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 |  The latest Life Journey of Nada, widowed, now married! Blog #4 |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm no longer a single widow. I found true love again. Call me Lucky! |
| I had no idea I was going to get a whole two blogs written this month. Wonders never cease. Speaking of wonders, I find myself smack-dab in the last few manic days before leaving on my....gulp...HONEYMOON! Yeah, ten months to the day we are finally going to take that blissful walk down the plank trip to seal the deal. We thought we better do this while we are still technically newlyweds...well, and because it has taken us this long to save up and clear the decks. This will be my third honeymoon. The first was in Hawaii when I was 18 (since I was living there it wasn't exactly a huge deal), the second was to Europe and it was a very big deal. I was MUCH younger (34) and a whole lot less sophisticated. (That means I still got cranky around that certain time of the month...oh hell, I cried.) This time I am MUCH older and certainly not prone to being cranky just once a month...and crying gets you nothing but black streaks down your face, so it promises to be very interesting. I bet I even have an orgasm. GASP! (Oh the things that are important mandatory thirty years later!) So here I am trying to figure out what to pack for a thirty day cruise to THE SOUTH PACIFIC. (Don't hate me, I was tired of the Panama Canal.) Paul is quite the athlete and I am not. I'd like to be, but the years of wheelchair pushing and everything else have taken their toll...especially the arthritis. That being said, since I have tried snorkeling twice now and have my own gear...suffice it to say the equipment will need a suitcase of its own. That also means bathing suits even though I am allergic to the sun. That doesn't stop me from taking off my reading glasses and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, "Not bad." So six bikinis have found their way into the suitcase. There will be EIGHT damn formal nights. Yeah, eight. Well, I decided after suffering through five on one cruise there will be no way. It's just not fun anymore. I'll wear take a few formals, and a few cocktail dresses. I like choices. (I'm thinking room service a lot to be honest.) Mostly I want to take art supplies. I'm hoping the stress of the past few years will melt miraculously away and I can draw until my heart is content. I used to want to blog...and I still do, just don't want to pay the exorbitant fees they charge when you can even get service. But I suspect I will pop in. If not...heh-heh, you'll know what I am up to. So, until the first week in April...adios, bye-bye, aloha, and be good while I am away. |
| One month or so from now my son will come out of prison having served two and a half years. It hardly seems possible that so much time has gone by. I remember writing about one of his letters from prison, a hurt and painful time. We had just celebrated his 43rd birthday, each in our own prisons. I was very cynical, dissecting each thing he said. Then I wrote about a revelation I had due to a chance encounter with a child at the post office. It made me realize that in order for there to be a change in our relationship I needed to point the way to change. It had not worked before, maybe I could make it work now. I had to try. For the past 2 plus years I drew him a card and wrote my letter inside. Always upbeat and each card drawn with him in mind. I put a piece of me onto and into each letter. I haven't written much about him since. I haven't spent a whole lot of time writing at all because I had lives to fix, mostly mine. I had to keep people employed and insured, run a business, negotiate with sometimes unbelievable insesitive family members, administer an estate in probate, keep my house, tend to my two dogs, grieve, and begin a new life. In the midst of this I was diagnosed with a painful and sometimes debilitating illness. However, I always maintained. Until yesterday. My neck is gripped with an invisible hand firmly clenched around it. I've dealt with stress in the past, had massages, seen chiropractors, meditated...all with varying degrees of success. Until yesterday. When my son went to prison and left his car on the street, not running, we moved it, sheltered it and finally had to hide it from his "girlfriend". A long, ugly story I won't pretend is fun to talk about here. He knows it still doesn't run. I offered to get him a reliable, working, economical car and a year's insurance IF he gave me permission to do what I want with his non-running car. It was to be an unconditional permission. Don't ask me what I did with it. He gave me permission...though told me how much money he had put into it and he was sure the "hard top was worth $1,000" and a friend would help him sell the car piecemeal. Huh, despite watching the news about our economy he is really out of touch I see. Immediately I began the search for the right car for him. Not flashy, no need to draw attention. I had a budget. No red car. No sports car. I would make