I am addicted to this site. My housework gets overlooked. My finger are asleep as I surf hour after hour. I tell my kids, "Go play" so that I can read and write more. I can not stay away from my site. But hey, I know I am not the only Writing.com junkie!!!
|Went to mama's side... We had it in Myrtle Beach .One of my uncles is 90 now. Where does time go
| I am shocked that I have not written in two years!!!!! I come to the site alot---but never to update my journal. Storymaster just gave me an upgrade in honor of my 10 years birthday on this site. I wrote him that I can remember that morning like yesterday of finding stories.com (before it changed to writing.com)
My last entry found me a little depressed! But I am feeling good these days. I finished my second Masters degree and changed jobs. The changing of jobs is one that I will have to write about soon--- but it is a lonnnngggg story that I do not feel like going into today> But with my new job I am not around phony snots like I was at my old job. I feel like I am truer to my self---much happier with myself. I am making more money and have benefits that I did not have at my old job. So all in all- the change in the last year has been a great one for me.
My kids are growing up. I have one going to Jr. High and another is a Senior this fall. WHere has the time gone??????????? I will try to update more later.
WHO THE HELL AM I
|I should come here more often and wrtie. I come to the site everyday. But I rarely write anymore. It is not because I don;t want to. More like I am lazy. I have the want, but not the will.
This morning I was half asleep-- that time right before you wake up in the morning and was thinkiing of why I am feeling so blah lately. Of course. some of it is still grienving the death of my mother. But there is more to it than that. I think I am just so overworked-- but what's new there? I don't exactly know why I feel so weird. I wouldn;t say I am really depressed-- I have been before-- but this is different.
First, here is what is going on. I do not feel like doing anything. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to cook. I don't want to do anything!!
This presents a problem as ;my husband loves entertaining. Thankfully, he likes to cook too--but the thing is-- I used to do all the cooking. Now I let him do it. I think he gets pissed off at me about it sometimes. BUt hell, he loves it -- I am usually doing homework witht the kids or working on one paper or another for my college classes.
I think going back to school is part of the reason I am so tired. I have not had a break in two years. I am taking this summer off though and then I will have one more class in the fall.
But this morning I was pondering this feeling I have. I think it just occured to me that I have in some ways lost myself. My schedule and time and sometimes feelings are what others expect of me.
For instance, this morning I thought how I have the day off and could do anything I wanted. But the thing is I didn't truly know what I wanted to do. I could go cook breakfast-- but that is not what I want to do. I could go and see a movie-- but the husband wouldn't want to do that. I could stay in bed and sleep but others woudl think I was nuts. I could call a friend-- but I don't really want to talk to anyone. I could stay online on this site, but the family would think I am online too much. I could go see me Dad-- but I just saw him yesterday and really don't want to go anywhere. I could read== but I really need to spend time with the family. BUT I really want time to just do nothing and not talk to anyone.
Many times we have friends over and no one asks me if I wanted company. It is just an expected thing around here. When my husband goes off to see friends-- I have gotten in the last couple of years-- that I stay home more. They think I am becoming antisocial. BUt I think it is part of me finding time for myself. This weekend-- we hosted yet another party for my son's baseball team. Then we had four kids spend the night. Some of those are neighbor kids and overall the kids were here for two days. I am tired of company. Yet, I know my son loved having his friends over. But I want to have some me time.
The thing is as a child ( I had a happy childhood) I always did what my parents expected of me. THen as a wife and mother, I am the same way. Don't get me wrong. I would not trade m;y life for anything. I Love my family. BUt I thnk somewhere along the way-- I have truly forgotten what I like and want and maybe even how to feel about soem things.
