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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Imagine a place you go to regularly - the gym, your regular coffee shop, wherever you choose. Take up the POV of the person at the counter, the bike across from you, any one person you choose. What's your first impression of yourself? Is it the real you or one you plan and project? What's up?? I've been missing out on many good prompts while busy keeping myself afloat at work.  Hope you're all doing well though. I think I'm settling into work a little better. It's hard to say because the nature of accounting/finance means there are overly busy times mixed in with slow times. It's never just in between. My coworkers and I are either running around like our hair is on fire or we're flicking paper footballs at each other waiting for our hair to catch fire.  There's always something to be done, but unless it's a fiery hair situation, everyone seems to move pretty slowly and just not really care much about it. On those days, people will hang out and talk in each other's offices for 45 minutes and then move to someone else's workspace and do the same thing again. I know we have a very busy few weeks ahead of us though, probably not next week, but definitely the two weeks following. I'm learning to just kind of ride it out. The days are long and it's exhausting, which is pretty much the entire reason I've not had time to blog or read blogs. But during the slower weeks, I have a little bit more energy. Unfortunately, I think I might be getting sick now. Sore throat, headache, tired... all those cold-like things I tend to get at least once every winter. The fact that it lines up with a new virus outbreak is just, ya know, awesome.  Also, just throwing this out there, I'd be able to blog for "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" a lot more if the prompts weren't sent after 10pm wdc time and couldn't be posted in the forum until after 12am wdc time. Juuuuust saying.  There's no way I can write an entry at work, and by the time I get home it's usually around 7 or 8 in the evening. Then I have to take a shower, have dinner, etc. before I pass out from complete exhaustion at around 10:30.  I never realized how unconducive the 30dbc schedule is for a day job!Anyway, the prompt... I have such a shaky sense of self, and probably because I’ve that, I’ve dwelled on this idea before. Who am I? Am I the person I think I am or am I the person other people think I am? And who do others think I am anyway?  With my new job, this has been on my mind. Do my coworkers see and understand who I am? Are all of my little idiosyncrasies endearing or just weird? I feel like a different person day to day, so how can anyone really know what to expect with me? I feel like I’ve made a good first impression with some people, through personality mirroring which may or may not be a defense mechanism from childhood. I realized early that most people like themselves and act the way they act because it’s preferable to them. When you subtly match their humor and general cadence, they will often like you at first. And when they like you at first, they’ll generally continue to unless you mess it up by, ya know, being you... I think everyone is kind of “fake” in this way. It’s part of socializing. You’re never entirely yourself, but you’re not NOT yourself either. You’re just an acceptable version of yourself as called for by the situation. |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Describe a time when you exhibited bravery. Gotta do my once a week blog entry. I definitely wish I had more time to read and write entries this month. I had a really long second week of work. I think I'm adjusting a bit to the schedule and stuff, but it's just rough. The work-life balance seems pretty nonexistent. I'm expected to stay late at work almost every day, which makes my hours like 50-60 a week. It's a bit much for my taste. I'm going to focus on paying off my student loans over the next couple years and then we'll see where I'm at with everything. My problem is trying to do that without completely burning myself out. I'm the type that will work 11 or 12 hours a day and then do side hustles with any 'free' time I have and end up completely spiraling out once the hypomania peaces out. So, trying hard to balance all that at the moment. Anyway, bravery, hmm... First of all, I think most people exhibit bravery on a daily basis whether it's stepping out of your comfort zone to meet new people or tackling a project that you're unfamiliar with or confronting a personal issue or whatever. People with mental health issues especially have to exhibit endless bravery- specifically people with anxiety issues. Anxiety makes everything terrifying... making phone calls, driving a car, meeting new people, coping with unknown variables in life, learning new things, setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, being nice to yourself... Pretty much everything feels like a BIG deal. Throughout school, I had to spend so much of my time coaxing myself into just being baseline normal. I have to do the same thing at work now. Just trying to not be outwardly fucking weird. Like, it's a sincere struggle to just appear normal on a day-to-day basis. I've had several private moments where I have to step out and just do the whole deep breathing, positive self-talk thing.It is what it is. I'm used to having to go from one moment to the next that way. Getting through things one second at a time and all that. More specific to me, I had to be super brave during my teen years- and I was. Not knowing where my next meal was going to come from or when it would be pretty much required a high level of bravery. My mental health wasn't even terrible then because I just didn't have that option. I would've been completely frozen in fear every moment of my life if I hadn't found a way to swallow that day. It's insane what a human can take when survival is the endgame. Then you raise yourself up out of that only to have your brain be like, "Nah, fuck you."  My mental health got worse the more stabilized I got because I started coming out of that fugue state. Then I was terrified my life would slip back into the abyss. So, that's been fun... |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What music makes you want to dance? Daaaang, that was a rough week. I'm hoping I'll adjust to the long schedule at work and all that. Just, like, the thought of having to be somewhere at a specific time and then stay there for hours and hours... rough.And a huge transition for me because I'm so used to doing what I want when I want. I mean, I've been in school for the past several years, right? Studying when I want. Working when I want. I don't like being told what to do, clearly. Anyway... onward with the prompt. I haven't had time to read any entries since the 1st of the month, but I'm sure they were all great.  I won't be catching up on missed prompts.I'm glad this prompt includes the word "want" because I'm not super into dancing. But I must say, a certain brand of 80s music has to be my answer on this one. 80s synth-pop is amazing. Pet Shop Boys, Depeche Mode, Tears for Fears, A Flock of Seagulls... All those bands are just so damn catchy and danceable. Then there's also 80s new wave, which frankly overlaps a lot. New Order, The Cure, Soft Cell, etc. But, my absolute favorite by far is the Psychedelic Furs.  I think they're just the catchiest new wave band. I dunno how much I'd actually dance to them, but ya know, I feel the groove a bit.  