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 |  My first blog! |
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A Haunted Place  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Who Am I? Ghoulish and dark, serious and intense Okay, I may have exaggerated a little bit! I'm not that gloomy and miserable. I do know how to have fun and I love to laugh. This is my first blog and I've set it up to help motivate myself to write every day... well, almost every day... well, more often than I write now.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I'm docked at "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond"  , a safe port for bloggers to connect. |
| I’m feeling pretty stressed and frustrated today. I’m going so slow with my contest reviews and have only been able to do one a day for the last few days. Obviously that’s not good when I’m trying to get them done before Christmas. Also, I seem to keep saying the same kind of things in each review, which is getting very boring for me. I suppose it’s just because I have specific tastes and opinions and watch out for the same things in each poem. I don’t know. I try to vary the way I say things, but I’m running out of variations! I’m starting to think I should just award the contest and then review the entries afterwards. That might take the pressure off me a bit and will also mean people are free to edit their work, if they want. Obviously I’ll have judged the original poems in my read-through of the entries and so it won’t matter if I end up sending a review to a slightly edited version. I think this way would be easier. The results can be announced much sooner but everyone will still get their promised review from me. I’m seriously going to consider doing it this way. Then again, although I hate feeling pressured, it does make me get things done and the reviews might end up taking even longer without that extra pressure. Grrrr... now I don’t know what to do! |
Now I finally have time to blog about the art exhibition.  It was truly fascinating and HUGE too! It took Mark and me about 2 hours to get around the whole thing. Although there were only 9 of da Vinci’s paintings (of the 15 or 16 known to exist) there were a range of his drawings on display too, plus works by his pupils and followers. It was very busy but as long as people didn’t mind waiting their turn, you got a chance to see everything clearly. On the whole people were very good-natured and polite, spending a few minutes at the front and then moving away to allow someone else the opportunity to get closer. There were a couple of arrogant idiots, of course, but you get those everywhere! I can’t claim to know anything about art but even I can see what’s special about Leonardo’s work. Though I wasn’t especially taken with any of the paintings on the whole, there was almost always something in each one—a small detail, or a certain aspect—that absolutely blew me away. “The Lady with the Ermine” may appear to have a rather odd-shaped back and shoulder but the expression on her face is so beautifully serene I could hardly bring myself to look away! And though the figure of Christ in the recently rediscovered and restored “Salvator Mundi” looks a bit like a drag queen, the glass orb in his hand is absolutely astonishing. Those two paintings were highlights for me, as was the display of both versions of “The Virgin of the Rocks” in the same room. Being able to compare and contrast the two works was extremely interesting and probably a once in a lifetime opportunity. Due to a misunderstanding and also a ridiculously placed sign, Mark and I accidentally entered the exhibition back to front and got to see the climax first, which was “The Last Supper” (though not the original, which is severely damaged) and several original preparatory studies for it. Seeing it the wrong way around didn’t spoil it for us though! It was truly an amazing day and an experience I will never forget. I’m so grateful that I got to go. But most importantly, I think Mark had a fantastic time and seeing as it was a birthday present for him, that’s the main thing that matters to me.  |
It’s so cold today and I’m putting off walking my dog, which is pretty stupid as it’s only going to get colder and darker. I’m seriously lacking in motivation today.  I hate feeling like this.I’m getting a blood test tomorrow. They’ll be testing for a range of things, I think, but I’m not exactly sure what. Then I’m going for a medical check-up on Monday, which I really don’t want to go to. The people from the mental health service want me to though as they don’t think I’ll be able to handle the psychological treatment until my physical health improves. Apparently I “don’t look well” at the moment and look “frail”. I haven’t felt physically well in a long, long time. I’m dreading it though. I don’t want to get weighed and have to talk about my diet. I don’t want to go on antidepressants again, which I think is going to happen. I just don’t want to go! I want to sleep. I got about ten hours of sleep last night and I still feel like crap. I could easily and happily sleep another ten hours! |
