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 |  Sometime simple, sometimes profound, always truth of some sort |
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What was I thinking? What will I think of next? Where can I hide? ~Ani DiFranco in "Untouchable Face" ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I make such a good statistic; Someone should study me now. Somebody's got to be interested in how I feel Just 'cause I'm here And I'm real ~Ani DiFranco in"Fire Door" ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I've been applying for jobs. Can't be one of those people who doesn't work. But anyway... my mom just said she talked to my aunt... Metra (train) is hiring for conductors. "They're looking for minorities and women," she tells me. She stands right behind me... I turn and look her in the face. "So, that means I should write that I'm lesbian?" (devilish grin) Mom: NO! You write that you're a woman.  |
| ... until my next neurofeedback appointment... And, right about now, I'm really needing it! I've been feeling damn well... but I'm starting to get really panicky... and like I said, it's been helping with that... *sigh* |
| How long (on average) do you take to shit? I'm really curious about that today. So, answer one and all! |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** LOVE IT Find them at "Invalid Item"  |
| ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** (Click!) It's a new activity I'm setting up. And, I created the image for it  Go me! |
 Last night, there was a black cat sitting on my bed. (Must have been either my Pompeii or my roommate's Monty.) I reached over to pet him, when I realized that this cat was not a cat... I was petting a pillow. Today I'm off school work. The whole state is shut down because of a couple inches of snow  But, I'm enjoying the 3 1/2 days off.I played PacMan the other day ... with my brain! And, I almost got 1,000 points. The neurofeedback that I started is absolutely amazing. The therapist keeps saying that I react very strongly to it and very quickly -- and I'm seeing that in my emotions, etc.The first session (in which we did both the left and right side of my brain), I went into a full-blown panic attack within 2 minutes. (She said, if we can create that, we can create the opposite.) The second session (we did only the right side), I came in quite anxious. After less than a minute, I felt very calm... by the end of the 10 minutes, I was not just feeling 'normal', but relaxed -- completely!! I don't think I have ever ever ever felt that fully at peace before... and it lasted a whole 24 hours! My third session wasn't as dramatic, but still I left feeling calmer.  More about cats: Stones is on me right now (I think she just likes this blanket  ). She kneeding, getting comfortable... but I don't think she realizes that she's been kneeding my asshole for the last 5 minutes... and if she does, well, I already knew all my pets are Special |
| Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before I Hurt myself again today And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Enfold me I am small I'm needy Warm me up And breathe me Ouch I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, Yeah I think that I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Enfold me I am small I'm needy Warm me up And breathe me Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Enfold me I am small I'm needy Warm me up And breathe me "Breathe Me" by Sia |
Damn is he good! I remembered that he was from my last visit, but I forgot HOW good!! ~  ~ ~ ~~~Here's one I just found (11:09am Sunday)
~ ~~~~~Someone else has great items, too! (12:24pm Sunday)
~ ~~~~~Wow -- I sure am posting a lot of relationship-related pieces... (12:52pm Sunday)
~ ~~~~~Oooh! Someone I haven't read before!
More to come... ;) |
| I ran another round of "Invalid Item" today. This round I had be a raffle, where the entry fee was 1000 GPs + 2 reviews to anyone. OR 2000 GPs + a link to a person for me to give 2 reviews to. Well, nobody did their own reviews... so I'm in the middle of the 42 I owe out. (well, middle isn't quite accurate... I think I just finished the 6th...) Anyway, I wanted to share a piece I found:
It's short, so take the time to read it. I would have sent it out an awardicon, but I'm not so sure I have the GPs to do it right now... Maybe there'll be more I post a little later... we'll see! Oh, and food: I've made it my goal (I think I already said here) to eat within my recommended calorie range (as suggested on SparkPeople.Com for me) 5/7 days a week for 8 consecutive weeks. Well... if when I get all of today's calories in, I will have done it for the first week! I'm damn proud of myself! |
| A bunch of food-related things are to follow!! Brownies: I made some yummy microwavale vegan brownies the other day. Finished them off today. Here's the recipe: http://vegweb.com/index.php?topic=6804 Try 'em! Goal: I have been on SparkPeople.Com for the last couple months... It's a great site for tracking goals, even beyond food-related ones. Anywa, my biggest goal is to stay withing my calorie range 5/7 days a week for 8 consecutive weeks. I haven't been doing so well on that... but I did it today AND yesterday!!! (After dinner today, it was a bit difficult, but I made it, anyway..)And speaking of not being in range, boy can stress really mess me up! With everything going on lately, I've lost 15 pounds in the last few weeks!!!!! If I hadn't started stepping on the scale religiously, I wouldn't have noticed, honestly... until the last couple days when I realized my clothes aren't fitting the same. In light of that, it's probably a good thing that my roommates took the scale out of the bathroom.... but, I'm left a bit anxious. My weight hasn't been this low (that I know of, at least), since '99... |
