if I'm seeing holidays as an excuse to pig out. It's not like I haven't learned how to have little treats now and then this past year. Hell, I could have a little treat everyday if I exercise and make sure its under my calorie count. Even if I don't exercise, it's still possible, just not as easy. It's also possible, before I started losing weight, that food filled some hole in my life. Now that I've been learning how to properly eat, I have nothing else to fill it and the food wants to take over again. Especially since my only friend just left for Saudi Arabia for a year. Maybe saying only friend is a bit much, but she was the only friend that I routinely went out and did things with beside my husband. It may have nothing to do with food. Or it maybe I'm right about the hole thing and I'm looking for something else to celebrate. Something else to do with myself. On a slightly different note, I realized something else today. Last Christmas, Dad asked me what the best Christmas was for me. I honestly had no answer. They all kind of blur together in my mind. None of them really stand out. I couldn't even remember getting something I had really wanted. Yet, I realized, I do remember one Valentine's Day in particular. Dad had gotten my sister and I each a heart box shape of chocolate. I loved it.(I do believe it wasn't because it was just candy.) I've always had a soft spot for boxes of chocolate since then. Yet, I don't really get them all that often. So, I think I shall get my husband and I a box of chocolate tonight. I do trust myself to keep those in the house without pigging out. Ice cream on the other hand... |
| My head hurts again this Sunday too. Although, I could possibly blame it on just having a Snicker bar for lunch. Yeah, I probably shouldn't do that again. |
"Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense." - Mark Twain (Now whether or not Mark Twain said it, I don't know. He's one of those people that get a lot of quotes attributed to him that aren't his. But it was in one of the curriculum guides I have to go through and no matter who said it, it's so very true.) |
| Not that I've posted a lot of blog entries lately, but I do check WDC everyday. So, if no one sees me online for the next day or so, it's probably because we lost power. We're expecting a nasty storm of ice and snow. The last time we had an ice storm, we lost power for days. Perhaps by warning others, I'll ensure it won't happen. Not that people are probably reading, but I'm trying. The last ice storm happened to us in 2005. We lived in another apartment and only had two cats. Just to be warm for awhile, I would take a shower and let the hot water steam up the little bathroom. For some reason, we still had hot water. The roads were actually drivable, but there was no where to go because the whole city was without power. Some places had generators though. It's an eerie feeling to be driving through a city street at night with no lights anywhere. We pretty much had to sleep when it got dark. We had candles, but it's actually pretty hard to read by candlelight comfortably. At least, I found that to be true. So it was just easier to fall asleep. After the last storm, we were told that our electricity system was better suited to withstand an ice storm. So I'm really not expecting power outages. (Maybe hoping is a better word.) But we're also supposed to get somewhere around twelve inches of snow. Last ice storm, no snow came with it. As long we keep our power, I think I'd be happier with the snow. I may have to use a vacation day to call in from work, but my little Hyundai is not made to go ripping through twelve inches of snow. Even if the University closes, the library will most likely remain open. Somehow, we're an essential service. But, I don't feel like bitching about that at the moment. There's already a nice coating of ice on everything. So, far the lights haven't flickered or anything. |
| I just try to get through Sunday as painlessly as possible. Today is a little tougher because I have a headache. I don't get headaches. At least not very often. I don't have much I want to write about now. I've wanted to write a good number of blog entries lately, but now that I'm here in front of the entry form with a huge span of time, I just don't feel like it. To write about those things would require thought and possibly bringing up emotions I don't want to bring up right now. Kinda part of that whole getting through Sunday as painlessly as possible thing. I may just work on my story a little. I would like to say it's because the days have just started to get longer to the point where I'm noticing now and I know winter is over that hill and we're meandering towards spring. It could very well be. I recall last year the same thing happened. The closer we got to spring the more I got back to writing. I just can't keep doing it like this. I need to find a way to work through the winter. My first year or two here, it wasn't an issue. I read an article last week about how to get through winter blues and the last piece of advice was, 'you're not a bear'. Which means don't hibernate. Continue to do things and go out as you normally would. The last few days, I've been telling myself that. I'm not a bear. Winter is not a good enough excuse. Sometimes it is though. And it still sucks. So do Sundays. |
