Carly's Ramblings Blog - Style

I Don't Have To Be What You Want Me To Be. I'm Free...

Okay... a blog.... this quote inspired me... so here goes....

Blog City - Day 839

" I don't have to be what you want me to be. I'm free to be what I want."~ Muhammad Ali
What do you think he meant by this famous quote? Has his struggle made a difference in society? Do you have that same kind of conviction about your own beliefs?

As I read this I can't help thinking about it in terms of being a woman. When you are young, society expects you to be a certain way and want certain things - marriage and children. When you get older society doesn't seem to care anymore... once you are out of child bearing years you become a 'sexless' entity. Those of us that never dreamed of marriage or children often have to deal with those expectations. We are seen as somehow wanting or deficient for not wanting those things... selfish, even, but the thing is I love children. I love teaching, but I don't see myself as a good mother because that requires a level of devotion that is 24/7. I am not sure I could do that, maybe I could, but I feel that both the children and myself would suffer in some way for it...

I am an only child and one who love to write... I find I require down time that is my own... with children you do not get that - even if they are not around, you worry. I applaud people that can do that. Coming from a family of divorce and seeing that kind of upheaval... I would never want to put my own children through that... I also did not have confidence in my own marital match to see it as a guarantee...

So I am quite content to teach... be there and understand the children that struggle. I can see and feel their need... I want to help them in my own way, without the pressure of being so completely responsible for their full growth and development. Being a teacher that cares and advocates for them is where I feel most secure.

When I got married, I remember feeling like I was expected to do that... did I really want to? Not really. I even remember my ex complaining that I had not been so absolutely ecstatic. We had been together for so long already. By the time we got married it was two weeks before our 8 year dating anniversary. Now, over 14 years beyond that, we are separated and I am dealing with the fallout and emotions that go with that...

I recently saw an interview with Oprah Winfrey and Shandra Rhimes. Both women spoke of not wanting to get married and feeling like it was expected. That resonated with me. Both are powerful woman who have taken charge of their own destinies and followed their hearts and their dreams... They embraced Muhammad Ali's quote and became what they wanted to be. I feel like I gave my true destiny away by giving in to societal expectations. Now I sit on the cusp of my life trying to put the pieces back together and wondering if I will be okay. I wonder where my stronger, younger self went and if she will come back to me if I cultivate my life again. I can only hope and take it one day at a time.