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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Nine Inch Nails Song: The Only Time [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]  "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: Make a list of the top five most important virtues and why.I looked up the definition of virtue because I thought it was the same thing as values.  I found that virtue is moral excellence, so I'm already off on a bad start with this prompt. Because my idea of a moral compass is a lot different than a lot of people's. I don't care what anyone is preaching. I don't care about shallow, surface-level proclamations of moral superiority. Full stop. It's simple: How do you treat other people? How do you treat people when they can do nothing for you? How do you treat people who don't have the same belief system as you - people who have different religions and different cultures? How do you treat people when no one is watching? How do you treat someone when, in plain view of others who are on your side, that person is in the minority (be it because of their beliefs, their skin color, their sexuality, their opinion on a big decision at work, their sports team preference, etc.)? What do you do for the world? Do you go out of your way to help others? When there is an option to help someone and another option to walk away and either option requires little effort, which do you choose? Do you choose to put yourself above the greater good? Do you refuse to inconvenience yourself for the benefit of any person who isn't you? What are you doing to put others before yourself? Would you suffer, even mildly, for the benefit of others? Would you sacrifice a single thing, at all? Things I don't want to hear ever again in life:  How someone's religion makes them morally superior to others, especially when in day-to-day life and through personal interactions, they don't follow any of the tenets of their own religion. (Negative bonus points if they don't even know the tenets of their religion). People explaining how, despite the fact that they have ZERO education in the field, they happen to be smarter than experts because they googled stuff or saw an infographic on social media. (And P.S. the experts are for some reason trying to hurt you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ No explanation there, it's just what we've decided).The amount of times I've been spoken to about moral goodness by someone and then witnessed them, either as a firsthand participant or from a distance, absolutely just ripping into someone with real hatred in their heart is astounding. And while I'm on the topic, people do watch you from a distance. People watch the way that you interact with other people. When you tell them, "Bless be to all" and then turn around with, "Except [insert entire group of people here]," you have lost all credibility as someone who is morally sound. Example: The most important thing we can do is be there for each other during this difficult time with an open heart and a ready smile.  ...10 minutes later... If you don't want to catch the CHINA VIRUS then you can stay at home forever hahah. Oh, you'll lose your job? Oh well, your decision!  proceeds to go to the grocery store without a mask and cough on all of the produce Shrug your moral superiority complex immediately if you ever do anything even remotely similar to the above OR if you encourage anything similar to the above by promoting people who say things like this. What really gets me about it isn't even the difference in views. I can accept that people are going to have different opinions than me. What I can't accept is the complete and utter lack of empathy for human life. I've heard the craziest shit. "The virus isn't even that bad! Yes, I do understand that 140,000+ people have died in our country in 5 months. It's mostly old people anyway." "Oh, you have an underlying condition? Too bad for you, I guess. No, I won't do anything that could protect you in anyway. P.S. I won't be getting a vaccine whenever that comes out." Honestly, never again in life should you say something feigning any type of moral virtue. I don't need someone to tell me that they're fair, honest, kind, generous, forgiving, responsible, tolerant, respectful, and accepting. I need them to show these virtues. Another option is to not be virtuous. That's a thing too. But it seems difficult to find people who will be like, "Nope, I'm just a pretty bad person. Other people? Nope, hate them all. Actually want them dead." So, what are my 5 top five most important virtues? 1. Whatever 2. Makes 3. People 4. Behave 5. Virtuously My moral standing is lying down. |
Artist: Silversun Pickups Song: There's No Secrets This Year [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write a letter to your fifteen-year-old self.I almost noped right out of this prompt. Not because it's a bad prompt, but because I feel like I've answered variations of it several times in my various blogs. But I decided instead of just writing something totally off-topic, I'd let 15-year-old me speak for himself. So, last night I digged... dug? I dug out some of my old journals. I digged out some of my old journals? Fuck, I don't know. I have some of my old journals here. And I have one that covers some of 2007 when I was 15 years old. The closest date I could get to July 21 was July 11th of 2007. I wasn't writing too frequently then, apparently. It was a Wednesday. I always put the date at the top of my journal entries. So, I'm gonna type out this entry and you'll see what 15-year-old me was up to. My parents didn't get home until like 9:30 last night and I was already in my bedroom by then. Mike said that Dad seemed to be in a decent mood. Or at least he was talkative and stuff. Then he went to bed and I came out to the living room. I asked Mom how their dinner went. She said, "Fine." She didn't seem like she wanted to talk about it at all. So I just left it alone. Today she talked to me though. I was sitting outside on the far corner of the porch reading on the side steps. She came and sat next to me and said my dad still doesn't know what he's going to do. He told her he doesn't want to move out for a temporary separation if they will ever get divorced. She said he doesn't see the point in it if they're going to get divorced anyway. And he said he deserves the house and the farm because he's the one that puts the time into maintaining it. So she told him he could have it. I don't know why she told him that. That's a lot of money she would be losing out on. She said she thinks he just doesn't want to move out no matter what. Mike said the same thing to me later. That my dad has been talking about a lot of projects on the house and around the property that would take a long time to do. It's just a weird situation. I don't know what will happen. She said if he decides to stay here, we will move. So either way we will be away from him soon. Oh my sweet summer Charlie.  I really thought that they'd get separated and we would be away from him at last. In some ways, I was right that I would be away from him soon because obviously I got kicked out not too long after that.But see, this is why I don't want to write a letter to myself at fifteen. I was dealing with a lot of shit that a fifteen year old shouldn't deal with. Talking so nonchalantly about the impending divorce of my parents because I had been through it so many times before. I just didn't care. No empathy whatsoever. Talking about my mother losing money and the logistics of separation rather than anyone's feelings on the matter. I don't know what I could even say to my 15-year-old self. I think I handled it well. So your heart's blown open, pulsating in your ear, The beat is insincere I'll tell you a secret, let's make this perfectly clear, There's no secrets this year |