| I need to start blogging regularly again! I’m way too tired to do a proper entry at the moment though but thought I’d do a quick one. I must do a proper entry about the Leonardo da Vinci exhibition soon (but here's the short version: it was AMAZING!) Mark went home today so I’m feeling pretty sad. But I will be seeing him again in a week so that’s good! I have to say, I drove awesomely to and from the station even though it isn’t a regular route and I was very, very nervous about it! I’m waiting for a phone call at the moment, otherwise I would have gone back to bed as I didn’t get much sleep last night. While I’ve been waiting I’ve added three new entries to my "Invalid Item" . I really need to write in there more often too! I’ve also spent some time reading through the poems in my port. Some make me cringe and some make me feel proud! I hope I’ll be able to write new stuff soon.I hope to do some contest reviews later. I’ve slowed right down again because of Mark’s visit but I still think if I put a lot of effort in, I’ll be able to get them done before Christmas. Fingers crossed, anyway... Think I’ll go and get a bit more sleep soon!  |
| I haven’t blogged in two weeks! A lot has happened though. I went to Mark’s and had a great visit. It was his birthday on the 29th of November and I think he had a good day. We had a nice meal out and went to the cinema. I was so excited about giving him his main birthday present—tickets to the Leonardo da Vinci exhibition at the National Gallery in London. It’s “the most complete display of Leonardo’s rare surviving paintings ever held” according to the website and an “unprecedented exhibition—the first of its kind anywhere in the world”. We’re going on the 9th and I’m so excited! I think Mark is too! I had my appointment with the psychologist on Friday which was tough, frustrating and rather pointless. I’m going again next week though I’m not sure why. They’re also arranging for me to see a doctor from their service to sort my medication out and to maybe also get a check-up to make sure my mood and lack of energy isn’t being caused by a physical problem. So lots of fun in store for me! I think my sister’s boyfriend has a bit of a crush on me or is at least extremely fond of me! I’ve thought this for a while now, mostly because I sometimes catch him looking at me in a certain way and sometimes because he just says things that make me wonder about it. Last night, when he was very drunk, he told me he “fucking loves” me! He was also quite “touchy-feely” though not in an inappropriate way. It’s harmless, if I’m right. I know he loves my sister. We just get on very well and I’m very similar to my sister (though minus all the drama!) I’m not worried about it! I’m back into reviewing for my contest and am determined to get it all judged and awarded before Christmas. At the moment I can do four reviews in one sitting before I start going crazy! I’m aiming to build that up though or have two or three review sessions spread throughout the day so I can get as much done as quickly as possible. I can’t wait to choose the winners! |
| I had a contact lens... er... mishap fairly recently which was pretty unpleasant. Don’t read any further if you are squeamish about eyes! Anyway, one of my contacts got lost under my eyelid. It really wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It just felt uncomfortable and was a little worrying but I managed to refrain from panicking. I was able to get it out after about ten minutes but the experience has given me something new to be OCDish about. I wore my lenses on Thursday and when I was trying to get to sleep that night I had this jolting thought that I hadn’t taken them out. I checked my eyes in the mirror and saw there were no lenses over my irises. However, I could not remember taking them out and the harder I tried to think back the more convinced I became that I hadn’t taken them out. But of course I couldn’t see them so then I started to worry that they’d become caught under my eyelids. My eyes were feeling quite sore too so that made my doubts worse and I became a bit panicky. I checked my eyes as best as I could but couldn’t see anything in them. I blinked loads and massaged my eyelids but couldn’t actually feel anything either. That