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The word "why" is a potty word. |
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Never ask why. You might get an answer that makes you wish you never asked. I stare in awe as the birds fly by. Secretly caged; yearning to be free. Looking up towards the sky; It’s where I want to be. Flapping wings, destination unknown; Can you not see- This prison my soul has outgrown. Open the door and release me; Tomorrow may be my last breath. No longer the room to grow, The inevitable is death. DebW ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I wrote this for when I need to find a new wrong.:) lol I see "searching for soul mate" alot but do they really exist is my question. You want to know about me? I am the kind of person no one seems to be able to figure out. They get close though and then I go and change everything.:) Hey I just described a woman didn't I? I just saw a guy who asked why all the great women are crazy. I fell out of my chair. Too funny, I think I will answer that question here. I am happy, sad, funny, not funny, nice, not so nice, loving, not so loving, etc. And I can be all these things during only 10 minutes. That is crazy to most men. I wonder sometimes if there is a man who could see the many emotions of a woman and not think it's about what he is doing or not doing? What do women want and how does a man deal with all the emotions? For me it is simple. I want to feel safe to express whatever, know someone is listening and not making it about them, and then let me cry without looking at me like I am crazy. A hug to let me know you still care even though I have just been an emotional mess. Can men do that? Don't make me go gay just to get validation. lol No negotiations on the below statements: I do not need anyone trying to fix me and because I spend enough time fixing myself I do not have time to fix you. If you are perfect...here's a brownie. Sorry but I have been with mr. thinks he's perfect for too long. I cannot be bought. The only way to show me you care is by telling me outright. I am one of those that must hear it. If I need to buy something I buy it when I can afford it. I do not like to shop so throwing money at me will not help in disagreements or misunderstandings. You can watch sports to your hearts desire. I might even watch them with you if I can’t find anything better to do; like scrubbing toilets. I will be rooting for the underdog in my head regardless if it’s your team or not. I won’t ask you any questions either. Why? Because I don’t care to know the answer and the last time I asked a question during a cowboys game, “So…how many more innings are left?” I was given a strange look. Never again. So I had basketball on my mind…sue me. Just because my favorite tv show is “Snapped” doesn’t mean I am gathering useful information. Caution would be advised though if you treated me ugly and I offered you a glass of tea right after an episode. I swear who keeps the dang poison in their garage? I do want to knock the stupid out of some of these women. Okay I am just kidding. I have broken most of the ten commandments but that isn’t one of them.:) If you have issues with your mother stay away from me until you get them resolved.:) I’ll add more later. If you made it down this far then you are a good man. I got to talking and couldn’t shut up. Sorry about that.:) |
| If you could be any other thing besides a human what would it be? I would be a bird and probably was several lives ago. No I don’t believe in reincarnation but this is make believe so just go with it dammit. Why a bird? They are able to fly around in the open air and how freeing that must be. To think of all the places I would flap my wings to is exciting. I wonder though if birds even realize they are flying around butt ass naked. I am in a funky mood today as you can see. I can’t decide whether to go back to bed or go back to bed. I think I’ll go back to bed. Boredom doesn’t become me but right now I can’t think of one thing I would rather do today besides sleep. No, I’m not depressed. I am bored. When Deb gets bored it’s best to lock myself up safe inside. LOL I wish I had more to say but I don’t. All I can think of is something needs to change and soon.:)  |
| I’m in the mood to talk about “someday.” I heard that word so many times growing up, like when I wanted to know when my boobs would grow and my mom would always say “someday.” I wanted to go to Africa “someday” but the only problem there is that I don’t fly. “Someday” will not come for that. I’ve talked about climbing a mountain, adopting an orphan, taking a two week drive somewhere. All these things I told myself would happen “someday.” Hey, what about the thing with being in love someday? Remember that crazy idea? I do. The word “someday” sounds like a promise never meant to be kept. Some might say it’s a dream within the word. Can you see me now sitting in my wheelchair looking down at my small boobs and telling the old geezer next to me that someday these babies will grow. He will look at me all toothless and say, “Why Deb darling, WHAT BOOBS? I don’t see no damn boobs.” And to think I could have forgone “someday” and just had a boob job. Oh no, I had to wait for a day when it was suppose to happen all on it’s on. Anyway can’t you just picture me barely able to turn the page on National Geographic much less climb a mountain? And look at the old geezers’ eyes bugging out of his head looking at the naked natives…drool coming out of his mouth. Ah…I can’t go on. “Someday” will come or it will not. What is it that I can do to make someday be today? Is it work that keeps me from “someday?” You bet it does. I work to live and sometimes it takes everything I bring in to live so what’s left over for “someday?” I know me though. I’ll be sitting by old geezer wishing I had driven that car until the tires fell off or lived in that small house about 60 more years. Then maybe “someday” would not have somehow slipped by me. OH and what if I fall in love with old geezer? He is a pervert you know. It’s my body he wants. LOL I have a headache. Somebody shoot me. |
