Thoughts on life and society can be pointless, but that's what books are for. I've never enjoyed reading. It's always been difficult for me to read. Sometimes, I imagine little demons pulling at my eye lids. The Devil is in the details. I like people, who can act. They're fun to watch. I guess I wish I could be an actor, but I just don't have that charm and I stutter. My life is meaningless. I just lope from one place to another. I think that's my strength. Most people need a career and family. .. Family is a nice idea, but I've never had a nice family. Is this becoming annoying? ... Let's start with Vertago! He's cool and a stud. He also is popping up a lot in my movie watching. The mind can make association: like is the guy on the radio talking to me? Or why am I seeing so many eye balls in my movie watching? Jeeeze! I just saw CASE 39. A really scary movie with an eye ball scene that's very icky. This guy has a hornet come up out of his eye's lid.. tear duck. Any who, it's scary. Well, when I was Veratgo on Private Games.com my picture was of my left eye. It was trippy. Just a note to the CASE 39 writers: Lilith is not evil. I'm talking about Adam's first wife, expelled from Eden, because she "Would not be his beast of burden." Lilith is the first feminist in Bible Lore, she is immortal. So you can't drown her. Nope, only God can stop her. Okay, this Vertago guy is still effecting me. Strangers will look at me and cover their right eye, cars will shut one headlight off. That's dangerous! I had an elderly woman pinch my butt an call me "Vertago." in the mall. There was a Vertago concert. There is a Vertago song by U2. I started writing about Vertago in the 90's on an Australian web site Private Games.com. That's when I was working at Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart was awful. I had an over night manager slap me in the face. I just wish people would stop dropping pennies around me. I mentioned that Abraham Lincoln is looking to the right, while all the other presidents are facing to the left, because he was assassinated. Now, I get penny's dropped around me. I wish I had mentioned the dollar bill and the star of David over the eagel's head. It has twelve stars in it for the twelve Apostles. Feel free to throw dollars at me. Reflections: I wasn't completely honest about what I said about the penny. I was quoting the old Civil war lore Lincoln was facing right because he freed the slaves and turned his back on the brotherhood. That's what I wrote on Private Games.com. I'm not in favor of slavery. |
What a different perspective you get walking. I stepped out my front door and saw a toad at my feet. It was a plump one. Maybe, the size of a golf ball. It jumped under some daffodils. . I've never thought walking was unusual. But, it seems that way now in Maine. We have stop checks. The police will question you if you are walking. They want identification. Most of the time they recognize me. I've noticed new traffic signs. The sign is blue with white letters and says, "Evacuation Route." Odd, no one told me we were evacuating? I've noticed many critters have been left on the side of the road. I even saw a dead deer. I called my friend to collect this fresh meat on my cell phone. I get the feeling there is a storm coming or some other.. calamity. Animals get restless when something like that is coming. It just doesn't feel right. We had a peat moss fire. The fire department was called. That can be caused by cigarettes or extreme heat. Most folks don't know there is a dormant volcanic rift off York beach. I swear the planet is shifting its mantel. That could explain the odd animal behavior. I don't think Maine has ever had a tsunami. It has had flooding and earth quakes. Let's assume that the coast has to be evacuated. Where to? Canada? These roads aren't large enough for that much traffic. The best exit would be on foot into the woods. It would take more time and planning. You can't stop off at a restaurant in the middle of a hike. I think the Huron tribe is around here. They might help out. Ponderous.... |
It's strange, but I've always had the feeling I knew something important. I guess that's narcissism. Take a moment and try to remember a time when you weren't thinking. On a summer day I could focus on nothing, but the bird's song and the breeze . . It was all about me. Life. Tree climbing was a big event. The trees were maple and sycamore. Pine was too sticky. Oh, maybe a pine tree was crossed over in the canopy of branches. I had a my first high fall from a tree. I broke my fall on the branches and had the wind knocked out of me. The thought of death did not seem possible. Mom told me to thank the tree for not letting me fall too hard. She had washed out my scratches. At the time it didn't sound ridiculous. I walked up to the maple and thanked it, then I slapped it's trunk. It felt good. Brad a neighbors child asked me what I was doing. I explained matter of factly. Brad thought I was nuts. His parents were humanists and he said he was an atheist. Okay, we had a debate. Followed by wrestling. Brad was younger and I pinned him. It felt good. Brad refused to concede. But, I let him up. So, what does it all mean? Well, I would walk through the house with a hand held mirror. Not to admire myself, but to see if the ceiling was over my head. I was suspicious. I even made a chalk x under my bed and checked on it. I had this idea that the whole house was an illusion. I was being tricked into thinking it was real. Every door in this old creaking house had