\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6
Review Requests: OFF
882 Public Reviews Given
2,600 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 2 3 4 5 -6- 7 8 9 10 11 ... Next
126
126
Rated: E | (5.0)
Your first item in the Christopher series was sweet but did not give me, as a reader, enough impulse to read on. Because you are from Zim (do you know Sarah Todd, aka zwisis) I decided to read on. I am glad I did.

Your brief narrative here left me teary eyed. Your words are accurate, sensitive and tell your story well. You have set the stage for a full adventure that I hope one day to read in a more formal form than a WDC item.

Write on! I will read on.
alfred
127
127
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this with thenRandom Read Tool. I haven't read anything from your port for quite a while.

Most of this poem speaks directly to me. I remain confused by the "mooncalf" line and strongly feel that this poem would benefit from being cut up into stanzas.

As you may remember, my own free verse style is sparse on punctuation and capital letters as is this poem. My earliest poems often tended to be huge blocks of words until I better learned through more experienced poets here at WDC that breaking up a poem's ideas into stanzas helps the reader follow the ideas, especially in lowly punctuated verse.

I won't make suggestions as to where I would place stanza cuts; you are a weathered poet and are capable of deciding yourself if my suggestion here might help the clarity of your text.

Write on!
alfred
128
128
Review of FIGURE IT OUT  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
I found this using the Random Read tool.

"It" is such an imprecise word. And you use it twenty-four times in a fourth-eight word poem.

There is nothing wrong with a poem constructed of elements that describe the "it" that the writer wants to convey. But without your poem's title, I would not have been able to guess at the element you describe. Love, after all, is such a personal emotion. Writers for centuries have been trying to define its essence.

Fortunately, the world is filled with diverging opinions and none of them represent a unique truth.

Write on. Taking risks is one way we learn.
alfred
129
129
Rated: E | (4.0)
I absolutely love the conversational tone of this poem and most especially the happy splash of the last stanza!

Write on, always,
alfred
130
130
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your visuals are strikingly clear for a measured, 10-line poem. The mirrored cinquain form is perfect.

I have only one suggestion and that is to eliminate the period from the end of each stanza. As you do not capitalize the beginnings of each one, the end-of-stanza space creates the same impression of closing.

Write on, always,
alfred
131
131
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! The Random Read Tool is pulling up some excellent gems today.

This is a great poem, Joy and its complexity is helped by your prefacing words. I did not know this particular history of an aborted assassination attempt on Lincoln. The personal link you write into this poem is lovely and there is a certain personal mystery in your final staza that I like a lot.

Write on, always!
alfred
132
132
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely in its simplicity. A modern tale filled with a beautiful message.

Write on, always!
alfred
133
133
Review of Winters Glow  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
There is quite a lot of potential for perfection in this sonnet. It is a diffucult form to master completely.

Technically, you have mastered the external form of the sonnet. The iambic pentameter and rhyme scheme are good. The line "Yes, winters white is followed by its ice" actually has six feet even within its ten syllables.  

Pirouette/yet and hangs/fangs are excellent creative rhymes. Yield/field is good also, but I have a reservation about the use of yield in the context of the entire stanza.

You have a problem with possessives needing an apostrophe. You have four repetitions of "winters" where you must write "winter's" and a fifth in the static item's title. You've one wont instead of won't. Wont (accustomed to) will be not caught by a spellchecker when you mean won't nor will winters in place of winter's. You absolutely must do a certain amount of proofing yourself. You write well, but will be taken less seriously if your text is not correctly presented.

Repetition in poetry is something I always try to avoid. For me, poetry is the art of using words to their best advantage, and that means choosing them for their sound as well as to create a variety of meanings with the use of synonyms.

Concretely, you use a form of dance three times in the opening stanza and once in the closing couplet. There are also three uses of ice, though through your unnecessary abbreviation of icicles, technically there are only two. And while this abbreviation is not needed, except maybe to find a creative way to avoid using another repetition of the article "the," I would keep 'cicles for its different sound because of the proximity of your ice/price rhyme.

Finally, I count six uses of the word winter, five in the text with a noticed absence in the second stanza, and one in the title. Eliminating repetitions of a particular word in a closed form such as a sonnet is difficult: one must retain the rhythm of the original word or paraphrase around it to retain the meter. WINter might become SEAson or COLD month. FRIgid will work too. Have you ever used WDC's ideanary function? "While some cannot escape from winter's fangs" might easily become "While some cannot escape these frigid fangs." And changing "Yes, winters white is followed by its ice" into "Our season's white is followed by its ice" thus reduces the use of winter's to a single occurance in this stanza.

In the line "... Some cannot escape..." I wonder who you refer to using the word "some."

