Whether is it your house or your car, everyone has been burgled at least once. It is time for the victims of theft to stand up and get even! Leave shotguns and heat sensing lasers for the movies and get even passive aggressive style! You get just as much satisfaction, and no one gets hurt. Except perhaps the intruder's ego. Here are some ideas on how to wreak havoc on a would-be burglar.
1. Buy two fake rocks. The kind meant to hold your keys and be hidden outside the home. They are always far too fake to be real, and any thief who has half a brain will recognize them as bogus. Now get yourself a couple sets of keys. Not ones that gain entry to your current residence. Perhaps some from a previous home, or miss-cut ones from the local locksmith. Put them in the fake rocks and place one near your front door. Easy to see, but not super obvious. Put the other fake rock near the back door. Again, not too obvious. When the bad guy sees it he (or she) will think they hit the jackpot. They will try every door trying to get those keys to work. Over and over again. At some point he (or she) will find the other fake rock and try those keys. The longer they fool around with the keys the better the chance they will a) become frustrated and give up, b) get frustrated and break a window in which case you will have other little treats waiting for them (see below), or c) be seen by your neighbors who will call the cops (assuming they like you).
2. Should the delinquents gain entry to the home, why not rig a few other surprises up for them? We are not proposing the same elaborate set up as Kevin McAlister in Home Alone, but something a little more subtle. Everyone has seen those 'clever' books with the pages cut out in the middle so valuable can be hidden inside. Just put the book on the shelf and it looks like nothing but a book full of pages. They are usually pretty easy to spot too because they are almost always oversized classic leather-bound editions that most people only read on their Kindle. Most low-end vintage stores have them. Get yourself a couple of the pseudo-books and put a few Harlequin romance novels inside. Every thief loves a good love story.
3. One of the first places most burglars look for loot is the bedroom dresser – for a jewelery box. Put a nice big fancy jewelery box on your dresser and fill it with monopoly money and the plastic princess jewelery and accessories found at the dollar store. Perhaps a few gold spray-painted rocks as well, just for fun.
4. Bogus freezer foods are also a common anti-theft device. The problem is they are too common and every thief knows about them. So why not get yourself a few different kinds and fill them with real food? Even better, use some compost-able goods that will give the burglar a nice stink when they open the package.
5. Now, for the piece-de-resistance: a fake wall safe. They are sold in many novelty stores or joke shops. Simply hang it on the wall behind a painting or piece of furniture. For an extra element of drama, leave the object in front of the fake safe slightly askew. It will draw the thief's eye. When they find the safe and manage to open it, there will be nothing but wall behind it.
Once all your treats are set up, take your valuables and put them in a safe deposit box at the bank. They will be out of harms way there. The thought of someone breaking into your home is horrible, but picturing the temper tantrums of frustration that all your little tricks will cause is almost worth it. Almost.