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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
"JAFBG"  prompt: Some say this is the time of year to make peace. What are you coming to terms with as 2020 draws to an end?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Winter Solstice. Our shortest day and longest night... We’re about to enter the season of winter: Quiet. Reflection. Incubation. Going Inward. Write something inspired by that."Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" prompt: What was your biggest learning experience in 2020?Oh hey. A week since my last entry and three prompts that complement each other fairly well... Might as well write. Today is my first 'real' day of my holiday break. That's because I ended up having to work the entire afternoon of my birthday (despite getting approval to begin my vacation that day several weeks ago). Then Friday I went Christmas shopping and wrapped gifts, on Saturday we went on a little road trip to deliver said gifts to the kiddos in my family. I played ding-dong ditch, basically, although I did talk to my parents for half an hour or so (outside with masks on). It was the first time I'd seen anyone in my family since March. On Sunday, I had Jordan help me put together some furniture that I got Kira for Christmas. I also got her a french press and a waffle maker. Jordan very nervously shopped with me saying, "Isn't she going to get pissed off if you buy her kitchen appliances!?"  Today I've told everyone I need to do nothing. I need some time to be alone and decompress, just read and nap or something. I never knew I needed alone time like that. It must be a new feature of 2020? That's a good segue into the prompts. As we enter the winter solstice and the end of the year, I'm taking some time to quietly reflect on the journey of 2020. My pandemic diaries are nearly full. I think I have about 4 pages left in the journal. There have been so many punches to roll with this year. I don't particularly expect 2021 to be much different as it's clear that this will continue well into next year. But I do feel that I'm more at peace with some things now than I have been in the past. And by 'at peace' I mean still totally perplexed and pissed off, but attempting to let it go for my own sake. I've been able to calmly analyse various situations and accept them for what they are, which is an improvement over most of the year. Here's the biggest learning experience that 2020 brought me: It's okay to have limits on what personality attributes and opinions you'll accept from other people. This is pretty much the exact opposite of what I was told my entire life. I was always under the impression that you have to accept someone's opinion, even if you disagree, and still embrace them as a potential friend. Regardless of political affiliation or whatever, I always took other people attributes into consideration and weighed the pros and cons of them as a person so I could take in the whole package of who they were. Thanks to people for proving me wrong, I guess? Apparently, I have a whole laundry list of shit I just won't accept as a reasonable opinion from other people. I spent much of the year attempting to convince people to take the pandemic seriously, to take democracy seriously, and to do the right thing. I'm 100% over that, luckily. My empathy has been stretched so thin that it's snapping. I won't accept: 1. "Opinions" that result in harm and death to other humans. (i.e. I refuse to wear a mask or social distance because it's my right to spread a contagious illness.) 2. "Opinions" that diminish the laws of democracy. (i.e. I refuse to accept election results unless my candidate wins.) These just aren't things that I'll accept from other people. If you hold these views, there's a 90% chance that I've already observed your behavior and written you off as a person. I have absolutely no empathy left to give for people who downplayed covid, ran around refusing to wear a mask properly, and ended up getting sick. I mean, I just don't have the ability to even slightly feel sorry for you. I have people in my OWN family who are sick with the virus directly because of the fact that they're brainwashed by Trump and thought wearing a mask or making basic mitigations efforts was a political affront to their affiliated party. My cousin has been sick for over a month with the virus. She has been in and out of the hospital several times. She's now developed pneumonia. My mom tells me about it and I'm just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Too bad, I guess. I wonder how many other people she infected who are struggling to get back to 100% or have died. I just... couldn't care less. I don't know how Trumpers did it, but they managed to get one of the most sensitive people ever to just... not care. I only have so much empathy to give. I'll reserve it for people who did everything right and still got the virus because you chose your comfort of not wearing a mask over their well-being. I'll reserve it for healthcare and frontline workers who have had to stand in the face of the virus every day while you threw a tantrum about your rights to get people sick. I've long assumed that these people are specifically anti-American and are actually on covid's side. It's the only thing that makes sense. As we enter 2021, I can only hope these people slink back into their holes in shame, as they should. But regardless, I have a bunch of people who I've just given up on. I can't explain it because it's so unlike my personality, but I just don't care about them anymore. I've been watching people closely this year, observant as I am. I've been watching the things people write here on WDC. There are people I've known since I joined in 2014 who I just have totally distaste for now. I don't want to read anything they write. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them to speak to me. That doesn't even begin to touch on the people in my real life who I've just had to cut out. It's a metaphorical death to me. It took me pretty much all of 2020, but I've accepted those losses. At the beginning of this pandemic when it was spreading like wildfire through the cities, my cousin said, "Looks like it's just the democrats getting sick and dying OOPS LOL." She posted this verbatim on the internet when the virus was brand new to all of us and there was widespread panic. Looks like it's just the democrats getting sick and dying OOPS LOL Can you imagine? Can you imagine being such a heartless person? I've seen people in their blogs here saying, "No one is going to tell me to wear a mask! If you're scared of the virus then stay home." As though people don't have to get food, get medical care, or go to work. "It's not fair that we aren't allowed to gather in a huge group for this completely unnecessary event!" As though our hospital system isn't completely overwhelmed with patients. You want to hear a fun story? I have someone in my family who had several ministrokes in a row. He went to the emergency room seeking help twice in 24 hours because ministrokes are often a precursor to major strokes. Both times, the hospital turned him away and told him to come back if/when he had a major stroke because they don't have the capacity to deal with transient ischemic attacks. Imagine thinking that you deserve to gather in large groups inside restaurants without masks while people who are having ministrokes are being turned away by the hospital system. Maybe it's a BPD splitting issue, but I've split completely on these people. People with borderline personality disorder often split and see someone as either all good or all bad. I see them as all bad. Any 'good' attributes they have can easily be found in other people. I just don't care anymore about trying to make excuses for them or finding redeemable qualities. I give up. As 2020 comes to a close and we enter into 2021, these are the affirmations I've come to: 1. I've quietly observed what people have said and how they've behaved this year. I trust myself to make a qualified decision on who is unwilling to be inconvenienced for the greater good. 2. I'm okay with losing friends and family members who have been lost to wild conspiracy theories, anti-science babble, and narcissistic apathy. 3. I give myself permission to reject these people from my life and no longer associate with them in any way. After the year we've had, this is a cathartic and healing step. It's not enough to disagree with these people. Changing their mind is impossible. They're in a cult. They don't think rationally. They make fun of any efforts to get them to see a different perspective. They're mean, cold, lost people who need to be outright rejected. I spent too much of this year trying to be understanding. I don't make resolutions or anything like that, but I'm at peace with the fact that I can't change these people and I also can't allow them into my life any longer. There's a feeling of acceptance and anger melting away when I think about dropping the pleasantries I've attempted to maintain with them. The healthiest thing for my own sanity is to write them off and cut them out of my life in every way. I really think others should do the same. I don't see it as an act of anger. It's more an act of refusal to encourage and support people who don't care about the health and democracy of our country. Just wash your hands of them and their hateful echo chamber, seriously.  Well, you look like yourself But you're somebody else Only it ain't on the surface Well, you talk like yourself No, I hear someone else though Now you're making me nervous ~flora cash |
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