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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
Artist: Silverchair Song: Straight Lines [Embed For Use By Upgraded+]   Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS"  : Think back to a moment in your life when you were faced with making a difficult choice. (Which city to move to, which college to attend, what to ask Santa for, etc) How might your life be different if you had made a different choice than the one you did? I would say the choice to go to university at all qualifies for this prompt. Me getting a degree was improbable. I left high school during sophomore year, so I didn’t even finish that. I hadn’t been to school in any capacity for around 7 years before I decided to go to college. I didn’t know the first thing about going to college because I didn’t even see my friends do it. Because I left school early, I was long gone before they graduated high school and moved on to that stage of life. I had to start from scratch figuring out how to pick a school, what degree to go for, how to get student loans, how to study for college-level courses, etc. Despite whatever has happened in between, I think going to school has been an overall good thing for my character. It has taught me to be structured and self-sufficient, even when it feels impossible. Even when I swear that I can’t look at one more spreadsheet or attend one more lecture, the money and time I have wrapped up in it pushes me forward. I started with intrinsic motivation, which is obviously better, but I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s long gone at this point. I’m crossing the finish line out of pure spite.  There have been so many times when I felt like a professor was intentionally making life difficult. So many times where I’ve carried literally the entire weight of a group project (I’ve been doing it all semester, actually). So many times where outside influences, like health issues, have made it feel impossible. It was actually at the beginning of this year, with only 2 semesters left, that my brain started going, Nope, fuck this, I’m finishing. There’s no way I’m going to allow people who have been carried through multiple classes get their degree and not me. Seriously, this group projects are W I L D. I’m in the final senior project class now. The project is worth well over ¾ of the entire class grade. I am the only person in my group who has actually put effort into the project since August. They’re going to graduate next month without actually even touching their senior project, and dammit, I’m going to graduate too. Here are all the things I’ve become as a result of school that I don’t think I’d be I’d chosen not to go:  Tenacious. University just does this to people. You’re going to have thousands of opportunities to give up. It’s the repeated refusal to give up that matters. Before university, I feel like I gave up on things a lot easier. I mean, I gave up on high school even, so I don’t have the best track record of not giving up on formal education. Competent. Even before school, I was always pretty self-aware, but school has taught me to do things competently. To actually use my brain to answer questions that matter: What is being asked of me? What tools and resources do I have to solve this problem? How best can I provide the results of my work? How can I measure whether or not I was successful?So, there you have it. Don’t say I never wrote about anything positive.  And now I’m going to ruin that… I do think, in the long-run, that choosing to go to school is the right thing. I’m getting a good degree that’s allegedly highly demanded. In theory, it should open up a lot of opportunities for me and allow me to have some level of stability and security. But in the short-term, ohhhh my god. I can’t even begin to tell you how depressed and unstable a large portion of university students are. This spring, I watched my friend sit next to me in an economics class and GOOGLE PAINLESS WAYS TO COMMIT SUICIDE. Right in the middle of a lecture. Like, that’s the level of distress being put on students who go to ‘good’ universities. The combination of exam stress, project stress, work, and piling student debt is absurd. We literally send each other college-related stress memes with no commentary and then reply with crying gifs. That’s what our communication has been reduced to. During midterms week and finals week, you can physically see the life just drained out of people. I’ve sat with friends in the library before an exam where they’re just saying, “I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t…” over and over. In the short-term, I cannot stress to you enough how much happier I was before going to college. Right now, so much is up in the air and I wonder every single day if it’s actually worth it. Am I actually going to find a job that pays enough to afford my student loan payments on top of all of my other bills? Is my mental state irrevocably damaged from the prolonged stress of university on top of pre-existing mental health conditions? Is having a Monday-Friday day job going to somehow be even worse? (If so, I will kill myself, just saying.) Am I too burnt out to even withstand starting a career and all the things that go along with it? Yeah, I’d say that’s the summary. I’m hopeful that in the long-run, I’ve made a good decision. But in the short-term, it’s put me in a potentially precarious position, which could make it a bad decision. |
Artist: Depeche Mode Song: Lie to Me [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : In what circumstances do you believe it is okay to fib or tell a white lie? This is a really good question, Em. I thought about how I might answer it while taking a shower and the best one sentence answer I could come up with is: When telling the truth is irrelevant... I'll explore it a little more and see if I change my mind by the end of the entry, but that was my shower thought on it. There are so many instances where it just doesn't matter whether you tell the truth or tell a lie. And I can't be talked to about moral obligations because my moral compass was born off-center.  I think it's okay to lie when...it's something personal. In my opinion, people have a right to privacy in most circumstances. So for example, if someone asks me why I don't take my exams in the classroom with everyone else, I think I have every right to lie rather than tell them that I have a mental illness that requires alternative accommodations. It's none of their business why I take my exams elsewhere, so I feel perfectly comfortable lying about it. the truth just doesn't matter. Example: A few years ago at school, the conservative club's posters kept getting torn down around campus. They were often pro-life posters with graphic images on them so the posters were fairly inflammatory and thus got ripped down frequently. But with free speech and all that, the staff eventually tried to intervene. One day I was in the hallway eating lunch and I saw someone come through and rip down every single one of their posters. Like, fifteen minutes later, a staff member comes running through and asks me if I saw someone taking down the conservative club posters. I didn't turn them in for multiple reasons. 1) It's reasonable to think that several people could have been ripping down the posters. It doesn't have to just be one culprit. 2) Snitches get stitches. 3) I don't think they should have pro-life posters on campus in the first place. That falls under "none of your business" in my book. 4) I had nothing to gain by going out of my way to tell the truth. it's not your truth to tell. Sometimes I know something about a friend or family member that they aren't ready to reveal yet to other people. For example, I have a couple friends who are in the closet. When they're not around, if their sexuality comes up, I try to get people to stop speculating on it, but if I'm asked directly, "Nope, he's straight as far as I know." 100% not my truth to tell. telling the truth would needlessly hurt someone's feelings. This isn't the same as when someone asks you to honestly tell them how they look in an outfit. I don't lie in that situation because I have no problem being like, "bro, those pants are wayyy too tight." But there are times where lying is just tactful. For example, your friend just got a tattoo and you think it's pretty meh, but they're clearly happy with it. It's permanent, they're happy. I see no reason to tell the truth if asked your opinion. You can basically lie by omission by trying to think of something good about it and then telling them you're happy that they're happy. "Nice line work, I'm really glad you like it." Another example is when someone gives you a gift and you're like just wtf, who would want this. There's no reason to not thank them for the gift and act like it's the coolest shit under the sun. you're protecting innocence. I've definitely been asked some things by my niece where I'm like, yup, I'm gonna lie on that one. There has been some family drama in the past that spawned prickly questions that I don't want to delve into with a child. Obviously, I sugarcoat the answers and tell her to follow up with her parents. It's the responsible thing to do. you're forced to in order to benefit yourself. Anyone who has ever been in a job interview knows this one to be necessary. You know when you're asked an oddly specific "Name a time when you..." question? I don't know a single person who isn't going to attempt to answer, even if they have to make up a scenario using one of their past roles. Not to mention embellishing on previous work responsibilities in order to appeal to the job duties of the role you're seeking. I could continue, but I won't. Life isn't black and white. There are tons of examples of times when it's not only okay to lie, but it's also the right thing to do. One of the things I've been taught in various forms of therapy (especially group therapy) is that in communication, you should always think of the following before speaking: 1. Is it true? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it kind? In group, we were told that everything you say should be at least 2 out of the 3. If it doesn't meet the 2 out of 3 threshold, then you don't say it. Full stop. |