Artist: Passion Pit Song: Carried Away [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: In 1969, Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon. Afterward, people commonly complained, “If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they ______.” How would you finish that statement today?Don't get political, don't get political... It will be interesting to see how people respond to this one. Alright, it might touch on current events just a little. We'll see how it goes... If they can put a man in the moon, why can't they... have a mail-in voting option everywhere? Say it with me: Closing voting places without offering alternatives so that people have to miss work, commute, and stand in line for 9 hours to vote is voter suppression. figure out health insurance? Why is dental separate from health? Why do I pay hundreds of dollars a month for insurance that has several thousand dollars in deductible before I can even use it? have sustainable, affordable alternatives to fuel? There has to be a way? I feel like there are a lot of vested interests in not solving this issue. get people to come together for a common goal? I mean, seriously... Why can't we agree that climate change is bad and we should try to take action to help? Why can't we agree that it exists at all? We can't agree to attempt to social distance and wear face coverings during a pandemic where 140k people have died in our country alone? We can't even agree to try that and see if it helps? have healthier, cheaper food options? I remember eating mashed potatoes that tasted like they had about a pound of salt in them in the lunchroom. There should be way more healthy foods that are cheaper and easier to make. I eat pretty healthy, but it's very expensive and time consuming. A lot of people don't have that option. produce printers that work? I'll leave us lighthearted with the most common sense response. Got a printer for school and it sucked. Decided to use the school printers instead, they also suck. Got an office job, every printer there works about 30% of the time. We'll go all digital before we get printers that work.I realized this entry is very American-centric for the most part.  It's actually a more difficult prompt than it seems at surface level because some things wouldn't make sense, like "ending world hunger" would cost a lot more than going to space. And half the bad or inconvenient things that exist are existing by design. So the response to 90% of the answers are that the solution wouldn't benefit those in power.  Meds are kicking in and I'm overthinking. Justify your thesis, certain that you need this Tell me what your point is in defense |
Artist: Hozier Song: Shrike [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Besides writing, tell us about a hobby you have. How did you discover it? How long have you been doing it?Did we have a prompt about hobbies or am I losing it? I could've sworn I wrote about my hobbies this month. Hang on... Ohh, I see. I wrote about my hobbies during the prompt about inspiration: "Invalid Entry" . I have a lot of hobbies that I kind of cycle through. I don't ever become amazing at any of them because I have so many. I don't put enough time into any one thing to become super skilled at it. I have a few different categories of hobbies. Creative Hobbies Writing, obviously. But also drawing, digital painting, music (before I started selling my instruments off for textbooks), puzzles, journaling. All of my hobbies come from the same place. "Oh, hey, that would be cool if I could play that/draw that/write like that." I also need a lot of different things going on at once to get the creative release that I want. I like doing puzzles because I like recreating an image. I like journaling because I like having a record of what was going on with me at any given moment. Like SB Musing  has mentioned, it's like your own personal proof of what happened and that's really important for people who have a history of trauma or have been gaslit. Distraction Hobbies Movies, reading, listening to music, video games, podcasts. All the things that I can escape into for a while and forget whatever's going on in the real world. In 2020, the news is very difficult to escape. I always have someone saying, "Did you see this?" Or just texting me a news article. My mother texts me every day with the new virus numbers for her state and mine.  But if I can just put some music on, get away from the internet, and read a book... that's nice. Or just put a movie on and get rid of all the electronics so that no one can report anything new, it's the only way to relax this year.Educational Hobbies Learning foreign languages, history, mathematics, accounting, science, programming, spreadsheets. I absolutely love learning. During my summer breaks in university, I'd always be doing some online coding program or learning about data analysis. If you can have hobbies that are educational, you can use them in other areas of your life. I used Excel during school to do things more quickly and now I'm a step ahead at work. People think I'm some kind of spreadsheet guru even though I'm totally not. Educational hobbies make me feel more accomplished than other hobbies a lot of the time because what you learn is transferrable.Outside Hobbies Going for walks, traveling/road trips, going to museums/bookstores/aquariums/concerts/parks, shopping, going out on the lake. You know, all the things we did in the Before Times. There are so many art museums, science museums, history museums in the city. We used to park downtown and just walk around finding different things to do... hole in the wall restaurants, little niche local shops and all that. That's not really something we've been doing this year because a lot of places are closed, no concerts to go to, etc. Also, we're trying our best to avoid other people. Maybe next year though! Remember me, love, when I'm reborn As the shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn |
Artist: Coheed and Cambria Song: Mother May I [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Have you ever boycotted a company or product? If so, tell us the story. If not, what would a company have to do for you to boycott its products?Just to update, I talked to my doctor and he said to stay home this weekend and they'll do a COVID test Monday if I'm still sick. He said it just sounds like a mild upper respiratory infection, but can't rule out the virus, of course. It's annoying because I've been completely isolated except going to the grocery store (with a mask) for months. Hopefully just a summer cold or something.So, anyway... boycotting companies. Ah, isn't that always fun. The thing about boycotting a company is that you're like, "Oh, this brand is offensive to humanity so I'm not buying any of their products! Then you find out that brand is a subsidiary of a conglomerate corporation and you can't boycott them unless you stop buying, like, everything that's in the store. I mean, just look at this chart and figure out how you're going to boycott Nestle, one of the most evil corporations in existence. It is doable, but it's difficult, and that's just one of the major corporations that control pretty much all of our food. If you plan to boycott all of them for their egregious deeds, I hope you've got a great farm.This is a difficult topic for me not to soapbox rant about, but it's infuriating. These corporations act with flagrant disregard for human life. They're