I read a book about a girl who was bullied in school. It brought back some memories to me. When I was about in the later elementary school on up through middle schooll-- I went through some intense times of bullying. Not to the extent that the author of the book I read did. BUt enough where it made me have a low self esteem. And to this day-- it just hit me this moring-- I still have a low self esteem. This relates to how I am feeling because I somewhere along the way became a people pleaser and let others needs come before my feelings. My family and friends and even strangers feelings and wants come before mine. And now when I have a time to think and find myself again--- I do not even know myself anymore. I am someone;s daughter, wife, mother, friend but who am I? I am a teacher-- but that doesn't feel like me. I am actually a good one (so I have been told) but I do the job for others. I want to teach for the kids I teach---not for what I get out of it-- but what I can give. I am a friend-- but sometimes I feel like I give so much more than I receive. I am a wife--- but sometimes I feel my needs get overlooked. I know my husband loves me and he shows me . I wish he would tell me more. I need to hear it. I am a daughter. I have always been close to Daddy-- but am even closer now that Mom is gone. But I feel like a parent in some ways as he is aging. His needs are upmost in my mind these days.
I know this is long and weird. But it is how I am feeling. I am not really upset by it. I am just amazed that I am feeling like this in my 40's
On aoother note-- another strange thing--- I have been having these weird dreams. I first had one before my MOM died where I dreamed she went away for many months and Daddy knew where she was but we (I was a child in the dream) didn't . This was so unlike my mom. She would never in real life had done such. In my dream I try calling her over and over on the phone. One day she comes home and all is well again. She then takes me to see my grandma (who in real life has been dead for years) Grandma has been alive all this time but now is in her very old age and bedridden. I go see her adn am so happy. I realize this is somewhere in the western U.S. and this is where my mother was all the months she was missiing.
Well the first tiem I had that dream I woke up crying. Less than three months later my Mom died. I think my subconsious was preparing me. Now I hve that dream but it is almost has it has come true. My mom is gone to be with my grandma in Heaven. I know I will see them again someday. I wish I could just pick up the phone and talk to them. In my dream I felt the uneasiness of my Daddy without my Mom. I see that uneasiness now in real life. So now I dream this stupid dream over and over. It changes in some ways.. but that is the just of it.
I wonder if part of me trying to find myself is because I have lost Mom. I mean the other day I was trying on bathing suits ant thinking how I needed her opinion. OR the other day as I put on eye color I wondered if she would like the colors. She was my honest opinion giver. I do not know if I can trust anyone (except my sister) for that kind of girly opinion. Even my friends would lie I think and say something looked good even if it didn't. Last night I dreamed of her again. THis time she way in bed-- very much like how she was in lher last days of life and she was talking to me. I could hear her voice so clear. I woke up and was so sad. I miss her so much .
So I am back to asking myself with all the above things going through my pyschi-- who am I? I think I need to take some time to think about myself. I don't want to have someone else's opinion. I don't want to always do what others want instead of what I want. I don't want to act nice to people that I don;t like. I don't want to be a fake. For instance, I feel like I just carry on conversations to be nice. Some people== I don't really care for == but they would never really know.it., Is this fair to me ? I don't knwo maybe I am just being a total bitch adn selfish.
I really don't like to think too much --- I always think of Mom and then I am sad again. So in some ways this blah feeling comes back to missing here. I think there is a part of me that is lonely without her in my life. Therefore== I am trying to find that part off my life agian. IF that even makes sense?
Mom was my best friend. We shared everything. I woudl have even shared how I am feeling now. IF I tell anyone else even my husband== they would think I am a nut case. So I come here and write. I do know my Writing friends understand.
I will continue to ponder and comtemplate my life. I think just need to speak up more and be a bitch if I have to. Then I can find the time to be me!! I will quit letting my feeling not be heard. I will quit trying to be a peacemaker. NOW what can I go do??
Will I ever finish this madhouse????
| I am a professional student. I am 43 and still in school. I actually got my Masters Degree in 1996 and swore off college forever!! But oh no!! The other part of me wanted to go back for an add-on certification to my Masters. I have been back in school for two years now and have one more semester. But I am so stressed out right now because i am taking two classes- one of those being an internship and I am working full time with a family. AM IINSANE OR WHAT?? If I make it through April I will be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have so many papers and projects due for college and for work!!!!!
