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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
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I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
"JAFBG"  prompt: Some traditions are a lot of fun. Others are a pain in the ass. What are your least favorite holiday traditions?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Pumpkin Pie Day. Are you a fan? Why or why not."Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" /"Blogging Circle of Friends " prompt: Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, Joyeux Noel, Feliz Navidad, Seasons Greetings or simply Hi. If you're in a writing mood feel free to post your entry.I desperately need the holidays to be over. Nothing happened. I just got hit with this panic-level need for the holidays - all of them - to be fucking over and done with. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin with the need for the holidays to never be mentioned again. This Election Day to New Years Day time period in 2020 has felt literally like 8 fucking months. I need it to be over. I don't care. We don't have to pretend like shit is awesome. We don't have to pretend "for the sake of the holidays" that anything is business as usual. This is the shit that makes me hate the holidays. "Well, gee golly, I couldn't possibly celebrate THE HOLIDAYS™ away from my family. Let's talk about holiday traditions that are a pain in the ass. That's the big hitter. This fucking bizarre idea that a random Friday in December is a #bigdeal. It doesn't matter. It's an illusion. Meaning is being placed on this arbitrary date as though specific things have to happen on that exact date. Like you couldn't possibly do the same exact thing on a random Wednesday in June. I don't want to hear about THE HOLIDAYS™ or how there's this life or death need for people to see their family members on those specific dates. This year has made it especially apparent how little this shit matters to me. There's only so many baked goods you can make (and consume) or so many holiday movies you can watch or gifts you can buy or whatever you're expected to do on these dates. It's especially annoying that you have to feel weird if you're doing something normal on the eve of a major holiday, like, just reading a book or something. It's like, "Oh, you're not celebrating?" Celebrating what? Explain to me what we have to celebrate and then I'll consider it. Until then, I'm just going to read a book like every other day because this.is.every.other.day. It's the exact same as last Friday. Next Friday will also be the exact same. And the one after that. It's not "scrooge-ish" to say this. I don't care what holidays you celebrate or don't celebrate. I don't care what you believe in or don't believe in. It's just... blah. Are you feeling my panic-level need for the holidays to disappear? Because I'm feeling it. Like, can it be mid-January when people can stop pretending like we have to give a fuck about any of this?  This isn't even a 2020 thing for me, to be fair. I basically want to skip from November 1st to January 15th every year. I don't particularly care whether or not the holiday cheer is real or not, although I can say that a lot of people who have 'holiday cheer' aren't especially kind throughout the rest of the year, in my experience.It's the just the whole ado of it. This weird pressure to somehow participate even when you're like, "Oh, hey, file that under things I don't care about." When I'm thinking of holiday traditions, I find almost none of them to be anything to write home about:  Eating a bunch of food. Not my style. I hate the feeling of overeating so I never do it. To answer the 30DBC prompt, I don't mind the food. I do like pumpkin pie, depending on my mood. I can also make that at any time of the year and I'd likely prefer it around Halloween. But I just hate any pressure placed on me to "eat more" and I think it's a very American-centric issue. Like, while a normal human wouldn't require any more food than you've had, please continue to stuff your face because it's the holidaaaayyys. Gifts. I've ranted about them before. I hate them. I hate trying to buy something for people who make way more money than me and also have no hobbies outside of work. I hate receiving gifts and being like errr, thanks, a decorative cat plate! Cheer-mode initiated. I hate that I can't even write what I'm writing right now without people reading it and likely thinking, Bah-humbug! No, you can be in a bad mood, even if it's the holidays. They're the exact same as any other day which means it's relatively normal to have good days and bad days throughout the 2-month period. The family stress. I hate seeing my family under the pressure of the holidays. Is something stressful from the past going to get brought up? Is that one distant family member going to say something weird again? Is everyone going to like their gifts? Is everyone going to like the food? Is