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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| Crippled communication is where I am at. No one seems to know where I am coming from as much as I do. It is fearful to be so isolated and constantly looked at one who is so fumbled. I guess I can keep trying to share at deep levels. It may help to get back into writing and regain a sense that people see what I am seeing and also want to see what I am seeing. It is so much easier just going to church, playing a game or going to work. |
| I am doing myself a favor. I am working at Walbridge. What will it lead to? The shift begins as I prepare to sleep. I am called to do a rescue and there is no milk. Of all things to be gone. I did enjoy along the day talking to my sister Lori and Kurt. I need to keep in touch to be happy. Where is the milk? Will I survive this shift.,? |
| I made it through a grueling day 15 minutes short of 40 hours overtime. I am tired and my body mind and soul are rung out. It was good to see my wife in good spirits when I got home. She got hair done and she was feeling good about herself. She often talks about going month without bathing. It is frustrating. I am glad she goes forward. I catch a barb and then she tells me how much she loves me. Work was long. I did meds and then transportation from move and then got to see a basketball game with a client. I am a survivor. I survive even the act of surviving. So what does this mean going forward? |
| Too much sugar means I feel the effects when I overdo and I ate chocolate and cake way too often. Seven mints and as many kit Kats chips and food. My joints feel it. Before I went on the sugar binge I felt near normal in my joints. I felt it especially in my short walk. I need to leave the debate to debaters and look for a group that can draw out compassion. Lord give me strength |
| The dog is sick and I guess this should concern me. Instead my mind drifts to needing to spend more time at work, hoping to pay bills or survive. I still have no clue what I am surviving for, the essence of my plight. Maybe the greater truth is that I do not want to be sick with little purpose uncared about. Buddy has one person alarmed by all this and she is the only one who matters. Time slips by, how will the dog or any of the rest of us be remembered |
| Redemption means that I can see good in a life that others can only wonder at. I am left wondering what leads to my propensity for blurred communication. No one sees what I want to say which is grandiose and morbidly depressed. Who are we as God sees us to be. I go forward trusting that I will learn much like the anticipation of birth why God has s hand on me in such a way others can have hope. |
| Oh well it happened and it happens. I am in the throes of not knowing when people will show up and what it means to me that they did not. Am I good enough? Am I worthy of Mercy? I keep wondering how much longer Lord. I found out today dad was one half year from retirement. I am a year and one half and grow weary. How will I know when to stop. Is Good using my present experience to prepare me for what will come next. Maybe dreams come true. |
| I have felt so much joy after I had opportunity to share my story. God is good. I have come through so much and look forward to things getting better. Here I am. I have another overnight with hours to kill. Yet there is a reminder of an oasis in the desert. I go on social media and find myself sharing a story with someone I do not know. I realize I have come a long way and yes I am healing even as I type the word healing. It is a reminder of the potential for new birth in every moment. I can only experience the moment and trust better days are ahead. |
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