sure it had a warranty, sunroof and decent radio and low mileage. I found a car and bought it. I'd drive it if I didn't have a car already. But, here is the rub. He left his driver's license with his girlfriend. Yes, that one. She just got out of jail I found out. Nice. He hasn't heard from her nor did she keep up his storage locker with his possessions. They've been auctioned off. I'd offered to keep his things safe, but of course he said no, his love would keep them. I'm leaving town before he gets out. My husband and I planned our much delayed honeymoon and silly me, I didn't think about the release date. I had asked him for the last 6 months what he plans to do when he is released. I got "earthworms" as a reply. Not even a peep of a plan. He's now upset with me because he planned on staying with me for a few "months", until he could get on his feet. Uh....would have been nice of him to ask since it is now home for my husband-whom-he-has-never-even-met. I don't trust him here with very good reasons. In fact I spent a whole day writing down exactly what we/I have done for him since 1986 when he first came to live with us at age 19. It took five pages. Five. Now I am thinking that is 26 years of him doing the same things, over and over. That means I have allowed it to continue. Well, seeing it in black and white, all that I remember, all of that hurt, broken promises he made me...well, I am over it. I owe this man nothing...I'll wish him a Happy 45th Birthday, and much luck. The days of him manipulating my guilt are finished. I deserve some happiness too. I told him he cannot drive the car without a valid driver's license, so it is up to him to take care of it. Otherwise I'll leave the pink slip to his non-working vehicle and he can sell it piecemeal or... |
| Well, I have very mixed feelings today. I signed my name to the deal I made with the devil errrr....my brother-in-law. Gee, that only took two years and eighty six days. Of course I've not gotten word that he signed yet, so I am not free yet. I drove myself to Santa Barbara to my attorney's office this morning. I was not particularly thrilled. You see I had already signed a few weeks ago, but then found out they were not happy with the "deal". Sigh. Anyway this morning I woke up at 4 am, the recipient of a cold. Ugh. I had not been feeling well all weekend, but this morning it presented itself in all of it's stuffy glory. I took an Advil@, a Mucinex™ and sipped some cold relief tea, then pulled the blanket back up and had weird dreams until around 7. I decided to wear a sweater of Lance's...not sure why besides it being really cold, but it was warm and it seems apropos. I didn't realize how many of the sweaters I'd saved of his were sporting moth holes now. Come to think of it I probably have a few. Now it is done. No big party. Nothing. The thrill of the conclusion is somehow absent. I have no Lance, none of the companies, just a little bank account and hopefully that won't be lost in the new world order that seems to be on the brink of taking whatever any of us hoped to have in the autumn of our lives. Yes, I suppose some stress is relieved, but now I am stressed because of ill health and wondering if I can make it on what is left. I know it is no different than what everyone else is feeling. Somehow I don't feel comforted by that. I'm sure as the cold leaves my body and brain and the reality of things settles in I will feel better...gawd they had better! On other topics, I've decided to tackle a children's book...my drawings are simple so I've decided I should try it now that I call illustrate. I think I'll probably give it as gifts to those who have little kids. Besides, little kids' books are not very long, and I hardly am able to write a blog...so it seems perfect. I've done 8 whole pages. Yikes, maybe I'll finish by NEXT Christmas.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all. |
| Just got back from a trip to Houston to celebrate Paul's mother's 90th birthday. WOW...she still lives on her own, in a house, after being rescued four years ago by her son from a home her lovely granddaughter had placed her in. Suffice it to say she did not need to be in a home where everyone was demented. She is too vital for that, thankfully. My husband has good genes! She only wanted family at her party, mostly to introduce me. Awww. Well I finally met the sister Paul speaks so...errrr...frankly he doesn't speak of her much. I know why now. What a mean woman. Intentionally. She is also one of those people who one ups you no matter what. I'd say something, she'd snap, "I know that!" Uh, okay. I learned quickly to just keep my mouth shut. (I learned that pretty much on the drive FROM the airport.) The party was as the grandaughter's home. The daughter of the sister. Fortunately the granddaughter knows her mom is unsavory and actually appologized to me for having to put up with her. I began to actually like that woman after that. It was probably her mother's idea to squirrel away grandma I could now surmise. They did not have the traditional birthday cake, nope...we had frozen