everyone going to have cheer mode initiated? Seeing people outside of the holidays has a totally different, way more chill vibe.There are things I liked about the holidays at one point. For a while, I enjoyed seeing my family and we'd play board games and have a few drinks. It was pretty nice. Then my brothers both got married and started having a bunch of kids. Now our holidays are like what you think of when you see a stressful holiday movie- not enough seats for everyone, distant relatives of in-laws that you don't really know, g-rated conversation because of the kids, constant screaming and crying from the kids so no real conversation can be had. I love the kids in my family, obviously, but from my perspective the holidays kind of look like driving super far only to have everyone who lives in the same area show up an hour late because they have kids. Being forced into awkward conversation with my sister-in-law's great uncle. Not being able to talk to anyone I actually know because they're rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off. Getting a migraine because someone is microwaving eggs and the kids have been screaming for an hour straight. Then wandering off at some point feeling like I wasn't actually there because the only evidence I have of my being there is that I now know how my sister-in-law's great uncle lost his left pinky toe. It's, um, awkward? But that's not my real beef with the holidays. I can handle that although I wouldn't really call it fun or interesting in any way. I get that things don't exist to entertain me. What I can't get over is bullet point 3 in my list. This fetishization of joy that you're supposed to, without question, feel for an extended period of time because it's THE HOLIDAYS™ and you're being a real bummer if you don't follow the known rules of them. Like, come on, we don't have to get manic every single December. It's not that big of a deal. And as far as covid holidays go, yes, it sucks that you can't safely see your family members. I empathize. But what would really be cool is if we could stop pretending like something has to occur on an exact date or it's all ruined. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. That's like primary school level knowledge. Get vaccinated and celebrate coming out on the other side of all of this in May or whatever. The weather will be better anyway. I've counted blessings while confessing I've some to spare Beg or borrow, swallow sorrow I have come prepared ~TA |
"JAFBG" prompt: Some say this is the time of year to make peace. What are you coming to terms with as 2020 draws to an end?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Winter Solstice. Our shortest day and longest night... We’re about to enter the season of winter: Quiet. Reflection. Incubation. Going Inward. Write something inspired by that."Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise" prompt: What was your biggest learning experience in 2020?Oh hey. A week since my last entry and three prompts that complement each other fairly well... Might as well write. Today is my first 'real' day of my holiday break. That's because I ended up having to work the entire afternoon of my birthday (despite getting approval to begin my vacation that day several weeks ago). Then Friday I went Christmas shopping and wrapped gifts, on Saturday we went on a little road trip to deliver said gifts to the kiddos in my family. I played ding-dong ditch, basically, although I did talk to my parents for half an hour or so (outside with masks on). It was the first time I'd seen anyone in my family since March. On Sunday, I had Jordan help me put together some furniture that I got Kira for Christmas. I also got her a french press and a waffle maker. Jordan very nervously shopped with me saying, "Isn't she going to get pissed off if you buy her kitchen appliances!?" Today I've told everyone I need to do nothing. I need some time to be alone and decompress, just read and nap or something. I never knew I needed alone time like that. It must be a new feature of 2020? That's a good segue into the prompts. As we enter the winter solstice and the end of the year, I'm taking some time to quietly reflect on the journey of 2020. My pandemic diaries are nearly full. I think I have about 4 pages left in the journal. There have been so many punches to roll with this year. I don't particularly expect 2021 to be much different as it's clear that this will continue well into next year. But I do feel that I'm more at peace with some things now than I have been in the past. And by 'at peace' I mean still totally perplexed and pissed off, but attempting to let it go for my own sake. I've been able to calmly analyse various situations and accept them for what they are, which is an improvement over most of the year. Here's the biggest learning experience that 2020 brought me: It's okay to have limits on what personality attributes and opinions you'll accept from other people. This is pretty much