soulless. Nestle, for example, has been caught stealing and selling water that it has no rights to numerous times. Stealing from indigenous villages in Canada, stealing from drought-stricken areas in the US. They take the community water supply of these places and sell it for billions of dollars. It's beyond disgusting. Imagine sitting in a boardroom thinking this is a reasonable way to make money. I won't rant about every corporation that I hate, but suffice to say that I hate most large corporations. If you name one, I can probably write an entire entry of grievances. P.S. Bayer infected thousands of people with HIV .OK, focus, Charlie. The problem with boycotting is that these major corporations own almost everything you can find on the shelves of a store. In order to find things not made my major corporations, you can buy locally, which is great and all, but it's often difficult to find what you need, when you need it, at a reasonable price point. Also, try having things like internet without using service from a large corporation. Or getting medication without those dollars going to an evil pharma-overlord. You just can't. Sadly, small businesses are the easiest to boycott. Have a bad experience? Just don't go back and then that company doesn't receive your money anymore. You can't do that with corps that own almost everything. That isn't to say that you can't attempt to boycott certain companies, to the best of your ability at least. Maybe they'll get $5 from you instead of $30. Anything helps, I guess. I pay attention to company's politics. Company leaders come out and defend something racist, homophobic, sexist, or just shitty? Thanks for letting me know to avoid your product, I guess. Goya is my most recent one. CEO coming out to praise a president of a country with 140,000 people dead during the middle of a pandemic that he is still saying will "just disappear"? Not a good look. By the way, there's an app for this called Buycott . You just scan a barcode and it tells you which corporation owns the product and gives you information about the corporation + any sustainable alternatives. So if you are interested in "voting with you wallet" as they say, it's pretty interesting. And in their asking, did you see their lie The motive, true and earnest side? |
Artist: Ceschi Song: Say Something [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: How important is the role of music in your life and in your creative process? Do you write to music? If so, what kind and why do you think it helps?I'm feeling super not great today. Feels like I'm getting sick which makes me very paranoid in the current, um, climate... But I'm also working way too much and not sleeping or eating or whatever else you're supposed to do to take care of yourself. It just gives me a lot of anxiety to have those kind of symptoms. The weekend can't be here soon enough. Music... Yeah, I'm definitely going to need to read entries on this one.  In case it isn't clear from the music in all of my entries... music is quite important to my life. I listen to music all day while working. I used to have a last.fm when that was a popular thing. I had like 40,000 song plays in a year, which is around 110 songs a day or around 7-8 hours of music a day.I listen to a lot of music and a lot of different genres of music. Occasionally someone will try to argue with me that something I'm listening to isn't 'real' music. Biggest eye roll ever. It's always funny because I inevitably also listen to what they consider to be real music. Gotta keep an open mind, especially when you listen to that much music every day.I think music can build a certain mood that helps you write. Even for my blogs, I usually post whatever I'm listening to at the time and pull out some lyrics for the bottom of my entry that reflects my mood or the mood of the entry. Sometimes the music is on-topic with the prompt, often it's not. Lyrics are great prompts for any type of writing too. Poetry, creative short stories, blog entries, whatever... I think lyric prompts are the same as quote prompts, really. I think SM has done a good job of getting people to write along to music with his newsfeed challenges. I've written for a few of them myself, just vibing off the music and letting it lead my writing. Working to music is apparently not the most common thing. I just found that out this year when people were like, "How can you work with music blaring in your headphones all day? I'd never be able to concentrate!" It actually helps me focus somehow. The constant noise is much less distracting than the random office laughter, conversations, and various printer and computer noises. Oh, not to mention the people who have loud conference call conversations with their office door open. I also will listen to the same song repeatedly when I'm trying to focus on something. Just looping the same noises helps me keep the auditory distractions to a minimum. I like instrumentals for that a lot. I don't know if anyone here knows about the lofi beats to study/relax to, but that was my jam in college.And not just me, but like, everyone else too. It's a 24/7 stream of super chill songs that aren't distracting at all. Really nice if you're working on a big project or writing on a deadline or whatever. For group projects we used to rent a study room in the library and inevitably someone would put this stream on their computer so we could all focus and get stuff done. I'm already nostalgic about university and I just finished 6 months ago. Life is all monotony Sprinkled with some moments of unforeseen extremes In between more sleeping |
Artist: Placebo Song: Running Up That Hill [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: NEOWISE comet: “Enjoy it while you can. The frozen ball of ice won’t return to the inner solar system for 6,800 years.” Talk about it! https://www.nytimes.com/article/neowise-comet.htmlI.am.so.tired. My work has this thing where they think because I'm young, I can work like 15 hours a day. They're like, "Ah, you're young, you'll bounce back!" Bro, no I won't. I'm fucking exhausted. Like, that shit is so toxic in a workplace. They'll tell me when they were my age they worked 18 hours a day. Okaaay then. I barely even time to eat/shower some days. It's not every day, but it's enough days that I'm using my weekends to just catch up on sleep sometimes. So, my thoughts on the NEOWISE comet... First thought was how late do you have to stay up to see it? But then I read that it's only an hour and a half after sunset. Second thought was... I'm never going to see this where I live. Light pollution is real. When it said, "First you just find the Big Dipper" I was like yup, I'm out. I can rest assured though that I live in the digital age and will be able to see countless photos and videos of the comet. It looks really cool in the photograph of Grand Junction, CO at the bottom of the article. Everyone's summer activities entries the other day made me want to go camping. Well, not like camping camping, but ya know, be in nature a little bit. Here's the thing, I think astronomy is cool. My brother had a telescope as a kid and we spent so many summer nights looking at the moon and various constellations. I'll watch space mission launches and check out NASA's astronomy picture of the day, which happens to be this comet today, by the way. Other than that though, I'm not really up on my astronomy stuff. Always thought it was interesting, but when you have several hobbies and a fairly busy schedule, it's not something you can more than dip your toes in, really. It's a big subject.I think astronomical events are super cool. If I hear there's gonna be one in sight, I'll try to check it out if I remember (I rarely do). Other than that, I'll leave the astronomy up to the astronomy hobbyists.  