I also have an 80s synth/new wave playlist that's probably about 5 hours long. [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Welcome to 2020! As we start a new decade, take the time in your entry today to look back on the previous decade (2010-2019). Write about some of the major milestones from the past ten years. When you look back on your life over the past decade, what events stand out as most noteworthy and significant? Hi everyone! Happy New Year! I'm making quick work of my decade change. In the past couple weeks I've:  graduated university found an amazing post-grad job started my post-grad jobI mean, that happened super quickly. I went from having absolutely no post-grad prospects to having a very serious job that people work for years and years in the industry to try to get. It was really a matter of luck. My predecessor had to leave the position suddenly due to personal reasons and they needed someone in the role as quickly as possible. I applied offhandedly, not thinking I was qualified or would even hear back from them. Then I got an interview and just happened to really hit it off with my direct boss. I know we talked during the last official "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" about my impending graduation. I had so much self-doubt about my ability to find a job, even though I know accounting/finance are highly demanded fields. I was still caught off guard by finding an amazing managerial role straight out of college.It's still wild to me. The job is super overwhelming in the couple days I've been there though. The hours are really long. Of course, I have no idea what I'm doing yet. The people I'm managing are, like, 30+ years older than me and seem a bit... unsure(?) of me. Regardless, I have confidence that I'm going to be able to get comfortable in the role. It's going to take a lot of time because there is a lot of history with accounting and finance. Macroeconomic trends, specific events, things that change the numbers. You have to have knowledge of all of those past events in order to analyze what the numbers are going to be in the future. These are things that come with time. Other than that, I got married this decade. Moved about 50 times. Made a lot of friends, lost a lot of friends, got myself on track and off track 400 or so times. You know, the basics. I don't know how much I'll be around this month. I have today off because it's a paid holiday (my first one of those!). The rest of the month though, it'll be super difficult for me to keep up with blogging, let alone commenting on other blogs. We'll see how it goes though. I'll try.  |
Artist: The Wonder Years Song: Local Man Ruins Everything [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]   Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Congratulations on making it to the last day of the competition! What was your favorite prompt from the last month? Did you learn anything new about your fellow competitors? What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition? Having a weird day where I feel like I'm on everyone's nerves for some reason. I have days like that where it seems like everyone I talk to secretly had a meeting about how wildly annoying I am. Like, everyone just seems irritated that I'm speaking to them or existing so my anxiety is like, "hey, by the way, no one likes you, sooo..." Anyway, I'm saying this because I usually go quiet when that happens to give people a break from me. So I'll leave you with a short final entry for the month. What was your favorite prompt from the last month? Lots of good prompts this month, as always. I really enjoyed November 13th's prompt: "In what circumstances do you believe it is okay to fib or tell a white lie?" "Invalid Entry" I always think it's interesting to see where people's morals lie and why.I tend to like the 'deeper' prompts anyway. I know people didn't really want to talk about their insecurities much, but I enjoyed writing for that prompt anyway on the 10th: "Invalid Entry" Did you learn anything new about your fellow competitors? I learn new things about people during every round of "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . I really appreciate when people open up in their blogs because I know it's not easy to do. I specifically remember an entry from MD Maurice  where we were let in on a bit of the past. We also learned new things about Eric Wharton  in some candid moments. I think it's a gift when someone lets their guard down and allows you to get to see who they are, where they're coming from, where they've been. It gives you a new perspective on who they actually are as a person, and I really appreciate that. What was the most rewarding aspect of participating in the competition? The most rewarding part of the 30DBC every time I've completed it is getting to interact on a daily basis with my fellow bloggers. If you're not reading and commenting on entries, you're missing out on probably 75% of the challenge. For me, it's not about answering questions interview style. It's about gaining new perspectives from a group of people who are coming from different backgrounds and experiences than you. I don't know how many times I've answered a prompt with my natural first reaction and then read other people's blogs on the topic and walked away with a totally different viewpoint. We have to look outside of ourselves to gain new perspectives. It's easy to sit in an echo chamber with our likeminded friends and family members. It's difficult to learn and grow from people whose lifestyles and belief systems are completely different than your own. But it's worth it. Thanks for sharing the month with me. Expect me standing tall, back against the wall, 'Cause what I learned was It's not about forcing happiness; It's about not letting the sadness win. |
Artist: Third Eye Blind Song: I Want You [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about gifting! What’s on your list? What do you have your eye on for yourself and what do you want to gift to your family and friends? Homemade or store bought? What was the best gift you ever received? Back to posting at 12am WDC time because yolo. I swear if I wait until the next day, it just won't get done. I'd be out of the challenge by the 4th of the month, legit. But anyway, I'm not a gifter. You know how people always say, like, "Oh, I prefer to give gifts to my loved ones rather than to receive them." I don't feel that way. I'd rather neither of us get each other gifts because I can buy what I want with my money and you can buy what you want with yours. If they're insisting, however...  For Christmas, I get my nieces gifts and that's it. Kira and I don't even exchange gifts. If I want to get myself something on July 8th, I'm going to. If she wants to get herself something on March 19th, she's welcome to. What I really, really don't understand is my adult family members who absolutely INSIST on exchanging gifts even though I've expressed that there are like 15 of us and it's better to use our money on the children. Their response? "Well, if you don't want to get us anything, we understand..." So, ya know what? Cool, you're not getting anything from me and if you insist on gifting me something (although I've repeatedly asked you not to), that's on you. There's no feasible way for me to get gifts for every adult and child I interact with on the holidays. One year, I just got everyone a Christmas card and a $20 bill because I was so uncomfortable knowing they were going to get me something. I spent like over $600 on Christmas gifts with the cash gifts + legit gifts for the kids. I know it was a lowkey dick move to just give everyone cash. Like, clearly no thought put into it, and the response was pretty much like, "Uh, thanks...?" After that, I was just like, fuck it. I've said