the exact opposite of what I was told my entire life. I was always under the impression that you have to accept someone's opinion, even if you disagree, and still embrace them as a potential friend. Regardless of political affiliation or whatever, I always took other people attributes into consideration and weighed the pros and cons of them as a person so I could take in the whole package of who they were. Thanks to people for proving me wrong, I guess? Apparently, I have a whole laundry list of shit I just won't accept as a reasonable opinion from other people. I spent much of the year attempting to convince people to take the pandemic seriously, to take democracy seriously, and to do the right thing. I'm 100% over that, luckily. My empathy has been stretched so thin that it's snapping. I won't accept: 1. "Opinions" that result in harm and death to other humans. (i.e. I refuse to wear a mask or social distance because it's my right to spread a contagious illness.) 2. "Opinions" that diminish the laws of democracy. (i.e. I refuse to accept election results unless my candidate wins.) These just aren't things that I'll accept from other people. If you hold these views, there's a 90% chance that I've already observed your behavior and written you off as a person. I have absolutely no empathy left to give for people who downplayed covid, ran around refusing to wear a mask properly, and ended up getting sick. I mean, I just don't have the ability to even slightly feel sorry for you. I have people in my OWN family who are sick with the virus directly because of the fact that they're brainwashed by Trump and thought wearing a mask or making basic mitigations efforts was a political affront to their affiliated party. My cousin has been sick for over a month with the virus. She has been in and out of the hospital several times. She's now developed pneumonia. My mom tells me about it and I'm just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Too bad, I guess. I wonder how many other people she infected who are struggling to get back to 100% or have died. I just... couldn't care less. I don't know how Trumpers did it, but they managed to get one of the most sensitive people ever to just... not care. I only have so much empathy to give. I'll reserve it for people who did everything right and still got the virus because you chose your comfort of not wearing a mask over their well-being. I'll reserve it for healthcare and frontline workers who have had to stand in the face of the virus every day while you threw a tantrum about your rights to get people sick. I've long assumed that these people are specifically anti-American and are actually on covid's side. It's the only thing that makes sense. As we enter 2021, I can only hope these people slink back into their holes in shame, as they should. But regardless, I have a bunch of people who I've just given up on. I can't explain it because it's so unlike my personality, but I just don't care about them anymore. I've been watching people closely this year, observant as I am. I've been watching the things people write here on WDC. There are people I've known since I joined in 2014 who I just have totally distaste for now. I don't want to read anything they write. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them to speak to me. That doesn't even begin to touch on the people in my real life who I've just had to cut out. It's a metaphorical death to me. It took me pretty much all of 2020, but I've accepted those losses. At the beginning of this pandemic when it was spreading like wildfire through the cities, my cousin said, "Looks like it's just the democrats getting sick and dying OOPS LOL." She posted this verbatim on the internet when the virus was brand new to all of us and there was widespread panic. Looks like it's just the democrats getting sick and dying OOPS LOL Can you imagine? Can you imagine being such a heartless person? I've seen people in their blogs here saying, "No one is going to tell me to wear a mask! If you're scared of the virus then stay home." As though people don't have to get food, get medical care, or go to work. "It's not fair that we aren't allowed to gather in a huge group for this completely unnecessary event!" As though our hospital system isn't completely overwhelmed with patients. You want to hear a fun story? I have someone in my family who had several ministrokes in a row. He went to the emergency room seeking help twice in 24 hours because ministrokes are often a precursor to major strokes. Both times, the hospital turned him away and told him to come back if/when he had a major stroke because they don't have the capacity to deal with transient ischemic attacks. Imagine thinking that you deserve to gather in large groups inside restaurants without masks while people who are having ministrokes are being turned away by the hospital system. Maybe it's a BPD splitting issue, but I've split completely on these people. People with borderline personality disorder often split and see someone as either all good or all bad. I see them as all bad. Any 'good' attributes they have can easily be found in other people. I just don't care anymore about trying to make excuses for them or finding redeemable qualities. I give up. As 2020 comes to a close and we enter into 2021, these are the affirmations I've come to: 1. I've quietly observed what people have said and how they've behaved this year. I trust myself to make a qualified decision on who is unwilling to be inconvenienced for the greater good. 2. I'm okay with losing friends and family members who have been lost to wild conspiracy theories, anti-science babble, and narcissistic apathy. 