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April 27, 2015
3:03am EDT

Rated: E | Book | Emotional | #1532621
Thoughts on my life, and circumstances.
Warning. I write deep. Writing helps me discover what I’m feeling, and who I am. It breaks away the thoughts of everyday life, and it leads me into a place of comfort and peace. I try to write for everybody, as well as myself, just in case I make sense of something someone else may have needed also.  I love inspiring people with my writing. If I never become discovered I will be ok, just as long as my work gets read somewhere. I know it is meant to be read. Please enjoy as you read my deepest thoughts. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
December 22, 2009 at 11:36pm
December 22, 2009 at 11:36pm
I Fell
Life can be spinning on a white fluffy cloud, and you can float along on it, enjoying every minute of happiness and contentment floating your way, and then you fall. I fell. I fell from grace and dignity and I fell so quickly I lost all control of emotion. It was painful and disappointing and highly dissatisfying. All I could think about was how happy I was just so recently prier to this horrible setback. Then I breathed through the pain. I kept breathing and bearing and I realized I’m alive. The white fluffy cloud was high in the sky and I was low on the ground but I was breathing. Now my focus is that white fluffy cloud. I can see it and will return to it soon, but I don’t need it. There is something greater than a white fluffy cloud surrounding me. It’s the holy spirit and Jesus and God. Three in one. God never leaves me, especially when I fall. He breathes for me, and I will forever be alive in His presence.
November 23, 2009 at 1:31pm
November 23, 2009 at 1:31pm
Pity Moments
It is easy to forget how much I am truly blessed. Sometimes I will have a moment where it feels like nothing is right as if I’m lost and everything going on in my life feels unsteady and unreal, and not safe. I will question in my mind “What am I doing here?” “How did it get this difficult?” “Is this how the rest of my life will be?” I call it a pity moment. It strikes me more times than I care for it to. It’s just a moment not a week, a day or an hour.. It’s a moment. Then It’s over and I go back to living the life God planed for me to have. The life where I am safe. The life where everything makes sense. The life that is hard and complicated but doable. Pity moments happen., but they don’t stay. I won’t let them. God won’t let them.
October 25, 2009 at 5:24pm
October 25, 2009 at 5:24pm
Waiting. It is hard. I have to be the first to admit I am an impatient person. When something goes wrong in my life my philosophy is fix it right now before my heart and mind explodes! Who am I talking to? Anyone who will listen, including God. I am at my worst in these situations. I am stubborn and sometimes irrational. I want to believe everything will be ok, but then my impatience proves I am not fully full of faith. I think this is what bothers me the most. I don’t like feeling out of control, and I certainly don’t like the unknown. It is a lesson God teaches me often. Patience. He is in control, and He will not let me fall. He will not let me go. He will fix this in due time. He has proven it many times before with me. I have come through many dark valleys, and God has been the light that has led me through all of them. I just had to follow it. So if you are in a dark valley, as I am now, look for the light. God will get you through. God will get all of us through.
September 9, 2009 at 2:18pm
September 9, 2009 at 2:18pm
It doesn't end
It doesn’t end. Something great has happened! A dream has come true and happiness graces your presence. It doesn’t end. Your breathing for the first time in a while. Life is looking up. It doesn’t end. The battle. Just when you are at your happiest and strongest is when a sneak attack happens, or in some cases many sneak attacks. Suddenly your on your feet and fighting for your life again. It seems a battle is harder to fight when it strikes you in the middle of happiness. For some reason you feel weaker than ever suddenly unsure if you want to keep fighting. Then guilt pours in making you feel ashamed for not appreciating the good things anymore just because the bad things seem to overpower them. It doesn’t end. This is the lie. The battle does end and it becomes so easy to forget. This is life. We get eternal life if we choose to accept Jesus. God gives us strength to fight the battles by reminding us one day there will no longer be anything to fight about or for. There will come a day when the battle ends. We will experience this day with great joy. There will be a day when happiness arrives and never leaves.
August 16, 2009 at 4:08pm
August 16, 2009 at 4:08pm
It is hard to have a memory you know is special and important to yourself, but not to someone else. Someone who was also part of the memory. Someone who probably doesn’t even remember at all, or in some cases doesn’t even remember you at all. The memory is so familiar and interesting to yourself it is impossible to believe the moment was not received the same way to somebody else. It is a lonely thought to have one of these memories, but more than that it is demeaning and belittling to realize you cared more than someone else did. You cared enough to remember but they did not. You cared enough to remember how special the moment was weather good or bad, but they obviously didn’t care as much as you did. So in a way you feel beneath them. This is not true. How can something negative come from caring and remembering? It is worse to not care and forget. The more memories you can add up the more you care. Don’t forget you could still be a part of someone’s memories without realizing it. So take every moment you share with people with care and logic. It is more beautiful to share the memory together than to split it into pieces.