I don't want to do the adult gift exchange thing, I'm gonna use that money just on the kids. So I get them badass gifts now that cost like $200 each and spend the same amount of money. It's not a money thing. Although I do think that if I'm going to spend money on gifts, I'd prefer to give them to children who don't have money of their own over someone who makes $50K a year more than me.Yeah, yeah. I know it's the thought that counts. You don't gotta tell me. But every time I move I run into this stuff people have gotten me for holidays (that I've asked them not to get me) and I'm just like, "Why though?" I'll give you some examples: a 15-pound elephant nightlight that I literally never ever used, a sealed candle making kit, a giant magnet calendar like for a refrigerator, several bumper stickers (I don't put anything like that on my vehicle), a few bibles (I'm not religious), a motion-detected singing cat ornament, a few creepy angel cherub knick knacks, a sealed 1000 piece puzzle, many MANY many gag gifts (funny socks, book of bathroom jokes, donald trump magnet set, animal butt magnets, cat costumes, bamboozle jelly beans, daily calendar of insults)... Do I need to continue? Anyway, you're probably wondering why I don't just STFU and politely accept the gifts. Well, here's why: 1. It's awkward to get gifts without giving them in return, but I also don't have the mental capacity/time to try to figure out something for that many people. 2. I have to move all of this shit every time I switch apartments. The last time I moved, Kira was like, okay, this is just ridiculous. We had an entire closet where we'd just been tossing these random gifts and then I had to go through and decide if I wanted to throw away people's hard earned money or move an obnoxiously large and awkward elephant light up and down a bunch of stairs into an apartment where I had no room for it. I saw my family right after this move, which was during the summer, and very politely begged them: "Please, please don't get us any more Christmas gifts when the time comes around. I don't want to throw away your money, but we just literally have no room for these gifts in a one bedroom apartment. I would really rather just get the kids gifts and not receive any at all." They said, "Well, if you want to throw away the gifts, then that's fine..." I was like, "You don't understand. If you get me any more of these gifts, I'm literally going to throw them away in the dumpster before I even get to my apartment. I don't want them or have any use for them. Please use the money on a dinner for yourselves or on gifts for the children." Guess who got an oversized desktop owl paperweight for Christmas 4 months later? This guy. No apology because my urge is genuine |
| Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Intentionally enjoy your day before writing today’s entry. Be present with your family and friends or make an effort to do something you love. At the end of the day, when you are content and the house is quiet, write a maximum of five sentences describing the most positive thing you will remember about today. Oh no, sentence limits and I just used one of them.  I drank a bit, didn't argue with anyone, and got to catch up with a bunch of family members who I don't see often. I miss out on the day-to-day shit because I live farther away and just don't come around much. People look different when I see them, especially my nieces who are growing faster than I could possibly keep up with. Overall, a successful day.  |
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack Song: Can't Finish What You Started [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about a time when you surprised yourself with your abilities. Is there a specific time you can remember when you were convinced that you could not do something, and then you did it? Tell us! Oh, this is just my standard state of being. I never look upon something with confidence like, aw, yeah, I'm gonna rock this. Gotta keep expectations low, even for myself, so that when I do succeed at something it's a pleasant surprise. Other people definitely have a lot more faith in me than I have in myself. Let's just breakdown my day today from 12:00am until now (10:30pm). Here are all the things I thought I couldn't do today: 1) Go to sleep. At around 2 in the morning, I had this thought while reading in bed like, I'm never going to fall asleep tonight. 2) Fall back asleep after waking up. I woke up at around 5 in the morning and thought, Fuck, I only got 2 hours of sleep and I'm never gonna fall back asleep now. 3) Wake up. When Kira started cooking breakfast at 7:30am, I thought something like, Oh no, there's no way I can wake up right now. 4) Eat breakfast. Once breakfast was finished, I was staring at my plate like, Ugh, why am I so nauseous every morning. There's no way I can eat. 5) Go to school. Between 8am and 1pm, I thought roughly 46 times, Yeahhhh, there's no way I'm gonna make it to school. The weather sucks. I feel like shit. Etc. 6) Meet with my professor. I had a meeting with my professor set for 2 o'clock and definitely thought, I'm not going to get any clear answers from him. This is pointless. I should just stay home. 7) Walk up all the stairs at school. Again, I feel like shit. My breathing sucks. I can't walk up all these flights of stairs. 8) Take a quiz. Always tons of self down involved there. I didn't study for this. I'm gonna fail. I should just not take it. It's a waste of paper. 9) Go home. Once I've been at school all day, then I don't want to leave because it's raining and I have to walk all the way to the car. I forgot my jacket. I'm gonna get more sick if I leave now. I'm just going to hang out in the library. 10) Write this entry. Once I finally get home from the epically long day, then I start thinking about all the things I need to do before I can lay down for the night and try to relax™ for a bit. I need to have dinner, do the assignment that's due at midnight, take a shower, respond to emails. There's no way I'll have time to write a blog entry. You get the idea. I am just NOT a confident person. I could write a series on negative self talk. And yes, I did actually accomplish all those tiny things today that I thought I couldn't do. If it sounds exhausting to you, you're right. I've always been this neurotic too. I mean, the only time I wasn't was when I was on #drugs, but that's because I only cared about 1 thing in the universe during that time. Aside from that, overanalyzing everything since birth, I swear.I remember one incident with lil Charlie when I was maybe 6 or 7. My mother and I were going to the store because she forgot to get bananas for a dessert she was making. Our conversation kind of went like this: Me, in the backseat: Ma, what will we do if they don't have bananas? Ma: What do you mean? Me: If the store doesn't have bananas, what will we do? Ma: Like if they're out of bananas...? Me: Yeah Ma: Go to a different store, I guess...? Me: What if all the stores are out of bananas? Ma: Why would all of the stores be out of bananas? Me: What if they got lost on a truck or the farmers don't have any? Ma: ............................ Me: Ma? Ma: ... The store will have bananas, Charlie.  So, the short answer, I guess, is that I'm fully convinced I can't do things on a daily basis. I also thoroughly impress myself when I do actually accomplish even the smallest thing. Nothing in life is accomplished through one big action. "I can't graduate school" isn't a time I thought I couldn't do something. It was a series of a million times I thought I couldn't do something. It was all the times I thought I couldn't pass an exam, finish writing a paper, get out of bed and go to school, work with a lazy group on a project, etc. You just have to keep pushing through the tiny "I can't" moments until you get an "I did." It doesn't make a bit of difference if you start what you can't finish |