3. I give myself permission to reject these people from my life and no longer associate with them in any way. After the year we've had, this is a cathartic and healing step. It's not enough to disagree with these people. Changing their mind is impossible. They're in a cult. They don't think rationally. They make fun of any efforts to get them to see a different perspective. They're mean, cold, lost people who need to be outright rejected. I spent too much of this year trying to be understanding. I don't make resolutions or anything like that, but I'm at peace with the fact that I can't change these people and I also can't allow them into my life any longer. There's a feeling of acceptance and anger melting away when I think about dropping the pleasantries I've attempted to maintain with them. The healthiest thing for my own sanity is to write them off and cut them out of my life in every way. I really think others should do the same. I don't see it as an act of anger. It's more an act of refusal to encourage and support people who don't care about the health and democracy of our country. Just wash your hands of them and their hateful echo chamber, seriously.  Well, you look like yourself But you're somebody else Only it ain't on the surface Well, you talk like yourself No, I hear someone else though Now you're making me nervous ~flora cash |
"JAFBG" prompt: Congratulations! You get to kill one holiday song and never have to hear it again. Which will you choose?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Every Christmas holiday we all sing about "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...." But, have you ever roasted chestnuts!?I've had quite a listless weekend. I agitated my own self with my previous blog entry and thought it better that I take a few days away lest I continue to pick at my past and become further engrossed in the concept. Instead, I spent the week alternating between reading, napping, and watching movies. I completed my very first Goodreads review and I've been working on diversifying my feed there by making some friends. You can add me if you have an account. Here’s my review of Imagine Me Gone by Adam Haslett.I only wish I'd made one sooner, after spending much of 2020 in isolation reading my weekends and free time away. I can hardly remember now anything that I read or any feelings I might have had in relation to those books. I don't know if that says more about me or about the books. Regardless, I plan to keep up the hobby of reading at least one book a week. I've found it easy enough to read about 50-80 pages a day, depending on the material and where my mind is that day. I'm using Goodreads to help fill out my to-be-read list for "52 in 52" , and I've joined a Goodreads book club on Discord that reads and discusses a new book each month. I'm simultaneously surprised and not surprised at all that I've not run into anything similar on WDC.But onto the prompts... I've actually never seen anyone roasting chestnuts before. I don't even know what this would do to them. Does it soften them? Are they hard to begin with? Does roasting them change the texture? I can't imagine eating anything hard with my TMJ issues. I've not enjoyed eating once since those muscles and joints started bothering me after my surgery this year. It's a miracle I don't starve. Even just the motion of chewing causes lightning-like pain in my jaw joints. I have constant tinnitus, which apparently over half of people with TMJ issues have as well. Either way, suffice to say that I probably don't like chestnuts, roasted or otherwise. I know the worst Christmas song too. It's Mariah Carey's cover of "All I Want for Christmas Is You." I dread it less now that I'm not working in retail, although I've been informed by my boss that the office actually plays Christmas music for all of November and December each year. There are legitimately okay-ish holiday songs. This one, um, isn't one of them. It's played into the fucking ground every year. This song also has nothing to do with Christmas or the idea behind Christmas spirit. Not that I care much about that, but it's just a generic love song that uses the holiday in its lyrics and it's suddenly one of the best Christmas songs of all time? Puh-lease. Here's the deal with Christmas songs for me. My grandmother and I used to hang out all the time in the weeks leading up to Christmas, drinking hot cocoa, baking cookies, working on jigsaw puzzles, wrapping gifts, and yes, listening to Christmas music. I don't actually hate Christmas music as a whole. It reminds me of my grandmother and those memories with her. My personal favorite was "Silent Night" and she enjoyed "O Come, All Ye Faithful" a lot. Now my favorite is "Fairytale of New York" by the Pogues and I can't listen to those traditional Christmas songs because they make me sad. “The monster you lie with is your own. The struggle is endlessly private. I thought it was over.” ~Adam Haslett, Imagine Me Gone |
