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 |   My journey through (and beyond) the valley with Cancer as my companion. |
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Dear Friend: This is not a Blog about writing! (I already have one of those.) This is a blog about a journey I am taking with illness. I have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. My goal is honest therapy as I progress through, and beyond this new reality in my life. I hope that, somewhere along the way you will find some words that will help you too. While this is, in fact, an interactive Blog, I hope that you will scroll slowly down this page. For you see, the front of this Blog IS my journey. The entries are conversations that are held along the journey.Yes, there is a lot on it--before actually getting to the Blog entries. But, I hope that by the objects and words which appear before the Blog itself, you might come to understand just a little bit about me, and my journey, and some truly amazing friends who have agreed to journey with me. I hope that you, too, will choose to accompany me on my walk--through the Valley. I invite you to join me, and discover the wondrous truths, meet some truly amazing people, and share those "memorable" moments this journey will undoubtedly present. Come along, won't you? In His Care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Would you like to help me help others? I found this amazing organization, and I am proud to be a sponsor. I hope you will check it out. It's called The Network For Good.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "RISUS OMNIA - INCRUMENTUS PER DEDECUS - SAPIENTIA PER DAMNUM" ("Every thing is funny - Growth through humiliation - Wisdom through loss") ~Leunig~ The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. ~Helen Keller~ "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." ~Virginia Woolf~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "There is strength in truth." ~The Barton Family Crest~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller, American social activist, public speaker and author (1880-1968) I have moved the list of my thanks for those who have helped to make this little Blog so very special. I hope that you will take a moment to read the list, growing every day, and let these fellow travellers along this journey know that you appreciate the contributions they make to our walk together.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to click on the Blog Rings icon below to be transported to some of the very best of the Best Bloggers around WDC. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you are new to WDC, or to our Blogging community, I highly recommend the monthly edition of "The Blogville News". Feel free to click below, and let Scarlett   know that a Blogger sent ya!Hey! We've started a Christian's Blog Ring on WDC. Click on the logo, and join us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Budroe
 Ring LeaderI have three publications at the moment. Here is a link to purchase my latest one. Buy a great read, and help a fellow writer out, Okay?  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| This entry is, primarily, about faith generally and my faith specifically. I am a Christian, and my faith follows (more or less) traditional Christian tenets. If this offends you, please feel free to continue on your reading journey to other writers. I won't be offended, and who knows? We may even protect our friendship in the process--a good thing. This is also, insofar as it can be, an update on things medical. Many more questions at the moment than answers, but that is a part of the journey--and the process--too. It is high Summer where I live. I haven't seen a moment of fresh air in it. Out only for either visits to the white coats en masse or to individual white coats in their office, the Summer this year has not provided me with anticipated memories of childhood with their halcyon days of leisure and playfulness. That's why I call it High Summer: I am still hoping at least a few will meander into my mind and cause my heart to smile. I've been sick for a while now. I've been patient for a very long time, it seems. This year has not lessened either. (No, I'm not complaining, just explaining.) I haven't had the motivation I hoped to have. I have had to deal with strange affectations of my body upon myself and others, including said white coats who have spent most of this year in my world scratching their heads, or at least shaking them. I have said on many occasions that I can deal with anything I know; that it is the unknown, the unanswered question which I have great difficulty with. Questions abound these days, and accurate answers seem far, far away. It began with one of those "moments" where, at one breath I was relatively alright and the next in an amazing, intense pain in a place that I had not come to know pain. I have come to learn that this is how heart attack victims or stroke victims (at least those who survive them) feel at the onset of their difficulty. Having had each while under anesthesia, I have only dealt with the fallout of survival, not the onset events themselves. So for me, this was a bit of an interesting revelation. The pain I refer to originated in my chest...sort of. Actually, it was my extreme lowest left rib which suddenly felt as though it had somehow broken in two. But, simultaneous to that, a very deep, sharp pain began 'under' my left rib cage. I also got a sudden band of pain across my abdomen. Just to fill out the dance card, I got a simultaneous and extremely sharp pain in my, umm, right testicle which was the pain that made my breathing take a short holiday. Agonizing pain. Unrelenting pain. Star-creating pain. That very special "Owwie, DAMMIT!" kind of pain. In three