In the first stanza, queued -- as in standing in line?  -- seems wrong. The direct subject for this verb is winds, not the snowflakes of the original line. Thus the word, even highly original in its choice, seems inappropriately employed here.  

In the second -- and most original -- stanza, I have the impression that "yield" was chosen on purpose for the rhyme. The idea of waiting is acceptable in this context, but your following line contradicts this idea: in spite of the inclement weather, we go outdoors.

Earlier I mentioned your sonnet's external attributes. Now I arrive at my criticism that you lack the traditional Volta which should occur in the beginning of the third stanza. The Volta is the "on the other hand" part of a sonnet, and, I fully agree, difficult to manage because we poets rend to forget that at a very specific moment a sonnet should make a commentary of some sort on the situation it is describing. Your line "We understand that beauty has a price" does this exactly, only it arrives too late in the poem.

Consider the strong Volta created by the following:
          We understand that beauty has its price
          For some cannot escape these frigid fangs
          The winter's white is followed by its ice
          Like chilly glistening teeth, icicles hang

And lastly, if you were to accept this "correction" the last stanza would read better thus, for it avoids the second metaphor introduced by "like."
         As snow does fall we dance to winter's song,
          A song we hope won't last for very long.

Opening and closing the poem with "dance" is a great poetic device, but only if you are able to avoid the dance repetitions in the first stanza. There are ways... I won't do all the work for you!

These ideas are my own, but I hope that because I have been able to justify my criticism, it will not fall upon deaf ears.

It was a pleasure reading a poet who undersands iambic pentameter.
WRITE ON!
alfred
134
134
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Congratulations on being featured in NorthernWrites' most recent poetry newsletter.

I've nothing to say about this poem except that it is excellent. I love the imagery, the tenderness between mother and child and the very discreet reminder why eggshells are needed.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
135
135
Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Found this featured by the WDC link on FaceBook. You've done an excellent job. The pace is fast, the text believable. You'e taken Big Brother exactly where it will go left untended, and not even used that phrase

My only critic would be that you wrap up the book much too quickly with too much information in Chapter 7.

An excellent read.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
136
136
for entry "Wrinkles" Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Here's another number to add to your statistics.

The one thing I've always enjoyed in your poetry is it's freshness and sponteneity. This collection is no exception to that, Joy.

alfred
137
137
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent. It takes a lot of talent to maintain the story line throughout a 22-stanza poem. This is something I have never been capable of accomplishing.

Linguistically, Gein, like Stein, comes from the German and should normally be pronounced INE, so I'm left wanting with your in/INE rhymes. I admit not knowing the traditional pronunciation of this man's name. Also Anglo Saxons are great for trying to change the pronunciation so as not to be recognized as part of one or another ethnic group, but in that case I would have changed the spelling of my name. I grew up swearing to everyone on earth the John Wilkes Boothe spelled his name with a final E to thwart the nasty comments associated with supposedly being the descendant of the Lincoln's assassin. And I admit, I've studied too many foreign languages and cringe when words are improperly pronounced.

Poetically, since you've penned a wonderful aab ccb form, I would have paid more attention to the harmony of line lengths. There is one important error in your use of the word "crèche." It is a word from the French originally only meaning a reproduction of the Nativity Scene and by extension today a word used to describe a day nursery. I know of no other meanings in English. There are no more usages in French. That your poem's scene takes place in the graveyard is not enough for me personally to be able to work in the word "crèche" which has nothing to do with death, even with the adjective unholy preceding it.

Always a pleasure to read your writing,
alfred
138
138
Rated: E | (3.5)
Found this in today's Short Story Newsletter. It was a smooth read and I enjoyed your jump into the future.

At the end, from "What? Was she THAT ‘Cathy’? You mean your grandmother, the woman I married the next year?" I believe that you really need to set up earlier in the story that you're telling it to a particular person. Maybe by including a bit of dialogue betwenn the two of you so the reader fully undersands the setting of why this story is being told. It's not merely a memoire for the public as it reads until this moment.

Keep writing,
alfred
139
139
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I'm playing around with the Random Read Tool this morning.

I was surprised to find free verse here. I love the idea of this poem. Many lines are great with their brevity, others could be improved with a more percussive word.

"Careers had." Had is a passive word. "Came and went." "Happened." Something more expressive is needed.

"Cancer for her
Death for her."
I've never been fond of immediate repetition in poetry. I would suggest you eliminate somehow the second "for her." "Death followed." "Death had its way."

"Months pass". "Weeks pass". Pass is yet another one of this insidious words that we use when being lazy. Change the first, because in its context doing so would be easier. "Months became seasons."

"Dating starts." Starts is weak. "Dating ignites new sparks."

