Acme's (acme) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

2,953 Public Reviews Given

3,697 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest. I give my overall impressions, let you know what worked well for me and what didn't, and when that happens, I like to try and offer suggestions--totally up to you if you want to take any notice; it is your writing, after all. I am just glad to have the opportunity to read and review. I rarely think anything is perfect, so please do not request a review if you value ratings over review content.

I'm good at...

...being interested. I take time over reviews. My reviews are intimate, informal and honest. They aim to help, offer insight, and celebrate the graft of craft. I love commas. Punctuation is a personal passion.

Favorite Genres

Comedy, supernatural horror, sci-if, fantasy, thriller, detective, slice-of-life, history.

Least Favorite Genres

Dystopian glumness, romance, personal.

Favorite Item Types

Scripts. Fiction. Essays, especially academic

Least Favorite Item Types

Free form poetry. Other than that, little offends.

I will not review...

Unless previously agreed, novels and chapters are a no go with me. I am sorry to say that I haven't the time.

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#2978430

Review of The fine art of surrender

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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Acme Review

This review is offered in the spirit of support and is only my opinion. Please feel free to take what you will from it and thank you for sharing your work!

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Overall Impressions
This poem uses simile and metaphor to describe The Journey of Muse and Man. It only distracted me when you carried on the original simile of the muse being like a child and built it into an extended metaphor. It worked, but then, when I came to the third stanza, introducing the man, I wasn't sure where it was leading me. Metaphor's are great to extend, but work against your intent if you mix them; that's where some distraction can occur from what the poet wants to say, and how the reader interprets it. Eg:

The man becomes a lover
who yearns for the affections
of a skittish woman.

Taking the title of a journey between two pairs, I assume that this is the man's journey, following on from the Muse's (child's). It's unclear as to whether you now perceive that child to have become the skittish woman because you finish with:

Sometimes muses can be like this.

which leads me to read this as a mixed metaphor.

I did enjoy your use of language, and the vivid imagery that came through your descriptive scenes.

You may want to use the existing brief description as an author's note inside the main body of text and make the brief description relate to the content of your poem. Also, it's wise to use the three genre fields to attract readers who use the search engines. At the moment only the title gives any clue as to what this poem may be about.

Write on and take care!

277

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#2976519

Review of The Witch's Diary Part V

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

You built the suspense in your brief description of this Chapter

I was instantly absorbed back into your storytelling. I love the way the action and dialogue move the plot on so seamlessly. Every now and then you change the pace, allowing the reader to see behind your words and into your world. I have to share my favourite excerpt with you, because I think it's a really good example of good descriptive text, that shows not tells, and gives the reader little seeds of worry to mull on:

Bathed in the light of the afternoon sun, the house was not the spooky horror story mansion Melissa remembered. It was just a sad abandoned house surrounded by prairie grass and weeds. The scent of lilacs hung over the place, even though no living lilac bushes could be seen. All the trees and shrubs in the yard were bare, as if it were January instead of August.

Don't you just know that something is wrong with this place

?

Nathan's character develops really well in this chapter, even though the action surrounds Amanda more. You do a good job of developing him through his actions and reactions to events. One of the best ways you do this is showing his keenness for logic over sensationalism -- as shown in the brief conversation between him and Amanda:

"I never expected it to look so old," Amanda said as they walked toward the house. "It looks like it's been here for centuries, instead of only fifty years."

"Winters around here are pretty rough," Nathan said. "Abandoned places go downhill really fast."

You mentioned that you were unsure where to take this story, and I think I might have an idea for you to consider, and it all centres around this speech of Melissa's:

"Could a living body do that? I'm sorry little sister, but my life ended the night I picked up a gun and forced our family out of this house. I wish I could have had the chance to know you, but it's too late. It's too dangerous for you here. You have to leave."