"JAFBG" prompt: I had neighbors decorating for Christmas before Halloween this year. How do you feel about Christmas starting sooner each year?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Human Right's Day. Write anything you wish about this.Even though I wrote this "JAFBG" prompt, it actually didn't bother me at all that my neighbors decorated so early. I thought it was a little weird because it was like mid-October, but I figured they were just crushingly depressed and trying to get into the spirit of the holidays early.That being said, anything that flashes or makes noise is a violation of my human rights. As someone who gets migraines and vertigo, it should be illegal to do blinky lights in a public area. I'm trying to think of how in-depth I want to go on human rights here. Not sure if I'm up for a rant after working so many hours today, but we'll see how it goes. I think people get confused about their rights frequently, be it Constitutional rights, human rights, or otherwise. You do have a right to free speech, and your employer also has a right to fire you for racist speech. Those are standalone rights of both parties. Another thing that happens frequently is that rights get violated all the time. That's like a daily thing. For example, one of our universal human rights is that we shall not be subjected to torture or to any kind of cruel, degrading punishments. Yet that's common, legal practice in many countries. I also know plenty of people who have been subjected to cruel and degrading punishments. It's not out of the norm in any way. I'm going to be American-centric here for a minute to go over some human rights that we 100% don't have even though they're in the universal declaration of human rights. The reason being that it's funny how we just don't have these basic human rights that were set forth in 1948. Technical and professional education shall be made generally available and higher education shall be equally accessible to all on the basis of merit. Oooooh really?? "Equally accessible to all" is an absolute joke for almost every single aspect of our country. Everyone has the right to rest and leisure, including reasonable limitation of working hours and periodic holidays with pay. Tell this to the people I work with who work 80 hours a week until they have a mental breakdown. Tell this to those working minimum wage jobs who literally never have a paid holiday. No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest, detention or exile. *looks around awkwardly* Everyone has the right to a standard of living adequate for the health and well-being of himself and of his family, including food, clothing, housing and medical care and necessary social services, and the right to security in the event of unemployment, sickness, disability, widowhood, old age or other lack of livelihood in circumstances beyond his control. I'll stop here because this is my favorite one. This sounds so ideal, but it is so incredibly far from reality. You can do everything right and then circumstances beyond your control can knock you on your ass, bankrupt you, make you lose your home, and ruin your entire life. That is some actual bullshit. But we can't advance our society because that would be SOCIALISM/COMMUNISM. I've never seen such a large group of people who are directly against their own self-interests. Almost my entire extended family collects welfare while simultaneously being ardent conservatives and Trump supporters. I have a theory that I've been building pretty much since I had the ability to think. People probably won't like it or agree with it, but I've seen a lot of things and of this I'm sure: There is a strong connection between Christianity, conservatism, and sadomasochism. Okay, now hear me out. Let's start with this: - 85% of conservatives identify as Christian - 52% of liberals are Christian I grew up in the Catholic church and there is not a person anywhere ever who will convince me that this religion is not drenched in masochism. First of all, we have Jesus who masochistically suffered torture to save humans because they were naughty. I mean, really, that's what the entire religion is built around. This masochistic choice to suffer punishment to redeem the souls of sinners. Then, growing up in the church, I was taught