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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| Better up, and yet only a few days from a long drive. We ended the month better than last and yet it is hard to be optimistic. I am tired. I have a sermon at the end of June on psalm 138. It will be what does it mean for God to offer praise thru us. It makes sense. It is where I am at. I am in a new place. I see the landscape. I am or was in the State hospital for what reason going forward. Look what God has done and now what? Won't it be wonderful to find out?? |
| Quirky is how I feel at the moment. How do I get a rise out of anyone daring to read or even wanting to read. I am tired in my own fox hole I have created for myself. I am very tired, working and working. Help me stop knowing what I have done is enough. |
| Finally a rest after many days of working overtime. I am getting too old for this. I have enjoyed rest, but for the most part feel fragmented. My wife is very sick. In the course of this she has problems with her bank and accuses me of nagging to find out what is happening. I am also distressed about our taxes being in limbo and again she says I nag her. Every thing is out of control!! |
| In line means I go forward trusting God will get me there. I am broken and yet not giving on me I can become with others more whole |
| Sleepy again for whatever reason. Lots of days off. Hopefully better days ahead and more money than usual for this time of year. Time will tell. Another vacation on the horizon!! |
| Another day and maybe that is reason enough to move on. Some days I feel so stuck. It is like I am running in place. I pray that in those times I know God is running in my place with me making the burden lighter. |
| Could I be healing? I go to work and something feels better and it makes absolutely no sense. I walk in and for whatever reason I know what to do and even the wrong I do is not crippling and in some respects is even liberating. Some thoughts: 1. I am with a population that I can relate to. I never feel too stupid. I realize that others live with labels that I have tried to endure. 2. I can say what I feel and see what happens. I for example comment on how the painnters make the house into chaos and there is a quip that the painter has the same name Gary as myself. 3. My sweater is inside out and I feel foolish. The manager makes light of it as being a new style. I laugh at myself. Putting it on wrong is not end. 4. Life is journey. I like the idea of taking these guys to another place. It reflects my own definition of life. 5. I laugh when I consider I have no talent for a talent show. Yet I can work overnight. I am reminded of my singing talent by my manager. 6. Dinner is cooking as I arrive. I am not overwhelmed by the task. I do what I can. I am creative. |
| Now what?, I find myself on the edge of determining what will make my life enjoyable. Yesterday was a case if how that works. I had been working ridiculous hours and was feeling tired only to be told, no time off for you. In so many words I am deflated and in the second breath I overhear how someone can have comp time for extra hours they worked as if they are special. I do not know how much longer I can sit on the sidelines and hope things one day go my way. I am feeling old today and yet there is a sense where no one cares. I wake up to work a day and then I die. |
| Sleepy, will it ever end? There is so much worry and concern, will it ever end? My obsession with finances is abusive. I pray to make it thru another day. |
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