She's tried to scare the family off before, basically by lying to them... what if she's still lying? What if she isn't dead, and her mystical abilities, which we know are very strong, mean that she can access a different plain of existence that the monster inhabits? Instead of trying to bring Rebbecca out of that world, the gang could venture into it. The place would be as big as your imagination could make it.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

278

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#2976405

Review of Desdemona

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I was drawn to this because I remember seeing the Women in Shakespeare contest. I have to say that while I am a fan of Shakespeare, Desdemona is not one of my favourite female characters. That fact alone made me want to read your poetic thoughts on this character

A good summation of trust and truth is included in the final stanzas.

What are my favourite parts?
I enjoyed the whole poem. Choosing comparative imagery of light vs dark to highlight Desdemona's personality traits against Othello's was a good poetic device, true to the play, and well expressed

What are my suggestions?
Stanzas three and four are questions and yet end with periods. I think if you are going to use punctuation you should employ a question mark for these.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2976400

Review of She that ever waits

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item" and is one of three that you have won in "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I love Sherri's Coloring the World contest, so had to start my reviews in this folder.

The title is a good one, and one that your poem reflects in different ways in each stanza. Your pace dictated each verse be read at with a different emphasis. Choosing to use simile for the middle stanzas was an effective device.

What are my favourite parts?
I won't reproduce it all here, but I thoroughly enjoyed the final stanza. I thought you managed to sum up this person's spirituality well here, and used some delightful poetic language full of melody

What are my suggestions?
I did feel as if you wanted to break into some sort of form in parts of this Free Verse poem: the second stanza's rhyme pattern is obvious, and only the third verse broke the five line pattern. This came across as slightly indecisive, distracting me from your content a little.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2971584

Review of The Beatles

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I had been avoiding this, because my jury has always been out on The Beatles; I guess I missed it. However, there is no doubting the impact they had on you. This is a well composed tribute to a band which obviously meant more to you than simply liking the music. I get a real feel of how important that connection was for you: as if the music spoke to your soul. That's great, because now, as a poet, you get to emulate that by speaking direct to other people's souls

In fact, after reading this living history piece, I have decided to use living memory as a future prompt in the History Contest. You capture the spirit, the time, the little details of the band and your place in history with them. Wonderfully written piece. Definitely my favourite of yours

What are my favourite parts?
While the other cultural reference of the time a good, my favourite aspect of this poem has to how intense an experience discovering this band was to the narrator as a child:

Screen fills and drum base verifies
Beatles - a new variety. The
girls scream and pull their heads
like migraines. Grimacing,

I scream too through my first
fit of pure love and though my
face and unflipped hair weren't
filmed, I was heavily

involved.

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2971579

Review of The Bus

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
There are many people who have an interest in this particular era, and I'm sure that this will be a popular piece of poetry. It really does pay to advertise it to your possible audience, so take the time to edit and change the item type from 'other' to 'poem'.

I enjoyed the intimate tone your narrative created in this poem. You slowed the pace right down in your structure of stanzas and in your language choices, and that worked well to take me into the narrator's words. Little clever repetitions and links with imagery made this poem fat with ideas. I enjoyed reading it more than once . . . and had to! There is something cyclical in this poem's nature

I liked the two uses of 'pan'. One reminded me of the cooking implement, coming as it did after the grilled cheese, and the other alluded to scamming, although scamming with a Dyionsian edge was a little weird because I had trouble seeing how it related to revelry and inhibition in the context it was used. But then you gave us all the excess we needed in this freedom and I started reading the poem in a different way; seeing this poem as a whole with interchangeable references. It made reading it, and getting into the narrative mindset, hard work. But then, who ever said tapping into the poet's soul was easy?

It was a pleasure to question this poem, my response to it, my search for meaning behind your words. I can honestly say that it proved to be a treasure trove of ideas. Good writing.

What are my favourite parts?
I got a hint of parts of the decade that were not missed -- the reference to Ken Kersey and Jerry Garcia -- they made the personalised parts stand out more:

I need a myth.
This chosen myth I
missed through discordant
pulsings

Further rests in
Kesey's yard.

What are my suggestions?
None - Write on!