a skeleton key lock, except the bathroom. For some reason this door had a deadbolt also. Was this so no one could use a skeleton key to unlock it? I liked the bathroom. I felt safe in there. But, there was a vanity sconce in the bathroom. It indented to three mirrors. This is where I found transcendental meditation after a hot bath in the standing iron tub. I stepped out of the tub and beheld my nakedness in the three mirrors. There was a round shaggy mat in front of the tub. Then, I crossed red and white tile to the indented three way mirrors. I introduced myself as I had to the maple tree. I sensed a presence. It was very erotic. A long closet was the next door to the bathroom. It shared the wall with the mirrors. The closet was L shaped and ran a length along the back wall of my bed room. On one inspection of the closet, I spotted a crack of light where the mirrors were. I could see into the bathroom through this crack in the joining of the mirrors. This closet was also connected to my bedroom. I had a naughty opportunity. In a few days I had seen everyone in my family use the bathroom. It was funny and erotic. Until, I reasoned that someone could be watching me. After a few days, I noticed the crack between the mirrors had been caulked. A hard knock came at the bathroom door, while I was enjoying a hot tub. Dad said he needed to use the toilet. I unlatched the dead bolt. He did a long stream into the toilet as I slipped on my shorts. Then, he asked me if I had enjoyed my bath. I of course did. Then, he added, "Did you like my caulking?" I felt my guilt was unraveling. I nodded. He smiled and shut the door behind him. How quickly I had lost my sense of importance. But, I had fun. ~~~ <^> |
My first brush with the media was a zoning issue. In Cambridge, Mass this can be a big event. The cambridge school board had voted to build a school for underprivilidge children on Huntington Avenue. This was near the house of Julia Child and the president of PBS. Well, nobody in that neighborhood wanted poor inner city kids running around. The school was nixed. I thought this was hypocritical. I had intergrated myself with many girls from the Freshpond Towers.. in my puberty. I guess it was section 8 housing, but it looked very comfortable. Another big issue in my neighborhood were trees. You couldn't cut down a tree without a permit from the city zoning commitee. Mr. Cohin did. He owned a rental house on Upland Road and wanted to put an under ground garage in. There were neighbors picketing outside his house. The idea that Mr. Cohin cut down a tree on his property without a permit and then increased the number of cars at his rental house was ... worth protesting. Karen Wild was arrested for protesting topless. She was a feminist and believed that if men could be topless so could she. It was a pleasure to see her excersise her freedom. There were press snapping pictures at Karen, not the hundred year old ginko stump. Mr. Cohin was a very important member of the zoning board and got his way. Right up the street a wealthy East Indian couple purchased a colonial house. The house was protected by the Cambridge Historical Society. The East Indian couple painted the house pink. There was a protest. The house stuck out like a pink elephant. The attorney for the East Indians, successfully argued that many colonial houses were painted pink. Karen Wild did not bare her breasts for that one. I, however, recieved a ticket for spray painting on the sidewalk. I called it art. It was a drawing of a butterfly with breasts. Saint Peter's Church was protested. Many church goers wanted to allow girls to be alter boys. I was an alter boy. I would have welcomed girl alter boys. Instead, Fr. Ducette gave us a lecture on "Why women sould be subvervient to men." Fr. Ducette told me that Maura was in Hell, "She had murdered herself." I didn't accept that. Let it be written I like Jesus. But, his followers can be a-holes. There's a book somewhere in my jumbled library; JOSHUA. It's the story of a Christ like man in a religious town. And the town folk do not like Joshua. I'll see if I can get a picture of it... Here's some fun pics! |
So, a dump truck rammed into my neighbor's house. The driver was a naked burly man. He had purchased illegal drugs from another neighbor across the street. Am I living the dream? Nope. I like to listen to Glen Beck, "We are bombing Yemmin .. Is this a fourth war?" Well, every President likes to bomb terrorist. Right? Regan was famous for clandestine Ollie North wars. Didn't Bush bomb Libya? Any-who, there's a crystal meth lab across the street from me. That's explosive. Why not bomb them? They're terrorizing the neighborhood. Am I a hawk? Okay. Let me tell another disturbing childhood story. One day two older boys came into our yard where I was playing. I was a toddler. They were teenagers. They decided to kick me. I fell over. I started laughing. My mom came out with a rifle dad had brought home from the war. The two boys mocked her. She shot the rifle in the air. The boys ran. I laughed. Mom grabbed me and took me to the kitchen. I got freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies. Is this terrorism? The police came and questioned mom. Now, this probably dates this incident. Instead of taking the rifle from mom. They asked that she not fire it in the city limits. Mom gave a Mona Lisa smile and agreed. The boys were told not to trespass. Mom told me not to play alone. She gave me a cool buck knife. I still have it. Dad was furious. He scolded mom for firing his rifle. "We have a phone." he said, "That bullet could fall on someone a mile away." Mom explained the threat the boys made and she would not use the rifle again. She was proficient with knives. Dad shook his head in despair. Dad got hammered on Jameson. Mom took me to the living room to watch We Willie Whistle. Dad stayed in the kitchen to listen to a ball game on the radio. Mom explained to me that if someone attacks me, "I should cut them down." She showed me how to cut the achilles ankle. I laughed. Is this bad parenting? Shouldn't we all know how to defend ourselves? I sat and played with my buck knife and ate my cookies. It was wonderful. Dad fell asleep in the kitchen. (^)(^) <+> |