In other news, I am glad that yesterday I had a little time with my 10 year old. We spent some time just the two of us walking along the river and taking pictures. We were actually working on a project for his class. But he told me in the sweetest voice that he was having a great day learning about history with his MOM!!! I thought how I need to enjoy these moments with him before he hits the TWEEN ATTITUDE!! Hopefully, he won't have it too bad. He is such a calm, laid back type of kid. In fact a complete stranger told me yesterday how well behaved he was in a store. I had left him at the photo center to pick up photos as they shot out of the machine. I went over to another ailse and got some merchadise. THe store clerk is the one that told me how good he was and that she didn't even know he was there because he was so good. His teacher tells me that all the time. I am proud of him. His brother is good too. I hope they stay that way when they grow up. I want them to be great men.
I think of my Mom a lot. It is hard to believe that it has been 4 months since we lost her.
She fought until the end. She had been sick all week and Daddy met me with her at the Emergency room on a Sat. I will never forget meeting them at the truck with a wheelchair and she was all dressed up and had that make-up on. She rarely went anywhere without her make-up. She just smiled at me as I met them. I knew she felt bad though. Over the days the cogestive heart failure on top of her Pulmumary Hypertension just did not improve. Our cousin is her heart doctor and came to check on her and told us she did not have much longer and we should let her go home with Hospice. My family was so upset. Mama had fought having Hospice brought in a year ago. She felt like that meant we were all giiving up on her. I was the one who had to tell her because no one else in the family would do it. It was the hardest thing for me. She got mad at me and told me to shut up. She hardly ever spoke harshe words to me like that ever. She kept telling me I didn't knwo what I was doing. She blamed me because i was the strong one. She barely spoke to me for a couple of days and it broke my heart. But the two days later while she was still in the hospital she softened up and told me she was just upset and nervous about everything. I think she realized there was nothing anyone could do but make her comfortable. That night I watched her grab my Daddy's hand and hold it. I felt like she was accepting things then.
At home my sister and I took turns being there with my Dad and brother day and night. We had her with us for six days after she was released from the hospital. She got weaker each day. My husband was out of town so I stayed most of the nights with her ( My kids too) Mom wore a pump that gave her the medicine that kept her alive for over a year. It was a difficult pump to change out and she was shaky the last few times she changed it. The last time she changed it -- it took me and my brother and sister to help her. BUt she insisted in doing most of the work because she always thought we would do it wrong. THat day as we finished the bandages she looked up and said, "THAT IS THE LAST TIME I WILL CHANGE THAT THING> " At the time I did not realize the significance of her words, but I think she did.
Mom got to where she couldn't swallow well but still wanted to eat. I think it was part of her fight because she knew that one of the last stages of dying is refusing food.
In those days I have a few memories. She didn't talk much and would murmer. I would say what and she would do that exasperated thing she always did that I wasn't listening to her. I believe it was a couple of days before she died that we were in room and thought she was asleep and were talking about phones. She calls out " Charge!!!" It wasn't until after she died that we figured out she was telling us to charge her cell phone for my Dad.
I walked in on Friday and she had been asleep and she just smiled and waved. But it was a weird wave almost as if she was waving to someone else like an angel or something. I can't explain it.
Because of Hospice, Daddy and Jeff were putting in improvements such as a a smoke detector. Well, Daddy also had picked up a new kitchen sink that he and Mom had been thinking of putting in. They installed it the day before she died. I told her about it and she asked if it was white. That was what she wanted. I told her yes and she just smiled.
Daddy had been kind of sickly with a virus while she was in the hospital and then was having some reflux problems. She worried about him but still managed to fuss about him, "THat man always got to be sicker than me!!"
The day before she died she was in a semi-conscious state-- although we really didn't realize it at the time. That morning she had been awake and my sister and I bathed her and joked around with her. I think we tired her out though. But we dressed her in her pretty blue pajama top and I told her how pretty she looked. In the hosptal she had kept that make-up bag in the bed with her and kept the make-up on. But she didnt' need it. She was a prissy little thing and often told me I needed to put on more blush or more lipstick. She told me in the hospital I needed a hair cut.
