Family Pictures

This took 3rd place in the July Short Shots Official Contest.
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As I sifted through the rubble and ash that used to constitute our house, I found a couple of  photographs that managed to survive the all consuming flames. Among the debris that was once our living room, I saw two rectangles of sooty white curled up near a corner. I knew that they were pictures. I rushed over hoping that they were of Randi or our son, but instead, I turned them over and they were some stupid photos of bears. The only photos left from a fire that took my home and took my wife, were of bears. I stared at them, and tears welled up in my eyes. A cross between a sob and scream tore through my body and my mother came rushing to my side.

“Oh honey! What is it?”

I couldn’t speak. I just sank to the ground and my whole body shook. My Mother crouched down behind me and enveloped me with her arms. I fell back into them, and she rocked me like I was a small child.

“Sweetie. Oh God! I am so sorry. I wish I could do something more for you than just offer platitudes.” Her voice started to crack; I knew she was doing her best to keep it together for me. She saw the pictures in my hands. “What are those?”

It took a minute, but I finally managed to find my voice, “These…these are the only pictures left, as far as I can tell. And do you know what they’re of Mom?” I turned and looked at her.

“No. What?”

“Well, they are not of Ricky. And they are certainly not pictures of Randi. They’re not even pictures of our family pets.” I drew in a shuddering breath. “They are fucking pictures of bears!” I raged. “The only damned pictures that make it are freaking pictures of bears that I don’t even know when or where they were taken.”

I started to tear the photos, but my Mom snatched them from my hands. “No Rafe! Don’t do that!” I stared at her puzzled. “I know that these are not photos of Ricky or Randi, but these are photos that you took for a reason and I really don’t think you should destroy them. Especially in the state of mind you’re in right now.”

“I don’t want the stupid pictures!”

“I know you don’t, baby. Not now. But later you will. Later you will want everything. I promise.”

“Mom, the only thing I want is Randi! But she’s gone! Forever.”

As sobs wracked my body, my Mother stroked my back and murmured softly, “I know sweetie, I know.” 

***

“Daddy?”

“Yeah, Rick?” I looked down at my five-year-old son lying against my chest while I read him his bed time story.

“Do you really think Mommy is looking down on us from heaven?”

It had been over two months since the fire, but an instant lump came to my throat. I nodded and managed to croak out, “Yeah, I do Ricky.”

“Do you think she can hear us when we talk?” he asked with a small tremor in his voice.

“Yeah, son. Why?”

“Because I told her I was mad at her for dying. I told her she was a bad Mommy for leaving me.” Tears ran down his face. “I didn’t really mean it though. She wasn’t a bad Mommy and I love her and I miss her. I don’t want her to be mad at me!” He turned his body so that his face was pressed against my chest. His body heaved with his cries.

I had to struggle to contain my own emotions. “Rick, it’s ok. She knows that you didn’t mean it and that you still love her with all your heart. And it’s ok if you’re mad at her, Buddy. She understands. I get mad at her too.”

He looked up at me with tear-stained cheeks, “You do?”

“Yeah, Buddy, I do. I get mad at her because she’s not here for you or for me. I get mad at her because she decided to stay home, instead of going to the store with us. I even get mad at her because she didn’t know about the gas leak.  But I know I’m not really mad at her. I’m mad that she’s gone, and we needed her. We loved her and it hurts a lot, huh Buddy?”

Ricky nodded his head and reached up and brushed away my tears. “I didn’t mean to make you cry Daddy.”

“Oh, Ricky you didn’t make me cry. I just get really sad about Mommy too.”

“Do you really think she can hear us Daddy?”

“Yeah.”

“Mommy…I love you and I’m not mad at you. It’s just like Daddy says, I miss you a lot and it hurts.”

I hugged him even tighter to my chest, but I was too choked up to say anything. He moved so that he could wrap his arms around me. We stayed like that for a while. Eventually the rhythm of his breathing became slow and even. I felt little twitches and knew that he had fallen asleep. I didn’t try to get up right away, because I needed the feel of his little body snuggled up to mine. I needed to stare down at the tousled head of hair that was so like Randi’s. I needed to breathe in his scent and remember the joy that we felt when the doctor placed him in my arms and then I gave him to Randi.

“Oh God, Randi.”

Silent tears slid down my face and mingled into his hair. I knew that I should get up and put the dishes away, but I couldn’t make myself leave. I closed my eyes and pictured her. I saw her chestnut brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, with a tendril escaping and framing her face. Her green eyes flashed with laughter, and her smile showed off her dimples. Her tan skin, kissed by the sun, was so soft and warm. Her voice was calling me.

“Rafe.”

I smiled at her.

“Rafe McLeary, what are you smiling at?”