It doesn't hurt me You want to feel how it feels? |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Black Comedy [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe your sense of humor. Is it dark, sarcastic, slapstick, silly, or something else? Do you have any favorite comedians? What always makes you laugh?Work is kicking my ass right now. I’ll have to catch up on blog entries later because I want to see where everyone said they’d go for holiday if it was the Before Times. Anyway... My sense of humor 100% depends on my mood at the time. I’ve had my sense of humor described as dry, sarcastic, dark, goofy, immature, nonexistent. I have times where I'm pretty serious and don't find humor in much of anything. I'm kind of there now so it's a bad time for me for the prompt. Really difficult to talk about comedy when in a bad mental space. I know comedians use humor as a coping mechanism. I don't for the most part. I also don't like "edgy" comedians, like I'm saying something naughty or taboo and that's funny. I don't have any examples, but like, yeah. I liked Mitch Hedberg a lot. I like Trevor Noah and John Mulaney currently. I liked George Carlin a lot. I'm not sure if there's anything that could always make me laugh, but ~Minja~  introduced me to this Italian cartoon called Stripy and it usually at least gets a small laugh out of me. It has incredibly contagious laughter in it so it's hard not to laugh too. So yeah, think I'm done here. Big yikes on this entry. I guess the past is good for a laugh A comedy so dry and black |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Futile Devices [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: If you won a free trip to any foreign country, all expenses paid in your own private jet and had the time to go (and there were no travel restrictions due to a global pandemic  ), what is the first foreign country you would visit? Who would you bring with you? What would you spend your time doing?Italy, Italy, Italy. Did I mention Italy? Story time! My in-laws go to Italy every year, er, in the Before Times. When I started university they told me during my first semester, "Charlie, when you get your degree, we'll take you with us to Italy." They send me things back from Italy every year when they go, just little things like an Italian scarf or a bottle opener or whatever. Well, guess who graduated college? Me! And guess what? Pandemic.  I know, I know. Pretend there's no pandemic. That part is hard! So, realistically, if I were going to Italy, I'd be going with my in-laws during a normal summer. They never go to the 'trendy' places. I think they did the tourist-y sightseeing stuff once and ever since then they go to the Italian countryside and stay at local bed and breakfasts. I think we would drink.so.much.wine.  But really, as I mentioned in yesterday's entry about summer, I just wanna do fuck all. I want to lay around on the Italian countryside writing, reading, drawing, and mostly importantly... napping. I could easily waste away a whole summer that way and never once get bored. I don't even think I would regret it either. I don't like crowds of people, and while some of the tourist attractions would be cool to see, I'm not good at doing the whole agenda-driven holiday thing. That's just stressful to me. Since we're talking hypotheticals and this is all expenses paid, maybe I'd save the in-law trip for when they're paying.  I'd love to snatch up ~Minja~ and take her to the Italian countryside because we both have an affinity for a certain book/movie which takes place in northern Italy...I just know that she would appreciate the trip as much as me. And I also know she wouldn't bother me because we'd both be lounging and reading.  But damn, I got a whole private jet? I'm gonna bring everyone I can fit. For a lot of people, that's like a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Might as well take as many people as you can and give them a nice experience, right? I'd force Kira to go with me even though she has clearly told me many times that she has no interest in international travel. And for anyone interested, the next 4 countries in my top 5 are: 2. Spain 3. Norway 4. Ireland 5. Japan Hey, how long do I have the private jet? Asking for a friend... And I would say I love you But saying it out loud is hard So I won't say it at all |
Artist: Mazzy Star Song: Fade Into You [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about your favorite summer activity.Summer isn't what it used to be, but I still love it. I have such fond memories of summer as a kid. In between whatever bullshit was going on during those times, I used to love riding bikes with my friends, going to the pool, just hanging out. Kira and I were recently talking about this. Even though both of our childhoods were kind of meh, we both still miss the 'no responsibilities' aspect of it. There's just a very carefree thing you have going on in childhood that diminishes with the more things you have, I think. Not just physical possessions, but just things that you care about. It’s like... a lot of maintenance? You get in a relationship, gotta take care of and nurture that. You go to university? Gotta study and worry about that. Get a job? Gotta dedicate 40-60 hours a week on that. Get a car? Gotta maintain that. Get a place to live? Have to maintain like 8 different monthly bills for that. Have kids? Um, can’t imagine. My point is that being an adult is increasingly stressful with the more things you acquire. And that’s not to say those things aren’t worth it, but it really takes the wind outta my sails, personally. But there was always something magical about summer and summer leading into fall. July through October is definitely my favorite quarter of the year by far. I dunno. I guess I just miss being a teenager, hanging out with my friends on warm summer nights. Laying down on the hood of someone’s car, parked in the middle of nowhere. Watching all the stars without light pollution. Drinking a little, smoking a little. Listening to music. Not worrying about much of anything except feeling small. Can’t do that anymore. This is my first summer of full-time work after graduating college. I guess I shouldn’t compare a 2020 summer to a normal summer, but it kinda sucks a little bit. Having to wake up at 7 o’clock every morning. Having an endless pile of shit to do. And not having any other options because of all the bills and the debt. I don’t know what my favorite activity is during this pandemic summer. I guess napping on a warm afternoon? Does that count? I slept most of Saturday during the day so now my sleep schedule is all jacked up. But, yeah, I guess that’s what I’ll go with. Reading a book for 20 minutes and then passing out for 2 hours seems to be my summer activity of choice. Fade into you I think it's strange you never knew |
Artist: Bob Dylan Song: It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: When did you first start blogging? (anywhere, not necessarily on WDC) Why? What did you blog about? (subjects, topics, personal news, etc.) Has your blogging style changed since you began?This should be an interesting one! It’s always cool to learn what prompted someone to pick up a new hobby or form of writing. I never even thought about blogging before WDC. My first blog here was made specifically for "The Soundtrack of Your Life" right when I joined the site at the beginning of 2014. I made my blog on 30 January that year and my first entry was 1 February when the very first Soundtrackers challenge started.
