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The word "why" is a potty word. |
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Never ask why. You might get an answer that makes you wish you never asked. I stare in awe as the birds fly by. Secretly caged; yearning to be free. Looking up towards the sky; It’s where I want to be. Flapping wings, destination unknown; Can you not see- This prison my soul has outgrown. Open the door and release me; Tomorrow may be my last breath. No longer the room to grow, The inevitable is death. DebW ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I’m a donkey on edge people. God I love that donkey in Shrek. I am making myself write something today. Why? I haven’t a clue. It just seems like the thing to do. Do you know that I feel guilty for feeling happy during this very hard time? Yeah imagine that. I have moments where I feel so good about my life and then the guilt crashes down on me. Maybe that is normal. Nah it can’t be. Nothing I do is normal. It is a scary time for me because there are moments I’m not sure which direction my mind will take me. Ever feel like that? One should be able to control that, right? I guess in a way I am to some degree. I feel the depression coming and then lucky for you all I decide to create a distraction and post a blog. Does anyone ever really have it together or do they just seem to? I tend to think we all have fear of something that robs us somehow. Would the person who isn’t afraid please stand up. Sit your ass down Zacky. boo When were toe socks invented? I saw a pair on someone today and it made me smile. Okay it made me double over in pain. Toe socks and flip flops mind you. Crazy. I thought of this question because SOMEONE mentioned in their blog about bra day. I didn’t know a man invented the bra. Who knew? How about those moments when you don’t know what to do? It could be I have too much to do and my mind isn’t filtering the information out in an orderly fashion. Today I had a long list of things to do but when I looked at the list I couldn’t figure out how to get started on it. So what did I do? I didn’t do any of it. That makes a lot of sense, huh? I think I ate too much ice cream and ding dongs. Thank God I left the twinkies alone. Have you ever read the ingredients on these packages? If you eat them then don’t. Want to know how I really feel? Sure you do. I feel like kicking something or someone. Where is Mike when ya need him? |
| The days seem to be going by faster and faster. I can’t make time slow down. It’s been 4 months since the diagnosis. In one way I should be thankful but now I’m getting angry. I’m mad at him. He wrote on a calendar “Bill dies” on the 14th of June. Before I left last week I wrote beside it “No” and “I’m coming home for Father’s Day so YOU BETTER BE HERE.” I wasn’t able to go home this weekend because we had too many things scheduled; things with the kids, etc. It’s the last week of school and there are so many things going on. I guess I could miss them this once but I chose not to. These are life making memories I want to have and at the same time I want to be back home with my dad. After work yesterday I went to the grocery store and had a meltdown. It happened when I went into the frozen food section. In the weeks I was in Louisiana while my dad was going through radiation and chemo I was always going to the store to buy him anything he wanted. Each week he craved something different. My dad usually doesn’t eat much and really never has but something about being sick got his taste buds going. The first week he wanted peach cobbler. I don’t cook pies so I cheated and bought them. He would eat the whole pie in two days! The second and third week it was Eskimo pies. The fourth week it was apple pie. This has continued and now my sister runs to the store when I’m not there. Yesterday it hit me when I passed by the ice cream. I tried to suck it up and be a big girl but the tears beat me. I was trying to stop them and the more I tried the worse it got. I just stood there staring at the ice cream and tears were steadily going down my face. Of course the meltdown did not go unnoticed. This woman comes up to me and says, “I know how you feel, the prices of ice cream these days is un Godly.” I laughed and reached in and grabbed five different flavors. I don’t normally get ice cream because I don’t much care for it and the kids don’t either. I continued shopping and called my mom. She took the phone to dad and I told him I loved him. He asked when I was coming home. I told him I loved him and would be there in a few days. He said he loved me. Meltdown number two caused me to buy four boxes of twinkies, ding dongs, and marshmallow pies. When I got home I unloaded the groceries. Wrong asked if I was trying to kill them by junk food. I said “no, just you.” I’m better today though.:) |