Artist: The Smiths Song: Ask [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is one thing (sight, smell, sound, object, etc) that, when you encounter it, instantly brings you back to your childhood? As someone who lives in the past, I have tons of things that instantly bring me back to childhood or even back to specific memories. Don't worry, I won't ramble about all the things. Just a few.  Video rental stores. You know, like, Blockbuster? If I see an out-of-business video rental store or one that has clearly been transformed into a coffee shop or whatever, I instantly think about being a kid and renting movies for the weekend. We would rent movies pretty much every week. There was something totally magical about judging a movie by its cover and having to commit to watching it without hearing any critic or viewer opinions. Now I talk myself out of watching movies because I look up the ratings and think it'll probably suck. As a kid though, I discovered so many movies just by looking at the cover, reading a brief summary, shrugging, and renting it from the movie store. You would always finish the movie too because you paid to rent it. It's not like picking something randomly off Netflix and then turning it off 20 minutes in because it's stupid. I mean, what we have now is obviously more convenient, but there's definitely something lost there.Vanilla. Smelling vanilla in any capacity reminds me of my childhood for a couple reasons. One, it reminds me of girls I hung out with wearing vanilla perfume. I actually wrote an entry about this like many, many years ago. But I get kind of homesick when I smell vanilla now because it reminds me of hanging out with my friends. I also have an extremely vivid memory of my grandmother standing in the kitchen of her house when I was a kid. She was baking something and she almost forgot the vanilla from one of the top cabinets. When she opened it up, the smell just kind of filled the kitchen. I love the smell of vanilla and the connections I have to it. Fields of any kind. If I see a photo or artwork featuring a field, I instantly think of where I grew up. If I'm traveling through a rural area and see a field, my reaction can be anything from homesickness to panic. No idea why. There were just a lot of fields where I was raised so it's an insta-transport for me. Wax candy bottles. These things  for those who don't know. They're not even good, but they remind me of being a kid. I feel like we got them for Halloween sometimes and we could never agree on whether the wax bottles were edible or not. My feeling was that the wax was disgusting, so there was no reason to eat it regardless of whether or not it was technically safe to eat. My brother's feeling was that the actual 'candy' part of the wax bottle is so minimal that the wax bottle must be intended for consumption.  Thunder. I used to be terrified of thunderstorms during childhood. I have no idea why. It's weird because I love them so much now. As a kid though, I would actually watch the weather, which is absurd for a child because the news is the most boring thing ever when you're 7 or 8 years old. But I'd watch just to see if it was going to storm so I could make sure to be anxious about it because I was that kid.  Now when I see dark skies and hear thunder rolling in the distance, it kind of makes me smile because I was so terrified of something that turned out to not be scary at all. It makes me wonder what things I'm scared of now that aren't deserving of my fear. If it's not love, Then it's the bomb, Then it's the bomb that will bring us together |
Artist: Joni Mitchell Song: A Case of You [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Today, your prompt is one word: Transformation. Cool, I respect that. I can see a few different directions this prompt could go. Transformation of seasons, transformation of caterpillars into butterflies. Of course, I'm going to make it overly personal and make everyone feel uncomfortable. I think I'm always transforming into new versions of myself. Note that I didn't say better versions of myself, just... different versions. I can't speak for any other ages, but I think your 20s are a pretty transformative time. I read shit I wrote 5 years ago and don't even remember it. It doesn't sound like me. You could probably throw some of my poems in front of me and I'd be like, "I've never seen that before in my life, officer." That's what I love about writing though. I can go back and read my poetry and I'm instantly transported to another time. I won't drown you in poetry or anything, but just for example, I remember this day so clearly because of this poem: "Invalid Entry" .It 4+ years ago, first semester of college. I had only been in classes for probably about 9 weeks total at that point. I was going to a small community college then to take basic math classes and general ed courses that I'd later use to transfer to a 4-year university. My classes let out in the late afternoon and it was a fairly nice day for March. Like 50F and sunny. The poem is basically just me talking about unwinding on my drive home from classes on that day, so it's not super important, but the day is immortalized forever for me because I wrote a poem about it. And it's important because that day was part of my transformation. I had just started university, I was trying to get used to studying and balancing it with partying, which I did all the time back then. I've transformed since then. I'm not the same person who wrote that poem in 2015. Obviously I did make the transformation from professional partier to professional student because I'm getting ready to graduate now, but it has been way, way rougher than March 2015 me could have possibly fathomed. I mean, that against 1 year later... "Invalid Entry" . My mind was clearly in a totally different place. Not that I didn't write similar stuff the year prior, but I seemed to only write stuff like that and then, now, nothing at all aside from blog entries. In fact, I'm pretty sure the only poem I wrote this year was actually for an "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt:
And we can all see how dark that one is. What I'm trying to say is that we all go through transformations in life. Back in 2014 when I joined WDC, I was probably a lot more "fun" than I am now. My mindset was more positive because I was under way less stress and my brain hadn't yet latched onto all the things it has latched onto now. As I make yet another transformation from professional student to professional financier, or wherever I land, I fully expect to because a different person. My blog entries in 2021 (assuming I'm around then) will probably look nothing like the entries from 2019. People change. Their wants and needs change. The people they hang around with changes. I can only hope that my next iteration of myself is a bit more upbeat than what I'm currently working with. I think that's one of my worst realizations... knowing that I'm stuck with myself forever. I'm never going to be someone who has less issues. I can't erase my history. I can't fix my mind. Hope is a dangerous thing, but I do hope that I can look back in a year or two or three and have a clearer perspective, at the very least. Oh, and I should try to write some poetry sometime. You are in my blood like holy wine You taste so bitter and so sweet |
Artist: Slipknot Song: Snuff [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What do you find yourself insecure about? Are you able to overcome your insecurities? If so, how? You wanna know what makes me super insecure? Therapy websites with names like Serenity Specialists, Clarity Clinic, Peaceful Prosperity… What is up with all the fucking alliteration? Not to mention the totally cringy ‘calming’ names. “Goodbye, honey. I’m headed to the Synergy Symmetry Ascendant Angels Behavioral Health and Wellness Welcome Center Retreat.” Like, dude, what??? Talk about putting lipstick on a pig. And then on top of that, they all have the same fucking website design. Like clouds on an oversaturated blue sky with the silhouette of a person triumphantly jumping for joy with their hands in the air. Seriously, if you’ve never been to these sites, go look at any of the psych office websites in your area. They’re obscene. People with mental illnesses don’t want to manically reach for the sunset while a photographer takes a wide-angle lens shot of them standing in a wheat field. They want to be like baseline normal. Like, you know, an average person who can hold a job and be generally neutral most of the time. Instead we get to sift through these shitty, overly bright websites with vaguely scientology-esque sounding names trying to find basic information like how much they’re charging, what their credentials are, what conditions they specialize in. Just the essential shit you’d need before wasting your time with making an appointment. My sense of self is super shaky. My borderline twin can back me up on that, I’m sure. @⭐Princette♥PengthuluWrites  . Borderline personality disorder notoriously makes its sufferers not really know who they are or how they feel about themselves. So my insecurities range from every single thing about myself from brains, to looks, to personality, to qualification as a human being. And on the flip side of that, I have moments where I can get overly arrogant for no discernible reason. When I’m swinging between trying to figure out if I exist at all and trying to figure out why I’m not the only person who exists, my insecurities basically turn on and off. One minute I can be really down on myself about everything. As in, can’t even think of a single positive thing to say about myself. The next minute I’m overly snarky and insensitive. Obviously, I