I had never really read any blogs before, so I had no idea what I was going. I’d also only been on the site for 2 weeks so I didn’t really have any friends yet. I had been in rehab that December and, during my time there, I started creative writing a little bit. I was encouraged to keep that up after I left, not because I was an amazing writer, but likely because it was a healthy coping mechanism. So when I got out, I basically just did a writing site google search so that I could continue to share my writing with other people, and I found WDC then. This is the poem I wrote during rehab and I added it to my port here the day after I joined:
So, I was brand new on the site, had a new blog, and a challenge before me with no real instructions except to share the soundtrack to my life. I could think of a million potential songs, but I wasn't sure what to write about them. At the time though, I was struggling with flashes of memories that I'd masked through drugs for years. Not even necessarily traumatic memories, but just things that would pop into my mind and make me feel all kinds of feelings that I had no interest in, uh, feeling. Something I didn't understand at that time, because no one ever talks about it, is that good memories are sometimes more painful than bad ones. I couldn't explain to myself why a happy memory would make me feel so bad, it just did. I didn't even want to be associated with or attached to my own memories. It was impossible for me to write these things in first person because that felt like owning them. Instead, I decided to write these flashes of memories in third person. My first entry was one of those should be good/happy memories that just made me feel horrible then and still makes me feel horrible now. I still don't understand why or how good memories are painful, but either way, here's my first blog entry ever: "Invalid Entry" Later, I learned that what I was writing was called a vignette. So that's what I did the entire first month of my blog. I had almost no readers, very few comments/likes on my entries because I'd been on the site for 2 weeks. I wasn't popular in any way, and a lot of the entries to this day have like 3 views. But I did make a lot of friends that month through Soundtrackers. I was so appreciative of those people who did read my entries here and there and let me know they were seeing me.That's why I will always like/comment entries from people who are new to the site or new to "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . A little encouragement goes a long way. If I hadn't had those few readers that I had, I likely would have gone back to writing in my journal or on the back of a napkin at the end of the challenge rather than starting to blog for daily prompt challenges like "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" , "Blogging Circle of Friends " , "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" , etc. And of course I'll always be thankful to lizco252isback for starting that challenge and being one of my few readers that month. She and Fivesixer  were the first people to ever engage with my first blog. From Soundtrackers, I started blogging about everything. My blog was like half personal journal, half throwing my opinion in on whatever prompts came up for the day. I don't know if my style has changed very much. I still write vignettes when times get tough or difficult memories arise:
I'll still post what's going on with me in my blog. I'll have a total breakdown if that's what needs to happen. I have a lot less shame in myself now because I've realized that people use their blogs for all sorts of things. There's really no right or wrong way to blog, despite what some might say. As long as you're true to yourself and doing what you need to do for yourself, your blog is serving its purpose. I try as much (as much as time allows) to engage with people's blogs and let them know that what they're saying matters and is valid. I sometimes just go to the Bloggers page when there isn't a blogging challenge going on and just sweep through the page liking/commenting on people's entries. There are so many people here baring their souls the way I do and the way I was then without getting any kind of validation or thumbs up from anyone.I wish I had the time all the time to let those people know they're not alone, but I do what I can. But though the masters make the rules For the wise men and the fools I got nothing, Ma, to live up to |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: A Perfect Sonnet [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Imagine what the world would be like today if humans had never discovered/invented _________ (fill in the blank).Ah, I'm getting behind. This is why I always try to post an entry before I go to sleep the day the prompt is released. The next day it gets way too easy for me to get busy doing other things and then I forget about writing my entry. I also need to catch up on commenting for yesterday's prompt. This is a time-consuming challenge if you're doing everything involved in it for real.  Let's see, what would the world be like if humans never discovered/invented __________ internet. Well, none of us would know each other probably, so there's that. I vaguely remember a time before internet, but not really. It's basically a utility in 2020 and I think it should be treated as such. Imagine being a kid now during the pandemic without internet. I know it's happening in some communities and I can't imagine how stressful that must be for the kids and parents. More than pre-internet, I remember pre-everyone having a cell phone. I remember just having a house phone and not being able to readily communicate with anyone at any time. vaccines and treatments. I mean, imagine if we didn't have antibiotics? Just the most basic thing that we take for granted. People would die so much more easily and likely at a younger age if we didn't have antibiotics. We have historical accounts of times before vaccines and modern medicine. I've seen art depicting people with smallpox and other diseases. I've read firsthand accounts of plagues. The current pandemic is bad, but it's nothing compared to what our distant ancestors went through before modern medicine. time. Can you imagine not having a concept of time? Phases of the moon were originally used to measure the passage of time. It's really interesting to dig into how time was originally measured by different groups of people.We use the Gregorian calendar, which was introduced in 1582. It was a revision of the Julian calendar (which was a reform of the Roman calendar). It's crazy because time basically means nothing. During all of these revisions, they were just adding and taking away days from the previous calendar. If you're looking back in time at something, you can't even line up the date accurately without taking into consideration the calendar that was used then vs. the calendar that we use now. Like, for example, today is 11 July according to the Gregorian calendar, but it's 28 June according to the Julian calendar. arts. Imagine if people just never discovered the concept of art. We wouldn't have any of the music, paintings, sculptures, writings, movies, that we have today. Maybe I'm getting too existential on the prompt, but it's weird to think about a world without any form of art. Can you imagine if you just worked all day and then you couldn't come home and read a book or write a story or listen to music on your commute because that stuff just... didn't exist? Here are some of the oldest pieces of art discovered, if you're interested.I guess I'll have to settle for a for a few brief moments And watch all dissolve into a single second |