should have been enough to convince me that I did take them out but of course I can’t shake that horrible doubting feeling. Even now, a couple of days later, I still have that feeling. I keep telling myself that if the lenses really were still in my eyes they’d be causing me a lot of trouble by now and I’d know for sure they were there. That doesn’t help though. I’ve checked and re-checked my eyes so many times but there’s nothing there! They feel so sore and I know that’s probably because of all the checking but that stupid part of my brain keeps telling me they’re sore because the lenses are still in. ARGH! It’s maddening. I’m so tempted to see a doctor or an optician but I don’t want to look like an idiot and a time-waster. Also, that’s how OCD works—it makes you need to seek reassurance and getting reassurance just reinforces the obsessive thought, which means I’d probably end up going through all this ridiculousness on a regular basis. I hope that’s not going to be the case anyway.  I can’t see the lenses. I can’t feel them. So why the hell can’t I get rid of these stupid, nagging thoughts? I hate my brain. I hate being me. |
| It seems like every time I run a contest I end up having to apologise for delays in judging and awarding. I feel like a failure. I don’t think I’m going to run "Invalid Item" next year. I love reading the entries and choosing the winners but I hate the reviewing. I know I don’t have to review every entry and that many people would understand if I didn’t, especially as there are 60+ poems to review, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing it like that. I feel that I should review all the entries, and I do want to, even if I find it bloody hard and don’t like doing it! At least it will feel like I’ve achieved something when I’ve finally got it done. A few of days ago I decided to step down from my role as poetry workshop/contest host in the Paper Doll Gang. It was a big decision to make and one that has left me with a heavy heart. It has been a part of my life for almost three years now and I’m sad to let it go. But I also feel a huge sense of relief. My heart just hasn’t been in it the last few rounds and that isn’t fair on the people who take the time to take part. I will miss it though and am so happy that I did it—I learned a lot, met some wonderful people and read some great poetry. I'm sad but I know I’ve done the right thing. |
| Recently I’ve been feeling really anxious about reviewing, or more accurately, anxious about receiving responses to my reviews. If I give a rating lower then 4.5 and include a few criticisms then I actually feel sick with worry when I see the person has responded. Of course my computer always chooses the moment I click open an email to go as slowly as possible to prolong my agony. I just really hate upsetting people. It’s silly, I know. The majority of people who have responded to my reviews have been very polite and friendly. I received a lovely reply today which made me smile. But a couple of days ago I received a not so lovely reply which has really shaken my already pretty shaky confidence in reviewing. That’s not good when I have 60+ entries to review for my contest! But I refuse to give in to the anxiety. I’m not going to stop reviewing and I’m not going to stop being honest in my reviews. I can understand why someone would be upset by a less-than-positive review (I know I don’t like receiving them!) but I can’t understand why they’d respond impolitely to someone who has spent time reading and reviewing their work. I will never understand rudeness! |
| I went back to the mental health service yesterday and was there for about an hour and half again answering a thousand questions that I’ve answered a thousand times before. I must have filled in a million GAD-7 and PHQ-9 questionnaires over the last few years too and could probably complete them in my sleep. I spoke to the same woman as last week and she’s nice though has this way of confusing me and making it seem like I’ve contradicted myself. We went through the same old “you’re not engaging properly” thing again. I tried to explain that from my perspective I am and that I don’t understand where I’m going wrong and it’s all very frustrating. At one point she accused me of trying to control her through my non-engagement which I was really insulted by. I'm not doing it on purpose—like I said, from my perspective I am engaging and whenever I try to explain that I don't understand what they want me to say they say something stupid like "you're not supposed to say anything". She went to get a colleague to see if he could frame the questions in a way that would help me to “engage”. (ARGH!!! Do I not speak or