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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: We Are Scientists Song: After Hours [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  Prompt: Tell us something uplifting! We need good news now more than ever. What is something positive that happened or is about to happen in your life? What has made you smile recently?First of all, I'm just excited to see so many people signed up to 30DBC this month. There are a lot of new faces, old faces, and even faces I dragged in kicking and screaming just because I enjoy blogging with them.  Let's have a good month together. I'll try not to be too emotional/offensive (because I have a tendency to be both).  I guess that’s the first bit of uplifting news! We have another monthly challenge upon us where we can write with old friends and get to know new ones.  Good news is absolutely in short supply now, but despite my previous ranting and my currently unstable mental health status, I do have a lot to be thankful for. As most of you know, I graduated college in December and managed to land a really good role in my field straight away. That job is still going well even with everything else going on. My job hasn’t been affected yet (knock on wood) by everything that’s happening. In fact, my work flow is smoother than ever. My coworkers and I really like being able to share our screen with each other to work through things together virtually without risking getting each other sick. My work-life balance has also become a lot easier to manage without the morning and evening commute, plus the time spent getting ready in the morning. No, I’m not one of those people who wakes up early every morning and gets ready for work from home to put me in the “work” mood.  I’m enjoying my extra hour and a half of sleep. On top of that, I’m moving soon and I’m pretty excited about it. My current place holds a lot of memories because I’ve been here for quite a while. I did most of my schooling here though, so I think it’s a good idea to move on from that place where I panicked through university. The new place is a bit bigger so we’ll have a little more space that we’ve been needing for a while. Plus, it’s in a quieter neighborhood. So we’re looking forward to that. You see, my wife’s best friend lives with us and we have been managing for many years with only one bathroom. One bathroom! I think they each spend about 4 hours a day in the bathroom so you see why having a second one is good news! Other than that, I’m just trying to stay positive. Trying not to let my anxiety and fears get in the way of the things I need to get done a day-to-day basis. Work and life don’t come to a standstill for anything really. It’s easy for me to say this when I have the ability work from home, but I’ll be an utter wreck when I have to return to the office. In the meantime, just appreciative that my friends and family are healthy and being very safe during this time. And, of course, happy to be able to share another month of blogging with you all. We're finally drunk enough that We're finally soaking up The hours that everyone else throws away |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Chicago [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: How has your idea of lockdown/quarantine changed since the beginning of this month?"JAFBG" Prompt: Tell us your worst fears in regards to the current situation and the consequences thereof.I realized today that the same people who said in 2016 that we should vote Trump in "just to see what happens" are the same people who are now saying that we should lift Covid-19 restrictions "just to see what happens." Where did all these kamikazes come from?? We don't have to try out everything just to see what happens. We have these things called science and statistical modeling that help us determine what will happen in a given scenario before we choose that scenario. And then we can actually use those findings to make informed decisions. That’s just a random thought that came to me today and I thought it was appropo for this prompt. Quarantine begins. I’ve actually been in lockdown longer than the average person in the US probably. I’m sitting at 7 weeks right now of only going to the grocery store 3 times a month. Nothing else. I wanted to self-isolate in the beginning. I had been quietly monitoring the spread of this virus since the beginning of January. When I heard Trump say that only 15 people in the US had it and that number would soon be zero, I thought, Oh man, we’re fucked. This was on February 9th. I was monitoring the spread in other countries as well. I remember watching Italy and watching the cases popping up in my own city. My coworkers had me convinced that I was losing it. They would tell me, “Well, we’re not Italy. That’s not going to happen to the US.” They has me convinced for a while too. I was sitting at my desk during the first week of March thinking, Get it together, Charlie, don’t let your OCD do this to you. You’re still new here. You’re overanalyzing things. It’s just the OCD. Well... fuck that and fuck those people who gaslighted me into questioning what was right in front of my eyes. I walked out of work soon after that day and called my boss and begged him to let me start working from home. I was like, “If I’m wrong, I’ll accept that, but let me make that choice for myself.” And he apprehensively said okay. A week and a half later, everyone at the office was working from home. The first few weeks. I was doing really well the first few weeks of quarantine. I felt much safer at home and could actually focus on my work for the first time in a while. I was feeling lucky to have my job and to be able to easily work remotely without disrupting the work flow of my department. People quickly saw how responsive and hardworking I was at home, and suddenly everyone seemed okay with it. Right after, everyone else followed suit anyway and the fact that I was the first person to make a scene about it kind of faded away. I was almost happy during these weeks too because I got so much time back in my day without having to wake up early to commute or deal with the 5 o’clock traffic. I easily found 3 more hours in my day to sleep and relax. I was more productive than I’d ever been in the office, and people noticed. I’ve gotten several comments from people asking how I possibly finished something so quickly or did something so thoroughly in the allotted time. During this time, all my friends and family also switched to working remotely, so my mind relaxed a lot. I allowed myself the freedom to push the news away a little bit and that was really the best thing for my mental health at the time. Now that I felt safe and felt secure that my loved ones were safe, I didn’t really need to glue myself to it 24/7, so this was the most peaceful few weeks I had in a long time. Beginning of April. End of March/beginning of April is when cases really started spiking exponentially in the US and of course my unease crept back in then. The economic impact became more evident when we saw so many job layoffs and unemployment claims coming in. There were so many people who were ill but were refused testing. There were a lot of medical staff working without proper PPE, people dying alone, etc. Kind of hard to live in your little bubble and just be happy that you’re chill when all these horrible things are happening. The state restrictions kept getting extended, as they should, but it started kind of becoming more evident that this might be a long-term thing. When I initially requested to work from home, I was asking for the immediate time being without even thinking about the future weeks/months/years. I was still mentally doing okay-ish, still thankful for what I have and just wishing I could help everyone else. But being in the house with my thoughts for weeks was definitely starting to wear on my mind. Second half of April - AKA now. That brings us to the past couple weeks. They’ve certainly been rough. Somehow April has gone both quickly and excruciatingly slowly. Work is still going well, but somewhere in the month my anxiety came fully roaring back. Full on nighttime panic attacks, lack of sleep, racing heart, random aches and pains, asthma attacks, etc. have wrecked my schedule and my peace of mind. The push for states to reopen has increased my anxiety tenfold. While I can clearly do my job from home, I worry that my company will force everyone back into the office the second some of the restrictions are lifted. Going to the grocery store is extremely stressful and seeing random citizens in medical masks to pick up milk feels surreal and nearly caused me to dissociate. While I understand the push to reopen due to economic needs, the fact that it has become a partisan issue actually sickens me. Seeing people break social distancing mandates to protest state lockdowns while holding Trump 2020 signs and waving rebel flags tells you everything you need to know about the state of the US right now. I’ll leave most of the political ranting to lizco252isback ( ), but I honestly don’t know how this country is going to fare in the impending recession. I’ve seen multiple Trump 2024 bumper stickers, signs, and online posts. If we don’t get him out this year, we could very well see a dictatorship in a few years here. His supporters are a cult. Not a single person has been able to coherently explain to me why they support him.I have family members who are well-educated telling me that Bill Gates created the virus, that Trump is joking when he says something absolutely insane (because joking during a worldwide pandemic that is killing hundreds of thousands of people is reasonable), and that it’s a violation of their human rights to say they can’t go get their nails done at the salon. As with my boss on Covid-19, I will happily be wrong on this topic. However, with your quarantine time, I implore you to sink your teeth into some research on the rise of previous dictators and tell me that you see no similarities. Rabid supporters who believe their chosen one can do no wrong? Supporters who will believe their chosen one’s