CakeBalls. Ugh. From what I understood they take perfectly good cake, shred it into crumbs then roll them up into balls, dip into frosting and freeze. They were not good, but provided some risque jokes! The one they brought her with a single candle in it looked like an earthquake had ruptured the surface...I guess shoving a candle into the frozen cake created it. At least his mom could blow it out. A self service fajita bar was set up for dinner. Well, it sorta passed as one...if you like the nacho cheese sauce they give you at the movies. UGH. I ate one without the sauce. I went home hungry...one skinny fajita and a cake ball just doesn't do it for me. The beds we slept on were twins...fine, except my poor body could feel every coil and metal bit. I did not sleep well for three nights. But hey, we did get to spend 3 hours at Costco on Saturday. Jeez. I got a membership...though the highlight was finding a recliner so comfy I ended up buying one when I got home. It's official, I'm an old person with a leather recliner. I could cry, but hey, the aches and pains I get are relieved somewhat when I use it so I acquiesced. I went to my doc on the way home, and he gave me a cortisone shot in my thumb...so I can now type, though I probably shouldn't. He also upped my meds which went fine...except yesterday I developed an infection. I was lucky and got some antibiotics from my other doc...so today I am feeling good. Today happens to be my dad's 89th birthday. We are taking him and friends out to dinner Friday, where I shall deliver the hearing aid he seems to have lost at the dentist's office last week! Lucky for him they found it. Lucky for me the dentist is in Ojai. Well, that's about it for all the excitement here. Hopefully I'll get back in here soon! |
| I was putting up some curtains when I happen to look out of the bay window. Seeing a disturbance in my spa, I strained leaning closer to the window for a better look. Water was moving and yet the waterfall spilling over from the spa had stopped a couple of hours before. Upon focusing my eyes past the screened window I saw something swimming and it piqued my interest. Longish, may be a foot long, I could see it undulating beneath the water. It was beautiful, mesmerizing even. I was unsure if it was a young snake, or perhaps a chipmunk, but I continue to watch fascinated. Finally it swam over to the edge, broke the surface of the water, jumped in a lyrical way, reaching… trying to get to the edge. Oh. It was a chipmunk. This is the first year ever for chipmunks on the ranch. Usually I saw them dashing about the outside of the pool, playful, yet twitchy like they were on some drugged game of tag. They would climb up to the overhang and dart in and out of the Wisteria, a source of amusement for me. Round and round they would run, scaring off the birds who had landed on the screwy young branches in hopes of drying their ruffled feathers after a quick bath in the waterfall. Just as summer had dwindled so had the chipmunks. Raptors nested in the palm trees and sought out the furry little creatures to feed their young. It was mother nature caught in her humor and cruelty. It was the way of life. I could see it was still an inch or two from safety. I watch for moment more as it undulated beautifully a little further around the spa and tried reaching the edge again. Captivated by the beauty of the fluid movement I realized if he just swam another couple of inches to the left he would come to the waterfall area of the spa lower by several inches to be below the surface he been trying to reach. He would no doubt make it to safety. In that split second I realized I should go down, maybe help him to reach the waterfall and safety. I could videotape it, and write a wonderful piece about it. I knew he'd make it, one way or another. I grabbed my iPhone and made my way down the stairs turning on the camera function as I went. As I walked down the stairs the camera came on. I accidentally hit the photo button trying to put it into video mode. It snapped my picture, twice. By the time I got to the back door, perhaps 30 seconds passed, if that. I opened the French door and walked the 10-15 feet to the spa's edge with the video camera now running. Only now he was laying on the portion of the spa made for sitting... under water. Maybe 8 inches below the water's surface. In that split second I saw him as he took his last breath, inhaling a final breath of water, maybe a thimble-full, that would fill his tiny lungs and cause instant death. Horrified at the realization I stopped the video wondering how I could have stood there taping his last breath when I had gone down to help him get to the edge, to safety. Fumbling, my shaking hands now erased the video as if the mere act of doing it would allow him to live. By erasing the evidence this disgusting inaction of mine would not exist anymore. The two accidental pictures I took on my way mirrored my disgust, unknowingly captured as I made my way. I hit delete twice more. Yet the nightmare of reaching into the cold, clear water left an indelible imprint on my psyche. The water was cold, his now lifeless body was still warm, flushed with life, but I knew would be rapidly growing cold. As I lifted his now lifeless body up, water droplets stream down my hands and arms tainting them with his too-fresh death. A death I probably could have prevented had this You-Tube moment not caused me to forget my humanity. Tears streamed down my face. In this moment I thought of my brother, mother and husband taking their own last breaths. I glanced behind me to where I had spread my husband's ashes. This is where I will lay this lifeless body, just 2 years after. I understand so much more about life and death. The irony of our media culture has hit home The vultures are always lurking, casting a shadow. None of us escapes. |