something? I felt sure I was speaking  ). That was a bit pointless though he did admit that I’ve been messed around a lot and that he can understand why I’m pissed off. He also basically admitted that they don’t really know what they’re doing, which was kind of nice to hear in a weird way. I’m so sick of doctors and professionals telling me “you will get through this” and “if you do this you’ll start to feel better” and “it just takes time” blah, blah, blah. That’s a joke anyway—they say it takes time to get better and then only offer six sessions of therapy (or less in my case) before they kick you out to fend for yourself again. I’ve realised over the many years I’ve been trying to get help that nobody really knows what they’re talking about but that guy saying that to me is the only time anyone has ever admitted it.Anyway, they told me to make an appointment with the doctor, which I did this morning. That was horrendously embarrassing as there was a trainee doctor in the room as well. I also had to fill in yet another GAD-7 and PHQ-9 questionnaire! I’ve been prescribed antidepressants again. The woman from the mental health service said she’d call me tomorrow (whether she will or not is another matter). Then they have their stupid meeting on Wednesday where they will hopefully refer me to someone who can actually help me. After that I don’t know what’s going to happen but I do know that I can’t wait months and months for a referral to come through with no support in the meantime, which is probably what I’ll be expected to do as the services around here are so messed up. The whole process of getting help has been so unbelievably humiliating and exhausting. Think I’ll give up if this latest thing doesn’t work...  |
| It seems we don’t just have a fireworks night anymore, but a fireworks season as people seem to have them all through October and November. I think there was a display on at the nearby school a little while ago. They were so loud it seemed like they were being fired off our roof! Poor Jade was terrified and is still shaking now, even though it has been quiet for about 20 minutes. It’s horrible. I can’t stand to see her so frightened and not be able to do a thing about it. Nothing works to comfort her. I made her a little den to hide in, which she did use, but she was still trembling. I’ve had another unbelievably stressful day waiting to hear the outcome of my assessment, but of course they didn’t call. My Mum had a wooden floor put in her room today and my anxiety about having workpeople in the house has gotten so bad that I pretended I had an opticians appointment so my sister would have to deal with them instead of me (my Mum had to go to work). How bad is that?! I feel so bad about lying but I didn’t do it maliciously. I’m just not in the best frame of mind right now. I bought my sister breakfast to ease my conscience!I got my hair cut this evening, in the same boring style I always have! Blah. I’m so tired of being me at the moment. Right now I’m feeling hungry but don’t even have the energy or motivation to sort dinner out. I don’t really have the energy or motivation to do anything except feel sorry for myself. Will this ever end? |
| I’ve been on edge all day waiting for a phone call that never came. You’d think people who specialise in mental illness would know not to mess about someone who suffers from anxiety. If someone says they’re going to do something then they should do it! I’m so nervous about what’s going to happen to me next and now I have to wait even longer before finding out what they’ve decided. I’m so angry. I’m so tired of all of this crap. I really hope they’ll call tomorrow and early too, because I can’t go through another day like today. I’ve done a couple more contest reviews. I was quite shocked when I realised I’ve only done five so far. It feels like a lot more! But then I did spend a lot of time on each of those reviews so maybe that’s why I feel like I’ve done more. Hopefully I’ll start being a bit quicker with them soon though! I think I just need to get some momentum going! |
| If I continue to exist in such a high state of anxiety I'll probably have a heart attack before I turn 25! |
