A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday...
Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that.
Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to.
I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close.
I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway.
Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me.
As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America.
I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids.
I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers.
So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea.
So here it is. My blog, Depressed.
|And so the political ranting continues. Yesterday there as a Women's March on Washington. Protesting??? I am not real sure seeing as how women have not been overtly repressed in this country for a good 30 or 40 years. At least not in my opinion. I might be wrong. Again another excuse for mainstream media to broadcast mainstream celebrity for mainstream liberals.
I am sorry what were we protesting? Wasn't this a women's march yet women who were pro-life were not invited or permitted? Are we protesting The Donald as our new president? Is it the equal pay for equal work thing? Because I work at a place that starts you out at the same rate of pay as a man so I just don't get that particular issue. Is it just because everyone else is protesting and we felt left out?
I don't know. I do know I was mildly entertained by Ashley Judd's admission that she was a nasty woman. "And no my first name ain't baby. It's Ashley Miss judd if ya nasty!" And her alluding to Scarlett Johansson's not making as much money per picture as her male counterparts took me for a loop. I mean c'mon! You still made bank what's your bitch?
I just don't get it. As I stated yesterday morning, will Hollywood please shut up?!
|Okay I will admit that when it comes to politics I am probably more of a fence sitter than anything else. I have opinions about things but I don't try to ram them down people's throats, and I don't belittle people who do not think and feel as I do. It is called being an adult. That being said the state of anarchy that has arisen in this country since the elections in November has become ridiculous. I don't like Trump either, but I do not feel the need to take to the streets and riot in the name of protest to get my point across. It is a done deal. He is the president, quit your damn whining and unlawful behavior and get back to your lives.
I saw a video on Facebook of a little kid who started a fire and he did it with the approval of his parents because and I quote, "Fuck the president! That's why!" I am sure mom and dad are so proud of the little hoodlum they are raising. This is the party that is open minded and tolerant? I don't think so. This is a mockery of a party that used to stand for the betterment of America, and now it is reduced to a a group of whiny ass cry babies who are throwing a massive fit because their candidate did not win.
No I am not a Trump supporter. No I did not vote for Trump, but here is a newsflash I did not vote for Hillary either. My candidate not only did not get elected, but a majority of Americans did not know he was on the ballot. Instead everyone was fed the false assumption that we only had 2 candidates to choose from in this election when indeed we had 26 according to International Business Times. So while a majority of America felt like they were choosing between the lesser of two evils we really did have a much broader selection that was not being represented.
So you don't like Trump, get over it. He is the president. He is our president and he is not going anywhere. Put your Molotov cocktails and your BIG FUCKING MOUTHS away and get on with it. If I offended anybody I don't care this is my blog and my opinions are not open for debate. The craziness has to stop. You want to protest? Fine but learn the difference between peaceful assembly, which is legal, and inciting a riot, which is not. If you are too stupid to know the difference I suggest you do some research on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and see what a peaceful demonstration is all about.
And one more thing. Would Hollywood please shut up? I really don't care if a bunch of overpaid, over rated, spoiled celebrities have political views or not. Are we actually going to take our cues and follow a bunch of people who get paid for playing pretend all day? These celebrities are here for our entertainment, no one wants to hear or see you taking a political stance. Just because you play a politician on TV or a movie does not mean you are one, or are informed for that matter. Let us think for ourselves.
In conclusion I just want it to be known that I have spoken my peace. America! Love it or leave it! Oh that's right. No other country wants your dumb asses!
|It is that magical time of year when this multi-billion dollar company of whom I am employed, opens up its purse strings and allows overtime for its faithful employees. Now don't get me wrong, working 12 hour shifts over night is not a dream job by any stretch of the imagination, and no, I do not like living in a tape factory. However time and a half (double time on Sundays) is very appealing especially this close after Christmas. Truth be told I work a lot of OT during the year. You get used to the extra money on your check, and yes you do miss it when the it stops, which is right before the holidays.
So yeah maybe I am insane, and maybe I should not spend so much time at work, but aside from the money which is nice, it keeps my mind off other things. Things that keep me depressed and down all the time. So I embrace the ot, and I will once again grow accustomed to the extra green in my bank account every other week. I will splurge on a steak dinner once in a while, and yes I will get my bills caught up once again. Christmas is for kids, overtime is for adults. You have to be this responsible to get on this ride. That is me if nothing else, responsible.
So here is too the first step in getting things back to normal after the holidays. Cheers to you beloved overtime, until I burn out that is...
|I believe the last entry I made was of fresh fallen snow and my granddaughter making a snow angel. Well that was a week ago and after making it through a freezing weekend with frozen pipes we have warmed up and yes, I even put the air on a little today because it was 80 degrees in my house! I cannot get over the MPD of this winter, is it going to be cold and frigid or warm and rainy? Do I need a parka or a jacket? Last week there was ice on the roads. Today it was warm and rainy.
