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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I love, love, love this video! It's hysterical... and crazy! (Warning: contains bad language!) [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  |
I know all I do is moan in my blog these days but I’ve just had one of the crappiest days I’ve had in a long time. I really don’t know how much more crap I can endure. It just seems like EVERYTHING is going wrong.  |
| My Father. *clap, clap, clap* After working hard to sort his life out and four years of sobriety he is drinking again and has been for eight months now. And how do my sister and I find out about it? Through Facebook. Yeah, thanks Dad. Anyway, here’s the hilarious Michael Mcintyre to cheer me up. The London Underground sketch is just pure genius.  [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| I’m listening to Brandon Flowers' album “Flamingos” at the moment. I listen to this album practically every day. Sometimes several times a day! I have never been more in love with someone’s voice—it is like silk! I so badly want to see Brandon in concert. The weather is quite cold here today. It doesn’t feel like July. Brrrrrrrrrr. I need to do some writing. My last poem was written at the beginning of last month. I feel like writing a poem but can’t think of anything I particularly want to write about. I’ve just seen that my brother’s wife (widow  ) has posted pictures of my niece on Facebook. I can’t believe how grown up she looks now. Then again, I don’t think I’ve seen her since 2005. She must be 8 or 9 now, I think, and she probably doesn’t even know who I am. I would love to be in her life. I’ve had a little bit of contact with my other niece via Facebook so who knows; maybe in the future I will get the opportunity to know them better and to actually be an aunt to them. I hope so.I also just saw that my Dad’s posted in his status on Facebook that he’s “relapsed big time” and needs help so now I’m worried sick. Don’t know what to do.  |
| I’m tired of rude people. I don’t understand rudeness. I was raised to be polite and I have excellent manners. Always have. I wouldn’t ever NOT say thank you to a person who held a door open for me or stood aside to allow me to pass by. I can’t believe people actually do that. I never fail to acknowledge someone who has done something for me, however small, so I find it confusing and frustrating when people do it to me. Seriously, how hard is it to make eye contact with someone and say thank you? I encountered so many rude people when I was shopping today. It was incredibly frustrating. When someone doesn’t thank me for holding a door open for them, or whatever, I say “you’re welcome” in a very polite and pleasant voice, as if they have just thanked me. I get some glares sometimes but it makes me feel better to show up their discourtesy. Nobody, that I can remember, has ever apologised. I had the most stressful night last night. I was hoping to go to bed at 11pm but literally, as I was just about to shut down my computer, loads of warnings suddenly flashed up telling me it’d got a virus (or viruses). I’ve never had that happen before and had no idea what to do. Thankfully my sister’s boyfriend was around and he helped me out. I then spent about four hours downloading software and scanning my computer. I also spent that four hours crying and planning how to commit suicide. A bit of an overreaction, maybe, but it was just one shitty thing too many in a major spate of shitty things that have happened over the last few days. I’m feeling a little better today, though had to cancel my contact lens appointment as I was just too exhausted to go to it. That’s now on Friday. I did keep my employment appointment, which was good. My advisor was a bit concerned about me, because I was kind of down. He was so sweet! He was also really reassuring about the possible volunteer work and said there’s no pressure to do it if I don’t feel ready yet and that I won’t be letting anybody down. He did encourage me to go though, if I can, and I’m really going to try to pluck up the courage. Scary stuff... |
| I didn’t get the greatest news at the Opticians today. But then it wasn’t the worst either. My eyes are healthy, thank goodness, even if my sight is rubbish. My vision has only deteriorated very slightly since my last test but the optometrist told me that I need to wear my glasses pretty much all the time now. My first thought was f*** that. I absolutely HATE my glasses. I only wear them for driving at the moment. I can’t stand how I look in them. I can’t stand how they feel. And I can’t stand how I can see the frames in my peripheral vision when I’m wearing them. So... I have an appointment tomorrow to find out about getting contact lenses. The thought of contact lenses freaks me out but I’d rather be a little freaked out than have to wear my glasses and look hideous. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think glasses are ugly or that people look ugly in them. I just think I look bad in them, and I’m not exactly the most attractive person anyway. I’m not usually this vain. |
| Somehow, last night, I managed to merge two weeks into one. So it turns out this week isn't quite as busy as I thought it was going to be.... It was very disorientating to wake up this morning and realise I'd cut a whole week out of my life! |