Let us look for a moment at the erroneous interpretations given to the Gospel Story an ancient story presentation often presented down the ages, prior to the coming of the Christ in Palestine has been twisted and distorted by false clergy. Jesus is pictured as born unnaturally, as having taught for three years, and then crucified and resurrected, leaving humanity for a distant Heavenly Kingdom. The major appeal of the churches has been upon the death of Jesus and the Heavenly Kingdom. The keys to this Heavenly Kingdom are held by this false clergy. I say false, because this was not the life of Jesus. Jesus lived and preached to Jews in Palestine two thousand years ago. The possibility of some distant date Jesus will return from a cloud is not realistic. The triumphal arch in Jerusalem was walled up by Muslims when the Prophet Mohamed controlled the city. Muslim buried their dead in front of this arch, which is believed to be the arch Jesus will enter Jerusalem upon His return. There are those today, who know that the return of Jesus will begin with a world war. There is a hidden agenda in the New World Order to make one king. This is the ultimate conclusion of global competition. But, what will be the conscious of this king? This is the second coming of Christ. History has demonstrated that cruel dictatorships are always resisted by the oppressed. The necessity of the common good will govern this King or there will be an uprising. What is now becoming evident is the effect the solar storms are having on the global community. The magnetic polls have moved slightly and many birds and fish have died from this EM-Field. Earth quakes and floods have followed as the pull of the Sun increases. These are the cycles recorded in the Mayan Calendar. If there is a full Moon, during these solar flares the flooding is greater. All of which will push the world's nations closer to Armageddon. This is a natural explanation for the return of one king. |
Okay, I tried dancing. My dad insisted that I take Irish Dance lessons. Have you ever seen River Dancing? It's ridiculous. I was not a good dancer. The dance teacher had me do hop scotch. She was not impressed with me. I guess I should point out I was twelve. Sister pugnacious was kicking and in step. I liked the music and the sound of the bucrom as the feet pounded. I just stumbled a lot. You know your not talented when you step out in front of an audience and forget to River Dance. Everyone else was in line kicking and River Dancing. I just started and stumbled and did hop scotch. I don't know how much dad spent on the month of lessons, but he was visibly amused: laughing. Mom, had her Mona Lisa smile. Similar, flops occurred in the theater. I played Shylock and got all the words right, but kept tripping over the set. I bumped into fair Portia, causing her to hick-up through the rest of the play. This was one of many mishaps on the stage. I fell off the stage, but rebounded reciting my lines to the first row. A lot of Broadway shows like to interact with the audience; such as a deep cut on my hand, "It seems this contract will be signed in blood." I remarked as a motherly member of the audience banged me. My performances were limited by the drama teacher thereafter. It was onto the Chess club and the school paper: SMUDGE. I excelled at SMUDGE and did okay at chess. My favorite topic on SMUDGE was gossip. I exposed the the brownie thief. It was Miss Sheridan. She had access to the desserts before they were opened in the kitchen. I also revealed that Ralf had been cheating on three girls and he was a popular basket ball player. I was a top SMUDGE reporter. But, a frustrated actor. I love attention even if its bad. + ^ V |
"You will die alone and no one will care." This was the advice I got from my surviving sister. She liked to call me "Kiddo." I don't know exactly when things started to get tense between my sister and me, but my guess is after my older sister shot herself. That was a mess. My older sister used the wrong caliber bullet in the rifle. This made the bullet spin side ways through her heart. The police never found the bullet. It passed through the outside wall of the third story bedroom. Around this time, I withdrew and studied my religious upbringing. I asked Fr. Ducett what would happen to Maura. He said she would remain in Hell until she was forgiven. Naturally, I hated this answer. But, it started my religious inquiry. If God is all powerful, then how can evil exist? I assumed that God is benevolent. In Genesis Adam fell from grace and God punished him and all his descendants with death. That did not seem like a just God. But, I persevered. I prayed to the Virgin Mary; the mother of the Savior. My brother had these words comfort, "She was deranged and needed attention." "You must pray for her." mom said. "Your sister was mentally ill. God will forgive her." dad said. Dad petitioned the Church to have Maura buried in consecrated ground. The Church would not allow it, unless it could be proven Maura was insane. Was Jesus insane when he told Judas to go and betray him? I was raised in a conservative Roman Catholic home. My dad would only attend the Latin Mass. He strongly disliked the Novas Ordo English Mass. "It's a Protestant meeting house." he scowled. I was more concerned with the spiritual consequences. Where was Maura? This was impossible for me to answer logically. I lost her. I became suicidal. Fortunately, my fear of oblivion stopped me. "I know the smiling faces of my enemy I know the pretense that is the weapon used. I have been the enemy and learned to know myself well." (Daughters of the Copper Woman; Anne Cameron.) ~~~ <^> |