| When did blogging become so difficult? That is an easy problem to solve. Don't blog. Ah that would mean taking the easy way out and nothing I do is easy. Not even me. So...where to begin? I went home this weekend and my dad is really not doing well. The tumors had shrunk some but not enough. He can only get one more chemo treatment and that's all the time they can buy him. He seems so lost and afraid. It breaks my heart. It's not anything he does or says but I see it in his eyes. Each hug gets longer and longer. I do not want him to go. I sit there and imagine what could be going through his mind at a time like this. I wish there was something I could do to help him. This is probably one of the most helpless times I have ever felt in my life. I call every night just to hear his voice. Our conversation is short. "I love you dad" "I love you too" Seems here lately I have been keeping super busy to avoid thinking about things. Yesturday my emotions went ape shit. I cried just thinking about my dad being in any pain and all that he is going through. He is so tired. I don't know how to get through this either. It seems like it was yesturday he was walking, talking, and going about life like there was no end. I'm going back home Friday. I don't miss not even a week because a week in Dads life is really like a year. It has been 15 weeks already since he was diagnosed. Wow the time has flown. Why can't it slow down? I remember the day the doctor said he had about six weeks and possibly 3 months with treatment. Time needs to stand still. Please. I am sooooo sad. |
| I'm back in Louisiana and when I saw my dad I knew something was wrong. I checked his temperature and it was 101. I called the doctor and he wanted us to take him to the emergency room. His immune system is down due to the chemo and any infection can take him quick. Well we get to the emergency room and it is standing room only. Several people are puking into buckets with a stomach virus I'm guessing. There is lots of coughing, sneezing, and snotty noses. The instructions I was told to follow was to keep my dad away from sick people while his immune system was built up by the shots he was getting. Uh....SO WHY SEND HIM TO A ROOM FULL OF SICK PEOPLE? Anyway after 4 hours in the waiting room he was finally taken back. He has pnuemonia. They put him on antibiotics through an IV and admitted him. After 24 hours the x-ray showed it is going away and it also showed the tumor in his lungs has shrunk. That sounded like wonderful news to my mom but I knew the chemo did nothing for the tumors on his brain. His hands are shaky and his ability to walk is slowly going away. He has stopped eating. Did you know when the body is dying it tells the brain it no longer needs food? I read this awhile back. Yeah the patient isn't hungry so they aren't starving. The body is doing what it is suppose to do. Interesting. I have no clue how long my dad will be here. The doctor said yesturday that dad will have his second round of chemo next week. My dad for the first time questioned if it really would buy him quality time because he is sick and tired of sitting in waiting rooms. I cannot stand his doctor. I wanted to ask him more questions and he told me to make it quick as he had more patients to see. I told him nevermind. I would google instead. He doesn't like me because he knows I know he is just doing what greedy doctors do...drain as much money as he can from my dad until he draws his last breath. I also asked him what good doctors sends a chemo patient into a room full of contagious people? His answer? A blank look. He didn't get the question. Oh and I had mentioned how his chemo room looked like the morgue. |
| Watching my dad die was not on my schedule for 2009. He is getting worse everyday and it takes all I have in me to hold it together. I cooked him meatloaf tonight because that's what he wanted. He is having a port put in tomorrow for a round of chemo. This is to buy him time but what kind of time are they buying? |
| It’s Monday night and I’m sitting here writing. Yay me. I saw Wendy yesterday before I left town and she still cries a lot. I have to talk to her through a glass window on a phone. Sometimes I sit there for 20 minutes listening to her cry. She knows Dad is sick but doesn’t know everything. I did tell her yesterday that he is getting radiation and she freaked. I calmed her down and we started talking about how bad jail is. Wendy: OMG it’s awful. The only shampoo here is Suave and it’s making my hair dry! Me: OMG that is flat out ABUSE! Anyway she is taking classes for her GED. It keeps her busy so that’s good. I at one time tried to study with her for the test but I kept getting migraines. They started when she asked me if George Washington was dead. I drove back to Louisiana and went straight to my parents house. My dad was having bad days so I was anxious to see him. I gave him a big hug and asked him how he felt. He said “SO SO.” We have this game we play where I asked him how he feels and his answers are always: Not too good Fair So So Okay Good I put them in this order and I told him SO SO was one of my favorite feelings. Today I got to take him to his radiation appointment. I usually do but my mother does it on Thursdays and Fridays when I am not here. He asked me today if I was taking