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 |  Now my story begins in nineteen-dickety-two... |
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2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to -Breathe(2AM), Anna Nalick ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** For Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day. -Homer Simpson Homer, Please Don't Hammer 'Em ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
If we shadows have offended,/Think but this, and all is mended,/That you have but slumber'd here/While these visions did appear./And this weak and idle theme,/No more yielding but a dream... -William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream |
| My walls came tumbling down last in a flood of alcohol. It's a shame it takes booze to do it. A lot of booze. Usually I only drink enough to get tipsy, but for some reason last night I kept chugging like there was no tomorrow. But I got to the point last night where I had to tell everyone how much they mean to me. It seemed like the most important thing to do. I'm glad I did it, but people usually don't take drunk ramblings seriously. There is a reason for that, but I think if someone is talking about their emotions whilst drunk, then they probably mean what they're saying. Tim was one of those people who doesn't believe anything I say while drunk. But Lindsay told him that for people that keep others at distant and build walls that drinking takes away the walls and they can be open and honest to people. That was the conversation that sent me on my mission. I apologized to people for being so shy when I'm sober, but tried to assure them that I liked them and enjoyed their company. I'm also more huggy and such when drinking and I wish I felt more comfortable giving hugs when sober. One of my high school teachers had read somewhere that a person needs 22 hugs a day for good mental health. Even though I enjoyed last night and said things I wanted to, I wish I hadn't drank so much because today, I feel like crap. And I have to be at work til 6:30. But at least for right now, it's quiet. And no one has come to the counter wanting anything. My stomach just rumbled telling me it's hungry, but it's a damn lie. The very thought of food is making squemish. When I logged in to WDC one of the ads was for McDonald's and seeing the pictures of food twisted my stomach something awful. So I don't know why it's being so insistent now that it's hungry. Anyway, I'm also grateful to all the friends I've meant here on WDC and rest assured, had I your phone numbers, you probably would have had some interesting texts this morning. I wouldn't have called given how late it was. Even drunk I try to be thoughtful and polite. And apparently, I'm still better at toilet repair than others when drunk. Which is just sad. |
| Well, my blog entry reminders have kicked in. I've wanted to write some entries while I've been off work, but just never got around to it. Today is the last day of my vacation, but in a month I'll be on vacation again. That one I'll be going back to Florida. Thus far, the oil is staying on the other side of the state, so I shall be keeping my fingers crossed that it remains that way. Although, we'll be pretty far north in Florida and I saw a current map that makes me hope that the oil wouldn't reach that far as currents would take it further into the Atlantic. I guess we will see. I haven't gotten as much writing done as I would have liked, but I got some done. I did finish watching My Name is Earl. Pretty good series. I just seem to have a knack lately of getting into a series when it's been canceled or it's about to end. *shrug* I suppose if I were Nelson home it would make a difference. Benn is still recovering. We went to the doctor on Thursday. I really like him. He was encouraging Benn to go back to school. Which Benn was planning on, but for some reason this injury stopped him from doing so. The thing is, it seems like his work place may go out of business. I know things haven't been looking good since April 2008, but it seems like we may be down to the final straws. Before his injury, I was encouraging him to look for another job, but with workman's comp paying for his recovery, it's not really been an option. I've ran out of steam for this entry. So, I shall be going. |
| I'm taking my remaining vacation days before June 12th next week. So in about three hours, vacation time! Lindsay invited me to a strip club on Saturday. Not to a male strip club either. This is something she's done before. I guess one of her Ohio friends is coming back from some place and she wants to go. As far as I know, all women going are straight, so it's not like anyone is doing this for some sexual fantasy type thing. I'm really not to keen on going. Not because I have some moral objection or because I'm married. (Hell, Benn wants me to go.) There's a part of me that would go because it's unusual, but that part of me is just saying 'meh' to the whole thing this time around. The only reason I can think of going is just because I was invited and to strengthen friendships and all that. But Lindsay will be the only person going that I know and that by itself makes me shy away. Now if I thought I had a good enough body and I had a chance to dance (not strip) will that may be a different story. I don't know, the thought of someone gyrating their private parts in my face, be they male or female, just doesn't sound very appealing at the moment. Then there's a LARP Saturday night that I agreed to go to before I was invited to the strip club. I pretty much decided I wasn't going to the strip club, but Benn helped Lindsay out with some chaperon thing at her school and he sent me a text that I was going.  I really think he thinks I want to go, but am too shy. For once that isn't the case. I'm just not finding it appealing. *shrug* I have a very strange life. |