“I’m smiling at you, Randi McLeary.” She was sitting on a swing hanging from a tall tree. I walked over to her so that I could see her better.

“Well, you need to pay attention to me.”

“I am paying attention to you. I can’t keep my eyes off of you. I miss you Randi. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

“It’s only been a few months though. I’m sorry I had to leave.”

“Why did you leave Randi? We need you.”

She stroked my face and her touch caused a warm sensation to flood my entire body. “I didn’t have a choice Rafe. It was my time.”

“Can’t you come back to us?” I pulled her off the swing and close to me. I inhaled her cherry almond fragrance, and it melted all of the sadness that I had felt earlier, as a peaceful contentment surrounded me.

“Oh, Rafe, you know it doesn’t work like that.”

“Why not?”

“It just doesn’t, my love. But I’ve got to tell you something.”

“Please, don’t go Randi. Please, don’t leave me again.”

“I can’t stay Rafe. I know you don’t understand. Someday we will be together again, but not yet.”

I buried my face into her neck and wrapped my arms around her. She ran her fingers through my hair like she used to do.

Suddenly a shrill sound invaded our space.

“I’ve got to go Goldilocks. Get a little R&R.”

“Wait! Don’t go Randi!” She blew a kiss to me as the sound kept drilling into my head. I awoke with a start and realized that the phone was ringing. I fumbled for the receiver hoping that it wouldn’t wake Ricky.

“H-H-Hello,” I mumbled.

“Rafe? I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

“No Mom, it’s OK. I’ve got to get up anyway,” I said in hushed tones. “Hold on, let me go in the other room.” I tip-toed out into the living room. “OK, what’s up?”

“I was calling to see if you had heard anything from the insurance company. Weren’t they going to make a decision about the house today?”

“Actually, I was gonna call after Ricky went to sleep, but I dozed off too. Yeah, they called and everything’s been approved. They even approved that we can stay in the apartment here until the rebuild is done.”

“Oh Rafe, that’s wonderful. It sure seems like they dragged their feet for a while. Now maybe you can relax a little bit.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“Rafe?”

“Huh?”

“Are you OK?”

“I just remembered a dream I had right before you called. Randi was in it.”

“Oh sweetie. I’m sorry I woke you.”

“It’s OK. You said something that reminded me of it.”

“I did?”

“Yeah. In the dream Randi told me to get a little R&R. Huh!” I chuckled. “She called me Goldilocks. She hadn’t called me that in a long time. I think the last time she called me that was when we went camping, right when Ricky was learning to walk. We saw this family of bears. There were three of them and she said I could play Goldilocks. I remember we…oh my God, Mom! The pictures of the bears. Where are they?”


“The what?”

“The pictures, Mom. The ones I found after the fire. The bears, the bears…you know what I’m talking about. You took them, and you wouldn’t let me tear them up. Where are they?” The words rushed out of my mouth tumbling on top of each other.

“Oh those! Yes, I have them Rafe. I put them away for safe keeping.”

“I’ve got to have them. I’ll be right over Mom.”

“Rafe! What about Ricky?”

“Oh, shit!”

“Well, I can tell it’s important to you honey, so why don’t I drive them over?”

“But Mom it’s late.”

“It’s alright Rafe. I’ll be over there in about 30 minutes. OK?”

“You probably think I’m crazy, Mom.”

“Not at all. Alright, I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Thanks Mom.”

I hung up the phone and remembered the dream. It was so real. I could still feel the touch of her hand on my cheek. I breathed in deeply and swore I could smell her perfume. Closing my eyes, I saw her blowing me a kiss and felt it land on my lips. I must have been in a daze, because the next thing I knew, my mother was knocking on the door.

“That was fast,” I said as I opened the door.

“It seemed like it was awfully important to you, so I got here as quick as I could.” She held out the pictures and I took them from her.

I stared at the first one with the three bears- all in a row from largest to smallest. The second picture had the baby bear standing up next to the Mama bear. I turned them over and there was Randi’s handwriting. She had written “The Three Bears- Papa Bear (Big R), Mama Bear (R) and Baby Bear (Little R)” on the first picture. On the second she wrote, “A Little R & R.” Tears filled my eyes as I looked at the familiar writing.

“I was wrong, Mom.”

“About what, honey?”

“These are picture of us.”

“What do you mean?”

“The bears are us. See,” I pointed to the picture and showed her the back. “It’s our family. The three R’s. And in this one, it’s her and Ricky. A Little R & R. Thank you, Mom.”

“For what?”

“For not letting me destroy these pictures.”

“I knew you would want them someday.”

“Yeah, you were right.” I grabbed my mom and hugged her.

“Are you alright, Rafe?”

I looked down at the photos, “Not yet, but I will be, Mom. I will be.”


Word Count: 1985