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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| Whilst I was on vacation, my baby sister sent me a Facebook invite. I wasn't thrilled, because there are things in my life I wish to keep separate. I waited until I got back to accept the invite. I couldn't quite see how to bar my sister from seeing certain things, but I eventually figured it out. But when I actually got around to it, I didn't bar her from very much. I think the only thing I barred her from where pictures others posted of me on Facebook. Not that there are currently any risque photos of me on Facebook, but I have college friends on there and who knows what they may one day pull out of their private collections? My sister is the first person in my family to friend me. All my other family on Facebook are in-laws. I am sometimes concerned about things they may see about me. Usually what bugs me is revealing political and religious information to them. I just don't want to deal with confrontation because it would be an exercise in futility. I very much doubt we will change each others minds. But they seem to have no problem with making announcements and comments about their views, so I figured I shouldn't have a problem with it either. Thus far, no issues. But my sister. Well, she's my sister, and she may eventually feel she has to say something. But like I decided with my in-laws, I just think: If I'm to be damned, let me be damned for what I really am. (Which is a paraphrase of something Picard said in a Star Trek episode. With Q, I think.) Basically, I just decided not to hide anymore. I'm not going to get into people's faces, but I'm not going to try to hide my opinions either. So, love me as I am, or go. *shrug* And it just feels good to settle on that. Now, what I've been curious to see is how many people in my family and other acquaintances we both know will send me a friend invite. It's been about week or two since I accepted my sister's invite. So far, there have been none. But I don't know how often people check their accounts or know how to look at friends of friends. Facebook will flash your pretty picture on the side and ask if you want to friend someone they think you might know. Of course, I haven't sent out invites either, but I'm the black sheep. It's my job to be reclusive, right?  Also on vacation, I had a dream about a college friend that I hadn't thought of in ages. So I looked him up on Facebook using my iPhone. I went ahead and sent him an invite since I had the dream. I normally don't send out invites given how shy and self-conscious I am. He just got around to accepting my invite yesterday. I'm concerned because it brings me a step closer to some people I'm not sure if I want to talk to again. Or rather, people that I hope have forgotten about me and I'd rather never have them think about me ever again. I found a website that suggested how to set up your friend lists and showed you how to customize what they can see and can't see. The writer suggested three lists: Those you trust, those that aren't that close, and those you don't trust. Those are the gists of the list definitions. You can call them anything you want to make it sound better. After all the don't trust list can just be for those you don't know very well. And you can always change whose on your lists. Then the writer said you could have one for family and work as well. I more or less did that this morning. So, I feel a little more secure in my Facebook doings. Surprisingly enough, I didn't hide much from my family. It became more about securing personal information. Not that I have too much on there. I also take the attitude if you don't want people to know about it, don't put it on the internet. On a slightly different note, because of my college friend, I found an ex-boyfriend. He also happens to be friends with my sister-in-law and nephew. Who are crazy religious in that shout it out from the street corner sort of way. I was technically engaged to this ex. Seeing that he now claims to be conservative and a Christian Eschatologist made me laugh. He was so not religious when I knew him. His parents were though. He must have joined the church my sister-in-law belongs to because I believe its part of that Eschatology thing as well. Even my mother-in-law thinks that the church is a little weird. She's a devout Christian woman herself. If you were wondering eschatology has to do with the end of the world more or less. One thing I have always found amusing is the Bible says no one will know the time or hour of Jesus' return and it will happen when no one is expecting it, so if all these people are studying the prophecies and predicating that his return will be soon, aren't they really delaying it? Anyway, I digress. After seeing my ex's profile, I feel so happy that things turned out like they did. A part of me wishes I could go back in time when I was that poor, desperate, crying girl and show her that he was so not worth it. It also amuses me he's friend's with Benn's sister. He never cared for Benn and tried to warn me. Thank god I had a friend who told me to consider the source of the warning. I'm sure I'm the only one this amuses. Ah, well. |