| I'm trying to find fantasy books to read on Goodreads, but it seems like the majority of fantasy books are for kids or young adults. Generally, I have no issues with this as I've read plenty of fantasy meant for young adults and have enjoyed it. But there are times I would just like to read something a bit more adult oriented. Granted the Dresden series fulfills both fantasy and adult. It's also urban fantasy and occasionally, I would like to read something more traditional fantasy like. It could just be the fantasy list on Goodreads is more slanted towards a younger audience. Maybe I should try 'adult fantasy' as a search term instead of just 'fantasy'. The more 'mature' books I'm finding there are what I'm calling fantasy literary. While those can be good, I'm just not feeling it right now. It's not like the age thing is so cut and dry. The only Terry Brooks books we have are down here in the youth collection of the library and I wouldn't have classified it as such. I would love to finish the Wheel of Time series, but from what I understand the author replacing Jordan is dividing the last book into three parts. At this point, I'd rather wait for them all to be out so I can read the series from beginning to end. It's a huge, epic series I've been reading since high school. So, I decided like many other Wheel of Time fans to wait until the whole thing is out. Given what I know about writing now, it seems like a miracle Jordan ever got published at all. *shrug* I don't know why I'm looking for something to read right now, as I do have a few books that I've purchased at Half-Price that I haven't read yet. I think I got used to reading more than one book at time. I guess it isn't much of a rant. But still, grrr. It's tough finding something at the moment. It's not just now. I was looking for books to add to my list a couple of weeks ago too. Anyway, back to searching... |
| I tired a DVD yesterday called the Ballet Workout. I couldn't even make it through the first level and my thighs hurt soooooo much. I haven't had muscle pain like this in awhile. It is something that I would like to work on and eventually be able to do all the way, but I'm not sure if I want to buy it. We have it here at the library so that's how I was able to try it. I would feel bad if I kept it checked out forever. But I'm thinking if maybe I worked on as much as could until it doesn't hurt so much before moving on, it may be a good idea. While this is a very good leg workout (and a bit of good cardio, at least for me), I think the video could be improved upon. It was originally shot in 1983 when this kind of thing was first taking off. At least, I think so. I think if they were shooting it now, it would be done in more phases. I can't imagine someone showing up for an actual ballet class and be expected to do everything on the first level. The instructor didn't go through all the moves they're doing. She would show the basic one, but when they did the actual workout, after doing the basic move twice, they would all do a leg lift of some sort. I'm thinking it must be something that is commonly done in ballet, but it would have been nice to be warned about it. The added moves were easy to remember, but for something that depends so much on proper position, I think they could have taken the time to tell the viewer about it. Those women were so damn flexible. I couldn't believe I couldn't even do this one leg lift very high. Being a ballerina is tough. It takes a lot of work to flutter so effortlessly across the stage. And anyone who says that ballet is for wimps should be punched in the face. I stopped during the bar exercises and let the rest of the DVD play just to see how long it went and what exercises were to come. My legs were so wobbly afterward, I didn't trust myself to stand for too long. That feeling lasted a good two hours. Then when I used the stairs, I was again worried about my legs giving out. Today, it just hurts. A lot. Even walking feels a little weird. This morning I was rinsing off my left contact and I felt it slip through my fingers into the drain. I did try to see if I could find it, but I don't think I would have wanted it my eye after being in the drain no matter how well I cleaned it. But I have older contacts and I put it an old left one. But it's not on par with the one I lost. So that's a bit weird too. Even though I haven't said it awhile, Sundays still kinda suck. |