try to keep that side of myself hidden as much as possible because no one likes someone who’s being a dick. But, just as an example of someone who has seen that side of me… what’s up, ~Minja~  ? The good thing is (I think) I usually swing out of that kind of mood rather quickly. I go back to self-loathing and then I’m usually pretty sweet because from my perspective literally everyone I interact with is above me. It would obviously be ideal to strike a balance between the two and be, I dunno, have a rational self-perspective. It’s not going to happen, but it would be ideal. As far as specific things I’m insecure about, intelligence, for sure. I get insecure at school a lot when people are talking about internships and jobs. I’m over here hanging onto my actual sanity by a frayed thread. I get insecure when people are talking about their grades, even though my grades are nearly perfect. That’s how self-involved I am. It’s not good enough for my grades to be nearly perfect, I need other people’s grades to not be on the same level as mine or I’ll get insecure about it. I get insecure dealing with other people’s moods, which is ironic all things considered. But when someone is moody and they get a little bit snappy with me, my brain is instantly like, oh look, they hate you because you’re a terrible person, obviously. Instead of just thinking that the other person could be having a bad day. I don’t really know any ways to overcome insecurity. I think maybe becoming an expert at something could help. Just having your little corner of the world where you know way more about one thing than the average person. At least then you have something you’re really good at that the average person will know nothing about. You can be knowledgable and have confidence in that area if nothing else. And if all else fails, you can try to get some tips from the Enhanced Elevation Progressive Steps Healing Betterment Network at Tranquil Seas Villa Social Wellness Center. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I only wish you weren't my friend Then I could hurt you in the end |
Artist: Korn Song: Dead Bodies Everywhere [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a stream of conscious entry starting with the words “I wish...” This prompt is just begging for a rant. I wish... I wish there was a cure for mental illness. I wish people who didn't have moderate-severe mental illnesses could experience 48 hours in the brain of someone who does. It's something entirely inexplicable. Having your life completely dictated and controlled by an unseen force that you can't escape diminishes your quality of life so much. It makes the people around you miserable. Not only does it ruin your life, but it also ruins other people's lives. You start to wonder if people would be better off without you in the long run. What do you add to anything? Finicky energy? Emotional outbursts? Nervous breakdowns? Hospital bills? Psych bills? Medication costs? Mental illness is a wrecking ball that loves nothing more than a quiet evening to utterly destroy. How long can someone live with that? How long can other people surround themselves with someone who lives with that? I wish there was someone or something that could help, but I've totally given up on that concept. No one and nothing can help someone who has a mental illness that interferes with their daily life. I've been on more medications that I can count. So many adjustment periods, so many symptoms, so much withdrawal. I have to take xanax constantly just to be calm enough to half function on a daily basis. I've seen so many psychs and therapists. Rehashed the same shit so many times in dimly lit rooms with overstuffed couches and 2-inch blinds. I've read countless self-help books, done countless workbooks. I've done cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, exposure and response prevention therapy, anger management, rehab, group therapy, inpatient therapy, partial inpatient programs, art therapy... I've tried meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, grounding techniques, yoga, exercise, dietary changes, lifestyle changes. There's nothing anyone can tell me that I've not already heard. There's nothing anyone can do that someone hasn't already tried with me. At that point, what's left? Just continue living in misery until I've successfully pushed everyone away? Confront the people from my past who I blame for a large portion of my issues? Hold people accountable who don't even care in the first place? Or sever ties completely and become that much closer to totally alone? I wish I could take the people who made me this way and force them to see what their actions have done to me Clockwork Orange style, if necessary. It's not fair that people can do whatever they want with you and then just skip off into the sunset. It's not fair that they get to go on living unscathed lives while I'm stuck in a cavernous rut for infinity. It's not fair that the people who do give a fuck about me have to witness me losing my fucking mind knowing that there isn't anything they can do ease the anguish. I wish people could see that I understand their frustration with me. I'm frustrated too. It's not like I'm having fun. It's not like I'm doing this shit intentionally because it entertains me. I don't want to ruin the evening with a meltdown because I'm bored. I wish people would stop telling me that things are going to get better. People have been telling me that since I was 11 years old. It's going to get better. It will be better after ____. You'll see how much better it will be at some unknown time in the future that never comes. I wish I knew what they could say or do that would be better. I know they want to help, but there's just nothing they can do. That's the injustice of it. I wish people could see that saying "get help" is like taunting me at this point. I've gotten help. Multiple times. There is no help for people like me. You really want me to be a good son. Why'd you make me feel like no one? |
Artist: Simon & Garfunkel Song: The Sound of Silence [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Besides music, what are some of your favorite sounds? UPDATE: I made it to school today. It was terrible and I hated every second if it, but at least I went. I actually did an extra credit assignment between classes. I figured guaranteed extra points was probably better than trying to use the time to study when I can't retain anything anyway. I feel like shit and my head is pounding, but I guess it's nice to do something productive for once. Sounds I like that aren't music Rain.The best sound for sleeping. I like everything from a gentle drizzle to a torrential downpour. Thunder and lightning are welcome too.  Silence.Sometimes the best sound is no sound at all. Some people's voices. Have to clarify because obviously some people have some not-so-nice voices. Looking at you, Gilbert Gottfried. But there are some voices I could listen to for hours. Calm, soothing voices like Bob Ross are the best company sometimes. Moaning. I mean, not to be vulgar, but come on... We all know it to be true. Predictions for what other people will say I'm pretty sure there are some common 'nice' sounds, so I'm going to predict some things that other people might like. Mostly because the above is way too short of an entry for me. Nature sounds. Crickets, birds, wind, waves, rain/storms, streams, fires/burning logs, snow, waterfalls, leaves rustling together Human sounds. Laughter, hearing your baby cry for the first time, hearing a good joke, a loved one saying something nice? Miscellaneous. White noise, fans, opening a can or bottle, cats purring, pages turning/opening a book, cooking sounds? like sizzling or something Sounds no one will probably say Human sounds. Children screaming/crying/having a tantrum, loud chewing, teeth grinding, your own voice recorded anywhere Miscellaneous. Anything dragging across a chalkboard, your alarm clock, styrofoam squeaking together, utensils scraping against a plate Okay, I'll stop now. This was supposed to be HAPPY noises. |
Artist: Aesop Rock Song: Gopher Guts [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : What is your favorite color? Do you have a favorite color pairing? What’s something in your life that you picture when you think of your favorite color? Do you choose to wear clothing that is your favorite color? Has your favorite color changed over your life? I was wondering if you would say something about yesterday's entries, Emily  . I had a similar prompt for my group one time and quickly realized that people DO NOT like to talk about the generations thing. No harm no foul though. Coming up with prompts is also, like, incredibly more difficult than it looks.Anyway, the short answer to this prompt is ORANGE!  