Artist: Fall Out Boy Song: Thnks fr th mmrs [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Thanksgiving is coming up later this week in the US. Today, tell us what you’re thankful for. Make a list describing at least five things you’re thankful for. I see you trying to make even the most cynical among us write something positive, Em. This prompt is funny because my best half and I were just talking earlier about how we still say "thank you" to each other all.the.time. If she grabs a napkin for herself at dinner and grabs one for me - oh, thank you. If I go into the bedroom first and turn the light on so she can see her way to the bed - oh, thank you. She brought this up because we had dinner earlier and probably said "thanks" to each other at least 10 times in the 20 minutes it took to make dinner and sit down to eat. So, that's where I should start, right?5 Things I'm grateful for this year: Kira Here's something I noticed recently about Kira. Well, first, I'll say that I don't think you ever actually stop learning new things about your significant other. You gain new perspectives with growth and you notice things that have been there all along. But anyway, I recently realized that Kira does not apply bad intentions to any of my behaviors. And that's actually super rare. Usually when a person feels wronged or angry, they immediately say, "That asshole definitely did that shit on purpose just to piss me off." I've realized that she doesn't do that. Even if she does get angry about a behavior or action, she leaves it at that - a negative outcome, but not necessarily a negative input. It's incredibly important to someone who's an impulsive screw up like me. Friends If you're someone I can text/message/email and get a reply like, "Hey Charlie, what's going on? You good?" I honestly owe you so much. Those people who are just reliable and consistent are so underrated. I hope that I've been a good friend back. Good Health I know that there is nothing more important than having generally good health for those I love and myself. There isn’t a day that goes by that I’m not thankful for the people I care about being healthy. It’s something I won’t ever take for granted. My Education Very thankful that I live in a country where I can freely educate myself in a field of my choice. Not so thankful for the obscene student loan debt, but trying to keep positive here. I’m thankful to have access to an accredited higher education. I’m also thankful that I’ll be done in a few weeks.Basic Necessities I’m thankful to have a roof over my head, a bed, food, access to clean water, freedom and free will to speak my mind without fear of retribution or government intervention, general safety, a vehicle to get me from point a to point b, clothing, love, et cetera. I point this out because I’ve received a few reviews or comments over the years pointing out that my situation isn’t so bad compared to people who live in third world countries. I just want it to be clear that I am aware that my baseline quality of life is vastly superior to those who are less fortunate or live in third world countries. I also would like to let those people know that multiple things can be sad at the same time. Me dealing with trauma can be sad without taking away the sadness from someone who doesn’t have a bed. There is (sadly) not a finite amount of sadness in this world. One night and one more time Thanks for the memories Even though they weren't so great |
Artist: Hole Song: Celebrity Skin [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : If you could be a fly on the wall of any living person’s life for one day, whose life would you want to observe? This is a good question. Possibly the most difficult prompt for me so far in this month's "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" . I'll be interested in seeing what other people write.I'm really not into any celebrities or otherwise famous people. I don't believe in idolizing anyone but yourself. So that really narrows down the pool a lot. Plus, I think famous people probably live boring, lonely lives like 95% of the time. With my luck, I'd end up as a fly on the wall during one of their 'lay in bed and binge watch netflix' days. The Trump administration would be a cool one to shadow right now. Just to see how much they're losing their shit on a daily basis. I'm sure I'd come out of that feeling like my personal shit is mild. I definitely wouldn’t want someone to be able to be a fly on my wall. I know that much. I’m on a need to know basis with a lot of people so it would be awful if one of those people could secretly watch everything I do and then go buzz off and tell all the other need-to-knows. Oh, I got it! I’d like to be a fly on the wall of a very prolific writer. Specially when they’re in writer mode. You know, like Stephen King or R.L. Stine. I’d just like to observe the process of someone who completes a lot of books that also sell really well. What does their average writing day look like? How long do they write at once? Where do they write? How is the day broken up? How much do they sleep? You know, all the interesting data points. |
Artist: Sunny Day Real Estate Song: 8 [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What numbers hold special meaning for you? Consider dates, times, ages, years, or anything else you can count. 8 is a really cool number. When I was younger, I used to have one of those wood grain brown alarm clocks  with the red digits. I linked a picture of it because I knew so many people who had this exact same alarm clock. We actually had 3 of them in our house and they lasted absolutely forever. I think if we still had them, they'd probably still be working.Anyway, I used to stare at this clock for hours as a kid. When I couldn't sleep at night, I'd just lay there and watch the minutes change. I realized at some point that every number on the alarm was made out of an 8. If you looked closely, you could see the faint 8s no matter what number was actually displayed. It was really 88:88 always. Sometimes the 8s just had a few less lines. I've obviously got an unhealthy attachment to this alarm clock and the number 8, but there's a reason for it. It's because I have unhealthy memories attached to the alarm clock and the number 8. When I was a little Charlie, ya know, like 5-9 years old or whatever, I would use this clock as a religious test. I knew you weren't supposed to test God and all that (don't worry, I confessed about it - but kept doing it ). If there was something going on that I didn't like, I would stare at this clock and think, IF God is real, then whatever is happening will stop by the next 8. For example, if my parents were loudly screaming and breaking shit, I would stare at the clock and test religion this way.That makes a max of 9 minutes, right? If the clock was, for example, 2:19... I'm basically begging God to make it stop by 2:28. And I'd watch the clock like that: 2:20 2:21 2:22 2:23 ... In case you're wondering, this never ever fucking ever worked. But it was this religious-induce faith I had as a young kid because I had literally nothing else to rely on. I had to hold onto the hope of something because the turmoil at home was so much to take in that I felt like I couldn't do it alone. Obviously, I could and I did. But I became more and more angry because I was using religion in the wrong way. I was using it as a saving grace for something that it could never be. As I got into the latter part of that 5-9 range, I started doing it just out of habit, superstition, obsession. I'm not sure. I felt like something worse would happen if I didn't do it, so I started doing it to basically ward of something more sinister. Of course, still, nothing happened. But in this case, it was a good thing because that's exactly what I'd asked for, right? I'd ask for it to just remain the same at the very least because I knew how much worse it could get. The anxiety of what might happen if I didn't do it was overwhelming, so I continued doing it religiously (no pun intended) for years. My point is, if you ever wanna give your kids obsessive compulsive disorder, here's a good starting point.  