Artist: Cigarettes After Sex Song: Apocalypse [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Go somewhere outside or where you can observe the happenings of the world beyond the walls of your home (looking out a window is fine). Spend at least five minutes watching and listening. What do you see, hear, and smell? Where does your mind wander when you sit quietly?What is "outside"? Sounds scary. Just kidding. I'm writing this entry from the balcony of my new apartment and having a drink. It's very warm here, like in the 80s still as I'm writing this. It's going to storm tonight. You can smell the summer storm looming even though it's not particularly humid or windy at the moment. It's a pretty quiet night, very relaxing. I can see cars, buildings, and I can hear some neighbors talking. A dog barking. The usual. I have trouble sitting quietly and finding peace in things. This year is very stressful, and I've pretty much just been at home for months aside from moving. It's a lonely year. Even though I'm not alone, I never realized how social I actually am. Because I tend to need to be alone to re-energize, it's easy to forget that I really am usually around way more people than I am now. In the Before Times (to quote Robert Waltz  ), I was at work for like 50 hours a week surrounded by people and I was still going out most weekends to visit friends or family. 2020 has me feeling a bit claustrophobic, like I'm losing track of time and just a lot going on but also nothing going on. The virus is a weird thing too because a lot of people are just going about their business as normal. They're still seeing everyone they usually see and not much has been interrupted for them. I can't do that. I'm way too scared of getting people sick. I've seen news stories where like ten family members have gotten sick or died from the virus after a birthday party... I would feel so horrible. But it creates this weird thing because I am in my twenties and people are like, "Hey dude, come see me. It'll just be like a cold for you anyway." And I'm just not willing to do it and risk bringing home the virus or taking it with me to the grocery store. Oh, I just heard a firework. So, yeah, that's still a thing apparently. Kind of snapped me out of the moment there. Not really sure what point I was making. Except that this year is a bit lonely and I don't know when I'll be able to comfortably go see family again or visit with friends. Quiet moments like this remind me of everything that's going on and how everything was before. I can't imagine ever feeling comfortable again doing the things I did in the Before Times. Everything about this year is taking a psychological toll. Oh, and I'm still in terrible pain as I continue to very slowly heal from surgery. Got the music in you baby, tell me why You've been locked in here forever and you just can't say goodbye |
Artist: Catfish and the Bottlemen Song: Longshot [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Write about the last time you did something nice for yourself.The year was 1996... The Macarena was playing over the loudspeakers. Okay, I guess I've probably been nice to myself at least once since then. Nice, nice, nice.Nice is such a "nice" word. What does it even mean? Is nice something the feels really good in the moment and then you live to regret it? If so, I'm nice to myself all the time. Nice has to be something more than "you" time. That's what I'm declaring for this prompt. Because responding to this prompt is something we're all doing in our personal time. We've all given ourselves 10 or 20 minutes or whatever to write a blog entry today. That's not nice, it's a hobby. And by that reasoning, going for a walk, taking a bath, reading a book, watching a movie, and taking a nap is not something nice you've done for yourself. I mean, one of those is just basic hygiene. Another is exercise. The reason I say this is because sometimes people are like, "I'm gonna treat myself today! I'm gonna take a bath." And I'm like that's cool and all but you were supposed to either take a shower or take a bath today anyway, so it's a 50/50 shot of 'treating yourself' everyday? I dunno. I think something that's genuinely nice for yourself should have a somewhat lasting positive effect on your well-being or your life. It can be something as simple as treating yourself to a new computer after months of attempting to work on an old laptop that's breaking down on you. It has a lasting effect because you can spend the next however many years with the peace of mind to write knowing that your computer won't crap out mid-sentence. Or something like a vacation because you're giving yourself a nice experience that you'll always have with you. Keeping in theme of my definition for the prompt, I think the last nice thing I did for myself was graduating college in December. It has already opened up so many doors for me in terms of my career. I'm developing a lot of transferrable and highly sought after skills in my post-grad job. Obviously, this year isn't ideal for learning your first serious job. There are always uncertainties, but I'm in a better position now than I was one year ago all because I made a decision to do something nice for myself. Starting university was not easy for me after dropping out of high school several years before. Between myself and the people who know me, education and I had only ended with me calling it quits. There was a lot of doubt that I could see it through and that going into debt would be worth it. But I decided that I wanted to see myself in a better situation with better opportunities so I did something nice by believing in myself when it felt impossible. And we lapped it up and we’re wise enough to know How it goes, forgive me, honey But we’re wise enough to know How it goes |
Artist: Smashing Pumpkins Song: Zero [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What historical events, besides your own birth, occurred on your birthday in the year you were born?Shocker. The most important thing that happened on my exact birthday seems to be my birthday. Not gonna lie, this prompt turned out to be depressing. I mean, I found this site that says I have, like, 40 more years to work.  I went through a few websites and it seems like nothing much was happening on my birthday. There was a rugby player I've never heard of born the same day, if that counts as a historical event? A lot of these sites are very scammy, aren't they? A lot of pop-ups and just bad site designs. I finally found this site which has the top headlines for that day: Dec 17 - NBA's most lopsided game Cleveland beats Miami 148-80 Dec 17 - Soap opera "One Life To Live" airs its 6,000th episode Dec 17 - Patrick Manning becomes premier of Trinidad & TobagoSo, with that being said, I'm still saying my birthday was the most important event that day. This isn't a bad problem to have though. Some people's birthdays are overshadowed by major holidays. Even worse, some people's birthdays are essentially blacked out by horrific tragedies. I knew someone born on 9/11, not the same year as the terrorist attacks, but they hated it because their birthday ended up being a remembrance day of a bad event. I don't care much about my birthday, but I'd rather it be some random boring day than a day where it's awkward to celebrate. I'll look forward to reading people's entries today to see if anyone had anything major happen on their exact birthday. It's a bit of a needle in the haystack with such an precise date. But if you want to see a timeline of things that happened on your birth month and day, I recommend On This Day . It goes all the way back in time and is pretty interesting. For example, on Dec. 17: 1538 - Pope Paul II excommunicated King Henry VIII of England. 1903 - The Wright brothers make the 1st sustained motorized aircraft flight at 10:35 AM, piloted by Orville Wright at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. 1989 - "The Simpsons" created by Matt Groening, premieres on Fox TV as a full animated series with the episode, "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire".Lots of cool stuff out there if we broaden our horizons a little. Intoxicated with the madness I'm in love with my sadness |
Artist: Tigers Jaw Song: Plane vs. Tank vs. Submarine [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What do you do when you are out of inspiration or ideas?What perfect timing for this prompt when I'm having difficulty doing so much as writing a blog entry. This entry is going to turn into a rant, I just know it. My anxiety is getting to me. It's terrible. I'm trying not to take anything because I saw the surgeon and my body is still trying to heal from surgery. I'm assuming taking random pills doesn't help with that process, although I'm not a doctor.I've just been taking shit at random for weeks in an attempt to calm the pain and also just the anxiety that this entire year is causing. Everything feels bad. I know I'm probably actively working against my body's process of recovery, but it's hard, when you're in pain for months and also worrying about all the things this year has thrown at everyone. I don't know. The point is that I saw the surgeon and he said I need to be taking really good care of myself so I can heal. And I haven't exactly been doing that... So I'm making another attempt, but it's difficult with the anxiety and pain. I just want to feel some kind of peace, even if it's fleeting. But anyway, I guess I should directly answer the prompt. I don't force myself to be creative when I don't have inspiration for it. That's why I've written so little in terms of creative writing in the past few years. For me, writing is a hobby. I refuse to force myself to do my hobbies after working against my will all day. As my bio here says, I write when it feels right. I do have other creative outlets though. I keep a handwritten journal. I draw and do digital painting. I color in those adult colouring books sometimes. I used to play a fair amount of bass guitar. I read a lot and sketch the scenes out as I read. I play video games. Essentially, what I'm getting at is that I have a lot of hobbies. If one of them isn't striking my mood, I just move onto the next one. I don't think writing prompts help me as much as I once thought they did. Image prompts are the most effective at inspiring me to write, but even those often don't do the trick. Things have to line up perfectly for me to write a poem at this point. I do too much analyzing at work and it's not conducive for creative writing for me. But I have enough stuff to beat myself up over. If I ever get back into writing a lot of poetry or whatever, cool. If not, I'll be content with my other hobbies. I don't have enough time for all of them anyway. And this was all a dream And it's coming back to me A portrait in grey scale A perfect betrayal And I can't even breathe |