I've always liked the color. It's bright, but not blinding. It's visible on both light and dark backgrounds. It's cheerful without being like in-your-face yellow. Orange always reminds me of autumn and that was always my favorite season as a kid. I love when the leaves are orange, red, yellow, and brown. I think the combination of colors looks really cool (or should I say warm? ).As far as clothing goes though, I prefer rather bland neutral tones. I have a lot of grey, black, navy blue/green, olive green, brown etc. in my closet. I don't think I have a single orange shirt, actually. It's not a color that I want to, like, paint the front door or anything. I don't necessarily like it it on day-to-day things like walls, cars, and desks. Now that I'm thinking about it, orange might remind me of Calvin & Hobbes  too. Hobbes, of course, was a tiger so there's a lot of orange there, but the comics just seemed to have that warm color palette in general. And I loved Calvin & Hobbes as a kid.I don't think my favorite color has really changed much over time. There are other colors I really like too though, even cooler colors, like sky blue and lavender. That was a quick one, so I'm gonna mini rant here. You can stop reading if you just stopped by for the color choice. Also, you could've stopped, like, 5 sentences in if that's the case. Also, also, you could have just read the blog title. I'm stressing the fuck out at the moment. In fact, writing this entry is my coping mechanism for delaying the actual confrontation of all the things that are stressing me out. I haven't been to school for... a while. I'm over here bragging about how I'm about to be finishing school when, in reality, I haven't even been actually going. I mean, I still am set to finish in ~6 weeks, but in order to do that, I kind of need to go to school. I have exams next week and I'm wigging out because I'm trying to teach myself senior-level accounting & finance. You know, like the things I would have learned by going to class? I keep saying I'm going to go to class, but then the next class day rolls around and I can't get myself to actually make it to class. It doesn't help that I've been sick for pretty much the entirety of the semester. Not only do I mentally feel horrible (which is nothing new), but I also physical feel like a literal trash can. I don't know if it's stress-related or something else, but I've just had one thing after another come up for the past couple months. As soon as something clears up, another thing shows up to take its place. On top of that, I'm playing the waiting game with potential employers. I'm behind on my current job. I haven't clocked in for at least a couple weeks. And I haven't been able to study at all. I was going over something today, for over an hour, only to realize I had gone over the exact same thing yesterday. I was taking notes and flipped to the previous page to find essentially the exact same notes from less than 24 hours before. So, while I'm physically making studying movements, I'm clearly retaining so little that I can write the same shit two days in a row without even realizing I've done it before. It's just numbers everywhere. My head starts spinning the second I even attempt to study. I have actual vertigo from trying to read and understand the spreadsheets. I have no idea what to do. I feel totally hopeless in this moment. How do you study something you don't understand? How do you go to class when you mentally and physically feel like a hot circle of garbage? This is the first time since last fall that I've been legitimately concerned about what I'm going to do with myself. Without health insurance, another hospital stay is completely out of the question. I need to completely reset myself somehow or things are going to really bottom out quickly. I can just feel it. |
Artist: Chapterhouse Song: Mesmerise [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Generational Differences Chart What parts of the chart did you find to be accurate and which did you find issue with? Anything you related strongly to? Is a chart like this useful, or does it rely too heavily on stereotypes? I don't want to be negative, but this chart is one of the silliest things I've seen this week. Not only is it super outdated (Millennials are age 8-27?), but it's also so biased that I had to go find the origin of the chart."The West Midland Family Center (WMFC) is an organization that is empowering families to grow together in a positive and enriching environment." Bear with me because I have a migraine. I'm trying to figure out what it is they actually do. It would appear that they have a pool, so, there's that. It looks like they have a preschool as well. It seems like they have a group of volunteers who do community outreach to help families that are in crisis. They have family support programs and it seems that they offer a place for families to convene and try to work through issues. That's a good mission. I mean, I respect that. But this generation chart is just... sad. I guess we'll see how the other generations feel, but from the Millennials' perspective, a lot of it is just stereotypes that I've never actually seen in action before. "Eager to spend money" Schrodinger's Millennial somehow killing entire industries by not spending money, not buying houses, not having families... but also very eager to spend money! "Came of age in a period of economic expansion" This simply cannot be historically accurate for all Millennials. I turned 17 at the end of 2008, so I should know. "Greatly indulged by fun loving parents" "Heroism -Consider parents their heroes" LMAO. I have to show this to my friends. PS. if this were true, why would your family center have any use to the 8-27 year old Millennials?  "Coddled kids (they got a trophy for coming in 8th place)" This is something I've honestly heard about but never actually seen in action. I grew up in in a small town, but we were never given trophies for getting 8th place in anything. For example, the science fair had 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. That's it. No participation ribbon or trophy or anything like that. The only thing I've seen even possibly related to this is parents of kids throwing a fit because their kid didn't win something. The kids were too busy messing around and having fun. They don't care about a piece of plastic. I could go on all night, but this one really sums it up for me: "Communications media: Picture phones" What in the seventh circle of hell is a picture phone? It sounds like something my 90 year old great grandmother would have said. "Get off your picture phone and come give me a hug!" I am way too entertained by that. Let's see though, there has to be something here I agree with... "Influenced by 9/11 Terrorist Attacks"  I'd say this is true for a lot of Millennials because they were somewhere between 7 and early 20s when 9/11 happened."Not only balance with work and life, but balance with work, life and community involvement and self development. Flex time, job sharing, and sabbaticals will be requested more by this generation." I think this one is probably true. A lot of my friends my age are very into the concept of lifelong learning and community outreach on top of having a balanced work life.Honestly, a lot of the work ones are true. Millennials typically do expect to be paid well, have a work-life balance, receive respect regardless of their age/seniority at a company, have high expectations, etc. I think those are all pretty reasonable things. So there, I found something positive in the chart without being coddled by my parents. Shocking, I know. Now give me my trophy.  Your scarlet hour Is here even now Holding my mind With your second sign Mesmerise |
Artist: Pixies Song: Wave of Mutilation [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write your entry today inspired by one of the emotions listed on this webpage . I can honestly say I've felt every single emotion in this list. I never knew there was a name for all of them, but I should have guessed! The strongest for me are: Liberosis: The desire to care less about things. I feel like this all the time. I'm always saying things like, "I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could just relax." I see other people who seem to be totally carefree and I feel so envious.  Sometimes I'll bring up one of my wild, anxiety-riddled fears, looking for validation, and I'm met with a confused look and, "Uh, never thought about that..."And I'm just sitting thinking about the fact that it's the ONLY thing I've thought about for 2 weeks. All the little unnecessary worries and fears that consume the mind and time of an anxious person just feels awful. Knowing all of the things I've worried about that never actually came to fruition or wasn't nearly as bad as I'd anticipated just makes me think of all the time I've wasted. Anemoia: nostalgia for a time you’ve never known I get this one so intensely. Sometimes I'll see a painting or watch a movie or read a book and I just feel this intense nostalgia even though I never experienced what I'm seeing/reading before. My brain is like, Ugh, yeah, I really miss Italy. And then I remember that I've never been there in my entire life and haven't even been anywhere remotely similar. I get so sad, like, oh that time is in the past now. You know, that time that never existed. Sonder: the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own Honestly, this one is just evident in the way that people act in society. It's very clear to me that everyone is wrapped up in their own lives and the experiences they're having. There's nothing wrong with that at all. Everyone is going through personal issues so I can't possibly expect them to really focus on others, but I also really can't ignore the fact that everyone I meet is fighting their own battle. And I don't think we should ignore that. I think we should acknowledge it in our daily interactions. Keta: an image that inexplicably leaps back into your mind from the distant past Last one for tonight as I'm not feeling super well, but this one... This is the mother of all the terms on the list. I get this on a daily basis and never knew there was a word for it or other people who experienced it too. For example, I close my eyes and see a very specific clip of a long ago memory. Just a flash of an image and I feel transported back to that moment. I thought at one point that this might be related to an attention deficit disorder, but seeing it hear makes me think others might have it frequently too. Sometimes I feel a bit panicked when I get a flashbang image from the past that pops into my head. I'm just like why? Why now? Why here? Cease to resist, giving my goodbye Drive my car into the ocean You think I'm dead, but I sail away On a wave of mutilation |