She fell asleep around 11 and slept all day. My siblings and i changed her pump as she slept. The preacher came over as he often did and the whole family stood around her bed and prayed. She woke up and held her head up and during the prayer she looked around the room at each face-- almost like a child would. Then she closed her eyes again. That night she woke up and talked to me a lot. I can not remember all of our conversation. I told her we had changed her pump and she was surprised. She said she had heard me trying to wake her up all day-- but she couldn't wake up. I told her about all the visitors and phone calls. She told me she was hungry and I fed her a late supper. ( I think this was the night she had the late supper)
That night she talked in her sleep all night. I think she was talking to angels. She stated that she lived in Russell County and kept saying yes, yes like she was answering questions. But I would think she wouldn't have to answer those questions. I woke her up and asked her if she was dreaming and she looked at me like I was crazy for waking her up and went back to sleep. The next day she couldn't swallow but still wanted her medicine. and food. I gave her eggs and grits. She nearly choked on her medicine. She felt nausea so I gave her a liquid medicine to help her with that. My sister called and asked if maybe we should give her some morphine and I said she was resting good. I am glad I did not give her any morphine because it made her sick the one time I did. She fell asleep around 9:30 or 10. My cousin came around 11:30. We went into another room around 12 so Mom could rest. She had been asleep the whole time. I had gone in several times and pulled up up in the bed. She often slid down and needed to be half way up to breathe properly. She didn't wake up but cried out like a baby would that morning. I thought that was strange and told her, " I know-- I know-- I am too rough."
She wore an oxygen mask so Daddy and I kept going in and checking on her to make sure her mask was on. I think I checked on her about 15-20 before she died. Dad had been in the room five minutes before I found her. My cousin was about to walk out the door to visit a relative across the road. Hospice had arrived to deliver some oxygen. I went to check on Mom and realized she wasn't breathing. I called my cousin in. She was so warm and it was hard to tell if she was really gone. I guess it was just a surreal thing. THe oxygen guy walked in and my cousin said- "Ask him" His eyes got so big and I said to him, "IT is ok she is gone." THen he and my cousin went to get my Dad. I called my sister and she was on the phone when Dad walked in adn I said, "She is gone Daddy" We all cried out then.
By the time my brother and sister and the rest of the family got there-- her color was gone and she didn't look as peaceful as she did when I first found her. It was hard for them to see her. When Hospice came-- I pulled the needles of her pump out!!
When the funeral home came to get her-- her bed was still warm.
I wrote all this down because I wanted to remember her last days. She was spunky right up to the end. My sister and I took care of her and i am so glad. We actually had a nurse coming to meet with us that afternoon if she had not died. WE were going to get a third hand to help us out. I think part of Mom going so soon after she figured out that the medicine wasn't helping her was that she always said she didn't want to burden her family. She was at the point where we had started putting a diaper on her. We were having to help her move in the bed and everything. She didn't know about us gettin g a nurse. BUt she worried about us not getting rest all week because we were round the clock taking care of her. BUT i wouldn't trade those moments for anything. Her doctors had thought she had 3 more months. I am surprised how hard it has been. She was sick for 4 years and we knew it was coming. But it is still so hard. I still have such raw emotion and cry a lot. She was my best friend-- the rock of our whole family. Dad has been pitiful without her but is getting better. She was beautiful in the funeral home. We only let family view her because she always said she didn't want everyone gawking over her.
She looked so young and healthy. She was smiling. Before they closed the casket, my dad said, "This will be the last tme we see her" It broke my heart.
We are there for Daddy a lot now. I think we are closer than ever. Mom always did a lot of the talking. Now he does. He has always been so quiet. I used to call every day and talke to MOm. Now I talk to Daddy. He had always been one to stay on one project after another and has still done so. I can hear mom now fussing at him. " THat man-- what is he doing now-- tearing up creation:? " She fussed at him alot but they had a love of over 50 years. She was only 74 when she died. She had four older siblings. No one expected her to be one of the first to go,
February 15, 2009 at 8:29pm
| I have had several people ask how I am doing and what is going on in my life. SOOO it is time to update. I find that I do not have time to journal like I used too. Part of the reason is because I am working on an Add-on certfication to my Masters for Library Science. I am almost done. I will be glad as it takes a lot out of my day for studying and preparing projects and writing papers all the time. This on top of my full time job, doing an internship and being a wife, mother and daughter.