| I forgot to come back and let you know it's 2009. I hope you aren't still writing 08 on your checks. If so change it to 09 before you send them to me. lol Now that it's a new year I guess it's time to list my schedule. January-nothing February- Okay now that's depressing. I dont have anything scheduled this year. I better go get a life, eh? Want to talk about dreams? I do. I had this bizarre dream last night. I was in the middle of a desert but I was dressed like it was winter. I couldn't figure out how I got there and so I started walking. The sky was orange. Yes I still dream in color. Anyway I saw a house way off in the distance but the closer I walked to it the further it seemed to be. And then it started snowing. Being a Texan this scared the do out of me. lol There was all of sudden cars going past me and then I woke up. What does it all mean? Not a damn thing. |
| It's almost 2009! Just thought I would pop in and remind you all of that in case you aren't keeping up with stuff. You're welcome! |
| I hope everyone had a great Christmas! We were jolly and fa fa la-ed and then my family went back home and I rejoiced.:) My mom thought it necessary to let me read a letter she received from my brother in jail. It did not sit well with me because I can't tell you how many holidays had clouds hanging over them because of drugs, gambling, or alcohol. So I wrote him a letter. Yes, it's long and not required reading material so just go to the comment lounge now and drink up the left over out dated egg nog. Hey Tim, I just now finished reading your letter to Mom and Dad. I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact you are in jail again. I couldn’t believe after all the time you spent locked up that you would ever get involved with anything that would put you back in jail. Of course I have had to think a lot about how it was all possible. I looked up the website to find out how to get mail to you. I saw your picture when I clicked on your name. You are my brother and yet I did not recognize the look that was in your eyes. They don’t reflect anything other than a man who is lost. I know this look Tim because I have seen my eyes say the same thing when staring into a mirror. I know addiction. I know how it robs a person of their soul. It takes who you are away from yourself and anyone who loves you. I am not angry. I am sad. The Everitt way is to love no matter what and I do love you. I always will but I want my brother back. You have been lost for a very long time. I have had glimpses of you every now and then. Your heart is huge and you would never purposely hurt anyone. The addict though doesn’t care nor do they feel what they do to themselves or others. And there comes a time when a choice has to be made. Get clean and live life on life’s terms. What are you running from anyway? I had the same childhood you did. It wasn’t anywhere near normal and it took me years of running to figure out none of the past had a right to destroy my future. Sure I get tired, scared, angry, sad, etc, but I feel these things and walk through them instead of running away. Life was never meant to be lived this way. Is this something you have come to accept? Maybe my brother doesn’t know how wrong this all is. I have never been to jail but if I would have continued down the road I was on I am sure it was just a matter of time. I can’t imagine and I thank God every day I was able to get help. Rehab didn’t solve all my problems and I stumbled many times but I knew it had then become a matter of choice. I had learned how to fight it and win in the long run. There isn’t one reason I can think of that would stop you from doing the same thing. It really is only a matter of learning how to live life without the need for an escape. It’s about learning to love you and then you can love others. You are the only reason you sit where you are today. I pretty much blamed everyone but myself for all of my bad choices. There probably was a time when maybe that was the case. A person can only take so much and then its retreat back into what works for them. I know this too. I’ve done it a million times. Even these days I want to go back out and say F-IT. It is that attitude that I know will eventually kill me and it’s a slow death. You Tim are dying a slow painful death. I was too at one time. I almost ended it all so many times I have lost count. I was tired, alone, and defeated. I got help when I didn’t think it would do any good. I hated rehab for the most part but I hung in there till the end and thanked God again that I did. You will never recover on your own. I know this and so do you. Do you think it’s too late? I don’t. You should know the miracles of the 12 steps. You work them