that if I didn't believe what I was being told, if I didn't repent, if I didn't do what God wanted me to do, I would be endlessly tortured in the lake of fire for my insolence. I grew up watching people say, "Well, God doesn't give me anymore than I can take." "If God wants me to suffer, I'll suffer for him." "I know that I've lost everything in my life, but God giveth and God taketh away." You know what this sounds like? It sounds like a sadomasochistic relationship. When God decides you must suffer for him, you suffer for him gratefully and it's called a holy relationship. When Logan makes me suffer for him, I do so willingly and people call it an abusive relationship. Explain to me. As I've gotten older, I've seen an eerily similar pattern with conservative talking points. "Well, yes, that one person has more money than they could ever spend in a lifetime and my family and I would literally starve without government assistance, but I deserve to suffer because that billionaire is smarter/better than me." You might hear it phrased as, "Well, if he can get that rich then more power to him, I'll tell ya what!" Along the same lines, "Nothing in life is free! You gotta spin your wheels endlessly if you wanna feed your kids." "Why shouldn't people be in massive debt from student loans? No one made them get an education!" "Why should we all have healthcare? Only people who have good enough jobs to be offered health insurance deserve healthcare. Gotta pick yourself up by the bootstraps if you want healthcare." I'm probably not smart enough to articulate what I'm trying to say. But I've grown up in these relationships. They've molded who I am, and I swear, there's a correlation. I'm not even saying that it's a bad thing. If you enjoy being masochistic and it makes you feel good, there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is with the word deserving. Catholicism taught me that I deserve anything bad that happens to me. It's my cross to bear, as they say. And anything I work hard to achieve isn't actually my accomplishment because it was gifted to me by God. We become complacent to human rights violations in this way. We see a situation like, Wow, this person works 2 jobs to try to support their family. They don't have access to healthcare. They're barely making ends meet. They're one paycheck away from being homeless. And instead of responding to this with, "This isn't right. Humans should not have to work two jobs just to be one paycheck away from homeless. Humans should not have to spin their wheels without access to healthcare for themselves and their families." We hear: "Well, God tests us all, but he doesn't give us more than we can take so be blessed with what God has graced upon you." OR "Well, if you wanted to be able to survive you shouldn't have started a family. If you get sick, that's not MY fault. Why should we have to foot the bill for your issues?" This is a fucking problem. We work hard and we deserve to have social safety nets. We don't deserve to bear the weight of illness without access to healthcare that won't put us into massive debt and bankrupt us. We are an allegedly civilized, advanced society. We deserve access to reasonably-priced education for the betterment of ourselves and our society. We don't deserve to be under the thumbs of mega-corporations so that we can make a few people obscenely rich off our backs while we debate whether to pay our student loan bill or our rent this month. This idea that we must chronically suffer with a grateful smile is toxic to humanity and it is the antithesis of human rights. In Catholic school, as vicious as Roman rule, I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black. And I held my tongue as she told me, "Son, fear is the heart of love," so I never went back. ~DCFC |
"JAFBG" prompt:It's reverse Christmas! You get to steal one thing from someone else and claim it as a gift for yourself. What are you taking?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: National Pastry Day. Write about an experience of eating pastries. What did you eat, with whom, etc?Yeah, I dunno, I'm with Robert Waltz  here. I'm having trouble even making prompts work for me at this point. It's just hard to talk about pastries or the holidays when, you know, *motions wildly at everything* Like, I don't even give a shit to rant about the holidays this year.Honestly, if you can keep holiday cheer this year then more fucking power to you. Also, teach me all your secrets. Let me recap my day for you. So, before I even started work today, we all got a memo letting us know that one of our coworkers died. Really sad because she was a very welcoming and sweet person to me when I first started in the office. She checked in on me several times in my first month just to make sure I was settling in okay, even though she wasn't part of HR or any other department that would need to do that. She was only in her early 60s which is pretty young when people regularly live into their 