BUt I am not going to complain. I do love my life.... it is just toooo busy. I have really gotten closer to my Dad since Mama died. I was already close to him> But now-- it is even more. My sister and I try to do as much as we can to keep him from being so lonely. My brother lives with him. BUt still -- it is hard with Mom gone. We all have good days and bad days. Anyone who has lost a close loved one knows what I am talking about. I will be fine one moment and then hear a song or smell a smell that reminds me of her and I am just a big old cry baby. But I am glad to feel the sadness and be able to cry. I know at one time in my life I was depressed ( but didn't realize that was what was wrong) and felt nothing but numbness. So, I embrace the tears as well as the happy moments in my life. Because, I am not longer depressed!!!! I am sad--but not depressed.
My boys are growing like weeds. D is 10 and K is 14. He is taller then me now. I love those two little guys so much. I can't believe they are half grown.
My hubby is also great. We have been together almost 25 years and married for 18 and a half of those. Yes. we met young and waited six and half years to marry. I realize how blessed I am to be in the percentages of couples who are happily married. And for us to have met so young and stayed together. That is a testimony of our love for each other.
I am off tomorrow> I will enjoy sleeping in as my boys are older now and I am allowed. Boy, that is a nice feeling> I was reminded of that today as i talked to a friend with 4 children and one of those is a 8 month old who keeps her up. I do remember the days.> I like to say been there..done that...But I do miss the "Baby Days" Sometimes I think I should have had that third child. BUt then I am glad I only have the two. But yes. there are days I regret not having the third. I guess the reason didn't is that I would nto have been able to stay home for that year or two like I did with my other two. I just would have been so depressed if I had a baby and then had to put it in daycare.. That of course is not the only reason why we didn't have a third chidl---but it was a major reason in my mind. It broke my heart to go back to work with D being 15 months old . K was easier as he was 3 and my Mom kept him.
Ok got to go.
January 16, 2009 at 8:57pm
| So I haven't written in awhile. I am a little better since my last entry. I do miss my Mom a lot though. It is hard to even talk about her without tearing up. I found from some other people on this site -- the 5000 -- here are 100
1.Who are you? I am a wifte, mother, sister, daughter, teacher and friend. More than anything I am a Christian.
2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you? I am a strong Christian. I love my family dearly. I generally am an easy going type person.
3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing? surfing the net, going to college again, teaching, being a mother and wife, reading or sleeping
4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).
History, English, Literature, Science, Math
5. What is your biggest goal for this year? to be happier after the death of my Mom
6. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Not working-- enjoying life
7. What stage of life are you in right now? Mother of a 10 and 14 year old-- starting middle years.
8. Are you more child-like or childish? neither
9. What is the last thing you said out loud? Why you tell him that"
10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now? Sweet Home Alabama
11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes? no
12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same? It goes up and down with more ups
13. Does time really heal all wounds? I hope so -- but I think it depends on the wound and how deep
14. How do you handle a rainy day? If at home I curl up with a good book and take a long nap. If at work-- I wish I were home in bed with a good book. Rainy days make me sleepy
15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights? Losing your luggage
16. How is your relationship with your parents? My mom just died. She was my best friend. My Dad and I are close too-- even closer since losing Mom.
Will you miss them when they are gone? It has only been 3 months and the pain is worse than I could have ever imagined. I always dreaded this stage of life --losing parents. Mom had been sick 4 years and it was time to let her go--but it is still hard to deal with
17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you? No-- I get into my own world
18. What is the truest thing that you know? God is real.
19. What did you want to be when you grew up? a nurse or beautian
20. Have you ever been given a second chance? Yes, just last week I was almost hit in a wreck. A good driver avoided hitting me as another car pulled in front of him. I would have been canned tuna if he hit me.
