Acrophobia

I have an art series on Fears so this is my own introspective of my fear of heights.

The fear of heights is split into rational and irrational.
Rational fearers are afraid of the fall, they are afraid of what it will do to them. Irrational fearers get dizzy on a step stool.
Hi, Irrational here. I have never been in my attic because I feel like dying three ladder rungs up. It's not even a cognitive fear, it's like my body is devouring itself whole from overstimulation, like the concept of being off the ground is just unholy. I thank my stars I'm allowed to jump without my organs imploding.
The earliest and most common way I've experienced Acrophobia is swinging. That's right, playground swing-sets are my adventurous outlet. I don't have to swing high. I don't have to do much at all. I get the velocity of a tricycle going and it starts.
It feels like a primal scream that build up in my chest, just behind the ribs. It works itself up through my throat like the hot vomit and skips my throat, opting instead to weasel into my sinuses and spread its zest through my bones, stinging in my ears like a sour candy.
It feels like if cavity drilling was a sensual experience. It's terrible and exhilarating. Maybe it's masochistic, but I can't help but indulge in torturing myself over and over. Ever since I was in grade school I'd use the swings as much as possible, clenching my teeth and shutting my eyes as the feeling washed over me, over and over. People always just say not to look down but that doesn't matter, I can feel it. I can always feel it. I know how high I am and the feeling knows, ti's been waiting for me, it misses me when I'm gone. It waits patiently for me to put myself through it again and it embraces me lovingly when I do.
I wonder if it's abnormal. I question why I almost like the way it feels, I must if I do things that let it happen. It's like I can't help it. It's almost addicting, the way the terror intertwines me with almost an ecstasy, like I'm earning it. Is that possible? My heart is pounding.