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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I'll be blunt and cut straight to the chase-I haven't been up to feeling much lately. There have been some personal things that have been bringing me down, and as always, I'm having high anxiety with a lot of things, and perceiving people to believe things I don't know they're actually believing or not. My head has been fucking with me for a little while now, and sometimes, the truth is worse than what the fiction in my head is. I'm seeing things apathetically right now, which kinda sucks. I want to change it, but...I dunno. I'm not entirely sure how to. Mental health is a tricky tight rope that you have to walk carefully every day. Some days I can zoom to a better spot. Some days I'm tentative and scared to move a foot, and some days I just don't give a fuck and want to fall off the rope altogether. Can't do that though. Gotta stay on the rope-if not for me, for the kids at least. Sometimes I have to be sure to remind myself that. Every once in awhile, when the shadows sit for a bit, the darkness looks like a friendlier place than the light with all the people and the bullshit. Ugh, I swore I wouldn't come in here like this. I'm mucking it all up. Anywho. To recap-not in the best of places right now, but trying. Physical health is getting better, albeit hindered by extra weight, which I have finally realized how I've gained so quickly. I let me primary care physician know that I was extremely interested in taking another a1c, which she granted me that day. 4 months earlier, I had taken it, and found out that it was really high. it was a 12.8. I've never been that high in my life, and that frightened me. She was scared, I was scared, my body was having issues, and that was when I finally broke down and decided it was time to hit the endocrinologist, because I wasn't going to live like this much longer, if at all. With the last 4 months of insulin therapy and some changes, a few additions to my medicine, we saw a HUGE difference. My labs came in today, and I found that I'm at a 7.5 now. That's a 5.3 difference, which is HUGE. If I was just .8 less, I would be in the non-diabetic range. I'm not going to lie, the work has been really fucking hard. Especially because I hardly ever take my glucose meter with me, and because I don't usually follow my insulin regimen when outside the house. I've learned that both of those are no longer an option though. I take it all with me, glucose meter and necessities, needles, swabs and vials. Sometimes I'm a traveling pharmacy, but it's necessary to make sure I never see 12.8 again. I was lucky that the worst that was happening to me at the time was some abscesses on my skin. My eyes are still good through it all, and other things are still relatively fine. I think that's because I have age on my side right now. I'm sure if I were 20 years older, I wouldn't be in as good a position as I am now. So as you can see, there are some things out there that I'm glad about.  Thanksgiving is upon us tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure the house is ready for it. Not to say that we're expecting guests, as we're not, but I still have dishes that need to be washed for tomorrow's usage, and I also have a couple of large boxes overflowing with cookie materials that need to be put together. I'm not sure if I'm in quite the right mindset right now to be able to pull either of these two feats off, especially by myself. I'm hoping that there will be some grace from everyone tomorrow, and that my shadow walker, Mr. Ryan, will guide me back to the path of the light tomorrow so we can work together to get tomorrow done. I've birthed my own therapist. Crazy. I love this kid though, he sees what the rest don't, and he knows just what to do to get me to the safe side. I'm very lucky to have him. As far as tomorrow goes, I'm very thankful to have what I do at this time. Even when things change. Even when things go south. Life ebbs and flows, and all we can do is hold onto something and let the waves pass and see where we've moved to. |
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