Artist: Hole Song: Doll Parts [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Would you rather be surprised or surprise someone else? Write about it! Fucking hell. I'm utterly wiped today. I don't understand Daylight Savings Time at all. When we fall back, I don't feel like I got an extra hour of sleep. When we spring forward, I feel like missing one hour throws off my entire week. And I KNOW I got the extra hour last night because I took allll the pills and passed out earlier than I normally do. I slept like 9 hours straight. Anyway, this prompt is an easy one for me because I loathe surprises. I loathe good surprises. I loathe bad surprises. Hell, I don't even really like unpredictable people. My anxiety people will back me up. Surprises suck. If it's a super great, thoughtful surprise that took a lot of effort and coordinating, I'm gonna start crying and get embarrassed. If it's a bad surprise, well, bad surprises are just always shit. Don't worry, I have examples. Good (?) surprise At one of my retail jobs long ago, I was getting ready to move out of state so I put in my two weeks notice. It was a menial, standard retail job so I expected nothing when leaving. I worked out my two weeks with little attention to the fact that I was quitting. On my last day, I walk into the break room to clock in and the whole break room is decorated. Balloons, pyramid of cupcakes, bowls of trail mix, bags of chips, a big card signed by all my coworkers, etc. Yes, it was the only goodbye party I've ever received when leaving a job. My direct supervisor, who was in her late 60s at the time, had arranged it. Totally unexpected as I was like 19, this was a minimum wage job, and I'd been working there less than a year. As soon as I saw the stuff, I wanted to just back out of the room. I immediately got that feeling in my throat like I was about to cry, but I held it back long enough for people to explain that my supervisor had set up all this stuff, gotten people to pitch in for gift cards for me and had people bring in food. I looked at the card that was signed by all my coworkers and thanked them and all that. So, after hanging out in the back for a minute, I walked out to our department (which was the music department), where she was working. As soon as she sees me, she pulls out a gift box and says, "I'm really going to miss you." I open the gift box and it’s a cowrie shell bracelet. The town I was leaving was near the beach. She says, “I thought you’d like to have a piece of us with you when you go.” This was at a time where I hadn’t seen my own parents or grandparents in a couple years. I was completely lacking parental support of any kind. Something about the moment made me go completely numb. We worked our final shift together. She made me promise to be careful, promise to call her. She cried a little bit, we hugged, and then we went our separate ways. The next morning I moved a 12-hour car drive away. I wore the bracelet all the time though, and over the next couple months, I had repeated episodes where I would glance at the bracelet and feel this incredible well of sadness. I couldn’t figure out why. I knew it wasn’t because I missed the town I had left. I didn’t think it was because I missed my old boss because, while we’d talked together many times, we weren’t really all that close. But every time I noticed the bracelet on my wrist, I would just feel so empty. And then I realized why. I started feeling guilty. If I was doing something ‘bad’ and saw the bracelet, I would think, God, she would be so disappointed in you. I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like a fraud because I’d never actually showed her who I really was. I’d always kept the conversation shallow and lied as needed to hide where I came from, what I’d done in my life, and pretty much everything that made me who I was. I’d done so because she was such a wholesome and kind person, I didn’t want to bring anything up that would make me look cynical or jaded in any way. On one particularly difficult summer evening, months after I’d moved, I was sitting on the street curb just mentally tearing myself apart about something unrelated. During this moment of inner turmoil, the bracelet caught my eye. The sadness and the guilt overwhelmed me in the moment. I hadn’t even called her since I’d moved to let her know I was okay. I’d realized that her perception of me was someone who didn’t really exist. I was a fraud. So I tore the bracelet from my wrist and the cowrie shells clattered across the street. And that’s the story of how a very thoughtful, kind surprise went awry for me. I would much rather be on the giving end than the receiving end, although I try to be careful about who I surprise. If there’s any doubt at all as to how it will be received, I just don’t do it. I find an alternative way to convey my message without throwing the other person for a loop. |
Artist: Pinegrove Song: New Friends [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about a time when you waited a long time for something. Did you end up getting what you wanted? Was it worth it? I'm feeling really out of it and blah tonight. Lucky break on a short post for anyone reading? I waited a long time to further my education. I left school sophomore year of high school so I was turning 16 then, and I didn't go back to school until I was 23. I know some people wait longer than that, but I feel like that 7-year gap was a significant amount of time for me. When I did go back to school, I hadn't taken a lot of the math classes and stuff in high school that were necessary for university (especially with a math-related major). I spent a semester just doing very basic pre-university level math classes to get myself caught up. I had to learn how to study for the first time because I was so out of the concept of school by the time I was 12 or 13 that I never actually learned to properly sit down and study. I still don't think I have the best study techniques even after 4 years of university. I don't even know what I want out of university. I guess the main thing is just... stability? Some kind of security with a degree that will be in demand usually. It seemed like the only way to gain some kind of control over my life. Now that I'm graduating, fuck, next month... I'm terrified. I'm so scared that I'm not going to be able to maintain a full-time job that requires me in the office every single day. I'm scared that I've gone into debt for something that I'm not even going to be able to do. I'm scared that I'm not smart enough, that I'm never going to be smart enough, in this field to actually be successful. I have so much self-doubt. So many fears. This is supposed to be a happy time. But all I feel is this horrible nervous energy all the time. I feel sick every day. And of course that feeds into my fears of not being able to maintain a daily job. "There's no way I could go to a job for 8 hours feeling this sick..." When someone talks to me about graduating, I just want to cry. Not because I'm going to miss university (definitely not that), but because I've worked so hard for this and built up the moment so much, anxiety is just eating away at me now that it's this close. So, I don't know yet if it will be worth it. I keep trying to remind myself of the reasons I went to school in the first place. I wanted stability, security, benefits... Just normal things, like, calmness. I don't know. I feel the exact opposite of calm. I feel like I might have made a mistake. Maybe this wasn't for me. But, on the other hand, I had literally no skills or prospects before this. I was always either working in sales or retail, which are fine, but aren't as stable and definitely don't fit my personality. But then again, does anything actually fit my personality? I don't even know if this is normal. All of my friends who have graduated or are graduating haven't seemed to have this struggle at all. They're just super excited to be done studying for exams and to move on with the next phase. Even my school friends who confide in me about various personal issues seem to be transitioning just fine. I'm struggling, of course, because that's what I do. I hope it's worth it in the end. I keep going over it over and over My steps iterate my shame How come every outcome's such a comedown? |
Artist: Red Hot Chili Peppers Song: Soul to Squeeze [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about jouska.From Psychology Today, jouska is defined as “a hypothetical conversation that you play out over and over in your head. For example, replaying an argument in your head where you say all the right things and “win” the argument, or practicing asking your boss for a raise and playing out his or her responses and your comebacks.” I wish I could properly answer this prompt, but I quite honestly get into so many actual confrontations that having jouskas with myself doesn't even come into play. I mean, I probably should have hypothetical arguments in my head because I fucking suck at them once I open my mouth, but who has time for hypothetical when you've got the real thing? I'm really flustered right now because I've had a very confrontational day so this might be rant-y. So, I really only have 2 modes of argument and which one I use depends entirely upon whether or not I actually care about the person I'm arguing with. If I do, I get overly emotional almost instantly. Like, I get kind of stone-y. Super cold and quiet at first. Then I become instantly enraged because I rarely 'start' arguments. I hate confrontation so I will just continuously let things slide. But other people aren't like that, and I fully respect someone approaching me directly when they have an issue. However... I cannot emotionally take it when I care about the person. I don't know what it is about it that makes me panic, but I just do. I do the brick wall thing, get enraged, and then start crying. I don't care if I'm not supposed to cry all the time. Still gonna do it anyway. The worst part of it is that I want people to be able to talk to me. If I do something that upsets someone I care about, they need to be able to talk to me about that without me being like, OMG  It's super frustrating for them and for me. It's even worse when I know they're right. I can't help but get angry because my brain is like, "Well, I think I've done pretty well given the fact that X, Y, Z." But that's not really relevant, is