| In my assessment yesterday the lady asked me if I like to be called Jessica or Jess. I said I don’t have a preference but she was quite insistent that I pick one, so I said Jess to which she replied with “yep, I thought you were a Jess.” Um... whatever! Now I wish I’d asked her to call me Jessica because it felt weird when she said Jess and I think I know why. My friends at University called me Jess, and so does Mark and everyone on WDC (or those who don’t call me Ghostranch or Ghost!), but in more formal situations, and by people I don’t know very well, I get called Jessica. But then my family call me Jessica too, so it’s not set stone! It’s weird! I like both names equally but it feels funny when my family call me Jess and it feels funny when Mark (for example) calls me Jessica. And then it feels funny in certain situations to be called one or the other! Am I making sense? I don’t know. Sometimes it makes me feel like I have two identities... Anyway, I’ve tried to keep busy today to try to stop myself dwelling on things. I took Jade for a long walk, which was nice. I’ve made a start on my contest reviews too. I was going to review the entries as they came in but unfortunately that didn’t work out! I’ve also played on Sims 3 a lot today and am enjoying the Pets expansion pack. It was odd earlier though because a meteor hit my sims’ lots and started a huge fire. I’ve never had that before. It was chaos! They have three horses, which all started panicking. After the fire-fighters had been a thing came up saying something like “You guys should be more careful.” Like they could help a meteor falling on their land!  And that has been my day so far. It’s depressing that it’s gotten dark and it isn’t even 6 o’clock yet. |
| So I had another assessment this morning. My 10th one. I can’t believe that! The lady I spoke to was nice though at one point she said “this service works with severe and enduring mental illness and so far I don’t see any evidence of severe and enduring mental illness”. If 10 years of intense, constant depression doesn’t count as severe and enduring mental illness, then I don’t know what does! Anyway, I think she’d changed her mind by the end of the assessment because she’s going to propose in their staff meeting that I see a psychiatrist and/or refer me to the psychology department. She thinks that something needs to be done to lift my mood before I’ll be able to engage in and benefit from any kind of psychological treatment. She’s going to call me on Wednesday to check I’m still alive and also let me know the outcome of the meeting. No doubt whatever happens I’ll have to have another assessment! Yet again whatever I said wasn’t enough. She said although I was answering the questions, we really didn’t have a dialogue going and weren’t having a proper conservation. That confused me! I wasn’t there for a conversation; I was there for an assessment. In an attempt to say something relevant/useful/non-vague I told her about what happened to me when I was 14 but it still wasn’t enough! She kept saying stuff like “I’m interested in what you’re not saying”, “I’m reading your body language but not really getting anything from your answers to the questions”, “I can’t quantify your answers”. Whatever the hell that means! Seriously, what do these people want from me? It is so unbelievably frustrating to be told again and again that I’m not engaging properly when I feel that I am and honestly can’t see where I’m going wrong. I’m very tired now. It was a gruelling process, taking almost an hour and a half. I just want to go back to bed and sleep forever! And now for fun, here are a few "pearls of wisdom" from this morning: “Tears are a gift” ( )“Tears cleanse the depression” ( )“I’ll hold on to hope for you until you are ready to receive it” ( )I hate bullshit like that! |
...I joined writing.com and had no idea that doing so was going to change my life! Yay!  It really doesn't feel like 4 years... |
| I have been discharged from the CBT service again. It’s so unfair. I did my homework. I tried so hard to answer questions. I tried so hard to talk. It wasn’t good enough. My therapist asked me what I want to do now and I said nothing, that I’ve had enough and that I’m done with it all now. She asked me about suicidal thoughts (which I’m lucky to get on a regular basis) and asked on a scale of 0-10 how likely I am to act on those thoughts, with 0 meaning not at all, and 10 meaning extremely likely. I said 0 and she either didn’t believe me or misheard me because she seemed to start panicking. She asked if I could wait while she spoke to a colleague so I did. Then she came back to tell me she’d like to refer me to a different service. One I’ve been to before. So great. I went home and she called me a few hours later to let me know she’s faxed my referral and that they’ll call me. They didn’t. Everyone keeps telling me I have lots of options but they never tell me what they are. I’m just getting passed between the same services because nobody knows how to help me. I can’t put into words how shitty I’m feeling right now. |
My contest closes in 2 days! There are 60 entries, which I think is a very respectable number, but there's room for more! 
