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 |   A place for me to share my thoughts and bare my heart: Not for the easily offended. |
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Snow covered the world around me as though God himself had decided to his erase his own creation. I felt a weight in my heart, a deep sadness. I sighed into the chilly December morning, my breath like smoke as it clung to the air before me. The world felt blank, empty. As the snow began to melt and colors peeked from below the thick blanket of white, I began to feel lighter. I had been given a sign. I knew, staring at the stark whiteness of snow that clung to the ground, that this was Mother Nature's way of cleansing herself, of allowing herself a fresh, new start. It was a metaphor for my own life, Mother Nature in infinite wisdom had given the maternal advice that I needed. It was time for me, too, to start anew. With a clean, blank slate, I smiled. Life was about to begin... December 23, 2009. The above is how I feel right now and what I've experienced over the last few days. This is my new beginning and this blog, though old, will follow me through this journey as I rebuild my life from this clean slate.
 ,Stephanie Grace |
It's been a while since I've written here. I just...feel like rambling.  I'm happy. I've managed to find a place in life that makes me feel complete. I've got my life, I've got the most wonderful friends, and I've got my family. What more do I need? My friend, Nell moved from Pennsylvania quite a bit back (February?), and I'm realizing how much I missed having a friend I could really talk to, a friend that's been there forever (Or, at least, for 16/17 years) and really knows me. This is not meant to make any of my other friends feel and lesser, but they're too... new. I thoroughly enjoy my friends and would most likely go insane without them. Their wit and compassion and friendship as a whole completes me. I love my life of sitting and having a few drinks with people that I relate to, people I can talk with, people who can maintain intelligent conversation --too bad they're all at least or about 20 years older than me! No, I said that wrong. It's now too bad that they're older, I just get along with them better. They're right for me. And, I love that Nell can fit with them. Perhaps we're just too old be only 21? Okay, before this becomes a 5,000 words essay on my friendships, allow me to move on. lol... I inherited a new pool cue and am now feeling an extreme need to go and shoot some pool! Yesterday was Lady's Night at the pool hall I used to go to, but I didn't --don't want to go there. I'm much more comfortable in my little bars where it's always the same people and I can make a fool of myself without thinking twice!!! Maybe I'll go tonight. Yeah...I think I will. It'll do me some good to get out and knock some balls around!!! What else can I say? Bar...better people better be there tonight!! That Jukebox rocks!! It was bad, though, last time we were in there. ...Some people don't know good music!! I mean, come on, you've got Queen, Black Sabbath, Steve Miller Band, Billy Joel, and MUCH more ....and you've got to be 21 because you're in the bar, so you should know these bands like you know you're name and you should play GOOD music, not whatever that noise was that they played!! Anyone agree? I know you do!!  Well, time for me to go soon, so I better run... Until tomorrow.... Sapphire |
| It's been a while. I really haven't got anything to say, but I wanted to add...something. Not right now, though...time to wake the kiddies for school. I'll try again later, I suppose. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Sometimes I wonder where my thoughts come from. It a bit hard to figure out where things come from if you don't let enough time pass before you think about them. It seems like all I'm doing today is thinking. I wonder if that's my way of grasping sanity today or if I'm pushing myself over the edge. Either way, it's Friday and by the end of the night, I'll let go of everything and just smile and have fun. I've developed a fear of Troy. I guess it derives from the sound and tone of his voice last time he called me. I've begun wondering what he's really capable of...and if he ever got that gun he wanted (probably not...no doubt he would've killed himself by now if he had gotten it). I hope not. As unreasonable as it is for me to have this fear, it's out of my control. I looked at my life today and realized that not much has really changed in the past few years. Even a day-by-day breakdown will prove that nothing has really changed. I have changed in some ways, but not nearly enough to see that I have taken charge of my life. I'm still on the verge of insanity, which I suppose will never change, but it's a nice thought. At least I am happy now. I can smile without hiding a lie. I can be honest without hating myself for it. I can truly be myself. I can truly be happy. Thank you, once again, for your time... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I really have nothing to write about. I've been horrible about keeping up with this, but only because there's nothing for me to say. Things with Scott are still wonderful and progressing beautifully, but, even when it comes to him, I still haven't got anything to say. Well, I'm sitting here racking my brain and searching for some words, but nothing is coming, so I'm going to end this. Hopefully, I'll have something to say within the next few days and acutally be able to update this. Thank you for your time. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Another day. Another twenty four hours of feeling like I should be doing everything, but being faced with the limitations of being human. Okay, so maybe it's a lot longer than just twenty four hours, but it sounds better when I think it will end. I need money. With my schedule, however, I would need a job that I could accomplish from home (and everyone else's home, since I'm starting to forget what my house looks like). This, of course, is an impossible dream, but at least I have one. And, in the mean time, at least I get to take care of everyone and get loaded with responsibilities that aren't my own. And I get to do everything for everyone, be on call for everyone, and still be broke at the end of the day. What could be better? (Maybe a real job, but I can't get one of those either...). I had another wonderful night with Scott. Another night that I can't imagine happening with anyone else. The closest would've been nights with Chuck, but those were never as good as these nights. I find myself constantly falling more in love with him, if me falling in love is possible. I really have nothing to say, which I'm sure you've noticed by now if you're reading this. But, I enjoy sitting here and typing...watching the words form on the screen with each stroke of my fingers against the keys. This keyboard feels comfortable somehow. It's pushed back and farther than mine at home (and much farther than I would have my laptop), and I think the distance keeps my wrists sitting properly because they haven't bothered me these past few days. I keep forgetting my dreams lately. I wake up only