Hero

You want to be the hero, but you won't be.

Somewhere inside you, a little boy cries out, longing to be recognized for the sacrifices he made--
As the oldest --
As the big brother --
As the loving husband --
And devoted father and uncle --
Who let himself disappear
To save everyone else.

Did you feel you had to earn love or behave a certain way to deserve it?

When you married her things grew cold quickly; you were never enough for her, not because you weren't good to her, but because no one ever will be.

She wants a caretaker with no connection -- not a lover, and you cannot love her enough to make her love you.

That little boy is now a man, who lost half of his life diminishing himself in the hopes it will one day be enough to earn her love.

You don't have to earn love.

Perhaps, you want to be the hero who persevered until her fozen soul miraculously melted and she welcomed you into her loving arms.

You will not be the hero.
She doesn't want to heal.

The truth is, if she wanted to heal, to love you, to change, she would have made the effort.

You wouldn't have to beg.
You wouldn't have to be the one bringing it up time after time.

She is perfectly fine.

Her access to you is all that matters.
You are her trophy --
the handsome catch who gave her the house and the family and the status.
She humors you to keep up the mirage.

You are the only one losing here.
Every time you accept her crumbs you lose a little more of yourself.
Every day that passes you lose a day of being loved and loving someone the way you deserve to be and long to.

Will there be any of you left by the time you realize it?