Artist: Germs Song: Media Blitz [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Is there such a thing as “unbiased reporting?” (Consider not just journalism, but storytelling - is it possible to tell a story without bias?)I had to go straight to the definition of biased for this one, because I feel like in recent years the word 'biased' itself has gotten a bit diluted. Often, I feel like people call something 'biased' when there is even a hint of personal opinion in the matter, but I'm pretty sure that's not the actual definition of biased. Merriam-Webster definition for bias is "an inclination of temperament or outlook; especially : a personal and sometimes unreasoned judgment : PREJUDICESo, an opinion could make someone biased, if that person's opinion held prejudice against alternative conclusions. Having an opinion alone doesn't = biased. You can have a general opinion on a topic without having a foregone conclusion on the matter. Everyone has opinions and if an opinion alone was biased, then the answer to the prompt would likely be that no, there is no such thing as unbiased reporting. I do think it's difficult to find unbiased reporting, especially with the current state of things. Everything is sensationalized. I don't know how many times someone has thrown a 'fact' in my face and been totally outraged, only for me to open up google, search it, and realize within 15 seconds that someone made up that 'fact' on Twitter and now it's just everywhere. On one hand, I always feel bad correcting the person. Feel like a dick every time I say, "Well, actually, nothing you're talking about happened. There's no reason to be upset because this situation didn't occur. So, yeah..." Quick way to end conversations, when really what I'm trying to say is, "Hey, maybe don't believe everything you read on a random internet meme whose source is a 14 year old on social media." Kinda feels like something I shouldn't have to explain to adults, but ok. And this is on every 'side' by the way. I've firsthand witnessed this happen with people of all different belief systems. There's an absolute outrage culture everywhere. If someone wants to believe something hard enough, they can easily find 'sources' to fuel their rage. It's an absolute embarrassment though when someone sends me something all outraged and it's like, "Cool, so, that literally didn't happen and now you're upset for no reason. Awkward." People rarely fully back down from these situations too. They hardly if ever say, "Well, fuck me, I looked too quickly without checking out the source. Sorry for spreading misinformation. I'll make sure I do a quick google search before getting all worked up next time." It has happened ZERO times out of all the times I've confronted someone for propagating fake news. Best case scenario, the person blames it on the source. "Well, I saw it on Facebook and it had like 50K shares so I dunno..." Or, "Well, there was something else very similar to this that did happen so it's not a stretch to believe it. I guess this one wasn't real, but there's a lot of real ones like this." Worst case scenario, they become infuriated and double down to the point where I just end the conversation because it's not worth having. Just to reiterate, I've had this happen with every side of politics/belief systems. Just as an example of what I'm talking about, back at the beginning of quarantine, my mother messaged me and said that there was breaking scientific evidence that heat killed the virus. Of course, I was like, "Oh wow, seriously? Where'd you hear that?" So she sent me a link to a website that she saw somewhere on social media. It was a straight up Russian propaganda site. We're talking soviet hammer & sickle, all red background, the 'about' section was all in Russian even though the article said that US scientists had found that the virus dies with hot temperatures. Just for reference, not that it matters, but my parents absolutely hate Trump and vote democrat. The reason I say that is because Trump also said that the virus would die with heat, so just pointing out that this was not someone who was directly believing Trump and using a shady website as reference. This was someone who actually loathes him. Anyway, the last thing you want to do in these situations is shame the other person. People don't learn when they're humiliated, it just adds to a pile of rage that will build up inside of them over time. Even though I've been condescending here and there in this entry, I'm not like that at all when a situation like this arises. I just pointed out that I wasn't sure about the reliability of the website and asked her what she thought. She then came back a minute later saying, "Oh, hmmm. Yeah, not sure if the site is a good source but my cousin just posted it. That would be good if it did disappear with heat though. Fingers crossed!" Since then every time she has breaking news she jokes that the source isn't in Russian. As far as news sources go, I think the Associated Press does a fairly good job of just laying out the facts without twisting their headlines or using sensationalist terminology to rile people up. I don't check out the news too frequently, but I'll check in with the AP occasionally just to see what's going on. That doesn't mean there's no biases in their reporting, but their headlines certainly seem more straightforward and less dramatic than the average news source. People's perspective, their history, their experiences, their personality... all of that plays a role in the reliability of their reporting. There's a reason eyewitnesses are notoriously unreliable. Whether it's the news or a personal retelling of a story (e.g. the fish was this big!), we can't strip away people's perspectives and potential biases. In order to be reliable reporters, we need a couple things, in my opinion: 1. The willingness and capability to change our minds when presented with new information. 2. The self-awareness to recognize our own blindspots. Sadly, there doesn't seem to be a ton of interest in those two things. But it makes sense. We live in a world where people want to sell a story, whether it's for ratings/money (hello, media) or as a means of pushing their ideologies onto others (hello, random citizens). My rule of thumb is to not believe anything I hear until I've investigated it myself through a variety of sources. I've got television I've got supervision No decisions for you Media blitz, media blitz |
Artist: Soundgarden Song: 4th of July [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Tell us about someone you find inspirational.Ouch, difficult prompt for me. I don’t have the tendency to be inspired by people. There is good and bad in everyone. Unless you directly know the person who inspires you, a quick google search will show you that they have plenty of skeletons in their closet. There is truth in the saying, “Never meet your heroes.” Certain human urges get a lot of people into trouble. I’m a big believer in the idea that absolute power corrupts absolutely. I think a lot of would-be inspirational people get to a point in life where they feel invincible, as if they could do anything and still be powerful (via fame, wealth, popularity, or all of the aforementioned combined). That’s when you see true human nature and it’s clearly evident why no human should be worshipped in any type of way. I do believe those people can act in an inspirational way at times, but anyone can be inspirational. People uplift themselves from shitty situations all the time. People take action where action is needed without the hope of any type of recognition. Truly inspirational people aren’t those you’d see on television or in the news because they’re people who build their lives up through small, seemingly insignificant displays of daily inspiration. For the sake of the prompt (and to stop myself from drunken rambling), I’ll choose a person who I find at least mildly inspirational. Bob Ross. I adore watching him paint. He has such a calming effect. During the filming of Joy of Painting, he lost his wife to cancer and was himself battling with lymphoma which took his life too soon at the age of 52. You would never know that he was going through all of this from watching his show. He maintained such a stoic and calm presence. It’s a gift to people even today to be able to relax and watch him paint. I always put Bob Ross on when I’m feeling a bit panicky and need to mellow out. He chose to be very private about his battles and put on a brave public face. I respect that a lot because I know it’s something I could never be strong enough to do. Was he a perfect person? Undoubtedly no. There are no perfect people. We all have dark and light in us. But he chose to share his light while keeping his dark below the surface and that’s fairly inspirational to me. Cause I heard it in the wind And I saw it in the sky And I thought it was the end And I thought it was the 4th of July |
