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A blog about living life in a depressed state everyday... |
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Welcome to my life. I am a pretty ordinary person. I have a home which I am currently sharing with my daughter and her small family IE kid and boyfriend. I work the night shift at a tape factory which means when I am not at work my favorite hobby is sleeping. I am single and hardly date which means not at all. I have a cat, Harley Quinn and a dog, Moose. Though I am single I have been in a lifelong relationship with depression. There have been times when I have willed myself out of bed, and others when I could not even do that. Several years ago I lost my mother and both sisters to different forms of cancer all within a year of each other, one of them dying on Christmas Eve. This did nothing to help my depression and actually was a catalyst in picking up an old addiction that I had laid to rest for nearly two years. The beloved fight with the bottle. Not drinking near as much as I used to but drinking more than I need to. I am the head of my family because all the adults are dead. This means that the kids are running the candy store seeing that those of us who are still here have never really grown up enough to be responsible to head anything. However I am the oldest living relative so that makes me the head. Where as my Mom and sisters would handle things I just try to keep everybody calm and out of jail. For the most part we all do our own thing but we still rely on each other emotionally, that makes us close. I have never been married because I believe men cannot handle my mood swings, well the ones I have known anyway. Yes, I have had my share of relationships, one dysfunctional relationship right after the other. The last one lasted a little over 6 years. It was inevitable it would end for he was just as crazy as me. As I mentioned before I have a child, a daughter who I believe is just as depressed as I am. I say that because she acts exactly like me. She can also be quite the moody little dickens. She and her boyfriend live here with me along with her little girl. Her boyfriend is a good guy. He has a twin brother and both of them have aspirations of being actors. You can scoff and laugh but for living in a little Podunk town like this they have managed to get acting gigs. Yes they are extras but they are getting bigger parts all the time. Cannot go in to any details about their last endeavor, but the casting director asked them to come and film a few days. I know it's not a big part but it is a speaking part and it is something. Like I said, very impressive considering where we live which is right in the middle of anywhere America. I have four nieces and two nephews who will make appearances from time to time in this blog. Unlike most cousins and aunties we all grew up together, because my parents had me late in life when my two sisters were half grown, I am a year and a half older than my oldest niece. This was something I used to hold over her head with great pride when we were younger. I find myself nowadays not mentioning it so much seeing as how I keep getting closer and closer to fifty. My oldest niece and middle niece live here where I do. My other two nieces live in Florida. They are my oldest sister, Janey's kids. I also have two n'er do well nephews who live in Tennessee. They are the sons of middle sister Dana. I don't see them as much as I like but they both live lives of such turmoil, chaos, and drama I find the less I know about what is going on the better. Each of my nieces and nephews have children. They range in ages from 29-7. Some of their children have children making me and 3 of my nieces grandmothers. So why do I feel the need to make this blog. I don't know except that writing has always been cathartic for me. It is a way to let off steam and express myself. A means by which I calm down. My biggest problem with writing is trying to figure out how to wrap something up so I can move on to the next idea. So here it is. My blog, Depressed. |
| I had a request in my email today to continue on with my blog... I was writing away last month this month not so much. I don't know why either. I think maybe I am still being a little down thinking of my mom. Had she lived she would have been 89 years old on the 12th of this month. My dad if he was still alive would be 94 in August. Its is hard to think of my father as a little old ninety something year old man. He was 64 when he died. I know for some of you young people out there that is old, but believe me it is not. He was on the back side of middle age and never made it through. I will be 64 in 16 years. Sixteen is not a long time at all when you are on the backside of 40. You have already seen it pass 3 times in your life when you get to be my age. I wonder what my mom would be like in her nineties. She was a little old lady when she died at the age of 81. It is hard to believe 8 years have almost passed since she died. I think I am too obsessed with death. I know it is understandable considering my primary family is all deceased, but I just can't help thinking what they all would be like. I have this sort of phobia about approaching 50 since neither one of my sisters made it out of theirs, I should really get some professional help. This is no way to live a life... On the good news front I mentioned back in a January post I believe that my oldest niece was having to get a hysterectomy. Just to clear things up I am a year and half older than her. My mom had me late in life and my sister had her kids early in life. As a result we all grew up together, my nieces, nephews and myself. So yeah I am old enough to have a niece who is old enough to have a hysterectomy. As a matter of fact me and three of my nieces are grandmothers. All of us are in our forties, a couple of us are not there for very long. But anyway her surgery went well, they got all the cancer. The only side effects she seems to be having are severe hot flashes. Her doctor put her on hormones but they don't seem to be helping her too much. She is a lot more emotional than she used to be. But I am just relieved everything went well. Being raised the way we were my nieces are more like sisters to me and my nephews like brothers. I don't want to lose anyone else. Not to cancer. I would probably lose myself if cancer took one more from me. Also I had a wonderful time with my granddaughter this weekend. Her parents were at a Cosplay event in another state for the weekend, and I babysat. She is so adorable. Yes I am biased but she is just this bright funny bundle of energy that I believe was sent from heaven to bring joy to this broke down heart. Love her to the moon and back. I also got to hold the newest member of our family, my great nephew's 3 month old daughter. See this is one reason why I believe in God, he took away 3 and sent us in the past 4 years 5 brand new souls. I think he sent them to us so we wouldn't be so sad over losing the three women who meant everything to our family. I miss them dearly and yet I believe before these little lives came to us my mom and two sisters held them for us. I know it sounds weird but I believe God is that loving toward us. I don't really have anything else on my mind right now, so I guess I will stop writing. I will try to make a better effort in keeping up my blog. |
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The so called hormones were like a wasps nest inside me. 