I hope my suggestions point you in a new direction for editing this poem.

It's always a pleasure to read your writing.
alfred
140
140
Review of Failure  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found your poem in today's Spiritual Newsletter.

For me, the lines read like an outline of a larger work, written in a poetic style. The most stunning is "All things change, a stuttering, faltering descent into stillness" reads like true poetry. I want more of this kind of prose in your poem. But on a philosophical note, I would have to disagree with you. If you write "many things change" you leave room for the good things that can happen through change. Or even "all things change, NOW a stuttering, faltering descent into stillness" would pave the way to hope. Especially in a poem called "Failure" where it might be interesting to leave a glimmer of hope for the reader.

I personally find it hard to relate with the abstraction of your words. Ambition, goals, reflection. Ambition is clear with something like "I was on the road to fame and fortune." Goals might equal "courting publishing houses with samples of film ideas." Reflection is already fairly well summed up by the ending couplet.

You use many gerunds, which to me are outline words. I agree, because I cross them out of my own poetry daily, that they are hard to avoid when a poet does not know how to, or does not want to, become specific in his writing.

To offer a few concrete examples, one could look more closely the first line. What would happen if you put it in the first person, writing "In the beginning, I had ambition and its forward movement from a plan." Writing in the first person does not immediately mean that the reader will assume you're speaking from experience. If you aren't comfortable with this, placing it in the third person will personalize your words just as well: In the beginning, she had ambition..."

Then the line "Illness falls" has some particular meaning because I can relate it to a story that you are telling me, and not wonder "where did that come from?" And it is not at all clear to me how illness can fall. "Illness topples over life." This would be OK since your poem is titled "Failure." It is clear. "Illness falls" reads too much like an outline title of what you might continue to explain to the reader. "Illness falls into my life like a comet causing an earthquake; I was unready, unwilling to share my plan with its arrival." Now, of course, these are my words, but they fill out the questions readers may ask about your two words "illness falls."

I would suggest turning this into a larger, less general piece, and removing the outline format.

Keep up the creative writing,
alfred
141
141
Review of Crystal Rain  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations for your win in Joy's contest.

This is a lovely poem. The story is subtly expressed without undue emotion.

I don't follow, however, the second line "Blind sails forth to the precipice." Thus the 4.5 rating. I continue to ask myself "blind what sails forth?" And find no clues in the stanza.

Keep up the creative writing.
alfred
142
142
Review of The Long Way Back  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found this excellent free verse using the Random Read Tool.
I would recommend it to everyone who has the opportunity of reading this review and the time to click on the link.

I do not normally read poetry aloud the first time around. I did with this. I found myself living the poem as I discovered it. A rare occurrence for me.

It doesn't always flow easily on the tongue, the most notable example is:
as a proud a man
as any I ever knew,

One A too many. It read more easily the second time.

I love poetry that rants well. This is excellent. Yes, the second time I've used that qualifier.
You write as if you've lived out this situation. It is real. Is is sincere. It is angry. AND the reader follows you everywhere you take him and agrees thoroughly with your monologue. Your logical unfolding of this event is well thought out, well presented and has absolutely no holes in the time line.

Your use of language is almost perfect. Only the opening "the unspeakable oppressions / repressions" seems too cute and is in discord with the rest of the poem. The rest resounds with the exact tone it needs.

Thank you for sharing your talent through this poem. I can't understand why it has not yet been rated, posted first in January of this year.

Keep up the excellent work. Yes, the third time for this qualifier.
alfred
143
143
Review of Wonder  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this in today's Author's Newsletter. Congratulations for being selected.

You've done an excellent job with the prompt, writing a mono-rhyme acrostic poem. The form is absolutely perfect and your chosen rhymes are interesting. You use words well and their richness adds to the overall impression of your poem. Only one line needs a bit more filling out: "Enchanted flowers, butterflies." "Attracting butterflies, food for butterflies..." Something else to join the two ideas in this line.

Keep up the creative writing,
alfred
144
144
Review of Growing apart  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found this in today's Poetry Newsletter. Congratulations for being one of this week's chosen poets.

I like many parts of this poem. The image "hurts like a dart" is very original and refreshing. Remorse in love poems in a favorite subject of mine.

The mono-rhyme form is a tough one to use, and you do so perfectly. Your "thin" and "dart" rhymes are very original; it's too bad you took the "easy way out" and repeated one of the rhymes. If repeating the E-rhyme could not have been avoided, it would have been better to use four new words ending in EE, thus showing the advised reader that you are capable of even more creativity selecting your rhyme words. And in that second E stanza, you use "you" properly and then switch to "thee" when you need the proper rhyme. I don't like to use the work lazy with a writer I do not know, but many times we simply cannot write what comes first from our thoughts: the poem's structure needs another solution and we have to find it ourselves.