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2971555

Review of Boxes

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Hello again, Brenda

This is the first of three poetry reviews.

I wanted to start here this time because it has been awarded, and the brief description grabbed my attention. The melody of your word choices is good, although a couple of them did distract me as to your intended meaning. (This may well be the reviewer's fault and not the author's

.) Good use of alliteration too.

What are my favourite parts?

The ocean
holds the untenable
tight.

This line left a huge impact with me, as extended metaphor seemed to be realised fully here. I also liked it's pivotal placing in the center of the poem; it made the other words dip and rise around it, adding to the fishing imagery in the structure. The tone is somber remembrance, but by tying in such a personal thing as a hobby, you manage to create a real sense of grief in your narrative voice.

What are my suggestions?
I'm not the best with foreign languages, but I didn't really get the allusion to a jewel box here:

sits in the coffret of my brother's shed

Perhaps I'm being too literal minded, but I thought I ought to mention it as it did confuse me.

mourn not detailed movement of different lures,
line of geometry, gestalt
of memory

As gestalt looks at the whole basically being more than the sum of the parts, I thought the word choice a little peculiar in this situation, especially when you add the brief description about the difficulty of retaining true rounded memory. I checked the dictionary and tried to reconcile it with the adjective rather than the noun and still felt as if it didn't quite ring true with the rest of the narrative. Of course, word choice is entirely up to you, so please feel free to ignore if you think my reaction purely subjective

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2970389

Review of Uncle Paul's Voice

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I was attracted to this item by the genre fields and brief description. Again, your word choices are well done. The subtle change in, when despite the guard, to spite the guard added a change of tone to the narrative voice. It was a good place to change the pace of thought, and this line engineered that well.

What are my favourite parts?
It has to be the power of the last three lines. I expect them, or some other such sentiment, but still they pack a poetic punch. Good writing

What are my suggestions?

Years string along the line sitting sentry
and hero hard
assured of relief to widen the rift

These are the only lines where I stumbled because they can be read so many ways in the absence of punctuation. As you have chosen to use some punctuation in this poem, you might want to consider doing so here, for purposes of clarity.

There is no need for an extra period outside of the end line's quotation marks (the internal one ends the line for you).

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2970385

Review of The Gull of Menemsha

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
In my own writing I tend to stick to form; I admire Free Verse, but have trouble writing it. You manage to use all the other tools available to the poet to make Free Verse really come alive. I don't know what I expected from this poem before I read, but was pleasantly surprised to find myself inside a moment, instead of reading a poem. I like the way you use imagery and metaphor to make this an action packed scene with very little narrative description. You engaged my sense with the use of sound, and the noise of your poem was reiterated by the final stanza.

What are my favourite parts?
Lovely alliteration and word choice. This poem was a real 'mouthful' of experience. I like a poem that lives in breath and this one was a pleasure to read aloud.

Word play, too, is one of this poems strengths. Words that could be homophones, but express different meaning that adds to the scene are used well. I particularly liked the seashore appropriate use of buoy

What are my suggestions?
There are two periods in the piece, but neither seem to do anything specific. I don't think you need them in this stream of consciousness write that uses breaks between stanzas to give the reader pause.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2970381

Review of Mother of Van Gogh

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
I got mixed feelings from this poem, Brenda. There is a certain air of melancholy about it, even though things like the sun and artistic genius are pretty positive. I thought the marrying of fame with familiarity worked well in the second stanza and made the whole poem intimate. A bit like Thomas Hardy, you manage to turn nature into a character in its own right; a full portrait too, not just some happy orb.

What are my favourite parts?
The sadness of the history behind Van Gogh's life seeps through this poem, and it adds to the burden of the mother; a fact brought home by that final line. This is a poem that can't be taken on face value; there are so many different undercurrents pulling the reader beneath its surface. I'm glad I read this one first, but the other poems have a lot to live up to

What are my suggestions?
Only to make the most of your genre field choices and use all three. You may get more readers.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2969809

Review of The Witch's Diary Part IV

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
I love that you are my buddy. There are plenty of reasons for this, but that title means that I stop meaning to get around to visiting your port and actually visit I love it here, and this serialisation has really caught hold of my imagination (I'm actually starting to worry about you not writing fast enough to feed me more

).