weeks, having endured this increasing daily pain with no pain relief whatsoever, off to the white coats we went. (When a white coat tells you "Hello!" with a Morphine drip, that is a very nice "Hello!" indeed. One for which I will be eternally grateful, too. ) Within three weeks, and two subsequent visits to the ER and countless appointments in Clinics and offices, and no pain reduction at all (because, drug seekers you know, we don't give patients pain relief any more.) I have learned that while these symptoms are uniquely specific, they are possibilities of several causes. Trust me, I've been subjected to all of them! Right now, as the process of elimination and possible identification continues, I have been given a thirty day supply of some rather "interesting" pain relievers (in the nuclear option sort of way, that is) that should at least allow me to sleep for a couple hours at a time to escape, if not eliminate the pain. From Palsy to Pleurisy to chronic Pancreatitis (the current billboard topper), from testicular cancer to strangulated hernia to unidentified masses (2), and from ineffective drug manufacture to unknown genetic disposition to make Levothyroxin (post Thyroidectomy, don't ya know) completely ineffective in my system...I can tell you the pain may be white light intense, but it is not my largest problem at the moment. On this journey, it is the unseen that is the greatest danger, and the unknown which presents the greatest threat. I've got 'em in spades. Most of my days are involving sleep, or pain relief which induces sleep. This creates some very, very long nights in my world. Those long nights get, quite frankly, wearying. Ready? Here we go. What keeps you up at night, no matter when that night may come on your clock? Is it your job? Your children? Your marriage? Your future? Your past? What is it that makes your long nights so weary? Dreary? How tired of trying (and failing) to deal with them are you? I don't know about your answer, but I do know about mine. It isn't pretty, friend. Single Mom, trying to support and successfully raising the next generation? Hanging on to the J.O.B. for one more month? More month than money? Morbid sadness and grief over the loss of a loved one? The next step on this journey? Everyone has these long nights. Many have to endure more than others. Some are given the task of enduring more than most. Nobody wants to consider themselves, much less be considered by others as some kind of hero, or Martyr simply because of what this life requires us to deal with. We belly button kids just want to get about dealing, and moving forward. No matter what. (Lor-dee, there is a sermon series in this paragraph alone!) How does my faith (or yours) respond to the long nights? As for me and mine, it has been a pretty hard slog these past eleven years. Every colleague gone, every friend lost, every moment of regret clearly in focus, and every unanswered question highlighted as stars in the darkest evening sky...and a seeming inescapable pain with every beat of my heart have a unique place for me in these long nights, weeks, months and years. So? Who cares? And, given that it is me being discussed, why should anyone care at all? Do you know that feeling, too? I do. I know it well. I know it so very well that it sometimes overtakes my usual happy spirit and effervescent nature. But, it is a question that I, as a belly button kid get to ask. Of whom? Of my doctors? My one true friend? My care workers? My cats? My God? (The tears are okay. Let them flow. I am.) Of all the ways we can be betrayed, of all the folks we can fail, and of all the failures we must endure on this journey, must we also suffer a failure of our faith? Is it required that we find ourselves utterly alone in the universe before faith will finally begin to make sense? And if you think I am the first person, much less the first patient to discover this experiential reality, let me disabuse you of the notion. I am not. Neither are you! A recent stop on my journey for me personally, the question arrived in the form of "Has any thing, any moment of my life mattered? To anyone? After all, that really is a question most of humanity would at least prefer to have answered in the affirmative. I, too have a belly button, after all. For me, my answer to that query is hugely in the negative. I've done a lot of stuff; many things. But nothing which really mattered, or matters much. That is one of the great dangers of choosing serving others as a life goal: you get to plant the seeds, but very rarely if ever get to reap the results. I deal with hope. Others deal with reality. Hope is planting seeds. Reality is tasting the fruit. Belief in a Savior is a really big part of my faith. Does He Care? Really? Or, is it all a lie, a fiction (as I have screamed to and at me at virtually every turn) or a fantasy? Every human ever to have taken this journey has, is, or will arrive at this moment. The intersection may be major, you know a big one. Or, it may be a very small, quiet or even silent one. Yet, the moment comes. It's not that it comes that matters, you see. It's how you answer the moment that matters. I've been having some trouble trying to answer that question for myself lately. Then, a friend showed up, and showed off. Again. His answer helped me a lot. I offer it to you in the hopes that it will help you, too. I haven't found the answer yet, but at least I believe I am on the right path to it. That helps. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Everyone asks the questions. That's not unique. It is the individual faith of the believer which provides the 'knowing', even during the long nights dreary. It's just a little difference, friend. But it makes all the difference for me. In His Care, Budroe |
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