It is always a good idea to write as you speak: I know of no one who will say "For no reason have i from thee" when they really mean "I have no reason from you."

I personally never fear using a rhyme dictionary. I do not own a paper version, on line rhyme dictionaries are very useful. Thus you might want to try and rephrase that second E stanza with "I wonder if the fault was mine/// Something unsightly that didn't shine..." I'll let you see if can't rephrase the last two lines using the INE rhyme. I think it can be done, but you might have to sacrifice words already penned, and slightly rearrange ideas in your head.

In the fifth stanza, I would not mix conjugations between the future and the conditional tenses. The future tense will work very well for the entire stanza.

The ideas I express here in this review reflect my honest opinions of the weaknesses of this poem as it currently reads. I am always available to re-read and re-rate a poem if the author understands and accepts my criticism, finding sense enough in my opinions to undergo a re-write of their work.

Keep the creativity flowing,
alfred
145
145
Review of Northwoods Summer  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely, airy, almost a monologue of Puck from Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."

It is always a pleasure to read your poetry.
Congratulations on being selected in NorthernWrites' latest Poetry Newsletter.

alfred
146
146
Rated: E | (4.0)
The words of your text are lovely. You've done a good job of imitating Whitman's style. There could be a bit more unity in the line lengths, however.

In my humble opinion, the ML coloring adds nothing to the beauty of this poem. A good text needs no artifice to entice the reader.

Keep up the creative work,
alfred
147
147
Review of Facing His Fears  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Almost perfect. Technically it is a perfect acrostic, although it's a shame you took the easy way out with Shameful // And // Wondering. You have an excellent vocabulary and a rich style, so why the quick word here?

The rest of the poem well depicts the subject of your acrostic. I particularly like "Oracles of time // Whisper // Nothing to him." That's really incredibly strong.

I'm glad the Random Read Tool landed me in your port today.

Keep the creativity flowing,
alfred
148
148
Review of A Meaningly Sound  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The first stanza is excellent. Gave me the impetus to read to the end in this poem that happened upon my screen using the Random Read Tool.

The information in this poem is lovely, tender and nostalgic.

The idea of re-using a pair of lines is a good poetic device, but in my humble opinion, the repetition is not placed in the proper position within the poem. Although the best solution would be to rewrite the last two stanzas, opening the final one with "It happened slowly // like the lethargic circles..." would book-end the poem with the same lines and create a harmony for it that is not yet apparent in your text. There would be an added advantage in this because the image in "scavenging gulls" is a violent one and would better match the "your storm as already caught me" that closes the poem. The "I had a dream stanza" has only this one strong image which you do not successfully tie into the rest of the words.

Keep up the creativity,
alfred
149
149
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this. The Random Read Tool has turned up some interesting items today.

The "each cookie has magic" stanza is breathtaking. And unfortunately overshadows the rest of the poem which in comparison seems more ordinary. And although I liked the beginning of the poem, this unbalance seems untimely. It's almost like this exquisite stanza is part of another poem and a strange computer happening placed it in the middle of this one.

Up until then I read a poem about a woman trying to do what's expected of her, and your refrain stanza only reinforces this idea. I don't get that feeling at all in this wonderfully image-packed fifth stanza.

I love the opening of the poem also. But should you not have written "A simple woman with A one-syllable name"? The line "a posh corner on the cul-de-sac of life" is a phrase I may just have to flarff one day.

It's always a pleasure to happen upon one of your treasure chest poems.

Keep up the creativity,
alfred
150
150
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm playing with the Random Read Feature today. Thus I discovered this very personal poem.

I like the imagery, although the combination of image and abstract words might be tamed a bit further to include more images. I particularly like the strong image in the first stanza: "your presence, stars, splayed light upon a sculpture / shaped by hands and molded tenderly from birth to kiln." This is truly striking. I like the layout of the poem, the five-line stanzas each followed by a couplet.

But this first couplet could be trimmed a bit:
         "I become attuned to stunning truths, rare and raw within,
         mammal and inherent inside my very center."
Within, inherent inside and very center are redundant. I would eliminate completely "within" and use instead "mammal and inherent at my very core." Core being more poetic than center. The two adjectives mammal and inherent could be better expressed. They are rather vague. Of course that alters your line lengths which may be important to you in this particular poem. But that would also give you the opportunity to expand on the content of these lines.

Only one line reads crookedly: "for sudden on the air your scent is evening inescapable." It seems that "evening" is not at its proper place and I would turn "sudden" into an adverb. "for suddenly on the even air your scent is inescapable."

Keep up the creative writing
alfred
293 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 12 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/troubadour/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/6