| This website claims to take a piece of your writing and determines what famous author you write like: http://iwl.me/ I used the first few paragraphs from the prologue of Chasing and it gave me Chuck Palahniuk, who I had to look up.(He wrote Fight Club.  ) Then I put in the first few paragraphs of Chapter 1 from Chasing and it gave me Dan Brown.  So either my style is all over the place or this isn't the best anaysler. Still, it's fun so I'm going to play around with it for a bit. *woot* The first chapter of Servants got Stephen King.  I can just imagine his response...Yay! Later in the same chapter I got Kurt Vonnegut! Super cool if true. Okay, Stephen King is coming up the most often. Huh. Weird. |
| I've been back a little over a week now. My illness is pretty much gone, but I still have occasional sniffles. For some reason, the sniffles were a little worse last night than they have been. I'm eager to jump into writing again, but now work has me exhausted. We're getting new carpeting at work so that means a whole lot of stuff needs moved. Yesterday was my first day moving stuff around and I don't think I've fully recovered. I didn't sleep well the second part of the night and Benn didn't allow me to sleep as long as I wished this morning. But I came to work, ready to go. We get to wear jeans while we do this so that's a bonus. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal, but they jeans are ever so comfy. In addition to the moving, we have a new person who started this week. I've been training her as well this week since my supervisor is on vacation. This is the last day I have to do that. Others take over tomorrow. As exhausted as I am, I still wish more work days were like yesterday. Just keeping constantly busy is nice. There isn't as much to do today, but still more than normal. |
| I have a few entries I would like to do, but life is not cooperating. There were a number of things I had to play catch-up on. I did catch a cold or something. Just when it seemed like I was getting over that, I had some serious stomach issues today. So bad that I had to call into work. I'm feeling better now, but my stomach is still a little wooky. I don't feel like doing an extensive entry tonight. Today we went to Indy for a doctor's appointment for Benn. His knee has improved muchly and the doctor said he can go back to normal work duty towards the end of the month. He still has to do physical therapy and see the doctor in another month. At this point in the morning, I felt fine. We stopped at sushi restaurant for lunch on the way home. I love sushi and have had it before. All I had today sushi wise was a California roll. Everything else I had for lunch, I've had before at other Japanese restaurants. So it wasn't the food in and of itself that made me ill. It may have been some sort of bacteria on the food or something. It could have also been the heat once we left. We stopped to get gas before heading home and it was there that I started to feel miserable. Benn thought it could be the heat. The air conditioner in his car doesn't work so we simply leave the windows down. That was fine once we got on the freeway, but it didn't help much. I managed not to vomit, but I couldn't stay awake. Usually when I get uber sick, all I want to do is sleep. So I got home, called into work and slept for a few hours. Benn isn't any sicker than he has been. He too has the same cold or whatever I had. But his stomach was hurting days ago. I'm not sure what's wrong. I have no fever. I spent a week in Florida with little air conditioning. I don't know why the heat would suddenly be an issue. But the heat has been known to make me sick in the past. *shrug* So, I've spent the time since I got back just trying to feel better again. |
Yes, I'm back. I had twenty-three e-mails when I logged in for the first time. Most of them were reminders about updating the blog. I know I could change the frequency of those reminders, but at the moment, it's easier to just do an entry. Once I get used to my life again, I'll do a better entry. It hasn't helped that I got a cold or allergy or something upon my return. So, I'm back, but not fully functional.  |
| Tuesday I will be going down to Florida with Lindsay again. We will be staying in Atlanta for a night or two before then. I'm really disappointed that Benn can't come. Still, I'm excited about going. I'm already packed as much as I can be. Lindsay wants to pack the car tomorrow so we can leave first thing Tuesday morning and that left me only yesterday with time enough to get the packing done. I'm working normal today and tomorrow. Being so close to leaving, I've kinda left already. It's real hard to stick to doing what I need to do. It's so easy to think that things can be put off or can be ignored because I'm leaving soon. To some extent that's true. When I called Dad today, I told him that I was going down to Florida again with Lindsay. He asked if she was a good friend because he heard of a guy who recently went out with friends one night and his friends robbed and killed him. It's not like I don't think of things to worry about on my own. Not that I'm seriously concerned about her killing me. After all, we were alone for a week last year in Florida. I have to wonder about the guy in the story anyway. I don't know the details but I imagine he didn't hang out with reputable people to begin with. Or something about the situation should have warned the guy not to go, but as I said, I don't have the details. Besides, with my friends, it's more likely that they'd try to seduce me instead of killing me. *ahem* I will be taking a notebook to try to write while I'm down there. I know better than to expect too much in the writing department, but I'm going to try to at least do a little bit of writing while I'm away. I also won't be having internet access. I will have my