Money is the root of all evil. After being a caregiver for half of my life; it was time to pursue my career. I did warehouse at Service Merchandise. The company went bankrupt and didn't tell its employees. On payday we stood around in the parking lot of Service Merchandise and discussed how to get our final checks. I was living on minimum wage; pay check to pay check. My big brother told me to get a job at the Post Office. He liked to mail me M&M plastic Elfs for Christmas. So, I did. I was a 90 day wonder at the Post Office, but I never got full time. It was time for a serious job with benefits. I got hired as a manager at K-Mart. Being a manager has many perks, I was elected to shovel out the fire exits and clean the toilets. There was a tight budget at my K-Mart, but I believed in the K-Mart college. Someday I would retire as a store manager. I closed the store and put the cash in the safe. This was Assistant Manager work, but I wasn't an assistant manager. I was a department manager. I got fired for sexual harassment. The store manager had an assistant manager girl friend. He was married to another woman. I like his girl friend too. That was stupid. I weathered the storm and got a cashier/lot attendant job at Wal-Mart. That lasted 5 years. A college student from UNH said I was standing too close, when she asked which light bulb to use in her lamp. I had no idea that there was a three foot rule at Wal-Mart. The customer has a three foot circle that should not be entered by associates. The customer never told me I was standing too close. Tricky. When dad was being evaluated for an adjudication into a nursing home; he said, "I don't trust anyone." I thought that was ungrateful. I had been taking care of mom for 15 years until she died from klebsiella pneumonia. Dad died 3 years after entering the nursing home. My sister's husband said, "It was merciful." Dad had alcoholic alzheimers and couldn't move. The morphine IV drip was too high and his heart stopped. It was time to find a new career. "Hey mother fucker! I guess pay backs a bitch!" a fellow associate at the Home Depot shouted. He was referring to my foreclosure. I thought this was rude, but no one else did. The assistant managers thought it was funny. I asked my sister for $800.00. Her husband told me their money was tied up in IRAs. "Are you trying to pull a fast one?" she said. Row-row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily Merrily life is but a dream. =+= |
I don't know how old mom was when her step dad took these photos. He was a professional photographer and these pictures were amongst my dad's belongings .. I'm listening to Tori Amos, Strange Little Girl. Very apra poe. |
After graduating college, I had no ambition. The core requirements of the university had drummed any will power out of me. Basic math skills were a challenge to me and I nearly flunked French. My dad was less and less interested in me. He thought I was a moron. He could say it in French. I guess that's about the time I became a care giver. Mom's cancer was getting worse and she had parkinson's disease. She needed to be in full term care, but dad didn't want to pay for a nursing home at $7,000 to $10,000 a month. So, I started changing into Norman Bates. "Yes, mother.." was a common reply for me. I would struggle to peel off mom's depends as I held her shaking body over the toilet with my left arm. Exercise, involved a walker and a stationary bike for mom. I liked to lift weights in the basement. There was a basement window, looking up to the neighbor's bathroom window. Sometimes, Susan our neighbor would look at me from that window. I tried to look like I was power lifting. Somewhere, along this strange saga I started feeling up Susan. I would snow blow neighbor's walks and driveways. One evening Susan wrote me a check for $200. at her kitchen table. She was wearing a white bathrobe . The robe was not tided. I could see Susan's belly button and hairy parts. Well, that's when I ran my ice cold hand up and down Susan. She jumped and then giggled.. It was fornication. I enjoyed my lustful groping and sexual intercourse with Susan. Of course, I made confession before Mass. Dad insisted Mom and I attend the Mass every Sunday. This was a moral dilemma for me and a care giver's nightmare. The bathroom at the church was in the Sacristy to the right of the Alter. Mom needed to be changed regularly. So, I'd wheel her up the center isle to the Alter and kneel and pull open the gate in the Alter railing and yank the wheel chair up. Parishioners, complained that this was disrupting the service ... Mom had to stay home.+ Dad still mailed in his donation to the church. I was pleased to have more time with Susan. I like maintenance. |