July 28, 2009 at 1:48pm
July 28, 2009 at 1:48pm
I do it to myself. I work so hard to keep it. I know I get to much of it and will end up regretting it in the end, but something inside me feels comfortable and satisfied with solitude. I am the best at isolating myself and pretending I’m alone. Of course this is not the case. I have family and friends and a husband who has been there for me through everything this world has put us through, but loneliness still has a way of introducing itself at the right time, and I give in to it believing its lies and drinking its poison. T.V. Shows and movies, books and stories, and songs with meaning are the essence of my solitude. I jump for the chance to be alone with them. I enjoy them more than I should and I find myself looking forward to spending time with them instead of someone I care about, or God for that matter. Too much solitude is an addiction and I’ve noticed lately it can be hindering. One day there will be a reason for me to come out of Isolation. I know I will be excited but sad to leave it behind, because as bad as it is for me I enjoy it but I also know there is a life out there, one I am procrastinating and not living, and I know I am meant to do great things I can not pursue in solitude.
July 23, 2009 at 3:15pm
July 23, 2009 at 3:15pm
Sometimes the world around me seems numb. I can’t hear or see peace or calmness. All I seem to recognize is pain. It comes in different forms: physical and emotional. Both somehow seem to sneak inside my body. It is easier to hang my head down and sigh in frustration than it is to fight against the pain. For a moment this is what I do. I give in to the power pain has over me and I introduce myself to defeat. Defeat wants nothing to do with me. It knows I’m not worth it’s time because defeat knows who is really in control of my pain. God. With God there is no defeat. Suddenly the world becomes alive again. A soft breeze blows, words and music send chills through my body, and loved ones come to my mind. I realize even with pain, I am happy. My life is special and important and the pain I feel is just pain. It’s there and I feel it but it can not take me down. Nothing can pluck me from the safe and secure hands of God.
June 10, 2009 at 1:25pm
June 10, 2009 at 1:25pm
We Are Important
It is easy to look around and feel inadequate, not important, or unnecessary even. I find myself in this predicament daily, especially when I find myself alone. It is easy to have a small pity party and become closed off and shut down. It is all a lie. A lie I tell myself because I have no other answer for my insecurities. The truth is I am important and necessary to a lot of people and it doesn’t’ end with them. I am important and necessary to myself. When I replay memories and journeys in my mind I recall every chance I have taken to reach out to someone, every obstacle I have jumped through to keep loved ones in my life, and every time I picked myself back up after a fall. I wonder where my loved ones would be, or where I would be without me. I believe everybody is more important than they think they are. We are all part of a crafty plan put together by the greatest and only Master. To Him we are important and necessary.
May 4, 2009 at 1:56pm
May 4, 2009 at 1:56pm
Starting Over
Starting over gets old for me. It seems I’m always starting back over trying to erase a mistake or a wrong decision. There is something refreshing about starting over, and there is something detesting about starting over. It’s refreshing knowing there is another chance to get it right this time. It’s detesting knowing how many times I’ve failed at it in the past. It’s a new day though, and the past does not matter anymore. Even yesterday doesn’t matter. Now the consequences of it do matter, and the starting over part is what will fix the outcome of my mistakes and wrong choices. I decided to let go of myself without care. Here I am caring again. It’s time to grab a hold of my self a little tighter this time and start climbing up once more. I did it before. I can do it again. I can start over again. It’s the only answer I have left.
April 27, 2009 at 11:45pm
April 27, 2009 at 11:45pm
It can feel like the last straw. All of your energy to fight is replaced with a strong desire to cease all control. Then something happens. Hope. It arrives so quickly and with such force it can not be ignored. Hope exist, even if it’s disguised. A reassuring smile from a friend, the calming breeze of spring, the honest and truthful words of a child, the bars of a song, or a friendly lick from a furry friend. In all of the inspiring acts we witness each day sometimes it’s easy to forget where they come from. God. He sends hope. He makes sure we receive it any way we can, and He knows exactly how to reach our weary hearts to remind us life is still out there. So look around your world. Is it full of hope. If not, ask the expert to open your eyes. God is all around you. Hope is all around you. Don’t be too lost to find it.
