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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| How bad do I have to feel to hit rock bottom. I cough and cough without end. I ache. Work beckons and yet how can I sleep. Be with me God. I desperately need hope. |
| How did it happen? I cough and can barely breath or sleep. Wiil the angst ever end? I feel awful. As I keep trying to figure out what to do next my body cries for rest. I am scheduled to work at least two days. I pray God gives me strength or wisdom to say no to the madness that lurks inside my diseased body. Will it ever end? |
| Still have another day to look forward to. I try to focus on my parents stories. Mom constantly saying never give up, realizing she gave up riches to help her children know what it meant to be rich. Dad was all about work. You know faith by how it works. He was there when you needed him to be there. He cared as much as he could. The main truth is to know you are loved even if there are days you wonder if it is possible. |
| I awaken to a sleepless song. At what point do I let go and let God. I struggle. I pray and in the midst of a sleepless stupor wonder if anyone listens. God take my struggle as a gift that leads others to you. Out of the broken pieces that define my journey disperse Messengers of light that give hope for eternity. |
| Healing takes time and then one has to decide from what. My daughter gave me a thumbs down on an article I shared about how men were suffering from inadequate male role models, confined to surviving under female influence. I am sure she saw it as an assault on woman who have done the best they can. I am faced with fighting my own battle without knowing who I might hurt or offend along the way. I certainly did not mean to get her roused from sleep. I was left with her own concession. That I have a right to my own experience and so does she said I in reply. What is most interesting is there never will be a commentary on how girls suffer from a lack of motherhood resources. In my own agency world women take care of intellectually disabled females men never getting any opportunity that way. On the other hand women continue to caregiver men in a leadership role and are bold and brazen about how well they do it. It is time for me to grow up. My wife needs me to be there for her and my family needs me in different ways also. Let culture fight the battle I will never win, to care and love those who might not otherwise know God's love AMEN!!! |
| I continue to feel awful just when yesterday seemed to be the worst day. I have a sore throat and am cought and can not sleep. It is good to know nice things can happen. For example I got to take a resident to see his girlfriend. But what does it mean for men to be raised by women? |
| Part of me coughs and another lays down for well over a thousand breaths without coughing or sleeping. God give me strength. It is getting harder to stay the course. Your will not mine be done. |
| Now it gets dicey. I am faced with working a lot in a short time with the only hours for overtime available. I may also decide if it is worth the trouble. I pray for rest. God give me rest. Help me know that all I do is for your glory and prepares me for the next sermon, whenever it is. Give me sleep God as I have never known it before. Let me sleep knowing you supply the energy to keep me going. |
| Recovery is painful. I pray I survive another day. Last night was more threats of stormy weather as my main charge Hoodwinked me into giving him a marker and at that point I felt very torn apart. The issue revolved markers he said he stole from maintenance and then one of the staff takes pens and markers from him. I am sure it happens a lot in this man's world and he has dementia which some person's think he uses as a source of getting entitlement. So I give him a couple markers bsck, because the whole thing seems so bombastic. Who is the victim in all this? I feel irked more than anything by the spur to the crisis. He is not forthcoming about whether he took meds and staff says because of this I take clothes to wash and pens that have been in his possession for too long. What will come of this? Who knows? I am recovering from a cold, as I seek to understand what recovery means in the land of the intellectually disabled. Namely recovery of dignity and a remembrance of what it means to be truly human. |
| Will it ever end. I am still in recovery mode halfway thru the month. It has been quite the year. I feel it in my throat, chest and in my left ear. My energy level is down as is my mood. My funds have slipped below 6 thousand. Oh well, that is what I get for worrying so much. I need to take one day at a time!!! |
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