and everything changes, even things you thought were impossible. This includes legal problems as well. Hell I would have gladly sat in jail letting go and letting God if that meant when I got out I was free of what was destroying me. I cringed at the part of your letter where you said you read the New Testament while in jail. Hell everybody in jail reads the bible and finds Jesus. The problem there is you have nothing else to read. Am I right? If someone right now was holding a crack pipe and a bible which one would you choose? If you are still reading then you know I’m not done yet.:) You mentioned how sorry you are that you have made it hard on Mom and Dad. How many times do you truly believe saying “I’m sorry” for the same offense actually works? Believe me when I say those words mean nothing now. My brother would not keep hurting those who love him over and over and expect a sorry to make it all okay. The person you are now would. It isn’t possible to know how many times during my addiction that I used the words “I’m sorry.” Each time I had tears rolling down my face. Looking back I really did think saying I’m sorry was enough. It wasn’t. I was hurting myself and everyone I loved. The torture I put others through seemed almost unforgiveable. Like I said earlier the Everitts don’t roll that way. We do continue to love each other no matter what. I love you but absolutely despise the addiction. I also know it would not be an easy road to recovery. Recovery is sometimes almost as hard as the active addiction. Looking at what has happened in the past years is painful and there is so much lack of self worth it alone depressed me to the point of wanting to die. I hated having to actually live with my bad choices. I thought so many times it would be better to run away from them and go back into denial. Somehow I think I have made it through although I know in the years to come I will still struggle. That Tim is what reminds me I am alive. I feel, deal, and move on. There is always hope now where before in the addiction there was none. I don’t care how bad things are or seem to you, there is a light waiting to guide you through. I also know the demons will be there too. I don’t believe you are capable of making the right choice without getting help. I wish all incarcerated people had that available. Unfortunately putting you in jail only keeps you fed and housed. Once out, you and I both know the rest of this story if you don’t get the help you need. I can and will help you if that’s what you want. If you don’t want it then do know “I’m sorry” doesn’t work for me. You are clean right now and should be able to do some decision making without the clouded mind. Where do you want to be this time next year? Maybe you will be in the same place after the court appearance. I don’t know but as long as you are recovering then I do know you walk out a totally “free” man. Do you even know what you are missing? There are people who love you. Mom and Dad do not owe you for their past mistakes. They have paid the price by watching their four children self-destruct. Dad has so much pain in his eyes now. You want to continue to hold them and world responsible for where you sit today? Well you can’t. You are a grown man who has made bad choices all on his own. No one is to blame for what you have done. Yes it took me forever to get that one myself. I know where you sit Tim and it is easier to keep repeating you are where you are because of something other than you. Do you think you were arrested because of a mistake? Do you think anyone believes that? Do you believe it? Okay let’s say the first, second, and even third time you were arrested was a fluke; a totally innocent man was jailed. What about all the other times? There would be one in a million chances that many mistakes would be made. You were guilty and you know it but you continue to proclaim you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, the drugs were someone else’s, or it was only a small amount. This has been going on since the 1980”s. Haven’t you had enough already? I know I have. You also mentioned you are requesting the child support be stopped for Brooke. That amused me because when did you ever really pay it anyway? I have been watching over your daughters for years. While you have been in and out of jail I have made sure they were taken care of at Christmas and sent money when you were busy shoving it up your nose. The saddest part is watching them suffer because they had parents who cared for nothing but themselves. This part of course does make me angry because they did not deserve to have parents who treated them the way ours did. No one in this family has ever confronted you with this because of your denial. You blame everyone but yourself and it shows when you lose your temper if anyone tells you like it is. Well now I am and what you do with it is not a concern of mine. You requested things to read while you are in your cell 22 hours a day. I looked up the rules for sending mail and everything must be sent from a publisher. Well I decided it would probably do you more good in the long run to stare at your three walls and steel bars and think about why you are there. You know I am the only one who would go to the trouble of sending you reading material as that task was put on me. Well here is something to read; call it a short story. I believe it is worth a second, third, and fourth read and it’s from the publisher.:) I love you now Tim and forever. You know this. I did not write any of this to hurt you. I am trying to save your life but I know you have the final say on whether to live or die. I hope you choose to live. Love you always Debbie |