| There are some things I've noticed about bringing a healthy lunch to work. The first one is that it takes me longer to eat said lunch. I think most of that has to do with the fact that I include carrots and sometimes cauliflower. Recently, I've been packing cherry or grape tomatoes instead. The cauliflower lately at the supermarkets looks dreadful. I had a head of cauliflower in our fridge for three weeks that looked better than some I've been seeing in the markets lately. Anyway, it takes awhile to chew such vegetables plus the fact I probably actually have more to eat than a frozen meal provides. A frozen meal takes about five minutes to make and they are all kinda mushy so I probably would wolf it down in like five minutes. Even with the steamer frozen meals, I don't think I've ever had a veggie that I would call crisp. Tasty yes, crisp no. Now, it takes me about fifteen minutes to finish. Which is probably a good thing on many different levels. Another thing, bananas hold a chill for quite awhile. I've been packing bananas for my fruit the last couple of weeks. I just throw my entire pack in the fridge so my banana has time to get cold. I don't care for cold bananas. It takes forever for them to warm back up. Here is a slight tangent about eating taking longer. Last summer, they redid the parking lot I have a pass for. Since they were doing that, we could park in the lot across the street. Well, this summer they are remodeling a building across the street from the lot. And part of this includes them ripping out the road. So the lot has been closed. We can once again park in the lot across the street. But the street is a giant trench so I have to drive to the other side of campus to get to the lot. At lunch, I've been moving my car to the garage since they stop ticketing after 4PM during the summer. Yesterday, I had to traverse the trench to get to my car. There was no easy way to walk around it either. The road is blocked for about two or three blocks. Including some of the sidewalks. There is another lot we're allowed to park in so I tried that today. It's a bit easier and probably about the same distance from the library. I move the car to the parking garage because it's directly behind the library. Since I get off work at 11PM, I don't really want to walk too much of campus in the dark by myself. At least one of the lots is a bit secluded with lots of trees and shrubs that people could use to hide. It's pretty for a parking lot during the day, but it's not a place to wander at night. Anyway, I move the car during my lunch and it takes about fifteen minutes. Add that to the actual eating time of fifteen minutes and I have a significantly shorter lunch hour. Which sucks when I'm tired and want to listen to music to attempt to get a little rest. Normally, I read a book, but there are days I forgo that when I'm tired enough. So, yeah, this is a boring entry. If you made it this far and agree, well the title should have been a warning.  |
| I don't want to be a downer on Mother's Day, but it's kinda hard when my sister called me on Friday night and told me she had a miscarriage. I didn't even know she had been pregnant. She was only at the five week mark and whatever thing she and my brother-in-law had been reading advised them not to tell people until the first trimester. I get that. If I had known she was pregnant before this, it would have hurt a whole lot more. Not to mention it would have been more devastating for her to have to tell everyone what happened. I will spoil whatever child she has. I know this. I will be most excited once she conceives again. So, yes, it was better that I didn't have a chance to get my hopes up. I'm already an aunt thanks to my in-laws. I have like thirty nieces and nephews. If that's an exaggeration, it's only by one or two. Hell, by now, it may be an under estimate. But I don't see my in-laws much so I don't feel like an aunt. If that makes sense. I have only one sibling. So for my sister to have a kid means a lot more to me. It may sound awful to say, but it's true. Currently, my sister lives in the same town as I do, and it will be easy to see any future child she has. It would explain the awful stomach feelings I had last week. I just had a feeling that something was wrong. I thought it may have been some finical debacle I got myself into, but I don't think that was it. Really, I haven't gotten myself into that much of a debacle, I just need to fill out paperwork and send in a bunch of documentation to reduce my student loan payments. Not a big deal, just hate dealing with those people. What really gets me, is that my sister had read that 1 in 5 pregnancies end up in miscarriage. That sounds awfully high to me, but then I remember all the stories I've heard about women having miscarriages and it's probably an accurate stat. But it's a sucky one. Doesn't seem like it's something that should be true. But so far, my sister is doing well, except for being upset. They're running tests on her to make sure there's nothing more serious going on. She told me that Dad was telling her to smile and 'buck' up like she had just lost a softball game. That irritated me. Yes, it could have been worse. She could have been further along. And yes, she still has plenty of time for another child, but I think it's a bit soon to be telling her to smile and to get on with her life. When I first heard, I was pretty upset myself. Part of that could be because my baby sister is upset by it. But today, when I got up and saw everyone's post about mother's day, it makes me a little sad and I can't help but think of the niece or nephew I might have had. * Mother and Child Reunion by Paul Simon |