Artist: From First To Last Song: Note to Self [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with absolutely no preparation?I've actually thought about this before... for 4 months straight. So, when I was in university I had a semester-long speech class. Between the normal speeches we had to do, each week random students would be called on to deliver an impromptu speech. It was guaranteed that throughout the 4-month semester, each student would be called on at least once. The caveat was that you were given a topic when you were called on. A couple of the topics I remember from these impromptu speeches were things like are tests a good indicator of knowledge, worst job experience, what you'd take to a deserted island, best methods of learning, positives and negatives of technology... Just totally random stuff. Twice a week for two months I sat in this class thinking, Ugh, just call on me for the impromptu speech already... But of course, it didn't happen until the week before the final speech. The point is that I had a lot of time to think about which topics I could easily tackle and which would be an utter nightmare. Here's what I came up with... Things I should talk about never. First category is topics I was silently and telepathically begging to not be given. Sports. I have nothing against them. I just don’t care at all. There was one topic in class related to how effective school sports are at building teamwork skills. Pop culture. I didn’t feel like I knew enough pop culture at the time to do a speech on things like “Which celebrities today are good role models for children?” History. I have a big gap in my knowledge when it comes to history. I would look super dumb trying to give a history-related speech. In recent years, I’ve tried to read more about history and educate myself a little. But still, no.Things I could talk about for 40 minutes. Okay, first of all, 40 minutes is a really long time. I think our speeches were 10-15 minutes total in class. I'm honestly not sure if I could stutter my way through 40 minutes of anything. But if I had to, these are the topics I'd choose for myself. Mental health. From disorders to medications to treatment options to the history of mental illness, I could easily talk this subject into the ground at a moment’s notice. For all of my planned speeches in that class, I did mental health topics. I’m obviously a big advocate for mental health wellness. Finance/Accounting. This is what I went to school for and it’s what I do for work, so hopefully I’d be able to come up with 40 minutes of material on it after all these years. I’ve posted about personal finance before in my blog, but kept it very surface level as to not bore people to tears. Books/Writing. That’s what brought us all together in the first place, right? Surely we could all talk about our favorite authors and poets for 40 minutes. Personally, when I read a really good book I can just rave about it for days. The topic I was actually given. In case anyone's curious, the impromptu speech topic I had to given in class was... Do you agree or disagree with the death penalty and why? If I could, I'd put this with the things I should never talk about, because apparently I have not formed a full opinion on this topic. I'm obviously blessed to have never had a serious reason to consider whether I'm for or against the death penalty. I tried to say that I didn't know enough about the topic to make a definitive statement on it, but that didn't fly. In the end, I ended up saying that I'm for it only in the case of the most heinous crimes with irrefutable 100% concrete scientific evidence. I talked about cases of people on death row who were found to be innocent and then I talked about some of the worst crimes in history that were clear cut cases. Luckily, that took up my 10 minutes.Note to self, I miss you terribly |
Artist: Microwave Song: But Not Often [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Describe a missed opportunity you encountered, and how things might have been different if you hadn't missed it.I've never had a huge opportunity that I've turned down. As in, I've never been accepted into a college and decided against going. I've never had a great career opportunity and turned it down. If an opportunity presents itself, I'm usually happy to jump on it and I have the freedom to do that. I don't have any kids or anything else to really tether me down. Kira doesn't have a career, so whatever I need to do in life, I can pretty much do without argument. I didn't always accept potential opportunities though. For a long time, I didn't see any value in myself or any future for myself so I was quick to turn down anything that could potentially change my life for the better. I was in such a negative mental space in terms of who I was supposed to be or what my outcome was supposed to look like. On the day-to-day, I was happy during those times because I had no real responsibilities or things to worry about. It was definitely much easier to just get messed up all the time and barely work enough to cover my bills. I feel a lot more daily stress and tension now. But in terms of missing opportunities, I'm sure I missed some along the way. For example, after I dropped out of high school, I ended up getting my GED. Soon after that, I got a phone call from a recruiter at Rutger's University. I was not having any of it. I remember the day very well because I was withdrawing from something and had been vomiting all morning. I was at the grocery store self-checkout with Kira and I kept leaning on the bagging area and it would scream at us, "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA!" Anyway, he was trying to talk to me and I was trying to not talk to him. He said that he was from Rutger's and wanted to talk to me about something, was now a good time? I told him I don't want to talk to him. He seemed very confused and repeated who he was and where he was calling from; he said he had something to talk to me about that I'd likely want to hear. I said I didn't want to hear it. He asked me something like, "You won't even listen to what I have to say?" And I was like, "Nah" and hung up. So, if we're talking about potential missed opportunities, I probably have a ton of them. I'm sure the call was nothing important, but can you imagine thinking so low of your future that you wouldn't even take 30 seconds at the age of 18 to listen to what someone from a reputable university has to pitch to you before hanging up? I didn't think about that call again until I actually started uni in my 20s. The call doesn't matter because, again, it was likely unimportant and I ended up at a better school in the long run anyway. It's just the fact that with zero prospects in life you would be so unwilling to listen to anything that could potentially change your future for the better. If we're talking about those potential "missed opportunities" I'm sure I have a boatload because I did that exact type of thing for years and years. I don't do that anymore though. If a company wants to talk to me about their open positions, I'll listen even though I have a job. If a school wants to talk to me about their master's degree programs, I'll listen even though I don't have plans to go back to school right now. You never know what you're going to miss out on life if you close yourself off to conversations that could potentially change the course of your life. I'm still far from perfect. I'll probably never get to the point where I'm in a "good" place consistently; but I never want to get to that point again where I won't even listen to a potential opportunity in life. We’re always getting fucked up, why Do you really need to know me? |
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