April 21, 2009 at 10:46pm
April 21, 2009 at 10:46pm
I am tired of feeling plain. I am tired of feeling empty when I know how full I am. I am tired of feeling tired. There is a life out there, and it may be hard, but it’s out there calling to me, waiting for my involvement. There are people waiting on my involvement. God is waiting on my involvement. I don't want to feel disappointment towards myself anymore. People I love can make me feel so small and I just run with it turning their words in to a reality. There is a path I am meant to follow and God is the light leading the way. I can’t stay on it when I am loaded with self-pity and burdened with low self-esteem. God will pour joy on me and I will accept it with dignity and pride. I’ve had enough of wallowing in loneliness which does not exist. I am ready to accept challenges and soar with wings like eagles. I am ready to fly.
April 12, 2009 at 11:20pm
April 12, 2009 at 11:20pm
A break
Is it about giving up? Is it about loosing control? Is it about loosing yourself? The answers are unclear, but the motive behind the actions are clear. Being in control twenty four seven, and doing a good job becomes a tiresome journey. The mind will quickly wander places your willpower can not deny. Unfair feelings enter the soul, and suddenly you find yourself slipping down hill again. Do I always have to fight so hard? Will there ever be a moment I can let up and just enjoy myself? Is there an end to this fight with my own desires? What will happen if I let loose and give up all control? Here’s the truth, fun happens. Relief and joy join forces and suddenly you remember how to dance. Your finally free of all responsibility. Enjoy it, but remember, it’s just a break. Everyone needs a break, but don’t let a break turn into retirement. Get back out there and finish what you started. Make it all worth being able to take a break every once in a while.
April 7, 2009 at 12:53pm
April 7, 2009 at 12:53pm
Slap someone
Sometimes I wish it would be ok to slap someone out of the blue, just to see the expression on their face. Of course it would be a lot of fun if I could turn back time, and do it over and over again, and then go on with life like nothing has happened. It would be a great way to get my frustration out. Sometimes I don’t understand people, or why they act the way they do. I mean after a while it just gets ridiculous! They have to know what they are doing, and they have to think it is ok. Why else would they keep acting the way they do. I know people may think the same thing about me. I have flaws. I am aware of it, yet I never change my bad habits. I just accept myself for who I am. So in a way, I am a hypocrite, because I expect people to change, when I won’t change myself. I don’t classify myself as an angel though. Some people I know, classify themselves as almighty as they stand and step over everybody they know, thinking it puts them somewhere at the top. They are wrong. I just want to tell them this bit of information one time, but it would make me a bad person. I just find it amusing, how some people get away with the way they act, and why people let them. In truth, I let them, so I can understand how it works. Maybe thinking about slapping someone will be enough for me, hopefully.
March 30, 2009 at 1:15pm
March 30, 2009 at 1:15pm
Stay Afloat
It seems when your head is above the water and you are swimming toward the shore, something always grabs a hold of your feet and tries to drown you. It gets harder and harder to swim as you find yourself sinking once again. This is the time to kick harder. This is the time to use every fight and urge in your body and let the world know it will not win. It will not drown you, not after you have worked so hard. It may seem hopeless, and it may seem useless, but life is never what it seems. The weight of the world lies on all of our shoulders. Instead of letting it drown us we should carry it with confidence and grace until there is nothing left to carry. Stay a float. Stay focused on the shore. It will get easier with time, and soon you find yourself easily floating once again. The satisfaction will be worth it, if even for a little while.
March 23, 2009 at 1:25pm
March 23, 2009 at 1:25pm
There is something which happens in the midst of doing well, accomplishment. It rides in on the wind, and crashes right into the soul, as all past insecurities blow away. There is nothing like it, being proud of one’s self. There is a sweet satisfaction when one rises from the ashes and turns nothing into something. There is no room for guilt or fear, because the work was done, and results were produced. The strong feeling of accomplishment was earned, and deserved. Enjoy it. Use it to move forward, and accomplish more. Stay focused on the journey ahead, and don’t look back for a second. It’s easy to erase work well done by giving into the slightest temptation. Temptation is there to knock down accomplishments. It is there to test strength, and stability. Stare temptation in the face, take a deep breath, and resist it. Congratulations! Defeating temptation is one of the hardest accomplishments. Don’t it feel great!? Who would have thought stars could be reached, and how bright they shine.
