Almost fifteen years of marriage and the life we shared has deteriorated so slowly that we did not cognizance the dust falling, bricks fissuring unseen and a foundation that was never set quite right. It nevertheless induces a pang at the back of my heart recognizing that although our relationship was damned from the beginning there were years of significant moments, softhearted moments. First kisses, first love. First marriage with the dreams of growing old gracefully hand in hand. Raising children, and looking forward to being grandparents for the first time. The kids trips home to celebrate the holidays in a home that they had grown up in, a home that they should have looked back on with a glowing feeling in their hearts and memories of a happy childhood. The opportunity to become so close that in time we would finish each others sentences and tell our grandchildren stories of how we first met and what great lookers we were in "our days".
I have asked myself if I'm not in love with you than why is it that I feel so discarded and I think because it so hard to let go of what we had even though it wasn't healthy, it was all I had and all I had known and in my heart I know that we could never have what we both dreamed of for a future because of all the "water under our bridge". Admitting that we could have had the "white picket fence" in our own backyard and didn't even attempt to understand that it was there for the taking is so dispirited but it was just easier for us to disregard because it was easier to not do anything. I am so sorry on how things turned out for us. Things should have been so different, however, for everything there is a reason and one day I will understand why things turned the way they did. Recognizing that doesn't take away the melancholy but I hope in voicing my thoughts that it will help ease my heart back to a place where it should be, a place where it can forgive not only you but also myself and then heal.
I suppose my own insecurities and self-doubt will slow the healing process but I know that I am strong and I have so many ideals and dreams of what I should do and what the future shall hold that I am comfortable with the next step of my life. I guess I have been long lost in the way things should have gone in our lives and the pain of allowing something that should have been so special fail sometimes eats away at me because in my mind my life was going to be the way that I dreamed it would be back when I was a little girl. A lot of things in your new relationship I do not understand and considering it is so fresh it frustrates me to try to comprehend on how you choose to love but I am no longer going there because it does not do me well and I cannot hope to understand something that I have no way of understanding so I am laying that to rest right now. I do not need a picture of her to affirm that I am a beautiful person for I know how beautiful I am inside and my children and the people that know me can see that beauty on the outside. I guess there was a brief moment of vanity thinking that you never learned to love me because of my looks but how ridiculous to suggest that of you. From this point on there is no more hurt from this relationship, it is time for me to heal.
So in saying that, God knows the things that have been done and God is where I leave my heart. You have moved on to another place in which I cannot travel, that I choose not to travel. Regardless of what you may believe, you do need to let me go. Staying married is just a source for me to hang on to the hope of not having to fear walking this life alone and I can't have fears, I have children to raise. I cannot learn to stand on my own if in the back of my mind I am still one with you. My first step has to be my own and in doing so I am now just letting go.
© Copyright 2004 Shawnie (UN: shawnie at Writing.Com).
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