| My anxiety at the moment is so high. I have a lot on this week and I’m feeling very stressed about it all. I’m getting my eyes tested tomorrow, which is never fun, and I’m worried that there is now something wrong with my vision for close things, as well as distant things. I guess I’ll know for sure by this time tomorrow.On Tuesday I’m meeting up with my employment advisor and I think we’ll probably finish off working on my CV. That shouldn’t be too bad though I’m sure he’ll also want to talk about the volunteer opportunity. Speaking of volunteer work, if I’m brave, I could be starting on Thursday. ARGH! But I can’t think about that too much right now because I might have a panic attack. I also have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday. I found out yesterday that my doctor is leaving the surgery in a couple of months and I think that is the main thing that is making me so anxious at the moment. I feel sick at the thought of having to get to know someone new. I like and trust my current doctor and I don’t want a new one. So that’s all a bit crap. But one good thing is I’ve finished helping to judge my second official WDC contest. It was hard work but a lot of fun. Also, I am now back on the 100 most credited reviewers list for the first time in AGES. Yay! I’ve missed being on the list! I watched the final of The Apprentice with my Mum and sister tonight and the person I wanted to win actually won. That never happens for me! This is a very rushed and random blog entry. I'm tired! I think I’d better log off and go to bed as it’s almost 2am and I have to go out tomorrow... |
| I have a bizarrely stressful and stressfully bizarre medical problem at the moment. I’m not going to say what it is and I bet nobody would be able to guess even if they guessed a million times! I’m not in pain but I’m pretty distressed and am currently waiting for a call back from NHS Direct which I somehow managed to request by accident on their website. Still, it might be useful! And if I chicken out, I don’t have to answer the phone... Today has been absolutely crazy and I’m just hoping that it will turn out to be an incredibly surreal dream. Though I very much doubt it will. I freaked the dog out a little while ago. The stress and frustration I’ve been feeling for several hours now brimmed over and I ended up taking it out on the sofa cushions by punching and throwing them. It felt good! “Seeing red” might be the clichéd way to describe anger, but that’s the perfect way to describe what I was going through! Anyway, I looked round afterwards to see Jade had come right up to me and was looking at me with this really concerned and sad expression. She looked so sweet and I felt so bad! But I gave her a cuddle and she’s fine now. But I’m not fine. I’m exhausted beyond belief. I’m going to take a sleeping tablet soon as I think I need a few hours of being blissfully unconscious to recover! |
| My eating habits at the moment are shocking. SHOCKING. I’ve been eating so much junk food and only one proper meal a day. But despite all the crap I’ve been eating I’ve lost a little weight. But I can’t see it. I feel fat and when I look in the mirror, I see fat. But my weighing scales show me I’m not fat and my BMI (Body Mass Index) is 17.1, which is underweight. A healthy weight is between 18.5 and 25. I haven’t felt healthy in a long time. I think I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder (which is related to OCD) because I honestly and seriously can’t SEE that I’m underweight. I feel so big and wide and yet I know I’m not. It’s the weirdest thing to have two such contradictory thoughts at once. Anyway, today has been okay but boring. We have new sofas, which arrived yesterday. They’re cream. Cream sofas + black dog who loves to roll in disgusting things = bad situation! Therefore poor Jadey has been banned from the furniture and she’s being a little sulky about it. We’ve kept two of the old sofa cushions for her to lie on, though, and she has a huge, comfortable basket in my room. She really is a very spoilt dog! I’m sure she’ll get used to the new rules though. I was supposed to have an employment appointment tomorrow but have had to rearrange it as I can’t drive my car until Saturday. I think I will catch up on some sleep instead! I’ve had an email from a lady about volunteering for the local Canal Conservation Society but I haven’t replied yet. Now that things are becoming real, I’ve become very anxious. But I have to be brave and start making some changes because I cannot go on living like this... |
| I am so completely depressed tonight (I know what’s new? ) But I think I know why. I haven’t taken my antidepressants in two or three days so my mood has crashed and my anxiety has increased a ridiculous amount. I guess the tablets work... well, sort of. The thing is I just can’t seem to take them consistently. I have been on and off them so many times. I’ve stopped telling my doctor about it now as I know it pisses him off! It seems they help me for a bit, and then I get really low again so stop taking them because for some reason I just can’t keep up with it. Then after a few days my mood completely crashes and I get scared and start taking them again. I know this is all incredibly stupid but it is a cycle I just can’t seem to break out of. I don’t know what to do. Today has been a good day until now. I can’t put into words how exhausted I am with life. |