Also, 8 is a great number because it comprises all other numbers and just becomes  if you accidentally knock it over. |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Poison Oak [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about writing. What makes you feel inspired to write? What steps do you take to get your words from your head onto the page? What does your editing and rewriting process look like? What have you learned from fellow writers? I've managed to get yet another upper respiratory infection or something, which is the second one in the past 3 months.  I'm just happy it didn't happen during midterms or finals. Anyway, I'll break this prompt down briefly.What makes you feel inspired to write? I haven't felt inspired to write at all in a long time. I feel like the never-ending academia writing and reading took away my ability to write creatively. On top of that, a lot of the people I used to write with or at least read on WDC aren't on the site or writing at the moment. I used to get a lot of inspiration from a group of poets here, but it seems like they're not around anymore. Now it's basically just writing for blog prompts because it's easy, nonfictional stuff. I figure writing something is better than writing nothing at all, even if it doesn't really scratch the creative writing itch. What steps do you take to get your words from your head onto the page? When I used to write poetry, I would start with one line or even just a few words that randomly popped into my head. I would just toss the words around in my head for a while before even attempting to actually put them on paper. Sometimes I could expand upon the words in my head or think of some additional lines I wanted to use. Then I'd type up the words I had so far and go from there in expanding. My draft pages from poetry writing are often the same couple lines tried out in twenty different ways of expansion. I'd brainstorm some, then just hit enter a few times and restart. I'd do that until it started to come together. What does your editing and rewriting process look like? Pretty much nonexistent. Something that I think a lot of people don't understand is that there are different types of writers with different goals. If I've written something on the page that is at least cohesive and expresses the things I set out to express, I'm good with it. I can tell from reviews I've seen on the reviewing page and reviews that I've gotten myself that a lot of people insert their personal writing goals on other people. I have no intentions of publishing my writing. When I get a review that says, "In order to publish your writing, you'll need to appeal to such and such writing audience..." Those are essentially throwaway words for me. Not that they aren't important or appreciated in a review, but they essentially don't apply to me. Even if I made those changes to target a specific audience, I am not going to publish my writing at any point in the foreseeable future. So, no, not everyone needs to take the time to rework or rewrite their writing with the intention of publishing. That being said, if there are typos or specific things that could use some work, I have no problem with rewriting. But if it's some vague, big project that's going to take hours to rewrite, that's just a no for me. It's not aligned with my personal writing goals. What have you learned from fellow writers? What have I learned or what have I learned that I actually follow? I don't follow it, but I've definitely learned that if you want to write, you just have to do it. There's no magic formula for finding your muse or inspiration. You just have to actually sit and put words on paper. If you do it frequently enough, it becomes like second nature. I know this to be true because I wrote 100 poems in 100 days while doing Give It 100, which is something I would have thought impossible for me.Now I've written a few poems in the past couple YEARS. I can't even imagine writing 100 poems in 100 days. But I do know that if I actually put my mind to it and started writing, by the end of it writing a poem would be easy again. I've also learned what I stated above... that not all writers have the same goals. Sometimes I review something and then the person responds asking what I think about their chances of publishing, what the critics/audience feedback might be, etc. That helped me realize that we all have different purposes for writing and none of them are wrong, they're just different. Let the poets cry Themselves to sleep And all their tearful words Would turn back into steam |
Artist: Blondie Song: Hanging on the Telephone [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about a missed connection. My first thought here is... how would you even know if you had a missed connection? Isn't it by definition something that didn't occur?Or maybe I just don't romanticize things enough. I've seen in movies and maybe heard about people like making eye contact with a stranger and then walking away thinking you should have talked to them. I've gotta say, I've never had that experience in my entire life. I don't really have that level of physical attraction to people where I can look at a stranger and be like, "Ohhhhh snap." I can objectively say that someone has attractive features, but that doesn't mean I want to talk to them or get to know them better. I figure I've got enough of a spider's web going in life, there's no benefit to dragging a complete stranger into it for funsies. For the sake of the prompt though, I will tell a story that I think I've told before here. It's been a long time, so I'll tell it again abridged. Answer to prompt starts here.  In middle school, there was a new girl in my grade. As soon as she started at my small, rural school, there were a ton of rumors about her. As kids do, the rumors became more and more outlandish with time. First it was that she’d been molested by her dad and sent into foster care. Then it was that she had killed her dad for molesting her and been sent to foster care. Then, maybe worst of all, that she’d made the entire thing up and had been sent to foster care because she was crazy.By chance, she ended up sitting in front of me in one of my classes on her first day of school. We started talking because I consistently forgot to bring a pencil to math class and regularly depended on her to provide me with one for the duration of class. Eventually, we ended up talking about more than my pencil forgettability. We became friends. My 13-year-old self had this extremely bright idea to never ever under any circumstance bring up what had happened to her. I figured she’d heard all the rumors about herself and I didn’t want her to think that I thought of her as the girl whose dad molested her because that’s not how I thought of her. We talked every day, studied together, hung out after school and on the weekends. We were pretty much inseparable, and I kept my silent vow to completely avoid at all cost bringing up her past. I remember this night so clearly. I was at her house one night. We were sitting in her bedroom listening to music and she just blurted out, “You do know I was molested by my dad, right?” Of course, I was still trying to be nice™ at the time, so I immediately started blabbering like, “Oh, yeah, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to talk about it. Blahblahblah.” I’ll never forget this look she got on her face. She was like, “Can I just please…?!”  