80s and 90s. So that was kind of shocking, though not completely because as I've mentioned, I have several coworkers sick with covid at this point. It’s just statistically bound to happen at some point. Regardless, I moved on with my work for the day and busied myself compiling and sending reports. At lunch, I decided to talk to Kira about having Jordan stay with us for a few weeks starting next Thursday, which is my birthday and the first day of my vacation. She immediately said exactly what I thought she’d say, which was, “Do you really think that’s a good idea? You’ll need to talk to Logan about it.” Just as I began to protest this, my phone rang and it was one of my employees. He had a family member who had just died from covid and he was letting me know that he was going to be out for the rest of the week. I gave my condolences and told him not to worry about work and to just take care of himself. As we were getting off the phone he said, “Hang on a second [Other Employee] needs to talk to you.” So she gets on the phone and tells me that she has all this stuff she’s supposed to do this afternoon and she can’t do it. She was out with covid for a few weeks but has been back since the end of last week. She told me she’s exhausted and can’t even stand up for more than 10 minutes, feels like she’s going to pass out, etc. I told her to also just go home, don’t worry about it, get some rest. At that point I’d totally lost my appetite and just went back to working instead of having lunch. I also messaged Logan to let him know that I was having Jordan stay with me. He immediately responded with, “No. Bad idea.” I told him basically that I’m not seeking permission. I’m letting him know out of courtesy that I’ve decided to do this. He just responded with, “I see.” And I didn’t hear back from him again. About 20 minutes before the end of the work day, I got a call from one of the higher ups. He asked if I let Other Employee go home early today because she was tired. I told him yeah and he seemed pretty annoyed. He was just like, “Well, we can’t all quit working when we’re tired.” I told him we’re not all recovering from covid and she really wasn’t feeling well. He said okay, but told me to remember that we still have things to get done by the end of the year. I don’t really know what they want me to do. If someone is too fatigued to stand up for more than 10 minutes they can’t really work for 10 hours straight. I dunno. Later when we had dinner, Kira asked me a bunch of questions about Jordan staying here. She asked how long I was planning on having him over, if I really thought he was clean and how I could be so sure, what we were planning on doing while he’s here. Basically just a total interrogation. I told her she’s had her friend living with us for years so if I want my friend to come hang out for a few weeks, I’m going to do just that. I told her I don’t really care how she and Logan feel about it. I was annoyed knowing they likely discussed it without me. She said if I’m set on doing that, there are going to be a lot of ground rules. Things like staying isolated beforehand, which we’re both already doing. No drinking or smoking, which I’d try not to do around someone who’s just out of rehab anyway. Where everyone’s going to sleep, what we’re going to do all day, and all that kind of stuff. She said it’s a bad idea because my mental state has been up and down too much lately and she thinks we aren’t healthy for each other to be around. But despite all that, I’m kind of relieved thinking they might let it go and let me do what I want without hassling me too much. Obviously, I understand the concern because of our previous relapses together and our history and all that. But I’ll feel better having him here and knowing that he’s not alone trying to stay clean during the holidays. Overall, just kind of feeling like I’m surrounded by badness. Too much going on with the virus. I can’t wait to go on my break just so I can stop hearing about people having it and being sick and stuff. Hopefully that doesn’t sound too insensitive. I do care and I want everyone to be okay, but because I have no control, I pretty much just don’t even want to know about it. I have no will left with this pandemic. It’s brutally depressing. I’m at the point where I don’t even care about the covid minimizers and deniers anymore. Like, I don’t even have the energy to be angry. If I could steal something from others this year and claim it as a gift for myself though, I would steal every single one of their electronics and make a bonfire of it. Take away their access to fucking facebook and shitty media so they’re forced to use their own pea brains to form an opinion about the virus. Alright, maybe I do still have the capacity for anger. Shocking. It’s just absolutely baffling to see people still downplaying the virus. “Everyone is overreacting! The media is fearmongering! It’s not even a big deal!” If it’s not a big deal then why am I, someone who