words over any contrary evidence? Supporters who believe they are serving a greater moral good that thus negates any action that ever could have been deemed immoral? An impending or active severe economic downturn that causes those supporters to double down? Hey, didn’t we see one of those before that led to something heinous? I don’t know what the answer is to opening the economy back up. I don’t know when that should happen. I don’t believe that just doing it will result in the majority of people re-entering society. We also don’t know if this will create further spread of the virus. There will be much more job loss and despair either way. But I do know for certain that I will not be listening to anyone who suggests in any way that potentially injecting disinfectant into patients could cure the virus. Whether he was joking or not, and we all know he wasn’t. We’re doing that thing where we pretend he was joking because even Trump supporters know how incredibly unintelligent that statement was. It quite frankly sounds like something my niece would have suggested as a possible solution when she was seven. The fact that they think saying that he was joking is even remotely better- during the middle of a fucking pandemic, is astonishingly horrifying. I don’t know where we’ll be after this is all said and done. There are so many unknowns at this point and it’s pretty scary. If I was crying In the van, with my friend It was for freedom From myself and from the land |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Nothing Gets Crossed Out [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "JAFBG" Prompt: Screw gratitude. List all the things that you're NOT grateful for right now.I'll preface this rant by saying that I have a lot to be grateful for right now. However, I'm still going to complain as I please, so, what's up.  Here's my list of things I am NOT grateful for right now:Like a pendulum. I cannot deal with the fucking back and forth on shit right now. Like, "Hey, maybe we should open shit up!" "Wait, maybe we shouldn't!" "Maybe we'll be back at work in mid-May." "Maybe we'll still be working from home in August." Fucking hell. It's so agitating to me that companies that are perfectly capable of telework are even waffling on this issue. I've been working 50 hours a week from home and I've been way more productive than I ever was at the office, cuz guess what? I don't have people distracting me all day by showing up in my office to talk about sports or some shit. And yet, even my manager and coworkers are regularly 'evaluating' whether we should stop teleworking. Why the fuck would we? What is the urgency? We're still fully operational. No one has been laid off or furloughed. Like, we're fucking chill so maybe just chill? Not to mention all the states that are going back and forth on whether to open up or when. I get that it's a big decision. It's an important decision. But in my opinion, if your daily growth rate of cases is still increasing, why are you even discussing it like it's reasonable to open up? I mean, I know why, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. I'm basically an expert. To go along with the above, you have all the people who just do not fucking get it. I took a ton of economics courses at university and I'm still limited in economic knowledge. But what I will say is that rushing to open up is not going to help the economy. I heard a coworker say gem the other day: "If we don't open the economy up soon, there isn't going to be an economy to open up!" First of all, what? There's always going to be an economy, it could just be in a depression, in which case it will eventually cycle out. But that's pedantic. What I mean to say is that: A) Just because you say "Okay, the economy is now open!" that doesn't actually mean anything. There are an absolute boatload of people who are not going to run out to restaurants and shopping centers when the lockdowns lift. People are scared. So, yes, it's great that they think they're going to save the economy by allowing people to get a haircut, but we still have to see how that plays out. Everyone I've talked to has told me they won't be rushing out to do things that aren't necessary. B) Even if people DO rush out to do non-essential activities, there's no saying that in two weeks or a month those areas won't be absolutely swamped with the virus. In which case the hospital system will become overloaded, lockdowns will have to be re-instituted, and there will be a huge loss of life. Ostensibly, the result of that would be further economic collapse. Then when the lockdowns lift again, people are even more terrified to go out, and guess what? Even more economic collapse. So, nope, not grateful for these 'experts' and the same goes for the "We should all just go out and get it at the same time so it will be over faster!" crowd. Loud neighbors. Oh man, what a terrible time to have obnoxious neighbors. My downstairs neighbors are fucking terrible people and here's why. They absolutely blare dupstep music, like, con frecuencia. I was on a conference call and someone on the call was like, "Um, are you listening to music?" Well, fuck me, Debra, I'm not trying to be. I've asked them multiple times even before the pandemic to turn their music down because it's shaking my floors and walls. I even almost got into a fight with the dude back in January. It bothers Kira a lot more than me generally speaking, but now that I'm home 24/7 and I'm trying to work, it's even more aggravating. I also happen to be a petty little bitch so I've been waking them up at six o'clock every morning by accidentally dropping shit on the ground and exercising. Perfect time for jumping jacks, right? They said that I keep waking them up when they're trying to sleep. Bummer, bro!Social media and the 24/7 news cycle. I don't pay attention to social media, unfortunately, I live in a society. Family members and friends are fucking constantly sending me stupid shit they saw on social media or unreputable news sites. I don't know how many fucking times I've been like, "Oh, hey, that's bullshit and here's the unbiased evidence from 2 fucking seconds of googling. And then they're just like, "Oh, I thought it was real." Based on what??? You thought it was real because someone on Twitter whose profile picture is a potato in sunglasses posted it? Why the fuck would you think that's a legit source of news? Just today my ma sent me a link to some sketchy-ass site that said the virus will be killed by 75 degree fahrenheit temperatures. I immediately looked at the site and it had like some super weird Russian propaganda and a bunch of other false news claims on it. When I pointed that out she said the same thing everyone says, "Oh, I didn't see that. I thought it was real." GUYSSSSSSS, fucking read something other than the headlines or one-liners while scrolling through stupid shit on your phone. Dig in even just a tiny amount. It will do you so much good in filtering out complete and utter trash. Not everything is about the virus. And at last, the final thing I'm not grateful for at all right now. The fact that everyone is using this virus as an excuse for fucking everything. For example, I and many other people I know, have attempted to get healthcare and support for chronic conditions that are pre-existing to this virus and been totally brushed off. I had a telehealth call with my doctor earlier this week because their office is closed. I told him that my asthma doesn't seem to be under control very well right now and I'd like to know what my options for treatment are at this point. He said, and I'm quoting, "Maybe you're just stressed out and anxious because we're hearing that a lot now with the virus." My dude... I have fucking ASTHMA. You are the person who diagnosed me. I'm asking about treatment for the condition you diagnosed me with, and you're brushing it off by saying maybe I'm anxious? My breathing is balls right now. Wanna help me take care of that as my doctor? I've heard the same from several friends and family members who have made attempts to get treatment for various things. We can't just spend the next however long until we get a vaccine brushing off healthcare for other medical ailments. That's a fucking problem. The future has got me worried, such awful thoughts My head is a carousel of pictures The spinning never stops |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Poison Oak [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] #SaferAtHome "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Which items in your home have a story of how they came to be there.Well... I've had a highly unproductive few days. I lost 80% of my weekend because I was taking pills and sleeping. Which is annoying because I have work all week now. I actually fell asleep "at work" today. AKA I fell asleep on my couch and slept most of the afternoon. I really need to get my shit together for the rest of the week. It's hard to get motivated right now. I need to get out of the house or exercise or something. I haven't really been going outside because my seasonal allergies and allergic asthma have been terrible. I can't really breathe properly and that's even worse if I try to go for a walk or something. Just keep telling myself I'm doing the best I can even though I could probably do better. But anyway, about shit in my house... I’m very deliberate in what I buy for my place. We don’t have a lot of space and I have a minimalistic style. I absolutely can’t stand clutter of any sort. I go out of my way to make sure everything is the same color scheme and just clean. What I’m saying is, I’m probably the worst person for this prompt. Anything in my house is there by design and was just bought because it fit my aesthetic and what I needed. I move fairly frequently too and I get rid of anything I don’t absolutely need when moving.I guess I do have some books that I just happened upon while digging through secondhand shops while on trips. I have a really cool copy of Wuthering Heights. It’s a limited edition copy. It doesn’t sell for much, only around $80, but my brother got it for a quarter at a thrift shop so that’s pretty cool. I also stumbled upon an entire box of R.L. Stine books that I was in love with as a kid. I got the whole collection for like $7 which is a really good price because they don’t actually sell that cheap even though they’re not collectors books or anything. If I ever buy a house I’m going to have a dedicated office/library and then I’ll get a lot more physical books. For now, they’re too difficult to move so I just have a small bookshelf. The sound of loneliness makes me happier |