21. Are you more of a giver or a taker? GIVER
22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind? yes
23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you? I guess childbirth
24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you? Mom dying and when my husband and I broke up ( dating stage)
25. Who have you hugged today? one of my students and one of my sons.
26. Who has done something today to show they care about you? My husband asked if I wanted a hamburger as he was cooking himself one.
27. Do you have a lot to learn? Yes, you never are through learning.
28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?
A sing or play the piano
B keep a clean house
C make a lot of money
29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel? How they make me feel
30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship? communication
31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?
A travel alot
B publish a novel
C enjoy life more and stop rushing through
32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?
A denying Christ
B suffering from a disease
C work until I am really old
33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause? Spreading the gospel to everyone
34. What does each decade make you think of:
20's: dancing and the way they dressed
40's: My Dad's pictures of growing up
50's: When my brother was born
60's: When I was born
70's: Riding the bus to school and hearing all those songs
80's: My teen years
90's: When I married and had children
2000 (so far): It is going by too fast
2010's: My babies will graduate from hight school and I am getting old.
35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why? 1980's I met my husband-- I was a teen and so many good memories of the times
36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song? I love Rock and Roll
37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country" U.S> Bush for a few more days
If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be? I like you even if others don't
38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night? news channels
39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why? This one stumps me. I will have to think about it
40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout? no
41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat? boat
42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night? The sun reflects the light on the blue prism of light during the day. At night the sun sets to the other side of the world.
43. What does your name mean? Lily of the Valley
44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space? ocean
45. Word association
What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:
Pink: My furniture at one time
46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be? Jesus -- except he is alive . So I guess it would be my Mom.
47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive? mmmm. I think it would have to be a cute actor. But I am not sure who.
48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday? No- but Dirty Dancing or THe Color purple are up there
49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do? my laptop and a book and a pillow
50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved? Yes. I saved a baby who was choking. He was blue and everything. It took about 5 minutes to bring him around
51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...
Fruitgoogle: Fruit that is so good and juicy
Ambytime: TIem to hit the snooze button.
Asscactus: what your ass feels like when you are having hemorrids
52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands? a sandwich
53. What was your favorite toy as a child? doll
54. How many TV’s are in your house? Don't ask---- 6 or 7
55. What is your favorite thing to do outside? swim
56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow? like God loves me
57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true? yes
58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader? NOOOOOO
59. What is your idea of paradise? It is so great that I am unable to put into words how awesome it is
60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like? GOD is my Father. ( Everything the Bible saids-- he is)
61. Do you believe in Hell? Yes
62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't? Nothing
63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done? MMM-- I don't know. I try to be kind all the time-- so in a way that it the kindest thing I have done.
64. Are you a patient person? YEs and NO
65. What holiday should exist but doesn't? My birthday
66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does? none
67. What's the best joke you ever heard? I can not remember jokes -- sad!!
68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been? Panama City Beach
69. Is your hair natural or dyed? Natural at the moment
70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front? Up front
71. What is under your bed right now? You don't want to know--- but its good!!!!!!
72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home? GO home.
73. If you drive do you frequently speed? yes
74. What is the world's best song to dance to? Slow dance to Feels so Right
75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone? I don't remember
76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers? I like both the same
77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo? monkeys
78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic? yes
79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off? yes-- I think the rotation is part of the gravity thing
80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it? read
81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick? Right to Free speech
82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? equator
83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television? watching tv
84. What do you think makes someone a hero? a person who gives unselfishfully for others
85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in? Road Runner
86. Name one thing that turns your stomach: Vomit
87. What was the last thing you paid for? a soda
88. Are you a coupon clipper? sometime
89. Get anything good in the mail recently? no
90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling? boiwling
91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So...
Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends? what:::: who cares
92. What insects are you afraid of? roaches
93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say? I don't know -- I will think of this one
94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn? underwear that kept falling
95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be? ice cream
96. What are your parents interested in? farming
97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet? yes lightning bugs
Have you ever caught and tamed a wild animal? no
98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans? plans
99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest? when i feel loved
100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring? toliet paper, a blanket, a soda
November 8, 2008 at 7:21pm
My Mom Died
| On October 26, 2008 my mama died around 12:40 in the afternoon. It was a Sunday. Such a fitting day for her to go be with her Lord and Savior.
Mama was my best friend, my confidentant, my everything if you will. I knew she was dying, but I still wasn't prepared for the sadness that my family and my heart are enduring.
I want to write about her and her life here. I am going to be sharing her last few days too. It will take time as I have such raw emotions to work through. But I know in writing about her I will have some peace too.
| Life is good. I am still addicted to this site. I am no longer teaching. Well I am no longer in the class room but I am teaching. I am now a media specilist and loving it!!
How cool is that!! AROUND BOOKS ALL DAY!!
My kids are great!! We are now out of school. I am back in college. IT is going ok.
Where is the link to Follow the leader. ANYONE KNOW> I think I am going to start blogging soon.
November 3, 2007 at 9:38am
WOW HAS IT BEEN THAT LONG
| I come to the site every day but I haven't wriiten in ages. K is fully recovered now. I did homeschool him for the rest of the year. He started walking in April and was fully recovered by end of May. WE took him and brother on a cruise in June and it was great seeing him walking again.
I have started back to school at AUBURN and getting an add on to my masters in Library science. I know am working in our school library and I love it!!!
April Fool's Day
| K is still out of school but we are going to try going to a couple of his classes tomorrow.
It has been spring break and now I am ready for summer!!!
| I want to thank who ever upgraded my account. You have blessed me. Thank you so much! I was having a crappy day until now!!!
| So it has been 2 weeks and K is still out of school. Looks like 6 to 8 more weeks so that puts us out for most of the rest of the school year. I am trying to homeschool him but it is soooo hard to teach all day and then try to school him too.
February 24, 2007 at 9:57pm
My son's accident
| So last Sunday my son was on his grandparents' farm only minutes and fell off a truck his uncle was driving. He actually was sitting on a cooler and flipped off the side. He broke his pelvis right in the socket in two places and his left pinky. He is wheelchair and walker bound now. It has been a tough week. BUt he is a trooper. HE is not in a cast nor did he have to have surgery. He just absolutely can not have any weight what so ever on that side ..so he is not very mobile. We are out of school for awhile needless to say. I am going to start homeschooling for a few weeks when he feels better. This is once I get home from teaching third grade all day. This week my husband took off to care for him. I will be off Mond and Tuesday of this week and then we have family helping out. I am glad it is temporary. I feel for caregivers who are at it for longer than a short time. We don't know if it will be weeks or months.
January 7, 2007 at 6:53pm
I need to update my account
| I used to update all the time and now I have gone about a year with a basic free membership. I need to send some money in soon so I can do more with my account.
The last few weeks I have been doing a lot of reading and reflecting on myself. I have figured out I am a people pleaser. I am better than I used to be-- but reading this book by Joyce Meyers really opened my eyes to some things I need to work on. I have always had somewhat of a low self esteem. i do not know for the life of me why. Most people have a rotten childhood to blame for self esteem problems. But I have had a great one. But I still do things for others at the expense of my own comfort and stress level. I even can look back in this journal and see where I've done it.
I guess the thing is I don't know always how I feel and what I want because I have always done what othere wanted or expected or told me to do. DOes that make sense? In the last year I have started doing things more for me since my kids are getting older and I have some down time here and there.
One thing in the book is about our perceptions. For instance we may think someone feels one way because they do something that triggers a memory that someone else did. For instance, my mom used to slam kitchen cabinets when she was upset. The other day as my husband slammed cabinets for no reason at all I found myself stressed and thinking he was mad about something. I remembered what I read. I even asked him to make sure, "are you mad about something?" and of course he wasn't. SO some things in the book make sense to me. We actually laugh in my family now about mom and the cabinets--but in some part of me-- hearing cabinets slam --stresses me.