it? If someone has an issue with you, they need space to air that out to you whether you've been through a lot, are going through a lot, overcame a lot, do pretty well considering, etc... If my 3-step program to arguments is 1) turn into a brick wall, 2) become enraged, 3) start crying... then my 2nd method of arguing is to just do Step 1. This is extremely easy to do when you don't care about the other person or what they have to say. There's nothing more simple than just completely checking out of the conversation. It's not even about pretending you don't care, because you're not pretending. If I don't have an emotional relationship to someone or the topic we're arguing about, it simply never progresses to Step 2 of becoming enraged. It's just like... oh, you're upset? That's cool. I'm an actual brick wall for the duration of this conversation because there's nothing you can say that will affect me. It sounds bad, but it actually doesn't work terribly for professional relationships. You're supposed to be 'professional' anyway, and what could be more professional than being cold af? In business, anyway. I don't know about other fields. But business pretty much expects you to be carved out of stone. The conversations in general are slightly clinical and cold. Showing emotion would be inappropriate anyway. When it comes to jouska, my version of that probably comes about more in relation to actual conversations that are going to happen. For example, I got into an argument earlier. I knew the other person was right even as we were arguing, but I couldn't swallow my pride and need to defend myself to just say, "You're right." Since I started writing this entry, I calmed down some and thought about the best way to apologize and how that conversation might go. And then I actually took a break from writing to go do exactly that. Exactly as practiced in my jouska, "I'm sorry I got so worked up earlier. I understand where you're coming from, and I know that you're right. I got upset because I felt like you were disregarding the circumstances of my situation, but I want you to feel comfortable talking to me without having to worry about how I'm going to react." Nice and simple. I know jouskas are "hypothetical" and "played out over and over in your head," but if you knew how many times I've had to practice and then deliver similar apologies, you'd see that it really does count.  You're so polite indeed Well I got everything I need Oh make my days a breeze And take away my self destruction |
Artist: Halsey Song: Haunting [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : If you celebrate Halloween in your part of the world, what are your family’s traditions? What were the popular Halloween costumes in your childhood? Which candy was the most coveted? *cracks knuckles* Let's see... I haven't written a blog entry (or anything else) since mid-September. Don't know if I even remember how to do this. I guess an update is a good start? I'm graduating university in 7 weeks so I'm flailing through my final semester with the worst case of senioritis fathomable. I'm also working, applying for jobs, doing interviews, etc. It's hard to split my mind between still studying for exams and moving on to start my career. My brain doesn't want to comprehend both at the same time. Maybe I'm just bad at transitions. Anyway, I don't know how much I'll actually be able to write this month, especially with midterms coming up, but I'm happy to be back among my blogging buddies after a bit of a hiatus. So, I love Halloween.  Family Traditions I love autumn in general. Or I did as a kid anyway. October was always my favorite month. Less so now that I'm older and get seasonal migraines and allergies and stuff like that. I think my family had the pretty average US traditions. My ma loved decorating for every season so there'd be a seasonal tablecloth, Halloween decorations, candles, etc. around the house for fall. We would carve pumpkins and go trick-or-treating. There would be a Halloween bowl of candy on the kitchen counter for pretty much all of October and November. Once my brothers got older (and they're quite a bit older than me so that happened quickly), we obviously stopped a lot of the family traditions minus the decorations.Halloween Costumes I'm pretty sure the costumes that were most popular when I was a kid are the same ones that were most popular when my parents were kids and now with the current generation of kids. There are just a lot of timeless Halloween costumes: - Witches, ghosts, and vampires - Animals (cats, dogs, bunnies, etc.) - Princesses, Disney characters, fairies, mermaids - Monsters, devils, skeletons, ninjas - Clowns, killers, movie/game characters - Superheroes, pirates, cowboys - Professions (doctors, nurses, cops, firefighters) I specifically remember Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostface from the Scream movies, and Barney being pretty popular. Coveted Candy Anything that was full-size rather than miniature was automatic king. I don't remember specific candy that was coveted as much as I remember ones that were nearly universally hated. My brothers and I would trade candy at the end of the night and I'd trade handfuls of shit I didn't like in exchange for one thing I did like. I know Skittles, Starburst, Nerds, M&Ms, Snickers, Reese's were all pretty good. But then there were Almond Joys, Whoppers, Good & Plenty, licorice, those little Bit o' Honey things...  Grossest things ever. I'd rather starve.Luckily, I liked some of the most hated candies like Smarties, Tootsie Rolls, candy corn, and Necco wafers. In case anyone didn't go trick-or-treating or do tradesies with siblings, this shit was serious currency. The exchange rate was not equal. No purchasing power parity here. The exchange rate between Good & Plenty and Snickers wasn't even close. Like, if someone would let you unload Good & Plenty on them in exchange for a Snickers, the exchange rate was like 6 Good & Plenty + 2 licorice + 1 Almond Joy for 1 Snickers. But because I liked some of the least liked candy, I'd end up with a whole ton of Smarties, Tootsie Rolls (especially the flavored ones), and Necco wafers. Because I'd be like, well, if you want my Starburst, you have to give me ALL of your 'shitty' candy that I like. Maybe I was always destined for finance. However, we can ALLLLL agree that the absolute fucking worst 'candy' ever is an apple, popcorn, homemade snacks, or a toothbrush. Like, come on now. I'd get so irritated when someone dropped a brownie in a Ziploc bag into my pillowcase. My mother is going to sift through my candy when I dump it out and start screaming at me not to touch the brownie as though it's a pipe bomb or something. I don't know anyone whose parents allowed them to eat homemade baked goods. Anything that was NOT manufactured wrapped candy was immediately taken out of our stash and thrown directly in the trash.What now? So, for the past 3 years I've managed to have classes during the evening on Halloween. It's the absolute worst having to sit in a lecture at 8 o'clock at night on Halloween. So I usually just end up going to class, coming home and watching a couple horror movies, and then falling asleep because my brain is fried. And then if there are any Halloween parties over the weekend, I might swing by and hang out for a little bit.  Because of that whole "senioritis" thing, I decided to just say fuck it and skip this year. I had other things to tend to anyway.This year, Kira decided to host a little party. When I got home tonight, everyone was watching Halloween, as is tradition, and having some drinks. So I got to just hang out and drink a little bit and catch up with some of our mutual friends who I've not seen in a while. As I write this, they're watching some Halloween movie called Trick 'R Treat, which I'm totally lost on, and I'm "doing homework." Can't you tell?  I've done some things that I can't speak And I tried to wash you away, but you just won't leave |
Artist: Modest Mouse Song: The World At Large [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from Emily via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write a detailed description of how your significant other (or another loved one) has made you a better person.  Challenge from Elle - on hiatus via "JAFBG" : Flip today's 30DBC prompt and write a blog entry that is 'a detailed description of how your significant other (or another loved one) has made you a worse person.  Firstly, congratulations on getting married, Kit of House Lannister  ! I hope your wedding day is amazing and special.  