Porthole

Three mini-reviews

Two for

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Space Blog  (ASR) Cruising WDC cyberspace and raiding ports for blog prompts! #2223838 by Sharmelle's Expressions

"Old spice in the air"   [ASR] by n.lea

Mini-review:

It's a great idea for a poem. Fragrance does evoke memories and emotions. However, poetry is based on the use of language to bring this moment to life. Ideas need to find the right flow (which is okay) and words (not-s'okay) and to be poetry needs to use poetic devices properly (inconsistent). This needs an edit for spelling and grammar. Somes rhymes like tight/might seem forced (although nice use of 'nares'). 'fragile slow growing' is either awkward or overly descriptive; prune. The idea is salvageable; the poetry is not. I give it a 2.5. I suggest starting over.

Prompt: What emotions do fragrances bring for you?

I boil lavender, cloves, orange peels, rosemary... anything... to up the humidity in this very dry old and dusty once-upon-a-time hotel. The fragrances help make it cozy. I don't have any patchouli or sandalwood which brings back the 70s.

Each time I get off the plane in Costa Rica I breathe in the mix of fragrances that tell me that I'm back in 'mi lindo pais'. I wish I were there now.

My smeller is fading away with age. Plus, Montana is very dry. I appreciate smelling anything at all.

"Caveman"   [E] by Whiskerfacebythefireplace

Full-review: Here I go again as I did a mini-review and lost it. There are 5 major components that make a hokku a haiku or senryu.

1. Two images juxtaposed.
2. No emotion given, just elicited in haiku. Senryu seems to bend this rule.
3. Concrete images. Humans count as natural images. "Johnny" does not.
4. One cutting word. In English, punctuation counts as such.
5. Season word. (sakura = warm spring; ume = early cold spring; etc.)

What doesn't matter.

6. Exactly 17 syllables arranged 5/7/5. This is an English language convention. Japanese is 17 'on' (morae).
7. caPiTaliZation. Japanese has none. It is irrelevant.
8. Rhyme. It is irrelevant...
9. ...although... senryu can also be witty and word-play is part of that.

So, lets look at it:

Cavern-like shelter
Cold, dank, and isolated
Internet caveman

Good: Does elicit a response (#2). Images seem concrete (#3), although 'isolated' is iffy if applied to caveman as it bends this rule.

Not good: No cutting word or punctuation (#4) means that I'm not sure where line 2 fits (#1) and images are blurry. There is NO season word (#5). Caves/caverns tend to be cold and dank year round.

Questionable: (#6) makes this feel like middle school class assignment.

Snowdrifts block the cavern — an internet terminal blinks

This would fulfill #1-5. It feels a bit 'heavy' as 14 syllables is a bit much (about 28 'on')

Snow blocks the cave — a blue screen blinks

This would be shorter, maybe too short in English with 8 syllables (~24 'on').

Frozen man-cave — a cell-phone rings

(~19 'on') But still missing something.

Anyhoo. Points on an image that elicits a response. I believe that's what others are rating this on. So 2 out of 5. To strengthen this either abandon the grade-school form and severely edit or abandon the idea that it's a hokku and rework it into a short-form that fits it (24 syllable contest might work). As is, it isn't a haiku/senryu. I rate it a 3.1 on strength of decent images and evoked response. It's worthy of editing to strengthen it.

Do you ever feel like an Internet caveman? Tell us about it or tell us about a caveman encountering the 21st century.

Yes. I have not gone out in three days except to use the toilet and pace the hall a few times. I'm going to try to focus a bit more on my place, projects, plants, cooking, reading, journal, snailmail. The covidiots and the Idiot in the WH is still negatively affecting me... but it's getting better. I'm watching a BL ghost story out of Thailand (no English title... sorry).

From basebook haiku group:

unisex restroom--
on the seat
a drop of blood

— Mykel Board

My comment to comments: "I think some folks are overthinking. It matters little where it was (as long as it's somewhere... restroom suffices), whether there's one drop or two or many (they all work; just 'drops' works well) or whether the blood is from a female or male (unisex is awesome choice of word, wish it were shorter but it works). Haiku isn't a Victorian novel with elaborate details (Japanese and East Asian cultures aren't caught up with puritanical 'morals' either). Au contraire, the reader is supposed to feel "something" and disgust is a great reaction! Life isn't all pretty pretty or sad or angry; there are many emotions that aren't explored by writers who stick to cliches. Two concrete images juxtaposed is what it's all about (and yes, an emdash works well imho). That said... when is this? I really want it grounded in time. A word like 'steamy' or 'frozen' tells me something. Especially 'frozen blood' (unheated outdoor toilet?) although I'm sure there are other words that apply. What shouldn't be done is 1. adding another image or line or 2. adding any emotion. I like it as is, but a haiku demands a season. Because the images are concrete (restroom is physical structure) and natural (animals bleed) I think it's as much a haiku as a senryu. But I don't think the label matters."

Looking at how I rated the above offering I consider this non-WdC haiku/senryu stronger. It covers 4 of 5 points. It had one commenter writing 'ew' and just that makes it a keeper! Hard to evoke strong responses. ("That's nice" = kiss of death imho). If it were here I'd rate it a 4.6.

3.449