March 18, 2009 at 8:50pm
March 18, 2009 at 8:50pm
There is a variety of personalities out there. They are plastered to different souls. Souls searching for acceptance, and acknowledgement of their own personality. Most people think they know who they are, what resides inside their hearts, and what they are capable of. Some people struggle with who they are, what resides inside their hearts, and what they are capable of. Sometimes people get so busy trying to understand other people’s personalities, they forget what their own is. Many times in life, you will witness a personality change, whether it’s someone else’s or your own. Somebody you trusted let you down. Somebody you thought you knew did something horrible and out of character. Somebody you thought was corrupt changed your view with one kind act out of the blue. A personality is not set in stone, and while it is important to read people and know who your befriending, it is just as important to read yourself. It is important to show acceptance because it is the only way to receive acceptance. Think about what a difference you can make to someone else’s personality just by accepting them. Think about what a difference you can make to someone else’s personality by not accepting them. Think about what a difference you can make to your own personality by accepting your own. There are different kinds of personalities out there. Which one is yours?

March 15, 2009 at 7:21pm
March 15, 2009 at 7:21pm
Things Matter
A lot of things matter. A lot of things are important. A lot of things are necessary. They are out there, ready to be tackled., ready to explode into reality. Still I stand still and wait on them to come to me. I wait. Meanwhile the things that matter slip further away from my stream of willpower, and sight. Now I have further to climb to reach them. I am tired of my own excuses. I am tired of my own failures, and laziness. I am tired. I know what lies inside me. It is hot and it burns. It is fire. I do not want to put it out anymore. I want to let it burn. I know I can do it. I just don’t want to let myself down again. Even letting myself down is better than letting myself burn out completely. The sun will come up tomorrow and so will I. I will rise with confidence and determination. It will be a new day. A day when important things matter, and my fire burns once again.
March 9, 2009 at 9:38pm
March 9, 2009 at 9:38pm
Being myself
I do not like how it takes people so long to get to know me. The real funny, weird me. Why is that? It makes me mad at myself. When I first meet someone, I will make the situation awkward by being quiet and sometimes even unresponsive. My communication skills become lost, and I know people are thinking “what is wrong with her?” The whole time I’m thinking, this is not me, I am not always quiet and shy. Everyone say’s just be yourself. It’s the main advice I give myself when I’m nervous about meeting new people. I will have it in mind, but it never happens. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or how to come out of my shell. This is the reason why half of the people I know classify me as dependable, and hilarious, and the other half classify me as, closed off and shy. I know I am a good person. So why am I so scared to put myself out there? It’s always going to be the number one mystery about myself.
March 2, 2009 at 9:17pm
March 2, 2009 at 9:17pm
Making Friends
It is hard for me to keep people. Sometimes the more I care about somebody, the quicker I find myself without them. I miss a lot of people. I have memories of them being my friend, and caring about me, but I do not have them. I use this as an excuse not to get close to people. I know it’s just fear. Fear of rejection, fear of heartbreak, and fear of needing someone else. I’ve kept myself distant for a while. Now I’m looking around my world, and it seems kind of empty. Now I ask myself what was I trying to avoid? Friendship? It makes more sense to grab as many people as I can and hang on. If they let go, I’ll have backup. It seems like a long shot,making friends. I’ve never been good at it. Maybe one day that will change. It’s a new goal for me. A new possibility.
February 24, 2009 at 8:28pm
February 24, 2009 at 8:28pm
Goals, Dreams, Desires
I can see them clearly. I know how to reach them. I know how bad I want them. Goals, dreams, and desires. They are part of me, yet they are not with me. They are who I claim to be, but I’m not who I claim to be. I know who I am, but I’m not myself. It feels like I’m wearing a disguise. A bad one I might add. I have not let go of the real me. I’m here. I just can not find myself. Why? I’m too lazy. I’m too afraid. I’m too stubborn. It is harsh, but it’s true. On a good day, I’ll get up and I’ll try to reach for the stars, but I end up giving up by lunch time. It discourages me. I know what I can do. I am tired of pretending I can not do it. I am tired of pretending to be nothing. I know better. I know who I am underneath my disguise. God knows who I am. He knows I’m capable of much more. He knows I’m capable of reaching every Goal, dream, and desire. I know it also. So I will get up. I will remove my disguise, and I will show the world what burns inside of me. As long as I am doing it, I am succeeding and I am living. My foot is pressing to the ground now, it rises my body up, and now I am standing. I move my foot forward. Now I’m finally moving. I’m free.

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