Lightbulb moment for me.That’s when I realized that sometimes people just need to be heard and believed. Without you trying to solve the problem. Without you inserting your opinion or your spin on it. Without you avoiding what happened. It’s so simple, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t realized it before. I’d spent all this time trying to be sensitive to the situation and nice™ when I really should have just given her a place to be heard and believed, something she’d clearly needed for so long. Anyway, this is a missed connection because she was rather abruptly sent back into foster care and it was completely devastating. We tried to keep in touch as much as possible through letters, but it’s difficult to do when someone is getting bounced around. For years, I would think about her and that situation, especially when it came time to actively listen to another human being. It was a huge lesson for me in empathy. I always felt this longing to know what happened to her and this deep well of sadness because I knew there was nothing I could do to protect her, wherever she did end up. Then, out of nowhere, she contacted my mother on social media a few years ago and asked my mother for my contact information because she wanted to talk to me. I couldn’t believe it that after all there’s years there would finally be closure. But, as with a lot of things in life, it was nothing like the idealistic conclusion I’d built up in my head for years. I mean, it was at first. She thanked me for being there for her and told me how important of a role I played in her life at that time. I was relieved to know that my avoidance of her situation hadn’t tainted her memory of me. And then the initial reconnection was over. Things just got weirded. She started saying all of these things to me that made no sense. Talking about things that supposedly occurred with us or around us during that time that I don’t remember at all. She became weirdly intent on visiting me almost immediately after we reconnected, and when I told her that we should maybe take some time to get to know who each other is now (honestly thinking of how I’ve changed in that time), she offered to bring me drugs if I let her visit me. It was just… bizarre. I still miss the fuck out of who she was when we were kids, but I had to cut off contact with her as she became increasingly unstable over the course of a couple weeks. I don’t blame her at all because she obviously went through so much, but I couldn’t get any sense of the person that I once knew. Sad as hell, but sometimes lost connections should stay lost. I'm in the phone booth, it's the one across the hall If you don't answer, I'll just ring it off the wall |
Artist: Stone Temple Pilots Song: Vasoline [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What do you value most in a job/career? What about a job makes it satisfying and fulfilling? If you currently hold your “dream job,” what makes it perfect for you? If you are still seeking your dream job, how will you know when you’ve found it? If you are retired, think back to how you felt when you were working Ha, the timing of these prompts sometimes... Currently dealing with some work stress. But, ah, let's see what I can actually talk about in relation to this prompt. What do you value most in a job/career? Is it bad that I don't really know yet? I think once I get into my actual career, I'll know what's actually important to me. Right now I have a general idea of things I think I want in a career.  Room for growth/upward movement and continuous learning Mutual trust and respect with an employer Flexibility in schedule, work location, and dress code Stability, good benefits, and good pay A financially and culturally healthy company (which enables all of the above)Ideally, a company should want their employees to be empowered. They should want them to become further educated, to have diverse work experiences across a multitude of disciplines, and to have access to any and all tools/resources that enable their empowerment and well-being. I won't stick with a company for long if they don't display that kind of culture. If you currently hold your “dream job,” what makes it perfect for you? NOPE. If you are still seeking your dream job, how will you know when you’ve found it? This is a good question. I think it's probably one of those 'when you know, you know' things, but I have no experience to back up that claim. I guess one thing I always thought is that when a job doesn't always feel like a job. I think any job is going to feel like a job occasionally, but if you go to sleep every night dreading waking up the following morning because you have to go to work, it's probably not your dream job. If I find a place where I'm comfortable and confident with the value I add to the team, I get along with management and my co-workers, and I don't mind spending time doing the work... that's probably a dream job. If you are retired, think back to how you felt when you were working. Oh, scratch all of the above, I just wanna be retired. Flies in the vasoline we are Sometimes it blows my mind Keep getting stuck here all the time |
Artist: White Stripes Song: We're Going to be Friends [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Do you remember your first friend? Under what circumstances did you become friends? Are you still in contact with them or any of your other childhood friends? I shuffled through friends quickly in school. I had a core group of friends I would hang out with, but I went back and forth between schools and didn't really stay in touch with people very well. Once I got to middle school, I started hanging out with a group of much older kids and thought kids my age were 'lame' because I was dumb. My point is, I'm not very good at being friends with people. Even now, I just cycle through friends depending on what's convenient. I have incidental friends because we happen to be in the same place at the same time frequently. I do remember my first 'friend' though. I don't remember his name, but I know it started with a 'C'. Craig? Chris? Something like that. We were in daycare together for a short period of time before I started kindergarten. The only reason I remember him is because I absolutely hated the concept of staying in a weird place with strangers. Whenever a situation like this arose at that age, I would be completely standoffish and quiet forever. Adults would always say stuff like, "Oh, he'll warm up!" It never happened. I could go to a daycare for months (and did) while refusing to speak to or acknowledge anyone because I was so uncomfortable. Anyway, being my antisocial self, I was swinging alone in the backyard of the daycare (which was really just some random woman's house) probably 3 or 4 months after I started attending. Chris or Craig or whatever came up and asked if he could swing with me, to which I moodily shrugged and motioned for him to take the swing next to me. Obviously, I quickly realized that Craig or Chris wasn't a nefarious person within 5 minutes of him talking to me about everything from his favorite tv shows to the trampoline he had at home to what he had for dinner the night before. We spent the entire afternoon hanging