him to get radiated and I said, “You bet.” This is a small town so the drive is only about 10 minutes. I drive slow going to and from because he checked my speed and lets me know if I am going over the limit. I love it actually. Normally it bugs the crap out of me but not anymore. Tonight I cooked chicken and dumplings and my brother ate 3 helpings. He acted like he had been in jail all his life…oh wait…he has. Dad ate well and we all sat in the living room. He had lit a fire in the fireplace, which he never does, and stayed with us for about 30 minutes. Usually he isolates and that’s not because he is sick. He has always not been one to sit around and visit. My mom talked to me earlier when he was not around and she is hoping he is in remission. I had to tell her that they aren’t doing anything to put him in there. The radiation is only getting the swelling down on the brain to buy him more alert time. Maybe I should just let her believe what she needs to believe in. I get torn on what to do at times. Okay now about the freaky stuff happening. Last night when I hugged my Dad I silently prayed that I was the one who was sick and not my dad. Yeah I know there goes Deb trying to off herself again. Well hey at least it’s a more honorable way to die, right? The radiation gives Dad the hiccups and heartburn all the time. Tonight I was talking to mom and started to hiccup. I did this for about 30 minutes. My dad walked in and he was hiccupping. It was actually funny. They finally went away but then I was left with heartburn. I had to borrow some of my dads pepcid. Do you think a person can have sympathy symptoms? My right hand went numb today and too had trouble writing with a pen. This is actually what made my dad go to the doctor in the first place. Just two weeks ago we found out he could only have 6 six weeks to live. It’s unbelievable to see him up and around now and wrap my mind around the whole idea of losing him. We go to the oncologist Wednesday and I’m dreading it. My mom is too because we don’t want to hear what we heard two weeks ago. Thanks for listening. Love ya! |
| I am so sorry I am not keeping up with all of you. I log in here about once a week and leave a few words. One would think that if I can find time to blog then I could find time to leave a comment for my favorite people in the world. I am back in Dallas and worked Friday and Saturday. Most of my clients are very understanding and a few have not been. One client was upset that I had to move her from Thursday to Saturday. Anyway I worked 14 hours yesturday and when I finally got home I fell on the bed and the next thing I knew it was morning. Today I am going to visit jailbird 2 and then driving back to Louisiana. My dad had a bad toilet day yesturday and I feel if I had been there it would have been flushed. I was able to talk to him a few minutes and he said he missed me and he loved me. My dad has never said those words to me before. This is the saddest thing I have ever experienced in my life. My heart breaks for him and my mother. Oh and did I mention I had to show my mom how to put gas in her car last week? Yeah she pulled up to the gas station and sat in her car thinking it was full service. My dad was the one who filled up the car every week. He did all of the grocery shopping and cooking. The days ahead are going to be full of changes. Okay I am off to take a shower and hit the road. Love to you all! |
| I went back home last Thursday and came back to Louisiana Sunday. I am taking Dad to radiation treatments everyday and there are good and bad days. The good days are compared to sticking your head in a toilet. The bad days are like sticking your head in a dirty toilet. I am waiting to hear from my brother after he goes to court this morning so that I can attempt to get him out on bond this afternoon. I'll drive to Shreveport and come back to Monroe. Tomorrow morning I will drive back to Dallas and work Friday and Saturday. Sunday I'll be back in Louisiana. Yesturday was a good day. I felt a little peace about what is going on. Of course that could have been the extra xanax I took but oh well.:) I'm tired today but Dad said he feels so so and I feel good about that. Still waiting on little sisters bond to be reduced but I feel she will make it out in time. Something tells me everything is going as it should be. Take care and I'll pop back in soon! Thanks for all of your comments and support. They give me something to hang onto. |