partially remembering little things from them, but still feeling how real it felt when they were happening. Mostly, they feel like drunken memories --those times when things are missing, when pieces of the night get lost as time passes. Typing that, I feel empty. Friday, Sue comes back form Aruba. No more dog sitting for me. I wonder how much money I will be handed. I've had the hardest time while she was gone trying to scrape up money for cigarettes and gas and it's not like she left food for me. I can't believe that she forgot to leave me money. I'm getting fed up with being screwed over constantly. Why am I such a push-over? We were supposed to discus how much I would get paid for this, but of course, with Sue, I knew that wouldn't happen and now I'm up the same old creek without a paddle (or even a branch to use as a makeshift oar). I want to believe that I will get enough money to feel as though I was justly paid, but I know I should prepare for the let down and stress of knowing I'll still be struggling when she returns. So much, I suppose, for it being a good thing for me to take on more responsibilities. So much for me being able to take care of, financially, the things that I need to. So much, I suppose, for life looking at all brighter. That sounds sad, I know, but it's not as bad as it sounds. It's not as bad as I make it sound. I'm twenty. I still have time to change my life. But, I don't really want to. I want to be able to take care of everything, I like the responsibilities I take on everyday. I like knowing that, every single day, I am helping out my family and helping other people. But, if it's so good, then why am I always so broke? I want to be able to help everyone out as I do, but how much longer can I survive with no money? I need to get a job. I know that. But, I don't want to give up doing what I do and there's no way that I can actually squeeze in a job without killing myself or only getting two hours sleep in every twenty four hour day. I need to check into those work from home scams. Either that, or I need to work on my writing more and actually get good at it and make money from it. Not everything I've written can be crap, can it? Somewhere, in some notebook, I must have something that I can send away to somewhere to make money. I need to get out of this situation. Anyone know anything that can help? I need a savior. I need someone to give me a job that I can sit here and do. Hell, give me an assignment to write this or that and I can do it. Anything for money (short of illegal...at least, for now.). I should go now. Time for a shower, some reading, some writing, some finding someone to jumpstart my car, some planning on how to get the kids and Jeff and Becky if I don't get my car started, some thinking about.... |
| I'm not sure what to write today. I'm not even really sure that I have anything to say. Yeah...I'll find something. First off, the concert the other night was great. Lori and Kathy weren't quite as bad as I'd expected. Scott was drunk which didn't really bother me, but I found that I often felt as though I had to justify his words and actions during the night. It was hard to have two of my worlds --family and boyfriend- collide. The aftershocks have died out now, which is a big relief. I'm at peace again today. Feeling the need to write, but struggling for what to write about. There's some story or poem that wants to come out and I swear I'll find it. Strolling quickly away from any point I may choose to make...Last night was amazing. Just Scott and I relazing together. We do this often, but it was nice to just sit on a couch with him, rest my head on him, lay down next to him. It was a night that proved how much can sometimes be said in silence. And then, to wake up and feel him holding me so tightly, not allowing me to roll away from him. It was so nice. Normally, he lets go a little during the night, but not last night. It was perfect. It made me so indescribably happy that I was there for it and that I hadn't drank like I had wanted to. Being sober made the night. If every sober night was like that, I'd never drink again. If a night like that happens once in a while, I'll marry Scott right now with no regrets. Sometimes things are so perfect with him that it's scary. Wow. I suppose I did a good job at finding things to say, but, for now, I'm going to get offline and sit alone and try to write something. Get something out. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Concert tonight. All dressed and ready to go five or six hours before we leave. Am I insane? No, but this could be the only chance I'll have all day to get dressed. This should be quite an experience. I'm going with such a lovely group --Scott (my boyfriend), Ellaura (my sister), and Kathy (my cousin). Scott's shy and quiet and I'm sure we'll get a good laugh when he breaks out his air guitar. Ellaura is...something else. She'll be loud and happy and perverted. Kathy is a perve and will be getting on my nerves, I'm sure. I'm also sure that Kathy will speak of nothing but how good guys look, etc... Yes, this will be quite an experience. (I should have a few drinks before we leave...nevermind waiting until we get there!!!). Anyway, I'm in a pretty peaceful mood today. Especially considering the drama connected with my car not starting this morning. Anyday when you drive three different cars before noon is sure to be an exciting day. *Rolls eyes*. I'm pretty out of it today, I think. I'm in this happy mood that is making me seem like I've lost it completely. I'm just happy and it's so nice. I hope that all of you out there, in here, and around the corner can feel this. And if you cannot, I hope that one day you do. Just smile. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
I guess since this is my first entry, I should be typing up some sort of introductory note, but I think we'll just jump right in head first and see where it all goes... I'm stuck in this rut place...trying to figure everything out. Of course, this is much easier to say than to do. I can't even figure out how I feel right now. There is some weight upon me, but I can't figure out where it's coming from. I just feel like my heart has gotten too heavy to carry around. Does this sound bad? It shouldn't. I'm actually happier in life right now than I have ever been before. It's amazing. Perhaps I'm just not being thankful enough. Sometimes things just seem hopeless, you know what I mean? Like, everything is so wonderful in my life right now, but I keep waiting for it all to fall apart...and moreso than that, it's wonderful now, but it's not going to be like this forever. The things that are making me happy are not the things that will make me happy in the future. The life I am leading today will not be enough down the road, but how do I show that to the people in my life without making them feel like they're doing something wrong? It's very hard to really explain...I think that's the best I can do. Well, I'd like to get some reviews done now, so I'm going to run. Thank you for reading this, whoever you may be. Your time means a lot to me. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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