I've kind of dropped out of the challenge, but Elle/Emily lured me back in with these flip-flop prompts. I'm still sick and struggling to stay afloat with school and work. It's super difficult to stay positive and motivated when you just wanna crawl into bed and sleep all the time. Enough about that though. Let's do the thingy.3 ways my SO has made me a better person Confidence.My SO has helped me grow my confidence a lot. When we met, I never stood up for myself about anything, ever. I just went with whatever was going on around me because I didn't even realize that there were options in life. I have a lot more confidence in myself and getting what I want now compared to when we met because she helped me see that what I want is just as valid as what other people want from me. I have an easier time telling people no now. I have an easier time not apologizing every time someone decides that I didn't do what was most beneficial for them. It's nice to have an outlook that leans toward making positive decisions for myself with confidence that I'm doing the right thing. Determination.Along with growing my confidence, Kira has always been supportive of what I want to do. She'll definitely tell me the downsides of a decision I'm making, but if it's what I want to do, she supports my endeavors. This has been absolutely crucial with school. I think we actually intersected in our determination level for me. In the beginning, I think she was definitely nervous that I was going to give up halfway through and go do something else. I didn't have a history of completing things, especially not difficult things. I was determined not to do that. But since the halfway point, my brain has been screaming at me that I can't do it, whereas her determination in me has grown. For the past couple years, I've definitely relied on her to be like, "Not only can you do it, but you are actively doing it." Now I'm less than 3 months from finishing so, heyyy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Stability.Because you tend to get into a routine in long-term relationships, I'm much more stable now than I've been in the past. I still have my moments, obviously, but I'm generally more level a larger percentage of the time. When you're dealing with mental or physical health issues, having some kind of stability is so important. Sometimes when I get really worked up, I just feel like I'm totally losing it. She can be like, "Hey, let's watch this movie, come here." And I'm like, are you fucking nuts? you want to do this mundane thing when I'm clearly losing my mind? But then she lures me into something distracting and I'm like, oh wow, this feels normal?? I still do my spiral thing, or whatever, but I'm less reckless and take better care of myself just because I have that stable support system to straighten me out before I get to the point where I'm going to be self-destructive usually. That's another thing too, just the stability of having someone to remind me to do basic things like eat, take my medication, etc. Some people aren't great at doing these things on their own. I'm some people. 3 ways my SO has made me a worse person Anxiety.Before, I didn't give a fuck about anything. All of a sudden I have this thing that matters to me a lot. My issues with depression and my recklessness from being borderline have improved some for sure (they wax and wane), but my anxiety has gotten, like, 7 times worse. There are just so many things I never thought to worry about before. I had so little actual responsibility and no one holding me accountable for anything. The craziest shit could happen and it would just be like, shrug. Who gives a shit? Now it's like my choices have consequences and I have to be careful to make the right ones. Then there are the things that are beyond my control that terrorize me with the potential for doom. I'm a complete puppet on anxiety's strings now. And, let me just say, not because I want to compare them, but because it's my blog and my experience... Anxiety is waaaaaaay fucking worse. Like, when I was depressed, that shit sucked. But I also didn't care, if that makes sense. I was like, yeah, everything is total shit and I don't wanna move from this spot where I've been laying on the floor for hours. But it was nothing compared to the sheer panic and neuroticism of anxiety. Like, holy fuck. Jaded.I'm the type of person who likes to see the good in people and give them second chances. Kira is most certainly not. She's quick to write someone off as an asshole and quick to assume that someone is intentionally being a dick. On top of that, she will write off ANYONE. Like her own family members even. They'll do something legitimately shitty, but I think most people try to work out? She doesn't. She's like, "k, fuck you, bye forever now." I have no idea how she does it.She's rubbed off on me a little bit, but not fully. So I'm like, man, this person's a fucking asshole... totally done with them for life. But then that Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm like JUST KIDDING, LOVE YOU! I've 100% become more jaded with Kira. Because she's heard all about my past from both me and my family members. She was the first person who was like, "Wait, no, that story is shitty, those people are assholes, and it's not okay that you went through that." Antisocial.My SO is not a people person, in case you didn't gather that on your own. We're both pretty introverted, but she's a lot more introverted than me when it comes to meeting new people or going out. But because I have a tendency to be introverted anyway, we feed into each other's introversion. It's like, we could leave the house and do something OR we could not put pants on and just lay around listening to music instead.Since I started the higher levels of my degree, I'm so busy that I don't get as much social interaction as I used to. When I do have a little bit of free time, I'm hanging with my SO and being around other people just isn't our idea of fun. Now I'm thinking about the prospect of trying to go to a physical job every day and I'm hoping I can find something remote instead. I know it probably won't help with anxiety issues and stuff, but ya know, that's why this is on the negatives list. I like songs about drifters, books about the same They both seem to make me feel a little less insane |
Artist: Ugly Casanova Song: Parasites [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from Eric Wharton  via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : In 1969, Neil Armstrong first set foot on the moon. Afterward, people commonly complained, “If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they ______?” How would you finish that statement today? So, I've legit been sick for over 3 weeks now.  I went back to my doctor and he put me on antibiotics because he thinks I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. Feels so shitty because I've obviously fallen behind already on school with being sick every day for weeks. I'm hoping the antibiotics work quickly and that they're the solution (because I secretly feel like doctors just throw darts at a board). Oh, I guess that brings me to my first point."If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they _______" Diagnose medical issues with accuracy?When I was a kid, I felt like when I went to the doctor I'd get a diagnosis then go home with meds and feel better within a few days. Now when I go to a doctor, it feels like they're doing some kind of in-depth financial forecasting with intense scenario and situational analysis. I go in like, "Hey, so, here are my symptoms." And they're like, "Uhhhh... well, let's see. Hmm... It could be A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H..." Is this a fucking multiple choice test? At this point, why can't I just step into a machine for 10 seconds that spits out a diagnosis and move on with my life? I swear, it doesn't matter what the illness is, my doctors never get it right on the first try. They just toss me some pills and tell me to come back next week when I'm inevitably still sick. And then we do it again with different pills. It's not just physical health issues either, it's mental health issues too. My therapists are hangin' out on their computers typing my symptoms into google like, "Uhhh, oh it says here you might have obsessive compulsive disorder..." Bitch, I could've done that shit on my own instead of paying you $150 an hour. I feel like no one can help me as an adult. Like everything is just "hmmm, yeah, I dunno." And I don't know when or how it became like that, but it makes me anxious af like every day. So yeah, that's all I got for today. God and Satan, they gamble when you're dead Beams of light, one's sprite The other's bourbon instead |
Artist: Built to Spill Song: Car [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from Prosperous Snow celebrating  via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : It's said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Describe something that you think is beautiful or attractive that someone else might consider unattractive or ugly. This is the sweetest prompt. There are a few things I find beauty in that I'm not sure are the most classically "beautiful" things, though I'm sure I'm not alone in seeing the beauty. If life has taught me anything, it's that I'm not special and the answer to Does anyone else...? is almost unequivocally yes. Broken people. My track record speaks for itself. Not only do I attract broken people, but I'm also attracted to broken people. People often ask me things like, "How do you attract such crazy people?" Honestly, it's because I'm the same way. I try not to romanticize mental illness because I know it's dangerous/unhealthy, but I do find beauty in the whirlwind experiences that I've had with other equally toxic people. There's something about those fringe people that just gets me. People who skirt lines and that sort of thing. The only problem is that there is a thin line between broken people who have bad experiences but are still trying and those who have totally given up on everything and are harmful. Extreme mundanity. Maybe on the opposite side of the spectrum, I have such a high level of respect for extremely mundane people in mundane situations. I love people who just keep their heads down their entire life without making a scene and just take shit as it comes. I think that's why I enjoy reading the journals of completely normal people, like an 1800s Kansas housewife. There are so many things that the most ordinary people keep hidden from the world. When I read about the things people have gone through and they just continue to take care of their kids and maintain the house or whatever mundane shit... there's something so intimate about it. It might be the stoicism that attracts me. So, I basically find beauty in two opposing things - broken people who spiral endlessly and 'boring' normal people who take everything on the chin. Nothing in between, obviously. Abandoned places. Broken people, broken things. I'm in love with abandoned buildings, ghost towns, etc. In fact, I look at pictures of abandoned places all the time. Maybe it's the writer in me? There's so much unspoken history. It's interesting and beautiful.I know I'm not the only one who thinks abandoned things are beautiful because Cinn is probably even more into the concept than I am. I wanna see it When you find out what comets, stars, and moons are all about |