iPhone, but it's not really good for web surfing or doing reviews and what not. So I can't see myself really being on WDC that much if at all. About all I plan on doing of Facebook is putting up status messages. This is a longer trip than last time too. Plus when we get back it's going to be in time for some sort of 4th of July celebration. Depending on what happens with that, I may not get back to the interwebs til the 5th. The longer trip concerns me because of homesickness and such. I did get homesick last time, although that was about the sixth day in and I got over it the next day. But at that point there was only 2 to 3 days left til we headed for home. See what I mean when I think of things to worry about? Not to mention the driving on the interstates and the vicious creatures of the ocean. And sunburn. And vicious creatures on land. Across the street from the state park we're staying at is an alligator farm. The only farm in the states to have every single kind of crocodile and alligator in the world. It was featured on Mythbusters when they were busting a gator myth. Not that I'm seriously concerned about a gator escaping. I think most gators are further south in Florida. At least, I tell myself that. Lindsay used to live in the area and she didn't seem concerned about such things. But at least the oil is still on the other side of the state. It's driven the sea life (like sharks) towards the shore though. Who knows how long they'll hug the shore? All the way up to Jacksonville maybe? I guess the squirrels are enough to worry about. And they did attack our campsite last time... but they'll do that here in Indiana too. I'm used to living in fear from squirrels.  I am looking forward to going down there again. I've been thinking about that lovely, sunny beach throughout the year. |
| This is an attempt to start writing again, so I have no idea where this going. Writer's block is not the problem. I know where Chasing is going. It seems like I have hundreds of ideas for more stories, and I worry that I'll never get to them. Yet, I'm finding it hard to continue with Chasing. It was going so well too. I don't know what my problem is. I guess it could be simple laziness or lack of motivation. But when I sit there, staring at the story, knowing what's to come, I still can't seem to get anything on the screen. So what is my problem? I tell myself I'm getting ready for a romantic scene and that I just can't do that here at work because the mood is just wrong. But that's a bunch of bullshit. I've written such things here before. When I get home and get my ass on the couch, it's like it drains all my will. The heat recently has not helped. Benn had the air conditioner off this last weekend and having a hot laptop on my lap was not a fun prospect. Yet, I've endured it in the past. It's not like I couldn't find some solution to keep the hot laptop off my lap and still write. Maybe I just got out of the habit of writing. I just don't know why it isn't flowing from me like it used to. It makes me thing that something's wrong me. And maybe I start worrying about that and that further hinders my ability to write. I think I'm losing my ability to wonder and hope. I'm afraid I'm becoming too jaded and cynical. I don't want to be that way. It sucks to live this way. Yet when I look around, how can I feel any different? I want to believe in things. I hope something or someone will come along and do something to restore my faith in the universe. That's about as foolish as waiting on your white knight. But I'm finding it real hard to restore my faith and hope on my own. I think that does effect my writing. I try to look back and see what might have started this, but I can't really find one single moment. I don't know if it's just a bunch of things or something else. Hell, it could be as simple as diet or some mental issues. And maybe I'm just spending too much time thinking, when I should just be doing. So what if something caused this mood? Yeah, I think if I can find the cause, then I'll be able to find the solution. But I'm not finding the cause. So maybe I should just get to doing. Cause all I've been doing lately is wasting time. |
| When I said that I don't care It really means my engine's breaking down The chisel chips my heart again The granite cracks beneath my skin I crumble into pieces on the ground -This Train Don't Stop There Anymore by Elton John A few weeks ago, I just wasn't interested in anything. From time to time since then, it happens again and for the last couple of days I've been disinterested in lots of things. It's a weird feeling and hard to describe. I know a sign of depression is losing interest in things you like, but I don't think this is depression. I associate having sadness going along with the disinterest. But I'm not sad, nor am I happy. I wake up in the morning and don't see a point of getting up. I just do because there's nothing else to do. It's not like I've lost interest in everything. I still enjoy things I do. Lately, I've been wanting to read a whole lot more than I used to. I'm still no where near the amount I used to read when I was younger, but that makes sense. I had more time back then. I've been able to laugh and such, so it's not like I lost my sense of humor. But, I do want to laugh more often because it helps. I also have been listening to more music too than normal. Although, I haven't been able to reach the mediation like state I often get into when I do listen. It could just be that I'm feeling more reclusive than normal. Maybe that's it. Maybe I just feel like shutting out everyone and everything for awhile. It sounds ridiculous because I'm not a social butterfly. It's not like I'm around a ton of people all the time. But maybe I just want to be alone from the few people I do know. But I don't want to shut people out forever either. It could also be I just need to find some sort of meaning again. Or maybe I need to feel worth while again. I don't think it's a self-confidence issue. Maybe Florida is what I need. It was nice to be far away and not have to worry about anything. No one was able to bug me. Or maybe I'm grieving. It'd be over something stupid that I don't want to go into at the moment, but all of a sudden it makes a certain sense. |