| "Cannonball". I am thinking cannonball is a good way to open, just because I figure this is the first blog that I've ever done with speech to text and I wanted to make a splash. This is not easy. I have probably started this blog four times... today. Okay, so I may start with a drip. I'm using a free app someone told me about for the iPad. It's from Dragon, the Dragon for Mac. I believe it's called Dragon dictate. To me it was so successful I actually went to the website and ordered the full program. Should be here in a few days, then watch out! An interesting sidenote to this program is the fact you must say the punctuation in order for it to appear. So I'm not sure how I can work in some words that have dual meaning, like "period", but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Today it's supposed to rain and I woke up thinking, " Oh I'm going to be so sore and gawd knows in what places" on my body this morning. It seems like every morning before I wake up first I try and pry my eyeballs open because that's a side effect of RA. I guess it they call it Sojourns disease... or in this case it's probably( I hope) only dry eye balls. Yesterday morning I woke up with virtually no pain whatsoever. This morning pretty much the same and I'm surprised because it's cloudy and supposed to rain. Mind you it has only been 2 days out of over two months I've not been in so much pain...one day at a time though, I'm hardly complaining. Last night I took my first dose of the dreaded medicine. Originally the doctor prescribed to take six tablets once a week. I checked with my local doctor who, upon seeing me have some adverse reactions to other medications, suggested as a conservative approach we start with three and increase it by one every week or two. Obviously I decided to go with the more conservative approach until I see how my body handles that . So far so good. I also have to take a folic like acid tablet every day to keep me from losing my hair or getting mouth sores. Oh yuck. But no complaints so far about 11 hours into it. I must say it feels rather decadent to be in bed looking at the bedroom ceiling and dictating my blog. I think you know when you type you have a little bit more hesitancy room between thought and actually typing. Oh well, I'm sure somehow the brain and the voice will come together and make some kind of really cohesive blog...at least until then I remain completely amused. Out of the blue yesterday I got a call from a broker asking if I might be interested in selling my house? The last time that happened, we ended up selling the house and moving back to the ranch. Well, if I sold the ranch now I have no place else to move now. One day at a time. So far it's just an exploratory call. I think while I'm partially successful doing this little experiment I should end here and I will try again in the near future. Thanks for hanging in since I nearly forgot the punctuation. Till next time remember...."If not now, when?" |
| See below for the rest of the abbreviated blog ... |
| However I will only tell about one...pain. Yeah that's right, this past Saturday the weather turned distinctly fall. You know, foggy and damp, a hint of the discomfort (and sometimes beauty) to come. unfortunately when this happens bones, muscles and joints all scream out in pain. Oh, I try ibuprofen which works some, and cold or hot compresses, and even a Japanese pain patch, Salonpas. I must say the patch works best and rather quickly, although finding something to mask the smell of it is difficult...I gave up trying, so I smell sorta like chewing gum. . My apologies to those who found this entry and it was abbreviated ...I don't know why. Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that on Monday I begin the once-a-week pill regimen. I have been carefully weighing the pros and cons and was preparing my body for IF I decided to try it. That included going to the eye doctor, dermatologist and getting my flu shot. Well, the pain Saturday was debilitating, so my mind was made up in a hurry...if I can have my life back by giving up a glass of wine in the evenings so I can take these pills and have a chance of getting my life back, I'll do it. I'm only waiting until then because of my flu shot. Thankfully the weather has been cooperative, so the pain is minimal and bearable. Paul has been incredible...gives me massages voluntarily, makes me laugh which pumps in good endorphins, and loves me unconditionally. Pretty lucky woman I am! I am getting a program which will allow me to blog without typing...hopefully that should improve my ability to do so...gotta blog ya know! Thanks for your patience, again!  |