Artist: Sufjan Stevens Song: Mystery of Love [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from Charlie ~  via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : List some of your favorite books/movies and explain why you like them. After posting your entry, go comment on other bloggers' entries with suggestions based on their favorites. Oh, wow. I really went and done us dirty with this one, didn't I? I think my motive in writing this prompt was to get us talking to each other. So, let's see if we can give each other something new to read or watch.If anyone has recommendations for these, let me know! Books I like super specific book genres. But the most important thing is that I hate long books. I know, I know. Don't say it. I just don't like super long books. I have such little time to read that if a book is over 300 or 400 pages, it's honestly just not happening right now. That doesn't mean I don't ever read long books, it's just means I don't read long books right now. Suspense/Psychological Thrillers I love suspenseful books, especially ones with twists. I liked: The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins. An alcoholic commuter witnesses something very out of the ordinary on her daily route and winds up in the middle of an investigation. A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay. A normal family comes under attack when their teenage daughter begins displaying signs of mental illness. But is it mental illness or a demonic possession as their priest suggests? This entire book is a descent into madness and so unsettling.Realistic fiction with dark undertones. I'm a super fan of plots that could theoretically happen and characters who could be your next-door-neighbor. Oh, but also really dark. I liked: We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. A mother attempts to come to terms with a horrific rampage that her son committed. I love the debates about parenthood and a mother's love that are the overarching themes of this book. The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides. A group of boys watch a family of five sisters disintegrate over the course of a year. At its root, this book is about nostalgia, memories, repression, religion, and coming-of-age.I also enjoy... LGBT+ themes are always a bonus. I love well-crafted settings and character building in books like Call Me by Your Name by André Aciman. Same with The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller. Really good memoirs from people who actually have something interesting to say. Speak, Memory by Vladimir Nabokov is one of my absolute favorites. He led such an interesting life and wrote about it so eloquently. I won't do movies too because I like the same style of movies as I do books. In fact, I Call Me by Your Name, We Need to Talk About Kevin, The Virgin Suicides, and The Girl on the Train all became really great movies. How much sorrow can I take? Blackbird on my shoulder And what difference does it make When this love is over? |
Artist: Neutral Milk Hotel Song: The King of Carrot Flowers pt. 1 [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from WakeUpAndLive️~🚬🚭2024  via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Have you ever taken writing classes or writing workshops? Here or anywhere else? What are your thoughts on taking them? I'm really loving the member-selected prompts. It's just cool to see what people are interested in reading from each other. I actually had to go back and search my portfolio because I've been around for a few years now and I couldn't remember if I'd done any workshops here. So sad, but I don't remember doing these at all. There apparently was an "The Rockin' Reviewers" workshop at some point because I have this private forum in my portfolio: "Invalid Item" from May of 2015. There are 4 posts in it. Two from me and two from Cinn in a thread entitled "Mmmmm" where we're just debating what rating I should put on the forum.That's literally the entire item.  I'm going to assume I flaked out of doing whatever I was supposed to do. Before that there was "Invalid Item" . I didn't even know I had a book item for this workshop - with only 2 entries at that.  Definitely need to re-use that item sometime.Yup, I flaked out there too apparently. A year before both of those workshops, there was a poetry workshop. "From The Ground Up Work" Cookie if you can guess what I did. If you guessed that I flaked out after the first assignment, here you go...  Clearly, I don't have a knack for following through on writing workshops. I think it's so difficult for me to branch out and do new things. I'm terrible at following rules because my brain wants to do what it wants to do, always. I remember with one of the workshops, I just couldn't get into the idea of following a super strict writing criteria. I didn't like what I wrote when I did that, so I just quit. I can really only write on my terms in the formatting and style that I want to write in, and that's a total shame. Maybe if I'd followed through with some of my writing workshops, I'd be able to creatively write more frequently than I do now. Outside of WDC, I've taken a couple college-level English and technical writing courses. I had to follow through with those because I had money invested. Quite frankly, I disliked the classes though. They were stale and the writing lacked all personality. I mean, it was technical writing after all. I would like to give a writing workshop another go around here. I just tend to work a lot better with loose prompts and assignments. I think a writing workshop could be useful at this point just to get myself to write something creative. If anyone sees one around, send it my way. In the meantime, I'll just hang out with my blogging people. Off-topic, but while digging through my port, I also found this social item that ~Minja~ made for my birthday in 2015 and I think it's the cutest thing ever: "Invalid Item"  When you were young, you were the king of carrot flowers And how you built a tower tumbling through the trees In holy rattlesnakes that fell all around your feet |
Artist: The National Song: I Should Live in Salt [Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Prompt from tah20 via "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" : Write about someone who truly moves/touches/inspires you. Do you know them personally, or admire them from afar? What do they do that makes them special? This is a difficult one for me. It's a good prompt. It's just that I have a difficult time genuinely admiring people. I can easily appreciate or respect aspects of someone's personality or skill set, but "admire" feels like a strong word. I feel like everyone has good and bad in them. You know, good people do bad things and bad people do good things all the time. I try to not be a jaded person, but I definitely find myself questioning others. Like, you're doing a good thing, but are you really just a bad person who's doing something good in between doing bad shit? Go look up your favorite artist, writer, actor, musician, whatever... How are we supposed to say that we admire someone or that someone is special when they're a terrible person? It's so hard to find someone who creates moving, touching things that isn't a complete tool at the very least. Let me just attack my own favorites for funsies. I love a lot of the classic rock musicians. I think they created such amazing, timeless music. But at the same time, lots of them were sleeping with 13-15 year olds when they were full grown adults. And I'm being nice by saying "sleeping with" instead of calling it what we all know it is.I don't care what year it is. It's fucking weird to want to hook up with a 14 year old when you're almost 30. You don't have to look very far to see the true nature of humans. I think looking at people who have money or hold some kind of power tells us everything we need to know. It's true that you have to separate the art from the artist, but that doesn't mean that it makes it easy to admire these people. The best I can say is that I like so-and-so's music or books or movies. I don't admire them as humans. And I don't admire anyone else either because I know how people are when they get money and power. So when I see someone who's a "good" person, in reality, I'm just thinking they're someone who hasn't had the opportunity to exercise power over others yet. But, ya know, if they could. . . Yes, I hear myself being negative af. It's honestly just how I feel though. Even people I know in real life aren't all good or all bad. They're hopefully more good than bad, but ya know, not always. I have people in my life who have a fair amount of money/power and they treat me like an actual trash can. Because they're not that good of people. And I allow them to do that because I'm not that good of a person either. The short answer (which is what I should have written in the first place, but it's too late now), is that there are a few people who truly move me: People who still put a smile on and move forward when all their shit is flipped upside down. I admire their ability to do that, because I'm not that strong. When someone is going through hell and you can't even tell? That's inspiring. People who do good shit without broadcasting it to anyone. Like, it's super cool that you helped out someone in need, but the fact that you took 15 pictures for social media and accidentally told me about it twice in a 72 hour period takes away from it slightly. You could've just done something good because it's the right thing to do. People who overcome a lot of shit to be basic, productive members of society. Yeah, they're gonna do bad shit too, but if someone can for the most part take care of themselves, pay their taxes, stay out of prison, and not be a danger to society after going through extreme adversity, I'm definitely moved by that and I respect it.I should leave it alone, but you're not right. |
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