| Yesterday was the busiest day I’ve had in a long time and I did it on very little sleep. I went to a confidence and motivation workshop in the morning which actually turned out to be quite good. Some of it was a little cheesy and there was a very “group-hug” atmosphere which I found pretty cloying but it was worth going to and I met some interesting characters! When I got home I did some housework. I’d promised my Mum I’d vacuum the living room as she was having some friends over after work. Anyway, I ended up going crazy and vigorously vacuumed the living room, stairs and landing! The vacuum cleaner felt so overworked and overheated that it stopped working for a while! I thought I’d broken it! After that I swept the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom. Then I picked my sister up from work and we went into town. We ended up shopping for three hours!  I bought three DVDs – Moon, The Time Traveller’s Wife and A Single Man. When I left the shop I realised I’d been overcharged by £1. I decided to go back and get it, which I don’t usually do if stuff like that happens, but I’ve been quite money-conscious recently. Or at least conscious of my lack of money! Anyway, there was some confusion and I ended up being given a refund of £4. I considered not saying anything but I just couldn’t and “confessed” that I’d been given too much. I think the man was quite surprised at my honesty!When we left the shops it was raining very heavily and I had to drive us home in a torrential downpour, which I found pretty scary. But we got home safe and sound thankfully. I spent the evening watching too much television and went to bed fairly early. I was so exhausted but couldn’t get to sleep straight away which was frustrating. The good mood I’d had all day crashed and I got a bit upset. I was just overtired I think and my brain was in “super-active” mode which is exhausting anyway but on top of a very chaotic day it was almost unbearable. But I recovered and managed to get to sleep eventually.So yesterday was a pretty good day. I’m having a lazy day today though. Lemar (my car) is at the garage getting a service (which my Mum has very kindly offered to pay for). We realised today that the car’s MOT has run out so we’ve booked him (yes, my car is a him!) in for one on Wednesday. Unfortunately that means I won’t be able to drive to my appointment at the volunteer centre on Monday. Grrrrrrr. Also, my car tax runs out at the end of this month so it is turning out to be a very expensive month. Oh well...I’ve had seven hours sleep but all this typing has tired me out. I think I might go back to bed for a bit!  |
| Another great big wave of depression has crashed over me and I just have to go with it until I can get back on my feet. In the mean time I don’t have a whole lot of energy for much so that’s why I haven’t really been around a lot again. Some good things have happened though. Last month was mine and Mark’s third year anniversary. To celebrate we had a day out in London, which was fun, though really tiring! We visited the National Gallery where Mark showed me his favourite painting and went to the Natural History Museum and the Science Museum, which were both interesting. We visited an area where Mark used to live, which I think was a bit strange for him! We also went to King’s Cross Station to try and see the Harry Potter platform 9 and ¾ sign. But there was loads of construction work going on and we think it was covered up. Still, it was a great day!My employment sessions are still going well, even if things are moving a little slowly. I think I’m just impatient! I have another appointment tomorrow, a confidence-building course on Friday and then I’m going to the volunteer centre on Monday. So, busy, busy! Even with all that going on though I still feel pretty bored and useless. I’m depressed about my lack of friends and lack of things to do during the day... basically my lack of a life. My lack of energy and motivation is really getting to me as well. I’m trying to keep up with things as much as I can on WDC. I did my Pond Poetry reviews last month and started work on my official contest reviews today. I’m blogging (haha!) It has been over two weeks since my last blog entry. And that’s all I have to say right now. Hopefully I won’t leave it 19 days before my next entry! |
| My Dad used to know a man who owned a dog who was arguably the happiest dog in the world! This dog was so friendly and good-natured and would wag his tail in such a friendly and good-natured way, almost constantly, that his owner named him Happy-Tail. Unfortunately Happy-Tail wagged his happy tail so much that he somehow broke it and had to have it amputated. However, even this didn’t dampen his spirits and once he’d recovered he would happily wiggle the remaining stump of his tail, almost constantly. His name wasn’t changed to Happy-Stump though. True story! |
