Religion a la Carte

A woman trades worlds without reckoning the cost

"Come on, Linda. that doesn't make any sense. You're not in love with the man, you're getting ready to leave him— you are still going to leave Jack, right?"

She nodded her head, biting her lip nervously. "I am; I really am, I promise."

"So how is it a 'sin' for us to make love? You love me, right? And I've told you how much I want to marry you. What's the difference if we do it now or in a month and a half? Nothing will have changed but a few pieces of paper."

Sandy's eyes began to tear up. "I'm sorry, babe... Please don't be mad at me..."

Princeton blew out a breath and struck the steering wheel in frustration. She flinched. He looked out at the motel with its red doors, each one looking warped and sordid through the rainy window. "Why did you agree to come tonight?" he asked tightly, still looking out the window.

Sandy dropped her head, looking at her fingers in her lap, twining and twisting them nervously. In a small voice, she replied, "I don't know. I'm sorry."

Princeton shook his head, started the car, and revved the engine, backing out of the parking spot with a spray of gravel. He jammed it angrily into drive and tore out of the parking lot. Sandy began to cry quietly, watching the tears fall on her hands.

After they had been on the road only a couple of minutes, she looked up at him. Her cheeks were flushed and her mascara had run. She said in a voice that was almost a whisper. "I'm sorry, I was being selfish, Prince. I'll... we can... Let's go back."

He slowed the car. "Are you sure this time? I don't want to— "

"No, I'm sure," she said quickly, her voice still submissive, but more sure of herself now. "You're right. I guess it really doesn't matter."

Princeton wheeled the car into a tight U-turn and smiled at Sandy. It was a savage smile.

@-----@-----@

Sandy lay looking at the clock on the hotel nightstand and rubbing her sore wrist, wondering idiot of there would be a bruise tomorrow. It wasn't adultery, she kept telling herself. If there had been a sin committed, it had been when she stopped loving Jack, when she agreed to a divorce. That's when her vows were broken, when she didn't live up to"for better or for worse." Tonight had just been... It wasn't adultery! She felt the tears roll from her eyes as she finally drifted off to sleep at 2:03.

@-----@-----@

"Morning, sunshine!" Princeton called, shaking her by the ankle as she lay in the bed. She lifted her head and smiled at him. She hoped it looked more natural than it felt. She sat up, covering her nakedness with the sheet.

"Why do women do that?" Princeton asked, frowning. He reached out and tugged at the sheet. When she held onto it, he tugged it harder, the playfulness gone. Sandy flinched. She let go of the sheet and looked down, embarrassed.

"It's not like you weren't naked last night, so what's the big deal?" He sounded irritable.

Sandy consciously resisted the urge to cover herself with her arms. "I know. You're right, Prince," she murmured, still looking down.

Princeton looked at her sitting submissively on the bed and smiled. She could feel his eyes crawling over her naked body and she felt vulnerable, exposed. It wasn't a good feeling; it felt intrusive. She looked up at him— glanced up at him— and asked, "Can I get dressed now?" She had meant for it to come out firmly, to show some sort of assertion, but it came out meekly, like a child asking for a treat. "Or do you..."

His teeth flashed in a knowing smile. "Do I what, baby?"

She laid back on the bed, looking at him again, wanting to please him, needing to please him. "Do you want to...?"

He did indeed, but as he moved on top of her and into her, she realized she really didn't. But it was too late, and she didn't want to make him mad. So she moved with him and gave him what he needed...what he wanted. When they were done, she gave him another one of those smiles that felt like a lie.

"Now that's a 'good morning' I can get used to!" Princeton said, standing with no self-conscious hesitation at all. He strutted toward to the little bathroom proudly nude. "I'm gonna grab a shower."

Sandy watched him go. God damn he's handsome, though, she thought to herself guiltily. My Prince is one fine man!

@-----@-----@

"Jack says he's worried and talked about calling the police. I just don't want to go through all that, baby. Please, I'm sorry."

"Jack said?!" Princeton did not lower his hand.

"I just mean, we don't need him coming up with some reason to delay the divorce, baby, okay? I don't care if he's worried, it's not like that." She took his hand and lowered it to her lips, kissing it, her swollen lip stinging. His face remained angry. She kissed each finger, seductively now, hoping to charm him out of this dangerous mood he sometimes lapsed into. Finally his face began to change. It didn't soften, but it became less frightening.

"There... see?" he said with an oily smugness. "All you have to do is be nice, baby."

She pulled him gently toward the cheap bed, kissing and sucking each finger of his hand slowly. She sat on the bed and leaned back, lifting her skirt for him. When he took her, she was very careful not to let him know she was crying.

@-----@-----@

"But I always go to church on Sunday, Prince." Sandy looked at Princeton, not understanding his objection.

"Are you meeting someone there?" he asked suspicously.

"Of course. I'm meeting Mom and Aunt Julie." She looked at him.

"Don't look at me like that, Sandy! You know what I mean!"

Sandy winced and drew back a little. "Like.. a man?"

Princeton glared at her.

"Of course not, Prince! Why would you even think that?"

Since the divorce had been finalized, life with Princeton had been very uncomfortable. He was suspicious, controlling, and often times downright mean.

She began to fidget as he stared at her coldly. After a few moments, she sat down and set her purse and jacket on the couch. "I can see them next week, baby. That's okay." Surely God wouldn't be upset if she missed a meeting.

@-----@-----@

"Stop, baby! That hurts! Please!"

Princeton slapped her face with his open hand and she yelped. She tried to push him off of her, but like last time and the time before that, he was strong, so strong. "You just be still, Sandy girl." he said through gritted teeth. "Just be still and be nice..."

She didn't even try to hide the tears anymore. He didn't seem to care anyway.

@-----@-----@

She wasn't sure how many commandments she was allowed to break and still make it into heaven. She couldn't imagine how much penance it might cost to get back on God's good side. But as she sat down on the metal stairs of their run-down trailer home and wiped the blood from her hands and face, she decided right now wasn't the time to care about God; she had been picky enough about when she'd followed his rules in her life that tonight probably wasn't going to tip the scales. She sighed with relief that it was finally over. Still she absently fingered the delicate silver rosary beads around her neck as set the knife on the step by her foot and waited for the police to arrive.