out, playing with each other, and talking. I remember this so fondly because I thought something like, Oh, my parents are going to be really happy that I finally opened up and made a friend here. But when my mother picked me up after work, the head of the daycare told her, "Charlie has been playing with Chris or Craig all day. I'm surprised they get along because Craig or Chris is such a troublemaker and Charlie is the most well-behaved, quiet kid we have here." I thought it was so bizarre because Chris or Craig had done literally nothing to indicate that he was a 'bad' kid and I'd been hanging out with him all day. I had no idea what she was talking about and I got really offended on behalf of this kid who I'd known for a whole 4 hours. I was really worried getting into the car that my parents were going to say that I couldn't be friends with him anymore because he was a troublemaker. Luckily, they didn't do that at all. They were just happy that I was finally being social with someone and encouraged me to keep talking to him by asking before dropping me off the next morning, "Are you excited to see Chris or Craig?" So that's the story of my first friend and no, we lost touch immediately after I started kindergarten because shockingly 5 year old me was even worse at keeping in touch than 27 year old me. We did play together every day the rest of the time I was at the daycare, which was just a few more months. And, in case anyone is wondering, he was kind of a troublemaker, but not in any serious way that would explain warning another kid's parents about him. It was just usual 5 year old kid stuff, like sneaking an extra cookie at snack time or scaring people with a bug or something. We will rest upon the ground And look at all the bugs we found Safely walk to school without a sound |
Artist: Bush Song: Swallowed [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What characteristics do you admire in a leader? Is there or was there a time in your life when you took on a leadership role? Research different leadership styles and describe which style you would most like to follow. Which style are you? When you are in a leadership position, do you exemplify the qualities you admire in a good leader? I'm probably going to keep this kind of brief because I'm not super happy with myself right now. I thought I'd been doing better the past week, but then I let someone get under my skin today which caused me to lose my temper in a l o u d way. Now I just feel totally shitty and drained. Like I wasn't even getting better in the first place. Anyway, I did a better explanation of what I like in a leader here: "Invalid Entry" What characteristics do you admire in a leader? Empathy is a big one. Understanding where their followers are coming from, not leading through fear, but leading through a sense of inspiration and motivation. Also someone who leads by example rather than just delegating tasks to people below them. Practice what you preach and all that. Is there or was there a time in your life when you took on a leadership role? I've done this a lot in school. Most of the time you either have to end up taking the leadership role or taking a bad grade. It's up to you. Some semesters I've not cared much about the grade because the group portion of the class was minimal. In that case, I'll focus on the individual work and let the group grade fail if no one else wants to work with me. Research different leadership styles and describe which style you would most like to follow. Which style are you? I've researched six styles of leadership before. I think I fall into a mix between Participative and Human-oriented and that's probably what I'd like to follow too. In participative style, leaders ask for help in making decisions from their followers. I do this in pretty much every leader-type position I've been in. In human-oriented style, the leader uses an empathetic and supportive approach highlighting humility and modesty.When you are in a leadership position, do you exemplify the qualities you admire in a good leader? I think I've had my ups and downs in this area. Sometimes it's hard when you're thrusted into a leadership position that you don't want. I find myself having a bit less humility than I'd ideally like in those situations. I tend to get this negative attitude like, well if I'm going to be forced to lead this team, then I'm going to do things my way. It's something I've worked on in my years at college. I'm generally fairly empathetic though, and I definitely lead by example. I still usually end up doing the majority of the work even as a leader. Ultimately, I don't want to lead or be lead. I want to work alongside people who can drift in and out of the role as needed to boost morale and get things done. |
Artist: Alice in Chains Song: Sea of Sorrow [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is something that most people misunderstand or wrongly assume about you? My first thought is the classic introvert's misunderstanding... You're quiet, so you're stuck up. On a few different occasions I've gotten to know someone pretty well and then they tell me something like, "I didn't really like you when I first met you because you were so quiet I just assumed you were stuck up and kind of rude." For that reason alone, I try to make conversation when I meet people. I don't care if it's about something boring or if I sound stupid. Most people aren't confident by nature so they're going to assume that you're thinking something negative or that you're standoffish if you don't hold a conversation with them when you meet. I'm still introverted, but I can have short periods of intense socialization before I get too worn out. I've noticed that I've been received totally differently since I started acting (and it is 100% acting) extroverted and a bit overhyped when I meet a new person. But I have a feeling this is a common one for most introverts, and if my recollection of past blogging prompt responses is accurate, a lot of writers seem to be extroverted. So I'll go with something else... I think a big one is my age. People assume I'm, like, waaay younger than I am. I think part of it is because I'm in college, but my classmates and professors all think I'm 19 or 20. If someone asks how old I am and I say I'm 27, good lord, the reactions... NO WAY. You're not. You can't be. No. Me, getting increasingly uncomfortable: Surprise, I guess? Outside of school, people think I'm even younger. Most recently, I was told that I needed a guardian's signature at the optometrist. Told them I was 27. They thought I was 17 and even wrote 17 in their electronic files because they thought the '2' on my form must have been a '1' because there was no way I could be 27. Kira told them that we'd been married for 6 years and I was definitely 27. They told me to show them my ID to prove it, and then spent the rest of the time hinting/joking that my ID was fake. Getting alcohol is super annoying/difficult. I give them my ID and they look it over for like 2 minutes while looking back and forth between the ID and my face while squinting at me suspiciously. It's an innocuous assumption. The only time it has actually bothered me is in school because I'm a little bit sensitive about being older than the other students. I also don't like when professors diminish my accomplishments because of my age. I had a professor tell me, after finding out my age, "Oh, it explains why you're at the top of the class then. You're more mature." Pssssssh. Joke's on you. I have the emotional capacity of a 12 year old and haven't mentally matured beyond 16. Mind, of destructive taste I choose to stroll amongst the waste |