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| For a long time now I have been reading a HUGE book: “The Best Poems of the English Language” by Harold Bloom which covers poets between 1343-1932. If I’m honest, I’ve been finding it a challenge and haven’t even got through half of it, even though I probably started it well over a year ago! I’m determined to read the whole thing though. Yesterday I came across a really amazing line in a poem I hadn’t read or even heard of before: “Jubilate Agno” by Christopher Smart. Only parts of the poem are included in the book (I understand it is looooong!) and the line is from fragment B2 in the section beginning: ‘For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry’ Anyway, this is the line I fell in love with: ‘For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it a chance’ And the reason I love it so much is because it made me view something in a completely different way. I’ve always thought the way cats play and tease their prey is cruel; I have never thought of it in this way before. That’s what poetry should do! It should put a different spin on something and show something in a new light. This was a real “wow” moment for me!  Today has been quite a tough one. I had an appointment with my employment advisor and confessed to him that after all the progress I made when I first started going there, I now feel stuck. He was so sweet I just wanted to cry! He said he’d noticed a difference in me from my first few sessions but told me I will start moving forward again. My goals for this fortnight are not employment related but necessary. I’m supposed to see my GP about the way I’m feeling (and maybe start taking medication again) and also continue with my CBT sessions. We’ve decided it would be best to put the volunteer work on hold until I’m feeling more stable. That makes me feel a bit disappointed in myself and frustrated, but also a little relieved. The rest of my day has been pretty boring. One thing though, my sister and her boyfriend have made a couple of jokes about my lack of a social life and friends recently which has really upset me. They don’t mean it maliciously—they’re not like that—but it still gets to me. It’s true. Apart from Mark, I don’t have any offline friends anymore, and Mark lives in Cardiff which means I have zero social life most of the time. It’s lonely and it hurts... a lot. And I hate that other people notice it and wonder about it. I hate that people probably feel sorry for me. I feel sorry enough for myself, I don’t need other people’s pity dragging me down! I’ve spent the evening watching way too much TV and now I’m doing that thing where I avoid going to bed when I really should... One last thing... if anyone has read this far... I’m very down at the moment and finding it hard to respond to emails. Sorry if you’re waiting for a reply from me. I hope to get back on track as soon as possible. |
| According to Wikipedia ‘A mondegreen is the mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase as a result of near homophony, in a way that gives it a new meaning. It most commonly is applied to a line in a poem or a lyric in a song.’ (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mondegreen) I have a habit of mishearing song lyrics so I thought I’d share some of my more... er... interesting and entertaining misinterpretations! 3 Speed by the Eels: ‘I looked up at the sky last night And I thought I saw her bum!’ Is in actual fact: ‘I looked up at the sky last night And I thought I saw a bomb.’ Losing My Religion by REM: ‘What if all your dentistry starts falling out?’ Not quite! It is of course: ‘What if all your fantasies start flailing a round’. Silver and Gold by U2 ‘A bright spider in a corner is told’ I now know this is: 'A prize fighter in a corner is told’ Never Fit by Gandalf Murphy and the Slambovian Circus of Dreams ‘Shave a biscuit in the rain’ I still don’t know what the real lyric is! I’m pretty sure it isn’t about shaving a biscuit though!Stay (Faraway, So Close!) by U2 'I’ll put the sky back’ Sounds nice but I knew it wasn’t quite right because the next part is ‘and the radio’. It just seemed a little odd. I eventually found out that the line is: 'Up with the static' I prefer mine! There are many more but I find these ones the funniest!In other news, I wrote a poem today. This is BIG! Poetry is so difficult for me at the moment. Anyway, here it is:
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| Depression levels are high. Anxiety levels are high. Loneliness levels are high. Exhaustion levels are off the radar. I don’t know why I don’t just go to bed—it’s 3am after all! But my crazy brain works in this ridiculous crazy way and convinces me that if I keep myself awake as long as possible, tomorrow won’t come. Somehow, unfortunately, it never works... Will this ever end? Will I ever beat it? Am I always going to have depression? I ask these questions all the time but am way too scared to consider them properly. I feel so crappy. I feel I need to ask for help but my doctor has left and I just can’t face going in and speaking to someone else, someone who doesn’t know me or my history. Not that there would be any use in asking for help even if my doctor hadn’t moved away... nobody knows how to help me! I’m frightened... But however much this... thing grinds me down and makes me want to DIE I am still here. There is something inside me that refuses to let me give up. I don’t understand why. I don’t understand any of this crap anymore. All I can think about these days is my weariness. I’m too weary to fight now and that’s why I’m not getting anywhere with CBT. I’m just letting things happen. I’m just existing. Everyone keeps telling me I’m the only one who can help me really. I have to want it. Maybe I don’t want it. I don’t know. The problem is I just don’t know. Don’t think I’m even making sense. I’ll go to sleep now and wake up late tomorrow and start the whole damn process again. I don’t even want to be happy... I used to wish for that... I just want a normal, boring, straight-forward life. |
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