| This might seem weird for a writer but I find it very hard to think about how others think, if that makes sense! In fact, just trying to imagine how another person’s mind works makes my own mind darken and threaten to explode. I think this is why I find story writing tougher than poetry and am much worse at it! My characters always feel flat to me and I suppose, really, they’re all just versions of me. This is bad for two reasons: 1. I’m boring, which means character versions of me are boring! 2. Characters should be unique, as real people are. I suppose it’s just something I need to work on. Another thing I have trouble with, which is also probably strange for a writer, is picturing things. My brain is a very aural place, as opposed to a visual place. There is constant chaos in my mind. Even when I’m focused on one thing, I have loads of other things going on in the background, so it’s almost like I have a badly tuned radio sitting in my head. That can often get very annoying, especially when I’m trying to get to sleep! But anyway, back to picturing things. If someone said to me ‘picture an elephant’, I wouldn’t immediately be able to do it. I’d hear the word ‘elephant’ echoing in my head and then I’d have to concentrate hard to mentally “sketch” the image. I don’t know if that’s normal but it seems odd to me! What’s even more bizarre is that I find it extremely difficult to remember or picture faces. I’d be useless as a witness of a crime. My description of the criminal to the police would go something like this: “Well, he had a face with, you know, a nose sort of in the middle and eyes above that. He also had a mouth... and chin. Yeah...” I could remember skin colour, and probably hair colour, but that’s about it! I don't understand how people can give such detailed descriptions to police artists.Thinking about minds makes mine hurt! I’d love to have someone else’s mind for a day, just to see how it works and how it differs to my own. Crazy!!! I really want to ramble on about this subject some more but it's 4am here and I need to get some sleep. |
| Recently I’ve been avoiding going to bed and staying up to ridiculous hours and I’m not really sure why. It’s not because I don’t feel tired and feel like I’d be unable to sleep. I think it’s just that I don’t won’t tomorrow to come, which I know sounds stupid. I don’t know. Anyway, last night (well, at 4am) as I was very bored, and also, as I’ve been in such a musical mood recently, I searched online for fun musical tests and quizzes and ended up taking one from here: http://www.delosis.com/listening/home.html There are two parts to the test and both parts contain 30 pairs of tunes. The idea is to decide whether the pairs are the same or different. I don’t know if it was supposed to be easy but this test felt pretty simple to me and I ended up scoring 28/30 for part 1 and 29/30 for part 2. I actually think I’d have gotten full marks if I’d taken the test at a more civilised hour! Today has been okay. I took my sister to work this morning and then spent an hour practising the piano when I got home. After that I went back to bed and slept for waaaaaaay too long! Jade was supremely irritating on our walk this evening. We took a route we haven’t taken in ages and she kept looking up at me as if I was completely crazy and making her do something unheard of. She also kept drifting across the path in a very vague way, as if she was uncertain about what way to go even though there was only one way to go! Also, after each roll, she just lay there or sat down and wouldn’t move for ages. I think she was just having a tantrum because she doesn’t like that walk route as much as some of our others! But I’m getting bored of the others and want some more variety, so she’s just going to have to put up with it! I have a new poem in my port. A Limerick:
I don’t really write comical poems that often and don’t particularly enjoy writing them, but I think I did okay. It’s a pointless piece but then I don’t think Limericks are supposed to be profound! |
| My Mum recently bought a piano and I’ve been having loads of fun playing it. I haven’t played the piano properly for about twelve or thirteen years so I am extremely out of practise but it’s slowly coming back to me. I can now play three piece competently which I could previously play very well, but I’m getting there. I’m actually considering taking up lessons again. I hated them when I was a child, but I think I would enjoy them now and would actually want to practise in between lessons. I’m so happy to be active on WDC again. I’ve been reading, reviewing and writing. I even looked through the listed contests yesterday and might start entering some of them again soon. I’ve signed up to help judge another official contest (my second time) so I’m excited about that. Who knows, I might even start doing my Simply Positive reviews again. I love being a member of that group but have neglected it for far too long now. I’m taking things slowly though, as I don’t want to burn myself out again. |
I've decided to continue with the Poetic Exploration challenge and here are my recent form poetry efforts:
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I am in an unbelievably BAD mood and have been since last night. I have no idea why and I just can't snap out of it. Every little thing is irritating me and I just want to throw something through a window, scream for about ten minutes straight and then cry for the rest of the day. I think I'll log off then, so I can go and get on with that.  |
| I can’t believe how ill I feel. I’ve had almost constant nausea for a week now and it is really grinding me down. Today is the worst it has been and I really don’t know how it’s possible to feel so sick and not actually be sick. I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow and I actually can’t wait for it. I cannot feel like this for much longer. So today has been awful. I feel really guilty because I wasn’t well enough to take Jade for a walk. I haven’t been well enough to do much of anything really. |
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