This chapter continues the pace and adds to the plot's development, but it also gives us more information on the gifts inherent in Rebecca's family, and clues to what might lay ahead. I think this could easily have become an 'information dump' but you handled it like a pro: the dialogue is fresh and natural, and the reader learns along side the protagonist.

What are my favourite parts?

Amanda and Jim only nodded as if they saw wraiths in old houses every day.

"You saw her?" Amanda asked, sounding envious.

"Yes. You look so much like her."

One word: goosebumps.
As much as I admire you structural care in telling this story, I'm completely in awe of the way that you let trickles of anxiety build up, like this one. I have to force myself to read slower because my pulse does start to quicken -- ace!

What are my suggestions?
When direct quoting inside dialogue, still use speech marks but use the alternative version to the ones the rest of your dialogue is in:

" ... Daddy thought it was a mark of the devil, so I tried to hide it from him, but he knew. 'No witch is going to live in my house,' he said ... "

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2967791

Review of Spiraling

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Thanks for entering Pond Poetry. You used both the form and the image well and I enjoyed the way that you took the picture to a different perspective of your narrator being trapped, rather than offered an escape route. My only suggestion would be to change the brief description to reflect the poem and not the contest requirements.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

288

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#2967760

Review of The Hallways of Life… a Shadorma

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Thanks for entering Pond Poetry

This poem fulfills the requirement of the Shadorma form and demonstrates a link with the picture prompt. Some people think that simplicity of meaning, means simplicity made. Not me. I think this simple poem is strong in its subject choice. It left an impact it has on me as a reader. There is such hope here, such promise ... and all through that door. Lovely poem, Robin, but I suggest you change your brief description to reflect the content of the poem and not the contest that you entered into

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

289

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#2967741

Review of Journey to the Giver

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Thanks for entering Pond Poetry

This poem fulfills the requirement of the Shadorma form and demonstrates a link with the picture prompt. Wow! I loved this poem. Life, from start to start, is a great brief description and you took this image to a place that I would not have automatically thought of. Language choice is good and your poem flows well. Be sure to thank the person who posted your link correctly for you.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

290

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#2967739

Review of Loneliness

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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AN ACME REVIEW

This review is part of an initiative to spread positivity through reviewing. While it may not be a technical edit, my thoughts here are honest, and I hope you find them helpful and encouraging.

Thanks for entering Pond Poetry

This poem fulfills the requirement of the Shadorma form and demonstrates a link with the picture prompt. To say that you are unsure of your poetry skills surprises me as I enjoyed this poem. I think the staccato tone of your narrator's indecision regarding their life came across well. It was as if they were skirting around life, rather than death skirting around them. I think we've all been in places where a quick fix looks like a blissful option, but I just didn't feel any authenticity in that last line, not when weighed against the desperation of the other lines. That desperation seems more like someone who wants to live, not to romaniticise death.

Thank you for sharing. Write on and take care!

291

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#2964996

Review of The Witch's Diary Part lll

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?
The dialogue at the start of this chapter took me straight back into the story, whilst advancing plot and developing the characters. The siblings relationship really shines through here; it marks a good comparison to the dysfunctional relationships of Rebecca's family.

I like the frustrations/challenges that seem to beset your protagonist. They're not far-fetched; they're based on human awkwardness and frailties. You really have a handle on the cliff-hanger ending. If I was reading this story from a physical book, I'd be turning the page now and reading for 'five more minutes'.

What are my favourite parts?
Wonderful descriptions leap off the page. They add such colour to your narrative and give hints to the disposition of your characters. This is ace:

The door opened and a tiny grey-haired woman peered at them through trifocal lenses. Her face had wrinkles on wrinkles and her back was bowed like a shepherd's crook. One gnarled hand rested heavily on a wooden cane and the other on the doorknob.