Artist: TV on the Radio Song: Wolf Like Me [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : There are 45 days remaining in the year. What do you want to do or accomplish before 2019 is over? Sorry I haven't really been around in the blogs for a couple days. I have a lot of work to catch up on now that my exams are over, but I keep getting migraines at night which is making it super difficult to look at the computer screen at the end of the day. I can't read walls of text right now and I certainly can't write them, so here's a quick breakdown of what I want to do with the rest of 2019. Graduate You already knew that, I won't belabor it. Find a job(?) Question mark here because I'd be cool with finding a job right now, but I'm also more than okay with waiting until the new year when companies have a fresh annual budget to work with and don't have the holidays looming overhead. It's not the best time of year to join a company. Sort meds/therapy I'd like to get my meds balanced. I've been taking benzos a lot to try to quell my anxiety. I should really be taking a daily med at this point because obviously addiction is an issue for me and it has been months of this, so I dunno that stopping now will go over super well. I'd also like to get into therapy, but you guys have nooo idea how difficult this is to do without health insurance. I contacted several different offices and even individual therapists last week because I was losing my mind a bit (a lot) and thought I'd have to go inpatient. Would you believe, like, 90% of them never contacted me back? The couple that did contact me back wanted $150-200 per 45 minute appointment and won't take any less for self-pay/cash payment. So, that's awesome. One of them also requires weekly appointments for all patients in the beginning. Fun math time... $200 * 4 = $800 a month For 45 * 4 = 180 / 60 = 3 hours of a therapist's time a month.  Avoid holiday stress I stress out every year at this time because it involves a lot of family parties and stuff like that. I'm vowing to stay away from it this year. I'm going to still go because I want to see my nieces, but I'm not going to get worked up over it. I've already been invited to family stuff around the holidays and I'm like, nope, no thanks. Probably not a big deal to other people, but my family is very heavy-handed with guilt tripping and will talk mad shit about you if you don't do what they want, so, proud of myself on that one. Finish 30DBC Over halfway through the month, gotta finish now, right? |
Artist: Blind Melon Song: Toes Across the Floor [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : If you had to spend one million dollars in one day, what would you spend it on? Well, since I have to spend it today instead of investing it... Honestly, $1 million isn’t even that much money. I could buy a modestly-sized condo, pay off my student loans, and possibly have enough to pay some medical debts. That’s a million dollars gone. I mean, I obviously wouldn't turn down a million dollars, but it's not some kind of astronomical amount of money where I'd have to get super creative to figure out how to spend it all in 24 hours. If it was a billion dollars, that would be a different story. Then I'd be throwing money at reputable charities and paying off mortgages for all of my family members and friends. I'd build a library in every city and name them after myself like Alexander the Great naming 70 cities after himself. In an area that had a lower cost of living, a million dollars would go a lot further. Then I could buy a house, a new car, pay off my student loans and all my other debt, and probably still have some left over to play around with. But in the city? Nope. People are like, "Oh, a million dollars? I make those every year." That being said, a million dollars would take a lot of stress off my shoulders. Only having an HOA, utilities, and possibly parking to pay each month? Sign me up.  I'd scrape my toes across the floor This day's the same as those before |
Artist: The Smashing Pumpkins Song: Thirty-Three [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : In your entry today, write about focus. Use the following questions to guide you. At what time of day are you the most focused? When you need to focus on a task, how do you prevent distractions? How do you manipulate your environment to keep yourself focused? How else do you practice focus in your life? Any tools or techniques you can share? Ugh, I did really bad on my exams. I guess that's what happens when you miss school for weeks at a time. It was impossible for anyone to foresee this outcome! Oh, and by the way, I posted a request for other emoticon reactions for blog entries so that you could cry at my exam failure: "Additional Emoticon Reactions for Blog Entries" . Anyway, I'm terrible at that whole focus thing, so this prompt should be fun. Fun fact: I'm so bad at focus that I take my exams in a separate empty room with extra time and I still use ear plugs because the tiniest of noises (muffled voices in another room, heater humming, proctor sniffling) distracts me from my exam so much that I run out of time. At what time of day are you the most focused? I don't really have a specific time of day where I can focus. I have specific days where my focus is much better than others, but it's not so much a time of day thing. It's just like sometimes I can write a paper in an hour and a half and other days that same paper would take me 7 hours. Generally speaking though, I'd say afternoon is a good focus time for me. Anything too early or too late doesn't work at all from me, so I'd say maybe noon to 4p.m. would work best if I needed to pick a time to be focused. When you need to focus on a task, how do you prevent distractions? Ear plugs. Trying to completely block out sound is the only way I go now when I'm trying to focus. Staying away from sites like WDC - yes, it's next to impossible. If I absolutely must focus to get something done, having a deadline is really good motivator. Once something is due in a few hours, the pressure usually pushes me to focus and just get it done. A line I use on myself is, "Just get it done, even if it sucks, at least it will be over." Usually, it doesn't even end up sucking that bad because once I'm in the groove of doing it, the quality improves.How do you manipulate your environment to keep yourself focused? I try to stay away from people when I need to focus. Throughout college I've had friends try to study with me for exams, and I just can't. I see them and start talking and then we basically get nothing done. I turn the tv off, turn my music off, empty the room, close the curtains so I can't look outside. Now that I'm describing this, I've realized that I basically turn my study space into a prison in the hopes of concentrating. How else do you practice focus in your life? I've tried to start reading more to quiet my mind at night. It's really hard to get through a novel when you're used to getting bits of information in a few sentences or less. I also do deep breathing exercises a few times a day to just try to ground myself in the moment, and it actually does help me briefly reset when I'm getting burned out on something that's going on. Any tools or techniques you can share? Don't lose sight of the reason you're trying to focus in the first place. My worst concentration moments are the ones where I've forgotten the endgame. Break things down into small tasks. Give yourself a specific timeframe to work on something. "I'm going to work on this task for 35 minutes." Set a timer if you have to and practice self control by not checking your phone, email, wdc, or whatever. |
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