Artist: The Story So Far Song: Clairvoyant [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] #SaferAtHome "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What will you never take for granted again once we are no longer quarantined?That's a loaded question because my first thought probably isn't even applicable. When I read the prompt I thought: Just feeling safe/normal being around large groups of people. But then I realized that's not going to happen. I mean, if the quarantine was lifted right now, would you run to a sold out concert? I sure as fuck wouldn't. I mean, I'd love to be able to go to a busy place and have things feel normal, but when is that even going to be possible? And it's not just ourselves we have to worry about- it's everyone around us. Even if I'm okay with getting this illness, am I cool with being the one passing it around and killing people? Of course not. I don't know when the quarantine will be over, but the effects of it are likely going to be longer term. I mean, at the very least until we get a vaccine which will be a year or two or who knows how long. So really, when the quarantine does lift, I'm still not going to feel safe or normal being around large groups of people. But I do have diagnosed OCD that revolves around things like contamination. So who knows, maybe everyone else will be good to go. Here are some things I can look forward to and not take for granted once the quarantine lifts:  Seeing the people I care about. It's getting really long now that I haven't seen my friends and family. It'll still be several more weeks at least. I have a nephew that was born just the week before the shelter in place order started. I won't get to meet him for the first time until he's a couple months old at least. I'm lucky to be in lockdown with Kira because I care about her more than anyone, but it still sucks to not see my friends I was seeing every weekend before this. I won't take that for granted soon. Essential workers. I don't take these people for granted to begin with, but these medical staff, cleaning staff, grocery workers, delivery drivers, etc. are so clearly the backbone of our society. We desperately need these people and we need to treat them like we need them. Receiving healthcare. Imagine being able to use the health insurance we spend hundreds of dollars on per month. Like, I totally get it, the system is swamped. I'm not saying they should see patients for routine things during the pandemic. All I'm saying is that it will be really nice when I can call my doctor and be like, "Hey, my breathing is being shitty." And he can be like, "Oh hey, come in and let me listen to your lungs." Freedom to go places. I was thinking earlier that I need to get a new computer chair because mine's busted. But then I was like, oh right, pandemic, never mind. I dunno how many times I've done that in the past month. Once this is all over it will be really nice to be able to just say, "Oh hey, I need to run out and get this thing" without it being this huge life or death deal like do I really need to step out of the house. Do I really need to subject myself to people and them to me? Normal grocery shopping. It's just the worst right now. Lines to get into the stores, tons of stock outs, trying to stay 6 feet away from people in these tiny aisles, face masks and gloves littering the parking lots. It's like the biggest reminder right now that we're in the middle of a pandemic and every week or two when we have to go to the grocery store it's just anxiety-inducing. Then for several days after all I can think about is how I'm waiting for us to show symptoms because we surely picked the virus up or the whole apartment is contaminated now because the packages were brought inside. I can't wait to just go to the grocery store at night like I normally do and have it be empty and fully stocked. No news = Good news. Can you imagine when we look at the news and they're just talking about some basic irrelevant bullshit? Like, I know there are things happening in the world other than the virus, but that's all I've heard about for weeks. It'll be nice when we turn on the news and the top story is like, I dunno, the president wore a tan suit. Remember those days? This is your life, there's no way to run from it The doubt in your brain, or the pain in your stomach |
Artist: The Wonder Years Song: Local Man Ruins Everything [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] #SaferAtHome "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What is the most ridiculous thing about what's happening this month?I don't know if it's the most ridiculous thing, but the wildest thing to me is that people are literally waiting in lines to get into the grocery store... in April. It's something I couldn't even fathom a month ago. Lines wrapped around the building for, like, eggs. That's just something you never expect to see. So that's my short answer to the prompt. But there are other ridiculous things about this month, don't worry... Election who? I know I've been avoiding the news, but am I the only one who hasn't heard a single word about the presidential election in weeks? Aren't we supposed to have our 2020 Dem candidate announced in June? I know there's a pandemic and all, but how convenient for Trump that no one is even mentioning that he could be gone at this time next year. Who's essential? Anyone else notice that a metric fuckton of people are now "essential" employees? I saw the Baskin Robbins mascot that stands on the corner with a sign and waves people to the drive-thru is an essential employee. They really gave employers a lot of leverage there. GameStop tried to say they're an essential employer. You can't trust companies to do the right thing. That's one of the only guarantees in life. But I'm bored.I totally feel for everyone stuck at home for weeks on end. I'm not personally bored, but I'm still working from home all day throughout the week. It's shitty, lonely, and makes you anxious af. And with that being said, it's not an excuse to refuse to stay at home if you're not an "essential" employee. We're all in the same boat here. It's super ridiculous to see people refusing to social distance because it's too boring. And it's a slap in the face to those who aren't able to stay at home right now. Out of Stock! The last ridiculous thing about April that I'll talk about is how ill-equipped the US is to manufacture goods. You would think that the "greatest" country ever would manage to produce or acquire PPE within a month, but nope. And that's not to mention all the things that our supermarket supply chains can't manage. Every store in the city that I've been to has been out of cleaning wipes, bleach, vinegar, baking soda, rubbing alcohol, etc. for like a month now. It's annoying that they're like, "Hey, disinfect your groceries when you get home." And we're like, "Hey, with what?" Now they're telling us to wear masks after swearing up and down for months that the general population shouldn't be wearing them unless they're sick. And again, what masks? They want us to make our own using materials we have at home. Interesting. We went from, "An N95 mask won't do anything protect citizens" to "Hey, ya'll got like an old sock to shove in your mouth?"  Expect me standing tall, back against the wall |
Artist: XTC Song: Dear God [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] "JAFBG" Prompt: What well-meaning platitudes are riling you up?Strap in, buds. There's a laundry list of things that suck about a pandemic. Can we address the fucking pointless platitudes? Here's a list of things I've heard in the past 3 weeks: "Don't be upset that your college commencement is cancelled. You should just feel lucky you're not sick." "Everything is in God's hands, just give yourself over to Him and you'll find peace." "Everything could be a lot worse, why are kids upset about their prom being cancelled?" "Everyone is going through something right now. We can't focus on ourselves." "Of course people can't get care for chronic conditions right now- there's a fucking pandemic!" "Who cares if they have to spend their birthday alone? It comes around every year."Just shut the fuck up, man. You're not helping anyone. People are allowed to be upset. Telling them that they shouldn't feel upset is fucking bullshit. Seniors in high school are allowed to be upset that they're not going to get a prom or graduation. People in my graduating class who worked their dicks off for years are allowed to be upset that they're not going to get a college commencement or graduation celebration. People who have to be alone on their birthday or can't celebrate their loved ones' birthdays are allowed to be upset. People with chronic health conditions are allowed to be stressed out/concerned that they can't get proper treatment for their existing conditions. And for the love of all that is holy, stop with the fucking religious platitudes. Unless you know that the person you're talking to is just as religious (and of the same religion as you), you're not fucking helping. You're making it worse. "God will take care of you!" I don't fucking believe in god. There are millions of us who don't believe in this bullshit. You telling me that your god is taking care of everything is the equivalent of me telling you that my cat is going to take care of everything. Except, you know, my cat actually exists.  It's way too much. Hundreds of thousands of people are going to die from this. How dare people walk around like, "It's God's will for you and the people you love to die right now.  " Just stop. Do you want me and a bunch of other people walking around telling you to pray to Hygieia, the greek goddess of health, so that the pandemic will stop? Would that be enjoyable for you? Would that make you feel better about everything? No, it wouldn't. Because it fucking means nothing to you. Hey, religious people, did you know that you can communicate with others without bringing religion up incessantly? You can actually have conversations where you don't invoke the word of your god. It's possible. You can be religious/spiritual without pushing it onto other people by spinning every fucking conversation to revolve around your faith. You should try it occasionally. Above all, everyone needs to just let people be upset. Let people be worried, concerned, agitated, frustrated, scared, anxious, disappointed, etc... It actually isn't your job to swoop in with pointless platitudes to tell them that what they're feeling is wrong. If you're upset because you're not being productive, that's okay. If you're upset because you can't visit the people you love, that's okay. If you're upset because you're out of a job or in financial distress, that's okay. If you're upset because you're missing out on seminal life events, that's okay. If you're upset because you don't want to be alone on your birthday, that's okay. If you're upset because you're worried about your pre-existing health conditions, that's okay. If you're upset because you had a good gym routine before this, that's okay. If you're upset because you have an "essential" job, that's okay. If you're upset because you can't get the things you need from the store, that's okay. If you're upset because you're lonely or getting cabin fever, that's okay. If you're upset because you want everything to go back to normal, that's okay.  If you're upset because there's a fucking pandemic, THAT'S OKAY.  Don't let anyone tell you that you're being selfish, narcissistic, or otherwise a dick for being upset about your own shit. Don't let anyone tell you that you need to hand over what little control you have left to their religious figurehead because it would make them feel better if you did. Don't let anyone tell you that things could be worse so your feelings are inappropriate. Your feelings are completely fucking valid. If you want to inflate a few balloons, make an instant cake, and throw yourself a fucking quarantine pity party - fucking go for it! You deserve the freedom to express that you're having a bad fucking day without being shrugged off with platitudes or turned on to any fucking religion. It's completely normal and rational. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost Is just somebody's unholy hoax And if you're up there you'll perceive That my heart's here upon my sleeve If there's one thing I don't believe in It's you Dear God |
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: Easy / Lucky / Free [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** #SaferAtHome "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: You get to pick three people- living or dead- to be quarantined with. But...in order to pass time, you have to play Monopoly. Who wins? Who cheats? Who cries? Who flips the table, sending pieces flying everywhere? You choose the players and how they see the game through its finish.I'm already quarantined with two people and I dunno if we'd make it out of a game of Monopoly right now. I mean, the plus side is that we might actually have time to finish a game of Monopoly, but it's just not worth it.I've been essentially quarantined (minus going to the grocery store twice) for over 3 weeks now. Here's what I know for certain... You DON'T want to be quarantined with people you don't know. I can pick any three people, but how do I know that Charles Bukowski doesn't have a bunch of annoying fucking habits that are going to drive me nuts within 2 hours? It's Bukowski, so that's almost a given. Bad choice. What I'm getting at though is that it would suck to meet someone for the first time in quarantine... and then be stuck with them for the rest of who knows how long. If I had to pick though, I'd pick a writer, a musician, and a painter.I could be writing buds with the writer, listen to the musician play, and learn a thing or two from the painter. I think I'd go with Franz Kafka for the writer because I can't even imagine what he could whip up about our current nightmare. Reality is already Kafkaesque so it's not even really a stretch. For the musician I'd go for Conor Oberst because I think he's ridiculously talented and I also feel like we'd get along okay-ish for some reason. Either that or the combined moodiness would cause the other two to toss us off the balcony. And then the artist... Dalí? Surrealist af. Everything is surreal already, so again, it just feels appropriate. This would be such a fucked up mix. I kind of love it.  Now, who would win at Monopoly... That's a good question. Monopoly came out after Kafka died so, I mean, he could probably pick it up pretty easily but I feel like I've already got a leg up on him. I have a feeling that Salvador Dalí could play some mad Monopoly. I have no idea why, but he might just do something confusing to outwit the rest of us. So I'd have to crown Dalí the reigning champion of Quarantine Monopoly.  As for who throws a tantrum, cheats, cries, flips the table... Obviously - that would be me. (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ I've got some friends I barely see But we're all planning to meet We'll lay in bags as dead as leaves All together for eternity |
Artist: Counting Crows Song: Colorblind [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** #SaferAtHome "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: April 1 is supposed to be April Fool's Day. Since we're all #SaferAtHome, it's a bit harder to prank people. What are some things you can do remotely to somebody for a good laugh?Hopefully someone can come up with something funny today. I just, yeah... no words. My mental health isn't holding up well. I've had a series of what I'd call mini episodes in the past week, which probably explains why my mental health group here is now closed. I've been trying super hard to stay positive, despite everything that's going on. As soon as I recognized that I was having issues I tried to contact my doctor's office, but they're pretty much closed at this point and haven't actually gotten back in touch with me.There's a lot going on. I know general care like that isn't a priority right now. What I'm experiencing isn't unique in any way. Everyone is going through a lot right now... a lot of anxiety and stress. I haven't been able to get any work done the past couple days because my OCD has been so bad. I go in and out of nightmares all night. If I'm not fighting intrusive thoughts, I'm doing compulsions to ease them. It's time-consuming and relentlessly exhausting. I don't see an end in sight for this. Even after things start to go back to 'normal' they're not going to be normal. I can't imagine ever eating at a restaurant or going to a crowded place again. Those things were difficult for me before this. Now that there's a literal global pandemic... yeah, I dunno. Anyway, have I made you laugh yet? Sorry, it's hard to think of funny things. I mean, there's no shortage of memes and parody songs floating around. But I'm honestly burnt out on it. I can't even really go on the internet anymore. I haven't watched the news in days. I try not to read or see anything because I can feel my mind slipping away. I had to tell my family to stop messaging me with updates. I don't need to know the death toll every day. And, in all fairness, I never liked April Fool's Day, even pre-pandemic. I always think of it as that holiday where you can't trust what's going on.  I spent the past several years in school where we'd get repeated April Fool's Pranks about pop quizzes, huge assignments, or whatever else the professor could pull out. "Oh, you guys didn't know there was an exam today?"Even worse when you have no idea what the date is so it's totally unexpected. Thanks for the prompt though! Now I'll know to look out for this with my coworkers. If anyone says anything remotely shocking, I'll accuse them of pranking me. Speaking of, I actually thought today was Thursday somehow. My coworker said we'll spend the next two days working on something and I was like, ugh, that sucks that we have to work Saturday. He said I'm going to come out of my apartment someday like a caveman blocking the sun with my hand.But mostly I've just been distracting myself as much as humanly possible. I've never watched so many movies or played so many video games before. I have movies on all day when I'm working. Then I go straight from that to playing a video game or reading a book or watching more movies. I try not to give myself a single minute of freedom or time to think. Kira came out into the living room yesterday and she was like, "Um... are you watching a movie, listening to music, working, and playing Animal Crossing right now?" Yes, yes I am.  I know, I still haven't answered the prompt. My thoughts? It might not be the best time to trick people right now. I mean, I can't think of anything you could call and say to someone and then be like "HA, just kidding" that would be appropriate right now. That being said, if you're using Microsoft Teams right now while working remotely like a lot of us are, you can use filters and turn yourself into a potato during your April Fool's meeting. I am colorblind Coffee black and egg white Pull me out from inside |