What are my suggestions?
Picky little point, but look to where you can state tense directly instead of having to write more words like was:

A tall, thin woman with graying blonde hair [was coming came] down the stairs. "Who are these people?" she barked.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2964931

Review of Coeur d'Alene Cowboy

Review by Acme

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

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It's great to be back in your portfolio, Shannon

Congratulations on being a Prize Catch in the Talent Pond

Ooh, romance

! I'm pants at writing it because I'm so darn cynical of my character's motives. So, it was rather a pleasure to have such a realistically cynical character as Sarah to relate to. You brought a smile to my face and I thoroughly enjoyed this story.

I love the way that you inject subtle and gentle humour into this item. The opening conversation between Elise and Sarah was a good example of this; it also drew me into the story and want to know more about the characters.

Ugh! Someone better be dying I thought as I made my way back downstairs.

As thinking is sort of speaking, and you'd pop a comma at the end of speech before a dialogue tag that said 'I said', I suggest popping one in after 'dying'.

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#2964924

Review of Skin Deep (A Letter To Mia)

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Another harrowing and honest assessment of illness. This poem works well because of it's simplicity of form, while discussing a complex subject. For the most part it flowed well, but there were a couple of places where I stumbled over the rhythm.

You said I didn't have a problem;
you made me think so, too.
You said you wouldn't hurt me,
apparently that wasn't true.

There are a few places where the rhythm seemed to falter. In the last line here is one example. I hate offering poetic suggestions, because this is your crafted work, not mine, but how about something along the lines of, 'apparently not true', or something similar?

I don't want you to give up,
even though you stole my life from me.

Has a smoother rhythm if you remove the word 'even'.

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#2964914

Review of Seeking A Valley

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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This is a thoughtful, and harrowing look at the narrator's progression through illness, and happily, that progression back to health, too.

I found this a moving and dramatic piece. Nothing was romantacised here, and I felt drawn into their despair, and renewed hope. There is a contest currently running in the Drama forum. This dramatic piece might make a good entry. Search for it under the forums link and see if you think it meets the requirements of the contest.

I'd run to the locker room to change before anyone could see my grotesquely bloated figure.

and:

capsules into my palm, and
with renewed will,

~ spacing typos

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#2964851

Review of The Witch's Diary Part II

Review by Acme

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

For information on reviewing, please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

What are my overall impressions?

Hi arakun

I couldn't wait to read part II... so I didn't! Whereas the first entry in this serial was E rated, I felt a chill go through me as I looked at the 18+ rating on this second part. This got me ready for the diary's secrets. BTW, your brief descriptions are good; this one certainly whet my appetite

The spooky tone was rekindled straight away by the dog's reaction to the Diary. It's well documented in a number of ghostly tales that animals have a sixth sense for the paranormal, so my heckles rose with the dog's.

You give us enough information to explain the history of the story well, and I love the way you then bring it back to modern day action with Melissa's thoughts asking the same questions I had. The ending was satisfying because you set the next chapter up well, and I wanted to read on. I look forward to coming back to this story soon

What are my favourite parts?
The goosebump moments in this story are very well expressed. I watched them rise on my arm in the glow of the computer screen, as I read about the diary opening itself and the pages rapidly moving.

I also liked the way that I was taught about this world of magic through reading the Diary along with Melissa; this is a great device, because Rebecca is sharing her knowledge as it comes to her, we are all united at the same point in the story. This intimacy is a good thing to cultivate, because it's one of the reasons a book becomes hard to put down; the author, characters, and reader, are all immersed in the plot.

What are my suggestions?
I did notice a lot of 'ly' words. While adverbs are helpful in getting a point across quickly, too many of them can deny the reader a chance to explore the detail of the scene/emotions being explores. Maybe you could edit this chapter, specifically looking for areas where they are used, and weigh up places where exploring the story in more detail might be more beneficial?