| A few weeks ago, Avenue Q came to the campus and I went to see it with some friends, including my husband. Which I was thrilled by because every time I've gone to the theater these past few years, I've been alone. Anyway, I enjoyed it and I found I could relate to parts of it rather well. There was this whole song about wishing they could go back to college and I just don't see that sentiment much. Most people seem to pine for high school or childhood and I get why, but me personally, I don't yearn for high school. High school sucked for me. And yes, childhood, I had no responsibilities such as bills, but I still prefer being an adult. There was another song that I liked with the line: There's a fine line between love and wasted time. Or something to that effect. I remember thinking that a lot when the relationship I had before my husband ended. It had also crossed my mind with my first boyfriend, but for some reason was more potent for the second. Maybe because my college years were almost ending and I didn't see much hope for finding love after graduation. I just saw my time with the guy as lacking meaning. All that time I spent with him, I could have used to find someone that would stay with me. I could give my self reasons that it wasn't a waste of time, but I couldn't help but feel it. It's weird, but I'm having some of the same thoughts as I rewrite my story. The one, I've spent years on and here I am cutting away huge chunks that I spent so much time on. I don't feel it's such a waste of time as I did the relationship. I just keep telling myself that all that work I put into it before was making me a better writer. I can accept that. It just makes me wonder when I'll be ready to send something out. I really think after this rewrite of Chasing I'll be ready. It's frustrating in a way. Especially since I thought I'd just be rewriting the beginning. I knew I would have to make some changes throughout the novel to accommodate the rewrite, but these changes are far more dynamic than I originally thought they'd be. But I'm excited about it too. I feel this time, I know better what I'm doing. All that time I spent on parts that I cut was just preparing me to do kick ass things later. I still don't think I can say that about past relationships. I think about the only thing I learned was not to be so pathetic afterward. But I'm sure there was more to it than that. Anyway, if you have a chance, I would recommend seeing Avenue Q.  (By the way, I love these new butterfly emotes.  ) |
| Benn had an appointment with a different doctor today. The doctor's name is Dr. Kollias, which I happen to think is an awesome name. Sounds like a super villain or something. Anyway, the doctor's the surgeon the previous doctor recommended. Dr. Kollias looked at the MRI Benn had and determined it wasn't the ACL at all giving Benn the problem. When Benn was fifteen, he had tore his ACL and had been living without one in his knee ever since. It's the kneecap giving him all the problems. Which we had known he had dislocated it and slipped it back into place. Kollias thought the original doctor should have caught that especially since the radiologist who did the MRI came out and said it. So, what this means is that Benn will probably not need surgery! Which is great news I think. Kollias thinks Benn just needs more intensive therapy. Kollias is sending him to a different physical therapist thought. He only sends patients to therapist that have trained with him. We had known this because Benn's current therapist knows about Kollias and didn't take the time to train with him. I think it shows that Kollias cares about his patients' recoveries a bit more than other doctors. We were worried that meant Benn would have to drive somewhere far away for therapy, but there's a therapist in town. So, that was a relief. Benn's appointment this morning was at 8AM. Which means I had to get up at 6. Blah. It was worse than that. I tried to go to bed at midnight, but I couldn't relax enough to fall asleep. I don't know why. Maybe because I knew I had to get up at 6. I didn't fall asleep until sometime around 2. And by the time we got home, I had just enough time to get ready for work. Now, I'm really tired. It doesn't help that I'm having some sort of indigestion issue. I'm feeling a little better now, but I'm more tired. I basically have permission to leave once the night crew shows up. I told my supervisor I could probably stick it out until then. From there, I'd see if I felt better to finish my shift or not. I feel kinda bad about that. As I have no fever nor am I vomiting, I feel I should stay. But I am feeling pretty lousy. We'll see I guess. But still, a good visit to the doc's today. |
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