| Home sick today. Well, not throwing up sick... or fevery sick... or I-have-the-shits sick... but, sick and needed the day off. Anyway, things are still rough. Financially, I'm still f*ed up (but thanks to those who helped!). See, now all the things that bounced before are going through again... and any that doesn't go through gets a fee from that company AND a fee from my bank! *sigh* so, fucked up is the only word to use... But, I am living (in a very emotionally-draining/negative place) rent-free right now... without that, not really sure what I'd do...I'm finding a way to another place that I can feel a bit more comfortable with. Rent should be manageable (I hope.) Oh -- and (wish me luck!!)., I'm neurofeedback therapy. Controlling brain waves! I have my first appointment on Thursday after work (my birthday!) --- unless I cancel it...... I'll get more in here when I can... but right now, its just not the easiest. Oh -- and congrats, Lois!!! |
| I'm still looking for a place to live... been at a friend's for the last what week or so -- and I just met her, mind you... Anyway, yesterday, some one at work offered me to move in with her. "When you're ready, call me," she said. Well, I did, and now she said she's changed her mind. *sigh* Another option: a mother looking for someone to help watch her 8-y/o who has autism... started as a child care request... but then she said she's really looking for someone to live there... which I'm all up for... but just learned she doesn't like cats and would have to think about it. I can't give them up.. *sigh* We'll see about this one. She (it sounds like) should be moving into town in the next week or so... So, now I'm not really sure where I'm staying tonight... hopefully someone will come through *sigh* |
| Hey all! In honor of my return to the site. And to keep me coming back,I am giving the first 10 people free plugs on "Invalid Item" Enjoy! |
| What a week!!! Sunday: roommate Phil asks how much I'll be able to give for rent this time as its coming time to heat the house. I respond letting him know that my check was smaller and I'll need to look closely to let him know. He tells me to let him know and pay on Monday. roommate Patricia and I go out to play poker. Afterwards, I pick up some molasses so I can bake bread... come home to log on to vegweb.com to pull up the recipe... but my computer wasn't there. turns out roommate Phil had taken it with plans of keeping it until I paid my rent... which he didn't want until the next day, anyway..... I get pissed. Phil and I argue (and more). I get kicked out (but have my computer back.) In the process, I turn to self-injury and now have a couple (healing) scabs on my wrist. *Sigh* Spend the night with roommate Patricia. Monday: Have 3 UNPAID hours of training after work. (same on Tuesday-Thursday) Spend the night with previous roommates, Brandy and Teka. Tuesday: Ask to spend night with roommate Patricia. Don't get an answer for a while, when it is too late to ask Brandy and Teka to spend the night. Need to drive 45 minutes to get to where I sleep - Anne Marie's. In the process, I need to get gas -- I come up with $1.89. barely gets me there and to work the next day. Wednesday: Ask co-worker Bobbi to borrow $5 until the next day (when I can go get my check book) so I can put gas in my car. After work, she tells me to put $10 in with her card. I wasn't paying attention to the pump and put in an extra $5 or so and felt very upset with myself. Thursday: Cell phone gets shut off first thing in the morning. Then, I lose my keys IN MY CAR while getting a pair of shoes. This causes me to be late to work. Need to go to three gas stations to find one that'll accept a check without a driver's liscense... (need to get on to getting a new one... lost mine -- might as well wait until I have a more permanent address). Finally find one, and am told to pump the gas before paying. I do, and then my check is rejected. The process takes nearly an hour. Friday: Get less than a block from where I've been staying (Anne Marie's) and realize that my tire is flat! I realize that I can't even blame this one on myself... give my 'self injury tools' to my therapist, as I planned the night before. Regret it a bit later, but proud of self, anyway. Later learn that it can't be patched. My poor spare 'donut' gets quite a few miles put on it as I go in search of a used tire that'll fit my car (who knew you could do such a thing?!). I am the last customer at the last shop I know of... but did end up getting the tire put on... and can afford it! Saturday: Make a flier to put up in health food store. I have to laugh, as it looks basically like a personal ad. Here's basically what it looked like: 22-year old vegetarian lesbian with cats looking for room or roommate I swear -- I'm becoming more and more a 'typical lesbian' as the days/months/years tick on... *chuckles to self* Anyway, hope I didn't COMPLETELY bore all ya... Later! |
| i moved again. have even LESS internet access now. don't have my computer back yet... i should have it on Tuesday, at which time I should be on much more. I'm starting a new new job on the 15th. VERY excited.... I'll letcha know more soon. AND... i got a kitten. Named her Stones. |
| ... Just making my Convention Auction item now!!! I'm super excited!!! Oh, and that job I applied for -- I started on Monday... but actually hoping to get an interview for a public school position... |
| I applied at this kick-ass preschool today... the school is amazing. huge! 10 rooms! and all the supplies you can ever want (or so I hear...) And the benefits are just as great. So... wish me luck at getting the position. 4,569 |
| I'm in Chicago (well a suburb), writing this entry using my brother's laptop & stylis pen. Very cool! Exciting!! I NEED one of these now!! So, I should be getting one soon. Hopefully by Convention. oh - And I have brownies. Yum! who wants one? |
| I DID get my tattoo done... and it looks absolutely amazing!! The artist added more color... I'm very impressed. For all those wondering, it really doesn't hurt all that much. For the outline, it was like a pinch when it hurt at all. When she colored it in, there were a few points that hurt like a cut... but only for a second. And afterwards, when I feel anything it itches... but not intensely and not all the time. I'll get a picture up when I get one taken. |
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((Tigger)) Welcome back! It's SO wonderful to see you, and to read such an awesome blog entry about your life! 