Artist: The Germs Song: Media Blitz [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: COVID-19. It’s affecting all of us in one way or another. Never in our lifetimes have we seen something of this magnitude and severity. So today, check in with yourself and your fellow competitors - how are you? Where is your head at? What’s worrying you? Let’s gather our WDC community around us and hunker down together. Okay, let's talk about it. In terms of myself (because who is more important?  ), I'm doing what I can to protect the community. I'm not going out unless I need to. I'm not congregating in large groups and I've pretty much socially distanced myself from everyone I don't live with. I've been working from home since last week. I'm only going to the grocery store once a week, and I'm not hoarding anything, I'm just doing a normal weekly grocery shopping. I'm washing my hands frequently, which is something I always do.Mentally, I don't think the quarantine is great for me personally. But I have a responsibility to not run around living a la-di-da life while potentially directly spreading a virus that is actively killing people or putting them in the hospital. It's a small sacrifice. That being said, I'm thinking about reopening some stuff with "Invalid Item" at some point here because I'm probably not the only person struggling.Here's the thing I've realized. There are two types of people you encounter during a global pandemic and I quite frankly can't stand either one of them right now. Person 1: "Yo, it's no big deal." I don't know how many times I've heard or seen (even here on WDC) people saying things like, "This isn't a big deal. This is just a normal flu." Yo, it's like a normal seasonal flu so we don't gotta worry about it. You know, the flu kills X amount of people in a normal year but no one's talking about that! You're just wrong. I don't know any other way to put that. You need to educate yourself before you speak because speaking on an issue like this without educating yourself is dangerous. My great aunt for example told my 78 year old grandfather that there's no reason he shouldn't go to the casino where they live because this is just a standard flu and it's not a big deal at all. It is dangerous, especially to those who are elderly and have underlying conditions. He has severe heart conditions and is 78... Why in the world someone would tell him that it's not a big deal for him to go be around hundreds and hundreds of people is beyond me. In addition, a lot of younger people have told me, "Hey, it's not bad for us. The mortality rate is pretty much like 0% so I'm not gonna change my lifestyle for that." Cool, so you're going to go spread it around, kill people, and further cripple our economy? Congrats, you're a bad person. Person 2: "Life is over and we're in hell." And then there is the other side of the coin... People consuming so much coronavirus media that they’re genuinely losing their minds. My own mother is sending me like 50-75 texts a day about the virus. We never talk that much. I know someone who has like 90 rolls of toilet paper. Please tell me why you would ever need to hoard that much TP?? On the other hand, a fellow shopper started harassing my mother for buying 4 gallons of milk at the store. First of all, mind your own fucking business. Second of all, she’s also shopping for her elderly father. The absolute panic over groceries is insane and unnecessary. The media fearmongering and lack of reporting on all of the recovered and mild cases is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean that individuals should spend every day panicking to every person who will listen. There’s such a spread of misinformation with the goal of whipping people up into a frenzy. The point is, we need to take care of each other and that means we need to pay attention and take the pandemic seriously without having a total meltdown about it. Use common sense. Don’t spread misinformation. Don’t tell people to not worry about it because it’s nO BiG dEaL and also don’t act like it’s the literal end of earth. Neither are helpful for anyone. I think we all need to step back a bit. Stay informed. Do the socially responsible thing to reduce the spread. But you don’t need to consume information about it 24/7. Go read a book, write, watch a movie, learn a language, pick up a new hobby. But don’t completely ignore it because then we’re all going to end up under government-mandated lockdown for a long time and I’m gonna lose my mind. Thanks. Take an injection from the mad machine |
Artist: Rage against the Machine Song: Bullet in the Head [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Does your communication style tend to be straightforward or subtle? Are you more likely to speak your mind or beat around the bush? Have you ever gotten into trouble because of your communication style? Sup ya'll? How's your quarantine going?  I'm working from home at this point and I gotta say, it's super difficult to not go anywhere or do anything. I mean, under normal circumstances, working from home would be great because then I'd have energy to go out after work. But this whole social distancing thing is rough on me. Maybe I'm more extroverted than I thought. I’m trying to stay positive, but the cabin fever is getting to me a little bit. I know I can still go outside even though everything is closed, but my breathing/asthma hasn’t been awesome lately. Plus it’s still kinda cold. So, I guess I should answer the prompt, huh? My communication style is... it depends.I think I tend to be more straightforward than a lot of people because being subtle rarely gets you anywhere. I’m used to advocating for myself to get what I want/need, but you can’t do that without being up front about your wants and needs. People aren’t mind readers. That isn’t to say that subtlety doesn’t have its place though. Some situations are delicate and you need to navigate them carefully. If you come in hot, it’s unlikely to end well. For example, if you need to kid glove a situation because that’s what the other person requires at the time. With everything going on right now, I’ve had to do this some at work. When someone is stressed or anxious or scared, you can’t also be stressed, anxious, and scared. You have to provide a stable ground for the other person to latch onto. You have to find subtle, sensitive ways to say the things that need to be said. Most of the time though, I’m the first one to speak my mind because I’m often having a meltdown and that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. It’s just a word vomit of everything you need to say and then it’s like there, take that and do something with it. Being the first one to speak my mind has gotten me in trouble countless times. There’s a general scenario that has happened to me repeatedly in life. I’ll give a general overview and then a specific example. So, it generally plays out like this: Situation happens. Me: I’ve assessed above situation and I disagree with the way it’s being handled. I’d like to see a different outcome. Here is an analysis I’ve done of the situation along with potential solutions that I find agreeable. How do you feel about it? Other person: I have assessed your analysis and I find Option B of your potential solutions to be agreeable. This issue has now been resolved. Me: I accept this resolution. Thanks for playing another round of Charlie Feels Uncomfortable. Other people, immediately and simultaneously: WHAT THE FUCK. How is this fair at all???? I would also like to have Option B!?!???? And if that’s too abstract for you, here’s a relevant and timely example. I was the first person in my office to request to work from home due to the virus that’s going around. I assessed the situation, went to the powers that be, and said: “Hey, so, I have poorly managed asthma and this rapidly spreading respiratory virus would likely be exasperated by this preexisting condition. I’m already set up to work remotely using my work laptop. Is it okay with you if I do that?” The powers that be said, “That might be a bit of an overreaction, but I also see your perspective and there’s no reason you can’t get your work done from home. So.. sure, why not? Go for it.” As soon as my coworkers got wind of this, they were complaining. “Why does he get to work at home?? I want to work at home too!” I’ve gotten messages on our company messenger from people asking how “work” is going (in quotations) because they think I’m not actually working. They’re clearly pissed off that I’m working remotely. Step back and imagine that. Imagine being pissed off at a coworker with a preexisting medical condition for asking to work remotely during a global pandemic. And yes, maybe it’s a bad example because everyone who can be working remotely at this point should be... but the moral of the story still stands. You cannot sit around twiddling your thumbs until someone else takes decisive action and then be like WHAT THE FUCK LIFE IS SO UNFAIR?????? No, it’s not. I took a calculated risk. The company could have easily said, “You know what? You’re new here. You aren’t even fully trained yet. Pack your shit and go be unemployed remotely.” The fact that you wait to see it go well for someone else before you bottleneck the system demanding the same thing is just not a good look. It’s weak. This exact communication style situation has gotten me in trouble so much. One of my coworkers said to me, “What the hell?? You got a whiteboard for your office? I’ve been here 3 years and I don’t have one. You’ve been here 3 weeks and you do? How does that work?” Here’s how it works. I woke up in my big boy bed, ate my big boy breakfast, put on my big boy clothes, drove my big boy car to work. And then I used my big boy voice to say, “Oh sweet, a whiteboard! Where can I get one of these bad boys?” And the person I was talking to said, “Oh you like that? I can hook you up with one for your office.” Then I said thanks. That’s the entire story of how I got a whiteboard for my office after a couple weeks on the job. My coworker has legit been sitting there for 3 years thinking someone is gonna pass his office and go, Damn, that dude’s looking lonely as fuck without a whiteboard... I should hook him up. It’s just absurd. This shit isn’t rocket science. This situation will never NOT remind me of my brothers growing up (and even now). They’d say shit like, “It’s so unfair that Charlie doesn’t have a curfew. I had to be home by 10 at his age but he’s coming in at 1 or 2 in the morning.” Just completely skipping over the part where I was getting punished for doing exactly that. I still remember this ridiculous moment where my oldest brother was in the kitchen having a meltdown before breakfast saying that I have always gotten preferential treatment and it’s not FAIR that he had to miss out on hanging out with his friends because he had a curfew at my age and I don’t. Like ‘you ruined my childhood by imposing a curfew’ level breakdown. My dad and I looked at each other and he was like, “Did I not just beat your ass for missing your curfew last night?” And I was like, “Yup...” Ah, father-son bonding time.  