| This may be the only time I have to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! So um Merry Christmas and may Santa be very good to ya! If he isn't, call me and I will whoop his butt.  |
| What made you think you could tame the wild horse when so many others tried and failed? You stood there with your hands in your pockets staring into her eyes, imagining how and when you would take her. Would it be quick and easy or slow and hard? The obsession was misleading you my friend. In all of her beauty there was something you didn’t know. This would not be her first rodeo. She walked cautiously in the distance as if you were the predator. It was actually the other way around wasn’t it? Again your eyes met hers and the desire in your heart grew stronger. You wanted what no other man had. You poor soul, I had wished you the best but I knew you’d end up like the rest. She allowed you to inch closer only tilting her head slightly. The way her body relaxed must have told you something. The man in you went for it all. You mounted the beauty and all her glory. Hanging on for dear life, you lasted a second. She would not be yours. End of story. LOL Oh the moral of this story???? Next time try WINE AND FLOWERS. I haven’t written in months and this is what I come up with???? |
| I am just going to write this entry and what comes out...comes out. This holiday season seems so different this year. Is it because Kevin doesn't believe in Santa anymore? The magic is not there this year. Wrong is glad because he thinks it's lying to the children letting them believe in Santa. I swear his mother must have left him in a Wal-mart parking lot as a child. Do you think it's lying? I don't. Maybe Santa represents something good. The woman I am helping this year called me Santa in an email the other day. She told her kids Santa was indeed stopping by their house this year. Do they have to know Santa mailed it all priority at the post office? I just don't know. I loved it when my kids believed in Santa. There were some years Santa left more than he should but there were a few that he didn't. My kids were always happy with whatever. I am not feeling it this year though. There has been way too much going on lately around me that I have trouble being in the fairytale. Yeah I know, I live for fairytales. LOL I live in a damn fairytale. Okay settle down Deb. I'm not so good at winging it but maybe in time this is the way I will choose to live out the remainder of my days. And maybe that's the way I have been doing it all along. Who the hell knows??? Not me. I went to Shreveport this past weekend and did a craft show with my mom and dad. I actually did one in Shreveport with them the weekend after Thanksgiving. It was alot of fun. I made about a hundred little girl bracelets with all different kinds of charms and all but 6 sold. It was time consuming but a nice break from the normal blah blah. I have also been super busy at work and some of my clients are really getting on the last nerve I have left. What in the world is happening to people these days? I try to stay upbeat and professional but I seriously think I will soon start slapping them over the head with my comb. Can't talk them into postive so maybe I can beat it into them. Life is short. How many times do I hear that? Alot! I kind of feel it isn't. I have been here like 160 years already or so it feels like it anyway. One of my dads best friends shot himself in the head a couple of weeks ago. He was a muscian and I have known him all my life. I could not imagine what had caused him to do that. This man was always positive. Do you think he was too positive for too long that it made him depressed. You know I think a person can be too damn happy. I know that would drive me crazy. Okay crazier. Anyway now that I have depressed the hell out of myself I think I'll go soak in the tub. It's like 25 damn degrees here and I do not like it. We have some sleet coming down and it is sticking. And by the end of the week it is going to be in the sixties again. No wonder Im confused. okay winging over! YAY! |
| Time flies by soooo fast these days.:) It's been a busy holiday season so far. A good one though.:) Life is going well and the kids are terrific! Mr. Wrong is still wrong.:) I do miss the days when I had downtime to play but I'm not complaining. My brother is back in jail. The house he was living in with a few people got raided and drugs were found. None of them were his.  Little sister is MIA but will turn up eventually when in need of something. I adopted a family of three this Christmas season; a woman with two kids age 11 and 13. One of them is a girl and Im so excited to be buying girl stuff. The boy likes Star Wars so I am a tad excited about that too. I can't believe Star Wars is still popular. My kids seem to be asking for more electronic things. I did buy them a few toys though. lol I can't help it. Anyway I can't promise to blog more right now but I can let ya know I am reading and keeping up with everyone. Life is as good as one perceives it. I woke up this morning so it must be a good day. |
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I hope his pain will recede 