| I guess I am not doing as well as I had hoped in the blogging department, but hey I am trying! Sometimes I wonder how to get through each day. I have not begun the pill regiment the doctor prescribed because I want to make sure when, or if I do, it will be as safe as I can make it for me. That has involved taking care of other issues and trying to relieve stress. Stress is horrible, and I have been under it for a few years, no matter how much happiness I manage squeeze in. I understand a certain amount is normal, and these days everyone has more...but I mean the extreme stress of not knowing everything else...it isn't not knowing, but having a lack of control over day to day life. In other words it's still trying to clean up the mess Lance left, mostly his brother trying to control me. But, I'm told one day it will end. I just hope to live long enough...heh-heh. Soooo, besides that Cesar is making me (and Paul now) laugh. I seem to have a knack for having men in my life who are kind, compassionate and completely useless when it comes to getting anything technical done, or thinking things through. Gawd, I love them, but it means I get to be boss over certain parts, which is a hoot. If some of you remember my "tool woman" days, THEY'RE BACK! I suppose the only difference is my red tool box is now inside of my red wagon (and a bunch of other stuff Cesar couldn't find a place for I suppose) and it's filled with acorns and other choice goodies the ample animal population has "squirreled" away for winter. Sigh. No more filling the wagon with firewood and filling my firewood bin. Oh that reminds me... The two 150+ oak trees in the front of my house are gone. One fell over this spring, thankfully hitting the poolhouse roof and not my new roof and second story remodel. The other...well, it was dying a slow death and I had to have it taken down before it too came down, and it would have since the pieces show it was hollow in many places! Yikes, I saved the day. Life is so hard for the superhero in us sometimes, but we do what we gotta do. My house looked naked now, but safe. My body says I have to stop now, so I have no choice. Hope you all are well and I'll try to get back sooner...though I do read more often than I blog!  Thanks for stopping by! |
| August seems to have been a really sucky month for me. I suppose it has for many. Usually my birthday month is a good one, even great once and awhile. Two years ago in August, on my birthday actually, was the beginning of life as I knew it starting the decent into "It will never be like this again." Hey I know nothing is consistent in life, but mostly we meander through life making small adjustments. We hang a Vacancy sign out when we need something and wait for it to fill up. Well, August of 2009 proved to be the month I lost Lance forever. Yipes, I was not prepared, can you ever be? Anyway, I muddled through trying to make some kind of life alone, and I found a way through drawing to deal with the many issues. I threw myself into work and making sure I stayed well. I went into probate, because Lance died so suddenly we were not prepared. Well, the rules state his mother was entitled to some of his estate. I was fine with it. Enter the brother. Soon I felt ready to go out...to resume life, or try to live it as I was healthy and able-bodied. My Vacancy sign was out. Then came Paul. He made me laugh, he supported my every decision, he loved me. I fought it, really. I didn't feel worthy of such a wonderful man...again. But he stuck with me no matter what I threw at him. He decided my birthday in 2010 should be one to celebrate in Hawaii. We spent 2 glorious weeks reveling in each other...nobody could elbow in on our happiness. It's when we both fell deeply, head over heels in love. That Vacancy got filled. Meanwhile the Brother of Lance made every effort to grab everything Lance and I had. Oh yes, I heard him promise me, "I would never take away your house, I would never take away your health insurance, you can trust me." Words, only words. This August his actions defied his words. He wants to take away my income, and my health insurance. All of this despite knowing I have health problems now. He is holding the estate hostage because he can. Meanwhile my future is somewhat on hold...his life goes on. I couldn't wait for Sept. to be here, and now it is. WHEW! I made it through another August. Guess what...I am feeling lucky! Lucky to be here, lucky to not be in too much pain daily and best of all, Lucky in Love. What more can I ask? I'm happy, and have a stand by me man. Things to be thankful for. Oh yeah, and I have some really good friends. Lucky me. |
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. Cute pictures! I'm so glad you have found a new and different, but still beautiful, life.