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2964302

Review of One of Them

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

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Prodigy!

This review includes my open and honest thoughts as a Prodigy Judge. While it may not be a technical edit, I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Thanks for entering the Prodigy contest

This tale follows the prompt well. You introduce the characters as believable; even taking time to flesh out satellite characters, such as the jock who takes too much food to start a food fight with. In fact, your characters are central to your writing; their dialogue jumps off the page. I think you have a natural talent for dialogue and might want to try your hand at another site contest:

FORUM

The Dialogue 500

(18+)
Dialogues of 500 words or less.
#941862 by W.D.Wilcox

There's something quite chilling about the idea of using youths in war; a fantasy horror fiction in your story, and a sad reality for the child soldiers of modern day conflicts elsewhere in the world. I thought that made your story all the more believable, as Danny shared his disbelief with such practices.

There are some places where you should re-edit:

shot spitballs at the nerds in Calculus; Nothing out of the ordinary.

No need to capitalise after a colon or a semicolon, as what follows belongs to the same sentence.

You sometimes allow us a glimpse into Danny's thoughts, and on these occasions you can use italics to show the reader the actual thought, eg:

“No sir.” Danny replied, forcing himself not to shout at him about his dwarfish stature or puffy red face. He retrieved his book and Mr. Wellman continued with his lecture as if nothing ever happened. Great start to 2009. It’s like I never left.

What was he thinking?! Everybody talking the same? That only happens in cheesy, poorly animated sci-fi flicks!

Don't use more than one punctuation mark to end a sentence, and do not use too many exclamation marks; it lessens their impact.

Sitting as a desk, focused on a piece of paper, was a short black woman with perfectly done up in a bun.

Edit for clarity; I have no idea what this sentence means.

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#2964227

Review of Winter Break

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (3.5)

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Prodigy!

This review includes my open and honest thoughts as a Prodigy Judge. While it may not be a technical edit, I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Thank you for entering the Prodigy contest

Your item used the back to school prompt well. You set an eerie tone as Risa walked to school, which only intensified as her school day and return home progressed. Spooky stuff!

WDC writers tend to put a double space return between paragraphs and diaolgue. This is a good practice to get into the habit of, as many readers scroll down the screen and such breaks allow them to keep their place.

“five more minutes” she uttered almost silently

You still need to use punctuation inside speech. Capitalise your first words and use a comma after the last word if the following tag goes on to describe how something was said.

Ask anyone who is older than thirteen and they’ll tell you that their favourite time of the year is when winter sets in, snow falls heavily from the sky and it’s finally time for winter break.

Unless they are old, and then they won't like it. It's best to be a bit general about things outside of the author's control. For example, if you wrote, "Ask any student and most will tell you..." that would seem more believable to a reader of any age.

go back to reading yesterdays sports results...
... micro-chip in her mothers wrist and her

apostrophe s needed in yesterday's and mother's to signify belonging.

There are a number of places where the punctuation needs editing. Here is one example:

She sat down at the back of the room like she usually did and waited for someone to turn up, she refused to believe that everyone was skipping class and it wasn’t possible that school didn’t start again until tomorrow, she’d made a point of ringing the school the previous evening and asking about the possibility of the school not re-opening until the Tuesday.

When you try to use a comma to join two independent clauses it is called a 'comma splice'. Commas do not have the strength to do that job on their own. You should use a comma followed by a conjunction (and, but, or etc), or use an enhanced comma (a semicolon = ;).

Run a spell check over this piece:

The sky outside got continuingly darker

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#2963425

Review of The New Rule

Review by Acme

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

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Prodigy!

This review includes my open and honest thoughts as a Prodigy Judge. While it may not be a technical edit, I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging.

For more information on reviewing please check out this informative, simple and easy to read link:

http://utminers.utep.edu/omwilliamson/two.htm

Thanks for entering the contest

You have used the prompt well, and do a good job of setting the scene and tone of this spooky write. Eliza's character was believable and the dialogue was authentic, but you should go over the item to check for missing speech punctuation. There are many examples of missing punctuation throughout, but here is one example:

“Shush Eliza!” Mr. Crow interrupted and looked out the window “or they’ll hear you”

“Who will?” Eliza wailed.