| ..when no one is around who might rescue you.* I had a potential finical meltdown today. But my husband was able to intervene and it looks like the issue will be solved. It does mean that things will be a little tight this month, but it's nothing we can't deal with. And once we're past that, we should be fine. But the emotion toil it took on me is still lingering. I really hate that. I keep thinking about it, and I would rather be working on my writing. I think I may try reading for a bit and see if that helps. I've been reading the Poisonwood Bible. Not my usual fare although I do like the title a lot. I heard many others recommend it, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I am finding it hard to put down. But because of this small money crisis, I thought it would be better if I didn't go to Florida this year. Benn's definitely not going now. I'm saddened by that. But after talking to Lindsey's husband, Benn thinks we should be fine if I go. I do have a neat little sum saved up on my plasma card. The vacation was the motivation to keep donating. Although, last week they told me my protein was too low and now I have to wait two weeks at least before donating again. Gr. Which is about the time I'm leaving for Florida anyway. I'm actually willing not to go, but Lindsey booked our campsite already and I guess she's been saving for this trip. Last year it was a bit of the spur of the moment kind of thing so she didn't have too much capital once we got there. But since we planned last summer to do this again, it seems she's been saving. Since she plans on just dwelling on the beach for the most part, it shouldn't be that costly anyway. Blah. Even knowing it's probably going to be all right, I'm still anxious. While I was talking to the snarky bitch on the phone, I just started sweating as if I were running a marathon on the equator. For a few moments after I hung up, I thought I was going to vomit. I'm thinking if I hadn't been taking my anxiety meds, I may have had a panic attack. It's quite possible that was the panic attack, but I never had one like that. Here and there lately, I sometimes feel like an anxiety attack wants to come on, but it never quite gets there. That makes me a bit nervous as I wonder if the meds effects are fading. I think I shall try to become absorbed in my book and maybe that'll be my restart button. * -from Repo: The Genetic Opera |
| Well, my shenanigans Sunday night have earned me break out of poison ivy. My wrist has broken out in a rash and yesterday my friends confirmed the presence of poison ivy in their yard. It's not really bad so far. It's a small rash and it itches from time to time, but it's endurable. I have purchased some ointment to put on it. The worst thing is that I want to pick at it and I have to stop myself from doing that. When I was younger I had bigger outbreak of poison ivy on my arm. At least that's what the doctor said it was. I ended up having two shots because it wouldn't go away. I'm hoping this time it won't be so severe. Other than that, I finally met the new girl at work yesterday. I was told she was quieter than me, which is just sad. But we had a lengthy conversation today and she started the conversation. She did so yesterday too. Maybe we just recognize on our own and she's more comfortable talking to me. *shrug* We're both history majors and she's thinking about getting her MLIS. Despite the Dean of the library telling her not to. She then said she was interested in history. Dean said that wasn't any good either and asked about her other interests. She said 'art'. Dean thought that was a lost cause too. Some people just can't do business, medicinal or computers and all the other stuff that goes along with them. If your interests lay in more marketable subjects, go for it. But if they don't... oh well. I could say something inspirational here, but I think we've heard it all before. I've said it many times, I would have attempted nursing, but I don't like having so many people's lives in my hands. I know the education process should boost your confidence for that sort of thing, but there are other reasons too. Anyway, new girl seems nice. So that's a plus. But still this is only day two of me knowing her. There have been many people I've met that I thought we hit it off, but they turn out to be jerks. We'll see. We'll be getting another new person for nights soon. I'm always a little anxious about new co-workers. Especially where I work now. I love it it here and one person could change that. Unfortunately, it only takes one jerk ass to ruin a place. Everyone else has to work twice as hard to compensate for the negativity. I do have more chapters I'm ready to post on Fantasy. So, I've done a decent job with my writing this week. |
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