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 |   All that remains: here in my afterlife as a 'mainstream' blogger, with what little I know. |
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The Idiotic Ideate?? Formerly: New Zenith To Hell…(all started with arc as writer here from the trials of Rising Stars to Preferred Author to WDC Quills Best Poetry Collection to the falling action I feel now that settles in a white case.) Got to hustle to preserve the best of me before fully fading on that virtual horizon glowing more brilliant with each passing day to permanent nuclear winter. if people don’t get it, I don’t need to explain it. We kill all that’s beautiful before we question it’s purpose. So many people find it easier to think in the black and the white. God forbid you get lost straying in the gray. "Whoever fights monsters should see to it…he does not become a monster.” I’ve been to the abyss and back. Not so bad. The loneliest happy person you'd ever meet, when not the saddest person who needs to be alone. In an ever-changing world, we need to handle topics at the ready. If you roll over and give in to the narrative without lending a voice of your own, you might as well hand over your civil liberties. We have voices that should connect to true conscience and spirit for honest and open discourse. Why feel so redacted? Unify on issues and put drama aside. Open minds require complete objectivity. If none need apply, question the unbendable sources for answer. If you knee-jerk react to every issue lurking out there that clutches your neck, you fall victim to your own ignorance born from a life of apathy (no doubt) in pathetic cries of injustice. Just writing what I feel without the narrative-altering mind f---ing with my head. [MY Chorus] In your house, I long to be Room by room, patiently I'll wait for you there, like a stone I'll wait for you there, alone "It amazed me how truth was often suffocated in minutes, but lies were given sufficient air to breathe indefinitely." "You are all better than you think you are, you are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself." ![Merit Badge in Second Time Around Contest
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Congratulations on winning the Grand Overall Prize in [Link To Item #2164876] with your beautiful poem, [Link to Book Entry #933358]. This poem really moved me. Great writing!
Rachel *^*Heartv*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Second_Time_Around_Contest-2164963_14.gif)    "...lasting art is never anything more than a mathematical expression of the relations that exist between the internal and the external, the self [le moi] and the world." -Jean Metzinger I'm in love with carefully chosen words, arranged just so, audible, edible, to inhale. I attempt to post new poems and epiphanies daily with some links to what inspires. I am legally blind with a rare, genetic form of glaucoma. I'm described as "end stage" after two successful surgeries, still subject to further vision loss. Cataracts complicating matters. Writing Can get strenuous but seldom deters what yearns to emerge, despite a documented history of depression and recently diagnosed ADHD and undefinable social disorders and/or PTSD. My recent poetry:
Sometimes epiphanies about my insights on writing and life and what goes on... Making sense of life is maddening. Why do I need to know, when truth may not actually exist? Learning to accept would be a better pursuit? Flailing about in my own mediocrity, hoping to bust out. I am visible. You can put a face with a name. I would like to see other writers, too. Fiction is what you write, not who you are. Reinventing myself. I couldn't continue on the path I was on and needed a fresh start. This time around I want to put the focus on writing and the world outside of this community as it affects my life. I realize now that I have been baring my chest a bit more, as when young. fake me much more boring and unliberated than the real me. A world arriving as silent as that blossom in your garden that I told you about... |
| It's been written somewhere on these pages that my life has been like playing handball against an uneven wall. That's about the gist of what I shared until I realized I have to share this with my therapist next week to explain this weird obsession I have. You see, to extend the methaphor, there are easier, flatter walls to the left and right and probably all the way around. I'm obsessed with learning this one wall that returns my serves in such odd ways it seems unfair. You would think I would stop mentally abusing myself and play against the proper wall. This obsession is trying to calculate every angle, it's a belief the wall cheats, conspires against me. The way it sends balls back and away, making it hard for me to play, doesn't seem fair. I don't even consider blaming myself in this regard because I believe I can master this all knowing wall and win one day. I've made significant progress with life as a highly-functioning whatever I am (can't say autistic without a diagnosis), yet I run into new obstacles all the time that perplex and intrigue me, make me want to try. In the beginning, it's very defeating. When I decide the wall is being unfair, I claim partial advantage. Because, not every thing is a wall but a living, breathing thing that I can mentally challenge, manipulate. Just the way I feel I'm being mentally challenged and manipulated by these scenarios I come across in my daily life. I should just walk away when the fix is in. Nuh-uh. My brain sets to work, leaving behind a rational, functional side of me. I figure, talk to the therapist about this obsession. Explain some scenarios where I must overcome odds. A simple one is gaining acceptance for my play on the basketball court. I should have hung them up many years ago. I just keep getting better and confusing people how I am able to achieve some of the things I attempt. I can't dunk a basketball anymore. But, I can nutmeg a player with a behind the back pass to a cutter for a layup. Look it up, if you care. Or respond here, I'll try. The thing is, I just keep watching and learning and preparing for each day I go to the gym. No one my age should be getting away with this stuff that would make me a Harlem Globetrotter. It's the same with words. It's the same with numbers. It's the same with complex equations. I do it with solitaire, cribbage, Words With Friends. I just keep learning and mastering play until it gets boring and I find something else. I need to understand why I do it, if I can stop. What will the outcome be if I keep ramping up at this pace. I'm learning about stocks and investing and making some side bets. Why am I saying all this? Guess I was just bored and prattling on after my realization about that wall I face everyday. It's not like Everest. It's not some abyss. It's a knobby, old wall that seems to mock me. Maybe, one day I will figure it all out and the wall will tumble down. I might be sad. I'll probably just look for another wall to master. Yeah, I need help. 6.29.21 typed in dark, edit later. |
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In the Falkland Islands, internet is very limited and very expensive. The place I'm currently staying only lets me use it in the middle of the night, so when I have to get up at 3 am to check my texts (no cell service to the US here unless I'm on the internet) or WdC, I don't do nearly as much as I used to. 
I currently have 2 very long emails I still need to get to from several days ago. Anyway, I miss everyone, but I also miss sleep, so there's that. 
Have you spoken to the doctor about your vision problems lately? I know there are special glasses for it because I have to wear them to read much ever since the brain injury. It's part of why I now only listen to audiobooks instead of reading regular books. It took 8 years for anyone to diagnose it because I have a brain injury and while one might think it would be obvious to me that I see double, it wasn't. Partly, my brain does a fair job of compensating. But also, partly, you use your brain to realize and understand that the 2 images you constantly see are double vision and something you should mention to your eye doctor. Since my brain was damaged, even basic things like that can escape me. 
I never once thought to mention it, even with annual eye exams in the Army and an exam every 2 years at the VA. Though, in my defense, since it happens in something like 41% of people with a brain injury, it should have been discovered by an eye doctor much sooner. 
I know doing that activity is a CRAP TON of work. But you made a difference in lives, not just his, but for all the people he's reviewed since. 
Well done! 