“The government”
“Shush, Eliza,” Mr. Crow interrupted and looked out the window. “or they’ll hear you!”

“Who will?” Eliza wailed.

“The government.”

She had been away in Italy with her parents for two weeks as a family holiday.

~ on a family holiday.

There weren’t even small groups of students basking in the warm sun like they usually do at this time of year.

~ did at this time of year.

In her first class she noted one thing. The teachers were still the same.

You should change the period after 'thing' for a colon

The scribbled, noted, scribbled, turned the page and scribbled some more.

~ they

Her next class, art was the same.

~ comma after 'art'.

Mrs. Junes wide eye glances

~ apostrophe needed in 'Mrs. June's'.

the government setup this new system.

~ set up.

“Whos in here?”

~ use an apostrophe in 'who's' to indicate a contraction of 'who is'.

She stop struggling and began to weep.

~ stopped.

y. When you get older and understand, your going to use it on your children for the same reasons.

~ 'you're' is the contracted version of 'you are'.

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#2951935

Review of Ghosts

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (2.0)

An Acme Review

This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions.

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#1360711 by Brrr...rooke

What are my overall impressions?
Hi, Meg

You requested a review in scroll and it is a pleasure to be able to review this sonnet. This playful poem builds the tension of possible horror, before the final rhyming couplet put my mind at ease and raised a smile.

What are my favourite parts?
I thought you did a good job of showing the narrator's building fear as each stanza progressed. The pay off at the end was well executed

What are my suggestions?
While this poem is a good sonnet (14 lines) the lack of fixed syllabic scheme might put off some readers. The meter (rhythm of the stresses in the lines) was a little faltering in places and you might want to re-consider some of your word choices to better enhance clarity of meaning for your readers.

I sit and i sense a shiver down my spine

Good use of alliteration in this line, but you should capitalise the use of 'I' to reference the self. There are a number of places where you use lower case and they should all be changed to higher case.

The a-b-a-b rhyme is good in the first and third stanza, but threw me when you changed it to an a-b-b-a scheme in the second.

The pain and the strain to this it led
And now there is more of this such pain

While repetition is a good poetic tool, you should be wary of places where it could indicate the need for a wider vocabulary. I suggest you think of another word that 'pain' in the first line here. The second line does not make sense. I suggest you reword for clarity.

I see a big shaddow so i hurried

Tense shifts can throw readers: see, is present tense; hurried, is past. Stick to one tense to avoid distracting your reader.

Run a spell check over the poem as there are errors.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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#2949720

Review of WE WERE REBELS

Review by Acme

Rated: E

| (4.5)

An Acme Review
This rate and review is offered in the spirit of assistance. Please feel free to ignore any, or all suggestions. This is your work, and I'm just happy to have had the chance to review it!

This is a review on behalf of "Invalid Item"

What are my overall impressions?
Thanks for your entry in the history contest. It's great to see two of my favourite subjects combined: Comedy & History. When I first looked at your piece I thought, Oh what a shame! It isn't narrative poetry, but it is rhyming poetic prose and I am happy to say, that is just as valid for this contest as stanzas made up of individual lines

You highlighted the particular ear well, in this civil war piece. Even though the humour is there, you have also served history well and not detracted from the very serious side of this conflict. Good writing.

What are my favourite parts?
You caught my funny bone in the first stanza. You do punchline set up and delivery well, and this piece has such a strong narrative voice, that I could almost hear the narrator's accent in my ear!

What are my suggestions?
References to the acts of the soldiers and drinking mean that this should be re-rated to 13+

While the author's notes are fun and good humoured, I've got to mention the overuse of exclamation marks: don't! The lone exclamation mark denotes the exclamation, any more only serve lessen the impact.

Thank you for sharing your work! Write on and take care

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