Point being— you have to do what feels right for you. Sometimes it’s going to end poorly for you, sometimes it won’t. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t victimize yourself by waiting until someone does what you have been wanting to do all along and then say life isn’t fair. Just victims of the in-house drive-by They say jump, you say how high |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: How many languages do you speak? If you could instantly learn any language and be able to speak it fluently, what language would you pick? How would you use it and where would you go? Aw, I had to answer this one because I just love linguistics. I love etymology and pretty much everything about words. Maybe that’s why I like writing?  The only language other than English that I have any fluency in is Spanish. I took a couple years of Spanish as my foreign language when I was a kid, and then I took a year of university-level Spanish and got up to the intermediate level. My two best friends from university, and the only ones I’ve kept in touch with since graduation, are from Honduras and Colombia. Their first language is Spanish, of course. Our group text consists almost entirely of Spanglish. 50/50 between English and Spanish. And I don’t mean an English sentence and then a Spanish sentence but rather both in one sentence. I write in Spanish and use the English word when I can’t think of the Spanish word. I’m pretty sure they’re doing the exact opposite- writing in English but using the Spanish word when it comes to mind easier. We get into funny situations all the time when they can’t think of the English word for something or I can’t think of the Spanish word. Most recently, we were hanging out at one of their houses and they were trying to tell me something that happened. They kept saying el parabrisas. “¿Cómo se dice el parabrisas en inglés?” And I’m like I have no idea how to say that word in English, what is it?? So then they start describing it to me. On your car. The rims? No, in the front! The hood? No, right in front of you! Ohh, the steering wheel? Omg no, the thing you look from right in front of you!! Ooooh, I know, the rearview. Jesus christ, no, the thing that’s right in front of you when you’re driving. Ummm, the dashboard, the console..? The thing you look at with your eyes, right in front of you, omg what is the word?!?! Windshield. The fucking windshield. It’s infrequent words that will endlessly throw you off. Right now though, my reading comprehension is most fluent. I can read an article in Spanish and know what happened. I can read a Spanish novel as long as I have a translator available for the infrequent words. My Spanish writing is second most advanced followed by listening and speaking in very last place. I can watch a Spanish movie without subtitles and get the gist of it, but I’ll miss some things. If I could be instantaneously fluent in any language I’d pick Spanish first because it is such a widely used language, but there are many languages I’d like to learn. I like French and Italian a lot. I’ve heard it’s easier to learn your third language than it is to learn your second. If I ever fully conquer Spanish then I’ll start picking up one of the other two. As far as how I’d use Spanish, I would use it in daily life with the Spanish speakers I know. I’d also try to use it for career advancement because a lot of international companies want bilingual employees. I’d love to travel to Spain too. I know someone from there and he has sent a lot of beautiful pictures. But there is beauty everywhere. My friend has shown me really nice photos of Colombia too. For now though, you can catch me speaking Spanglish. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What does wisdom mean to you? Give an example.For an easy formula, I think: wisdom = knowledge + experience + ability to apply said knowledge & experience People get the knowledge and experience part, but the most important part is being able to see a new situation and apply what you know from all of your previous experiences. It's the difference between being able to update someone else's spreadsheet and being able to build your own spreadsheet from scratch. Application is the most important part. You can know and experience a lot of things, but if you fail to apply those things then you're lacking wisdom. I don't see myself as being too wise, for example, because I frequently make the same mistakes despite better judgment given the things I know and the things I've experienced. I always hold on to the hope that a situation will turn out differently than last time, even though I should really know the result and be able to apply that. For example, I have the bad habit of perpetually holding out hope that someone is going to change, even when they've given me repeated evidence that they have no intentions to do anything different. Whether it's low emotional intelligence or something else, it definitely results in me lacking wisdom. On the other hand, I think my old professor was pretty wise. She was very consistent in her application of, "We tried that before, it didn't work, let's try something new." It's difficult for me to do because I get lost in being analytical, especially when something should work given how it looks on paper. I get caught up in looking at things too mathematically ("This relationship/situation should work because you want X and I want Y and those things complement each other"), when in reality things aren't linear and often don't follow patterns that make logical sense. One thing that I think helps someone get in the general ballpark of 'wise' is self-awareness though. If you can even be self-aware enough to realize that you're lacking wisdom in something, you're probably ahead of the curve. So many people repeat the same actions and are utterly confused by getting the same outcome. I'm not confused at this point. I'm just like why do I hate myself, why did I do that again? |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: What product would you stockpile if you found out it would never be sold again? (If the product you choose is perishable, imagine, for the purposes of this question, that the product would remain useable/edible forever.) Mentally feeling like dogshit at the moment. I know some weeks are better than others. This week is others. Anyway, is this a coronavirus-related question? Let me just say that having this new virus spreading around is terrible for everyone, and I highly don't recommend it for people with OCD. I'm washing and sanitizing my hands so much they're about to fall off. I do this regardless of the diseases floating around, but it has been especially bad the past couple months for me in terms of trying to keep my compulsions under control.The only thing that's kind of funny is that every place is selling out of hand sanitizer and cleaning wipes and stuff, but I have a small stockpile because I just go through so much on a regular basis. Working in an office is pretty gross because I've seen these people and their hygiene sucks. Like, putting your hands under the water for .5 seconds with no soap after using the bathroom? You're not even trying. Maybe it will make people slightly more sanitary in the long run, who knows. So, what would I stockpile? Here were my initial thoughts: Water?Nah. You can find water in a lot of different places and there are hundreds of water filtering mechanisms at this point. Not to mention tap water and a filter. And food is kinda the same. Medication?I mean, if they’re not gonna sell them anymore, I need a huge stockpile of migraine and anxiety meds. Just saying. Clothes?If they’re not gonna sell anymore ever then it would probably be a good idea to get enough to last for the rest of your life. Now that I’m thinking about it, a lot of the stuff you could make yourself if you had to. Like toothpaste, deodorant, soap, shampoo, hand sanitizer, pillows, blankets. I mean, even houses/shelter you could technically build. There are few things that you couldn’t do for yourself with unlimited resources. It would just be laborious and a pain in the dick to do. So yeah, I think I’d pick medication, final answer. Because what’s in that is usually hard to find pure and if they’re not being sold (by anyone) making your own would be pretty difficult. I’d stockpile all the medication I need + any medications I could potentially need in the future. Also, this is the United States healthcare system in action.  |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: If you could be paid for doing anything you wanted full time, what would you do? When you were a child, what did you dream of doing when you grew up? Then, take some time to research “unconventional” jobs (ie. hot air balloonist, deep sea invertebrate researcher, professional table tennis master, etc) and share one that you think you would be good at or would be fun to try. Hello, hello. Maybe I can show up every other day for an entry. I know I've said it before, but I really wish the prompts were posted at like 8pm and could be written any time after 10pm or something. So anyway... It's too soon to tell, but I think my current career is right for me. I love analyzing data and working alone. I went the entire day today only talking to one person at work. That's ideal for me. Alternatively, I would like to do database administration and there's nothing really stopping me from doing that in the future. Good pay and most people don't know much about it so you can get away with working alone, often remotely. Of course we all want to get paid to write probably. I personally don't have the motivation or the patience to make a career out of it. It's not a stable enough source of income for me and doesn't pay well enough even when it does pay. If I could get paid a lot of money to do anything, I would probably want a nice home office with plenty of windows where I could write book reviews because I probably enjoy reading more than writing overall. As a kid, I wanted to be so many things- an astronomer, a journalist, a psychologist, etc. These dream jobs were just based on little hobbies I had or things I liked at the time. Space or whatever. Here are some things I never wanted to be: a doctor, a teacher, a cop, a fireman, president, soldier, pro sports player, lawyer, pilot... I remember these all being pretty common job goals for the other kids. I never had aspirations to do anything heroic or to do anything that would draw a lot of attention to myself. I looked up some weird job and apparently there are a lot of "testers" out there. Taste testers, bed testers, app testers, video game testers, penetration testers (hot), test testers... I could totally do some of these. The worst one I found is professional cuddler. That would be so awkward to cuddle with a stranger. 