D- has been really sick. He missed Thurs and Fri back at school. Today he seems better- no fever for the first time in a week. The antibodies didn't start ( doctor orders to wait before starting them) until late Friday. So he is just starting to feel better. I really think he needs to stay home another day but it will be hard with our schedules. Maybe I can arrange to leave at half a day with him if he feels bad at school. I teach at his school. It is such a pain to get a sub but I will if I have to.
Talking of doing more for myself -- i took an oil painting class. I have been painting and loving it. My works look pretty good too.
I am planning on working on my novel too. It is only half way done. I want to at least get the first draft down and start revising.
Another goal of mine is to exercise again. 6 months ago i was losing weight as I walked everyday. I need to get back in the groove!!!
December 23, 2006 at 10:13am
I am blessed
| I don't know why it is so hard for me to write an entry anymore. I come to the site everyday and my favorite thing to do is catch up on my online friends' journals. Yet it has been months since I made and entry. Seems like I only feel like I have time when I am out of school teaching.
This year has been great. I was going down the road yesterday and saw a child in front of a run down home. I mean a home that is really in bad shape as it just on the verge of falling in at first glance. But I realized how blessed I am to live in a home that is in good repair. I am blessed to have a great life with family and friends who I love. I think the Lord for all he has provided in my life.
The kids are getting grown. Kaleb is 12 and Dalton is 8. I really want to enjoy them as I know they will be grown soon. I like spending some quality time with them. The other day we went to the movies together. It helps that I teach at the same school as them so I am like hands on to them if they need me during the day which seems often! ( forgotten lunch money, or I don't feel goods!)
The holiday rush starts today as we go to one house- to another on Christmas eve and then to two more on Christmas Day. I am getting excited though it seems like we will be running through it all!!
mmm what to do?
| I am so happy to have nothing to do. It is amazing really. Usually I am running around trying to get everything in. Now I am caught up. Oh I do wish I could be a stay at home mom and wife. I would get so caught up on my life. With teaching -- it takes a lot of of my energy not only physical but mentally. By the time I get home I am so in "la la land" and just want to do nothing. But now that summer is here --- I have some down time!!! MMM I think I will go back to sleep now!!
| I am so proud of myself. I managed to get this house presentable yesterday. I can't believe it. Usually I never feel caught up. I brought a lot of baskets for clutter. I hauled off about 10 bages to Goodwill. Still have some more to do-- but I can at least relax some. Oh- and I got my carpet cleaned. Our good friend and neighbor does cleaning carpets for a living. So he came and we cleaned!!
Off to baseball camp now with the youngest.
so long ago
| I know it has been forever. But now school is out and I have more "me" time. I am so excited to have the down time to clean my home and spend with my family.
Tonight I watched videos of the boys as babies and toddlers. My oldest will be 12. Seems like yesterday I was dragging him to speech every other day and thinking how I would never get his speech corrected. NOW he is just a grown young man. Looking back on the videos I realized how much I do miss them being little again. My baby is almost 8. He thinks he is grown but will still get up in my lap sometimes for some cuddling. But I treasure even these minutes as I know soon they will be teens. I saw one of my newphews who just got married in the video. He was just around 12 then. Also my little nieces are now 16 and 17. Where did the time go?
January 6, 2006 at 9:12pm
I didn't make any resolutions.
| Everyone is talking about goals and resolutions. I didn't make any. Maybe I should. Too much thinking for me. Maybe tomorrow I'll come up with something that is do-able.
I am so glad it is Friday-- I will sleep sooooooo late!!
December 24, 2005 at 1:52pm
| In just a couple of hours, it starts for my family. We meet with inlaws. Then on to another house for extended family. Then home late for pulling all nighters waiting for Santa. Then up early to see what he brings and open presents. Then back to inlaws for breakfast. Then on to my sister's by 12 to spend with my side of the family. Then in the evening home again to enjoy what Santa brought. It is wild!!!
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