Welcome to WDC, D. Thomas Quinn  !  I hope you enjoy your time here!
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You have some interesting ideas here... some good imagery... some interesting word choice. It's a good start.
Hook
In my reviews, I like to focus a bit on the opening line(s) of a poem. Sometimes, people forget that a good hook is as important for a poem as it is for a story. It might be more important, in fact. Given the length of a poem, the intro (that hook) is a considerable percentage of the piece as a whole. It needs to be both functional and interesting to serve its purposes.
The meaning in the first few lines is a bit muddy but become clear by the third line. I'd consider reorganizing. Also, cut some of the unnecessary phrasing (both in the intro and throughout). "Night time or day? / The electric sunshine / confuses the populous". Some proper punctuation would be useful throughout as well. Here, it reads as a cop out for having to deal with your sentence structures (that often don't quite work).
The ending didn't really interest me much. It's somewhat forgettable, given the lack of interesting word choice.
Language / Word Choice
You may want to cut down on some of these unneeded prepositions. It's sort of a cheap way to continue a sentence structure. Of this, of that, to this, in there, of, of, of, to, to. It's a bit much.
"Of greed and embezzlement
Of young mothers desperate
To hang on to the life of late
To walk among the balustrade
Of buildings in the labyrinth"
of, of, to, on, to, of, to, in -- that is way too many little prepositions for five short lines. It becomes tedious sounding.
"Of greed and embezzlement
and young mothers desperately
clinging to the life of late
or walking beneath the balustrade
of the skyscraper labyrinth"
This is a bit more varied... it makes for a much more interesting read. Note the change from "among" to "beneath" in line 4 too... balustrade generally is higher (balconies, overpasses, etc). Walking among them sounds like walking in the air.
Anyway, the repetitions of the prepositions drastically decrease the power of your important words. It gets monotonous. Change it up a bit for better flow and a more engaging read. It will help a whole lot.
Effect
I'll leave you with that. It's enough to digest. I can see great promise in your writing, which isn't something I say to many people. You have a way with words... it's just a matter of polishing them so that the important words can shine (rather than the endless stream of "of" and "to" and "in" and "with" being the stars of the show).
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| (3.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
It was more prose poetry than story. I'll give you this: Yours reads a bit more like a story than mine did.
I have ummm... like 4-5 review sigs, since I'm in all of the review groups. And then like... 2 other sigs? Maybe?