100% would rather sleep with a stranger than cuddle with them. That's just too intimate for my taste. I feel like that job would be so depressing. Because, having a little bit of experience in this general area of life, I know that people would get obsessed with you and all of a sudden they think you should be hanging out with them all the time for free because you’re such good friends now! But, I mean, if it pays well, I could be swayed... |
Artist: Bob Dylan Song: Shelter from the Storm [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" Prompt: Yesterday was February 29th - Leap Day! The reason we have this monthly extension of our shortest month is to synchronise the Gregorian calendar with the solar year – without it we would lose six hours every year.  In your entry today, write about the phenomenon of leap years and any facts you want to share. Here’s mine: People born on Leap Day are called Leaplings. Do you know any Leaplings? How did you spend the bonus hours of 2020? Did you make the most of them?How convenient for the month to start on the weekend so I could blog the first day. That's what's up. Quickest form update: I've been working anywhere between 10 and 15 hours a day. Loving all the accounting & financial analysis, but I'm filled with existential panic any time I'm not working because I'm like what the fuck do I do? Like I can't even remember what I'm supposed to be doing when I'm not working. I've been told things will be slowing down at some point here, probably after April. I think I'll be able to get some more flexibility in terms of working at home more frequently after I'm fully trained. So, yeah, all good. Just insanely busy. I told myself I'd stop signing up to things on WDC because I know I don't have time to complete them, but I figure no one's gonna be devastated if when I don't finish 30DBC regardless, so, yeah. On Leap Year... I understand the concept of Leap Year, but I don't like it. The same way I don't like Daylight Savings Time, I have enough difficulty coming to terms with the concept of time. When we just change the time and say it's something else now, it makes the entire idea behind 'time' feel weird. I don't know any Leaplings necessarily, but the most recent addition to my family was supposed to be born on leap day this year. The mother went into labor a week early so that didn't happen. I used my "extra day" to do some side work and run errands. Pretty much what I do every Saturday, sadly. My only true day off from doing anything is Sunday, so I use those days to hang with Kira or visit family/friends. Work would be so much better if it was 4 days a week. I'd have a lot more time to do shit if I had Friday-Sunday off. I did see this cute Leapling post on Reddit of a 100 year old Leapling celebrating her 25th birthday. Leap Year Facts The serial killer, Richard Ramirez AKA the Night Stalker, was a Leapling. Julius Caesar created the first leap year. U.S. presidential elections almost always coincide with leap year.Try imagining a place Where it's always safe and warm "Come in," she said, "I'll give ya Shelter from the storm" |
Artist: Panic! at the Disco Song: High Hopes [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Day 2 - New to me "We.are.fucked." I'm sitting on a windowsill several stories up in the university library. From here, students scurrying between buildings below look like insects. Nate is sitting across from me, feral-eyed with an empty Red Bull crushed on the table in front of him and another in his hand. He leans back and throws his hands up repeating himself, "totally. fucked." I shake my head and tell him that we're not fucked, but this only serves to further annoy him. Between us, dust floats in the late afternoon sun rays. He starts interrogating me, like, "Dude, how are we not fucked? We have less than 7 hours. We haven't started building the report, we stocked out during the last round, and we don't have enough capacity to meet demand. Amin isn't even fucking here. How are we not fucked??" He leans forward then and runs his hands aggressively through his dark waves like he can shake the agitation out that way. I'm dwelling on things I wish I could do. Like go back in time and convince myself to do this entire thing alone before the due date. Or at least talk to our professor who has disappeared from campus just in time for last-minute questions. Or convince myself to not care in the first place and let things fall where they may. But this isn't the time to throw our hands up. So I say that. "This isn't the time to just throw our hands up, man." Nate snaps his head up and looks at me with dark, red-rimmed eyes. “Gee, ya think??? Ya think 3 weeks before we’re supposed to graduate might not be the best time to throw our hands up? Genius.” I’m physically biting my lower lip to keep my mouth closed. My part has been done for weeks and I’ve been reminding my group mates to work on their parts every other day since then. But going off about it now serves no purpose. “Alright. Let’s just break down what we need to-“ “Everything. We need to do everything,” he interrupts. “We don’t have enough time to-“ I interrupt more forcefully, “Okay. You’ve gotta chill for a minute, bro. Let me just-“ “You’ve just been sitting in the window for like 45 minutes. We’ve done fucking nothing.” He’s not wrong. And if we don’t finish this, we don’t graduate. I can’t even fathom having to come back during the spring semester to redo this class. But I can’t think about that now. I stand up. “Okay, I’m going to pull the financials and see what we can get from long-term debt and mess with the marketing to promote the products we do have capacity for. You start pulling the data from the last round into the spreadsheet.” And for once, there’s no argument. Had to have high high hopes for a living Shooting for the stars when I couldn’t make a killing Didn’t have a dime but I always had a vision Always had high high hopes |
Artist: Chris de Burgh Song: Don't Pay the Ferryman [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Day 1 - New to me I'm so happy that Soundtrackers is back!  That's what Februarys on WDC are for. I also really like the theme this month:(RE-)NEW TO YOU I want to know what songs you've either discovered or rediscovered in the past year. The songs can be new or old, as long as they're something you personally discovered (or discovered all over again after not hearing or thinking about it for ages) since the last Soundtrack of Your Life Challenge. Take us on a journey through all the music - both good and bad if you want to! - that's shaped the past 12 months of your life. A trip through the (re)new songs that shaped my senior year of college? Don't mind if I do. I have a lot of fodder for this for a couple reasons. First, I worked with my professor from April until I graduated in December and she always insisted on listening to music when we were grading papers or writing exams. Second, I started my post-grad job and the office plays music 24/7. I've learned a lot of new songs this year, not all of them songs I liked, but still new to me. That being said, all the songs I choose this months probably aren't going to be songs I love, but they're the songs that I think of when I think about the last year. I'll try to keep most of them as tolerable songs so that the giant playlist at the end isn't too annoying. Also, I'll probably go vignette-style in my usual Soundtrackers tradition. It's just boring for me to write, like, "Oh this is a song my professor listened to when we were in her kitchen..." Vignettes force me to use my words to be more creative. With that being said, Day 1... Laura is sitting cross-legged in a zip up track jacket, blonde hair blocking her face from the sunlight filtering through the breakfast nook window. "I used to run. I actually got a track scholarship," she once told me as I was slipping on my Vans in her vaulted ceiling foyer. When she sees me, her mouth goes from a tight straight line to the whisper of a smile curling up on the left side- but not quite. "How are you feeling?" she asks. I can't remember what was wrong with me the last time we spoke, so I hope she'll clarify, but she doesn't. "I feel okay." "Good! Here, let me move my stuff." She scoots around the corner of the breakfast nook bench, back to the window now and I slide my legal pad and pen across the tempered glass tabletop. Laura prefers to use paper and pen. "No laptops. Why do you have your laptop??" she asked the first day I showed up on her doorstep to go over the summer syllabus. "I got you a salad. Well, Dave got you a salad..." she admits sheepishly. "I said no food," I remind her. "You should eat more." This conversation is ironic because Laura is rail thin and eats some combination of berries and nuts for lunch every day after skipping breakfast. In the center of the table sits a round, polished sandstone Amazon Echo Dot that she speaks to regularly. The Don't pay the fairy, man song is playing again. It must be one of her favorites because I hear it at least once every time I'm over. "You know that thing's recording everything you say," I tell her. "No she's not." "Yes it is." "She only listens when you say her name." Laura demonstrates now, "Alexa, what's the temperature?" Then proudly says, "See!" when it responds. "It's listening even when you don't say its name." "Nuh uh." She tucks her hair behind her ear and furrows her eyebrows at me. "Okay, fine, it's not," I concede. Then amend, "except it is." "No it is not! Try not to be a jerk today, okay? We have a long day." "You being a jerk again, Charlie?" her husband asks from the kitchen island. "Probably," I admit. "Did you have your salad yet?" He knows the answer, clearly, because he opens the stainless steel refrigerator door and pulls out the monstrosity. He places it in front of me. Purple cabbage, weird seeds, and what looks like a giant dollop of mayonnaise on top stares back at me. Dave tosses me a wrapped plastic fork. "Go on, eat." "You guys know you're not my parents, right?" "Yep, he's in a mood today," Laura confirms to her husband. "I'm not in a mood," I object. Dave laughs and points at the salad in front of me. "Eat." He makes his way back to the living room where CNBC is discussing the Dow Jones. Laura and I sit in silence then while she hums along to the song, singing a couple words every now and then, "...trouble ahead... from beyond... don't pay the ferryman." Don't pay the ferryman, Don't even fix a price, Don't pay the ferryman, Until he gets you to the other side |