My pipes froze Saturday. My poor son-in-law spent all day under the house with space heaters thawing them out. Today you could conceivably wear shorts outside. Yesterday we ran the heater, today the air conditioning. This season cannot decide whether the weather wants to be winter or summer, but hey it isn't night time yet. Perhaps we will dive back down to the arctic temps overnight. Anything is possible at this point.
|It snowed all day yesterday. I slept really well. I keep my bedroom window cracked for fresh air, this helps me sleep when the weather is cool or down-right freezing which is today. I am not complaining about having a night job, as frustrating as my job is I am grateful to make enough money to support myself and help my family no matter how modest it may be. Yesterday while I lay in tranquil slumbers my daughter and granddaughter ventured outside to play a bit in the first snow of the season. Thankfully my daughter recorded their endeavor and captured my granddaughter making a perfect snow angel. I know kids do that sort of thing, hell I did. There is nothing extraordinary about a snow angel, until you see someone you love with all your heart enjoying this particular opportunity to be a child. I am glad my daughter captured that pure uninhibited moment of blissful freedom in my granddaughter's life. We should all be so free and happy. Oh to be a child again and play in the fresh snow...
|The fourth day of the year! What am I doing? Laundry yippee! Not a whole lot going on except the rain, which made sleeping this afternoon pretty nice. Yes I sleep most of the day even when I am off. I work a 12 hour night shift but have had the last 7 days off. I actually have to go back tonight and so ends my little vacation. I am proud of myself for finally getting my laundry washed and dried. Just need to put it away which means it will probably stay in the basket for a while.
I had to go out earlier today or should I say yesterday evening when I woke up. It was rainy rainy rainy. But we needed groceries and I needed gas so Out I went. It has been quite wet the past few days, and I have been hibernating so when I actually did venture into the great outdoors my car was not very happy to be running. It seems that whenever it is really wet outside, be it rain or snow the car does not want to run well. Had to drive into town with blinkers on because I was afraid it might conk out on me. Luckily I got our groceries and gas and made it home without any hiccups.
Tonight I will return to work. Yuck! Who out there really likes their job? Maybe 1% of us? The rest of us just kind of drag along for a paycheck and benefits. Can't stand my job, but can't stand abject poverty even more. The good news is that I will be getting a raise in January. The bad news is I have about 18 more years of this shit before I can retire. Really wish i had started a retirement plan long before the age of 45.
I am looking forward to February because then I will own my 12 year old car! Looking forward to and extra $300 a month. If I get enough back from taxes I am going to pay off a loan that would have been paid off a year ago if I hadn't refinanced last year. What can I say I needed the money. I always need money. The problem is I get used to overtime then they cut it out for a few months and I realize that I really do not bring that much home.
Glad to see four days into the new year and my life is just filled with all kinds of excitement!
Here we are the second day of 2017. It is 4:17 am and as usual I have been up all night. I didn't get out of bed yesterday because of the dreaded hangover. I mixed too many drinks on New Years Eve as a result I did not get out of bed until 6 pm last night. So here I am in the middle of my day. This is not totally unusual. I work nights at a factory, 12 hour shifts. Even without the help of the libations from the night before I still wouldn't have been up before at least 4 in the afternoon.
New Years Eve I was just kind of chilling. I had a house guest for Christmas, my nephew Jason. He called begging me to come get him. To say he and his wife have been having problems is an understatement. She left him early last year. Said she didn't want him or the kids, they have four. Then his house guests stole his car, he lets her back in because she has nowhere to go blah blah blah. The long and short of it was he felt the need to kill her so I came and got him. The really bad part was I couldn't bring his kids. I have nowhere to put them. The really really bad thing was almost immediately after I got him he wanted to go home. I couldn't do it till after Christmas, seeing as how this whole visit was financed by yours truly. Anyway I took him back home Friday and got home Saturday morning. I was drained after this little trek.
I really wasn't going to drink at all Saturday but my two nieces came over to spend New Years with me. We wound up drinking a fifth of Fireball, several beers and I myself had at least four Sex on the Beach shooters. Why did I do it? I was comatose all day yesterday and the few times I did venture out of bed for the inevitable potty break my head was spinning and I felt the need to vomit. It never happened. Sick sick sick...
It was a very emotional night. My oldest niece has cervical cancer and they found an abnormal growth in her uterus, She has to have a complete hysterectomy later this month. This was made all the more emotional because this is what her mother died from. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer seven years ago. She fought it all year and died on Christmas Eve 2009. As you can imagine Christmas is a hard holiday for us, this year being particularly hard because of Margie's (oldest niece) cancer. We all cried, argued, and vented to God. We are all scared.
Margie has always been so strong. This has been a very hard year for her. Earlier this year she left her husband. They have 2 kids one is grown with children of their own the other one is a 10 year old boy. Margie not wanting to make her son choose between her and his father let her son live with his dad. She wants him to be happy, but at the same time she is so torn because he is not with her all the time. She tried going back but she does not love her ex anymore, and she felt trapped. She has a lot of guilt about leaving but more guilt about living a lie if she goes back. My heart breaks for her.
Oh well, all that was last year. So far this year no new drama. Right now I am watching stupid movies on Netflix waiting for this day to begin. Yeah I know I have been up all night, but I probably will not get to sleep before tonight.