| (I think the entry title may be a good name for my next blog on WDC. I should be out of entries soon with this one. Meh.) I have not fully recovered from my weekend. This is mostly because I had to be at work this morning at the ungodly hour of 9:30. Even though I managed to fall asleep a bit earlier than normal and slept better than I have in awhile, I'm still feeling very tired. This can be blamed on the fact it's a Sunday, I suppose. It's also winter. It's also break time so no one is here using the library. I also have a very strange spaghetti lust right now. Which is weird, because I had a little bit of spaghetti last night. But it was not enough. Spaghetti is one of my favorite foods, but I don't think I've ever felt this savage need for it. Honestly, who has a savage need for pasta? Meat, yes. Chocolate, yes. But pasta? I shall blame this on abusing my body for the last week or two. It's a terrible thing to be watching one's calories and exercising regularly and suddenly stop doing both. Well, I haven't stopped completely. I'm managing to sneak in exercise and I'm still watching calories, but not to the same degree. But I think it's enough for my body to go 'What the fuck are you doing?' and making me feel miserable for it. But now that the holidays are over, this shouldn't be a big issue much longer. |
| Which really isn't saying much as how every winter is the winter of my discontent. I really don't like the season, but as the years go by I'm becoming more accepting of it and my complaints start to lose their steam. Had I the money, I would have a vacation house for the winter months down south or out west. But if I had that kind of money, I could still live here in a cozy house that I'd never have to leave. It still probably wouldn't stop the dry, itchy skin or the bloody nose though. I've lived in Indiana my whole life. It's home and I have no desire to look for a job elsewhere even if they don't have winter. Vacationing in Florida told me that much. It's a nice place to visit, but there's a difference between nature there and nature here. So, I'm just going to keep complaining about winter. No matter how I might try to view the season, I still cannot come to peace with it. I try to see it from a spiritual level and that helps, but I guess I'm just more inclined to like hot weather. I like this time of year when people have their Christmas lights out because it's a symbol of the light in the darkness, but there are at least two months to get through after December and there will be no pretty decorations. It's no big deal. I just reserve the right to bitch about winter when I feel the need.  |
| I started the month with a night of vomiting and ended the month with a night of vomiting. Technically, there's a few days left in November, but close enough. Being sick for the last two days has allowed me to reach my first big weight loss goal. I now weigh under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I would be more excited, but I'm still recovering from the illness. It wouldn't surprise me if I gained a couple of more pounds as my body recovers. Then again, I'm not too eager about food right now. I've totally failed NaNo. I don't think I have even 3000 words yet. The whole writing thing I'm going to have to work on. I'm not feeling too down about that like I have been. I'm confident that I can work writing back into my daily routine. That's all really. I'm still rather weak and tired from being sick, but I'm well enough to return to work. I only missed one day. I feel bad though because it meant my boss worked the entire weekend because she was already working Saturday for someone who was on vacation. It may be a tiring day, but I think I'll be fine. |
| So, I was working on my NaNo story tonight. I haven't been doing very well at all on it. I just can't find the time. But as I was writing tonight, I realized that the idea I'm currently working on is probably actually the second book. At the very least, the last part. A part of me wants to stop and start at the beginning. I'm not that far into it anyway, but while I have a vague idea of what the first book should be, it's all just vague right now. Maybe I should start and it will just form as I write. That's kinda the point of NaNo, right? But I really would like to have more of an outline. Or maybe I really don't need the first book like I think do. *sigh* I just can't ignore that inner editor. I can for awhile. I'm just so frustrated right now. I don't know how to get un-frustrated. But I'm getting ideas even as I write this. I'm excited about them, but getting them onto the computer has been a chore lately. |
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