| How the fuck do people not cry at work all the time? This is a serious question. I almost cry at work at least 3 or 4 times a day. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears the entire day. I don’t know if this is a part of working 50+ hours a week, or if it’s part of having mental health issues, or if it’s just part of being an extremely emotional person. I’d like to (proudly) say that I have not actually cried at work in my one month stint; however, I’ve come very close every day. Like, giving myself a migraine from clenching my jaw so tightly to hold back the emotions kind of ‘close’. It’s not just one thing causing me issues... It’s everything. I sincerely don’t get how people do it. I’ve not seen a single person cry in my time here, but I feel like I’m forever on the cusp of having a complete public meltdown. I’m not getting proper training. Their idea of training is telling me to go to a meeting because it would be good for me to sit in on. Then I sit there for an hour and a half and have absolutely no idea what the meeting was about or what happened during it. There’s no formal training whatsoever. If I’m lucky, I can hang with my coworker like a fly on the wall observing shit that he’s doing, but it’s not enough to be able to go do the stuff myself. This week though, I’ve not even done that. My boss is never in the office and doesn’t seem to care what I’m doing at all. I think he might have forgotten that I’m even here. I went from being so busy running around in meetings and in the field one week to doing literally nothing for 50 hours the next week. This all probably sounds nice... get paid to do nothing... but it’s not. I’m getting super depressed just sitting around thinking all day. I feel the obligation to at least look busy, which results in me just reading old files on my computer or clicking through spreadsheets making sure to hit “don’t save” when I exit out. Sometimes someone will storm into my office complaining that something in the numbers doesn’t make sense. Because I’ve not been trained at all, the only thing I can do is kind of stare at them and shrug (& try not to cry) until they stomp out. And then I’m just sitting there alone again. The worst days by far are the days where everyone is busy, buzzing around me in a panic, and there’s nothing I can do to help. I start having dissociative issues on those days. It’s like I’m invisible and I just completely disconnect from myself and my surroundings. The smallest things hurt my feelings too. For example, my coworker sent me an email today asking me to make all these accounting adjustments “if I’m comfortable” doing that. I had absolutely no idea how to even navigate the accounting software to find those accounts. That’s how much information I’m lacking. It upset me because it seemed like I should be comfortable enough to do that, but also, I witnessed him do it one time over 2 weeks ago. How in the world would I remember how to do it, let alone be comfortable enough to do it by myself? It’s just not a fair shake to me..? But anyway, the point is... how the fuck do people not cry at work all the time?????? |
  Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Discuss a time in your life when someone has tried to "fix" or "solve" a problem for you - but you didn't see it as a problem in the first place.How do you generally handle unsolicited opinions/advice? Look, ma, two in a row! It took me a pretty long time to realize I had mental health and addiction issues. When this stuff initially took off, I was basically a kid/young teen and definitely had that, “oh my gaaaahd, just leave me alone” thing going on. When it came to drugs, my excuse was either: 1) I’m just having fun with my friends; this is completely normal. 2) Everything around me is shitty and I need to escape. The former was obviously denial and the latter was just a rationalization. Following this, there was a period of time where I knew I had these issues, but simply did not care, so they became a non-issue. How is a problem a problem when you’re completely apathetic to it? During this time, I was highly defensive of myself when anyone tried to help. “How are you going to judge my shitty coping mechanisms? You think you could do better under my circumstances?” (Fun fact: This was around the time I signed up for WDC! )I had much unsolicited advice throughout the years and, honestly, I could’ve done without some of it. For example, it was painful for me when people tried to turn me on to a religion I’d been abused in and very intentionally left. They didn’t know, of course, but it always felt like a slap in the face to me when someone told me to “pray it away.” And then there were the weird, unfounded bits of advice: Someone: Just go be with nature. Lay in a stream and sleep under the stars and it will completely transform your perspective. Me: What about withdrawal? Someone: When you’re one with nature, you’ll be cleansed.  Body, mind, and soul.  Me: Yeah... I think I might just go get high instead... Here’s the bottom line, plain and simple: I had to want something in my life more than I wanted to do drugs. Regardless of all the prodding, pleading, begging, praying, anger, sadness, and advice- I was never going to move a centimeter in the right direction until I saw a path for myself that I wanted more than I wanted to lay around with my best friend and do drugs. And it was hard as fuck. There is no advice you can give. Because at the end of the day, getting clean is a series of, “You wanna lay around and get high or do you wanna do this other thing?” That’s all it is. And I was terrible at it. Even after the initial kick, I still repeatedly sank back into it. I made that choice: you wanna go to school or you wanna get high? you wanna see this person who actually gives a fuck about your well-being or you wanna get high? This wasn’t a new revelation for me. It’s not like people didn’t tell me in the past to make better choices or that my actions and behaviors were my responsibility. It’s not like change happened overnight. I didn’t just snap my fingers and say, “Oh, wow, I’m done!” It was a process and it’s still a process. I just liberally took benzodiazepines every day for 5 months straight and had to kick them in December. This is something that’s always going to be an issue for me because of the pervasive combination of mental health issues and addiction issues. I replaced some old bad habits with new bad habits. I never dropped some of the bad habits at all. It’s a work-in-progress, but unsolicited advice I’ve gotten has probably had zero impact on my decisions. I had to own my behaviors and I luckily had someone around who was very patient about letting me make my mistakes before slapping my hand and setting me upright. Then letting me make my own choices and letting me backslide before slapping my hand and setting me upright again. Ad nauseum. What I needed more than advice or someone else to solve my problems was someone to hold me accountable in a loving way. “Okay, yes, you messed up. I’m not mad/disappointed. This is a part of your recovery. I still love you. The ball is in your court now. What’s your next move?” Over time, it took everyone else out of the equation. I could no longer excuse my actions with bitterness. “I might as well just do it because everyone’s already mad at me anyway!” No one was angry. No one was telling me to stop. No one was giving me any pushback. At the end of the day, it was just me sitting on a living room floor making my own shitty decisions. I needed to see that in order to change. I needed my detractors to be taken out of the equation because resistance from others had become my excuse to keep doing it. I guess I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I’m not saying you shouldn’t give advice or try to help with people like me. It’s just that at some point, you have to hand the reins over to people like me and say, “Ok, you’re steering now. Where are you going?” In terms of answering the prompt, there’s nothing people have tried to ‘fix’ me from more than my addictions. I’ve always, always appreciated anyone who has reached out to me over the years, even just to catch up or check in. I don’t taken even the most unsolicited of advice for granted because I know that 99% of the time it’s coming from a place of love and caring. I have an uphill battle and I’m always going to. I’m not fixed- never gonna be. But I’m more cognizant now of who’s in control and that’s something I gained through the realization that all of these issues may not be my fault, but they are my responsibility. |
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