| My mom called me last Thursday to tell me that Dad may have had a mild stroke. He had a MRI and they would know the results Friday. She called me Friday night hysterical and said the doctor told her he had multiple tumors on the brain and it wasn’t good. The doctor called in a neurologist and that he wanted him in the hospital for further testing. I drove to Louisiana Saturday and my dad was still at home. The hospital didn’t have a room available and it would be Sunday before he could get in. Sunday came and went and still no room. For two days I watched my dad walk and talk like nothing was wrong with him at all except his right hand was a little shaky. Mom had not told him what they found so he kept telling me he had a little stroke and it was no big deal. Monday morning my mom called the doctor to tell him they had not been able to get into the hospital. He told her he would make them an appointment Tuesday morning with the neurologist. I was not too thrilled that they were dragging on this so I called the doctor myself. I explained to him that both my mom and dad had been waiting all weekend and my dad was getting very anxious to find out what was wrong with him. Each day he seemed to get little less mobile and saying random things. The doctor told me he would be honest with me and had not been with my mom because he knew she was there alone and was also taking care of my grandmother. He didn’t spare me at all. He said that dad had many tumors and the neurologist had seen the MRI and told him there would be nothing they could do for him. He had approximately 6 weeks to live if that much. My dad had cancer somewhere in his body that had already spread to his brain. The neurologist would probably get him into the hospital Tuesday to find out confirm it with a CAT scan. All day Monday I was numb. I had to tell my mom because I felt she needed to know this but we decided to wait and meet with the neurologist to see what to tell Dad. It was heartbreaking to sit and talk to my dad knowing he would be gone soon. He acted too alive and well so I couldn’t wrap my mind around losing him anytime soon. I cried when he wasn’t around. Tuesday morning we went to the neurologist and my heart was breaking for him thinking the doctor was going to tell him what was going on. He told my dad he wanted to put him in the hospital for more testing. We took him to the hospital and that afternoon he had a CAT scan. Wednesday morning another doctor came in to give him some of the bad news. He was told he had cancer and they were going to do a biopsy to see where it came from. The prognosis was not good. My dad cried but still did not know everything the doctor had told me. He told my mom he was scared and she broke down. I imagine holding it in that long was hard on mom and she needed to finally get some release. Wednesday night mom and I left and went home after Dad was settled in. We got a phone call from my dad at 8:30 and he was crying hysterically and told her a doctor came in and told him he had about a month to live. We rushed back to the hospital and I am on the phone with the head nurse telling her to page that doctor and tell him I was coming up there to kick his ass for telling my dad something like that while he was alone. We practically ran to his room and when we get there the head nurse is in the room and Dad has calmed down. This nurse was very apologetic and we talked for about an hour. The doctor had already left the hospital but had asked her what he should do. My dad said he liked the doctor and was glad someone was honest with him. He cried for awhile and they gave him something to help him sleep. Mom and I cried all the way home. Thursday morning the neurologist came in with the oncologist. The oncologist was the doctor that had broke the news to my dad the night before. They explained in detail what was going on. Dad had cancer everywhere in his body and on every major organ. His brain was starting to swell and they were sending him for a radiation treatment to reduce the swelling. They both recommended radiation for two weeks to keep him more alert longer. There wouldn’t be any major side affects the benefits outweighed them. They could buy him some time of quality life but said each day would be the best day of his life because tomorrow wouldn’t be as good. He was released from the hospital last night and I drove back to Dallas. Ben has a tournament today and I promised him I would be here. I’ll drive back to Louisiana tomorrow. I am bailing my brother out of jail Wednesday and an attorney is working on getting my sisters bond reduced from $250,000 to $25,000. She said it could take up to 14 days to get that done. I haven’t told my sister the whole truth because if she freaks out they will tie her down for about 12 hours and I don’t want her to go through that. I have told her dad is sick and she is already breaking down. I am keeping my fingers crossed I can get her out in time. Something tells me I will and Dad will have all his kids there soon. I know he will remain alert and well for as long as he can. He is in no pain and the doctors are shocked and amazed because his cancer is so advanced. Okay I have to go now and get ready to go watch Ben kick some butt in the golf tournament. Oh and last night when I got home Wrong informed me he lost his job. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. Life is funny that way. Love ya! |
| I have lost it again. The problem is I don't remember what I lost. I guess it's better to have something to lose than to have nothing to lose. Or is it? Yeah now you know why I am asking the "huh" question.  |
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I hope his pain will recede 