doesn’t watch the news or use social media outside of WDC, spending 11 hours a day five days a week attempting to keep things afloat and on track at work because so many people are sick or losing family members to covid? Seriously, I’d be fucking stoked if someone could explain to me how my real life experiences aren’t actually happening. It would make me feel much better. But it’s not going to happen because these people are just gaslighters who attempt to invalidate other people’s experiences because what’s happening doesn’t fit the political narrative they’ve been pushing on this since jump. Lacking compassion and empathy never falls off trend with these people, I swear. So I really need to just have a bonfire with all their electronic devices. This would be cathartic and mentally soothing for me. Luckily, my brain has gone into self-preservation mode. It can now instantly block out this kind of bullshit. It won’t even really register in my brain at this point. I see someone writing about how it’s unfair it is that they can’t gather in a huge group because people are being dramatic and my brain automatically crosses them out of existence. It’s helpful because with a quick glance I can be like, “Ooh, your opinion is trash. Got it.” without attempting to reconcile what the person is saying. It saves a lot of time an energy. Seriously, you know that when I give up on you that people are genuinely sick of you and it’s your fault. Because I desperately attempt to understand other people’s perspectives to the extent that I’ll make nearly endless excuses on their behalf. Even if they’re straight up abusive my dumbass will be like, But they mean well! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This year has broken my brain. Oh, and are croissants a pastry? If so, I choose those to have alone around my bonfire because I clearly need space. I've counted blessings while confessing I have some to spare. Beg or borrow, swallow sorrow, I have come prepared. ~TA |
"JAFBG" prompt: This is the most wonderful time of the year! Now, tell us why that's total bullshit."30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: There are many types of brownies:Fudgy, cakey, 'special', with or without nuts, etc... Tell us something about brownies. Is someone offering special brownies? I mean, I'll take some? I dunno if you all have ever gotten 'special' treats before, but the portion sizes are really funny. It'll be like a gummy bear and they'll be like, yeah, start with a tiny amount, like 5mg, which is half a gummy bear. So you're supposed to just bite its head off? It's hilarious because we're used to eating way larger portions of snacks. It's super easy to overdo edibles because one cookie will be like 8 servings. It takes a while to kick in too. Everyone I know who has taken edibles has eaten too much at least once. It's like a rite of passage. Anyway, this time of year is so far from wonderful. I got disillusioned to these holidays fairly quickly when I saw people acting nice for 3-5 weeks and then spending the next 3 months until spring acting like dicks to everyone. You shouldn't just be nice and pleasant around the holidays. You should always be a respectful, kind, and thoughtful person. Working in retail during the holidays was the nail in the coffin for any kind of holiday cheer for me. It's basically just a rat race of trying to prove that you give a fuck about people by buying them something. Even if you try to make it not about that, your hand gets forced through societal expectations. It's just, um, stupid. I still haven't mentioned my friend staying with us over my holiday break to Kira. I know I need to because he'll be here for almost 3 weeks, so it's kind of important. But I also know it's going to be a thing so I'm not too eager to deal with it. Especially because I've basically already made my mind up about it. Like, we can discuss it, but I'm also not going to compromise. I've hardly taken any days off from work all year. I even worked while recovering from surgery. So I want to spend my time off however I want to spend it. It's one of those things where you know everything someone's going to say before they say it, so you don't even want to listen. I also decided that I'm going to go deliver my nieces' and nephew's gifts to them. I'm not going to go inside or stay for a visit or anything, but I need to get out of the house anyway and driving for a few hours will help me get a change of scenery. Plus, I want them to at least see me so they'll remember that I still exist. I'll do that probably the weekend before Christmas because I'll already be on my holiday break by that point. I could just mail the gifts to them, but it's not like it's dangerous to be in my car with people I live with or anything. Oh, I almost forgot! I'm planning on doing "52 in 52" in 2021. I've barely been writing, but I've been reading a lot all year. I like the idea of doing a themed reading challenge. I've been gathering 3 book ideas for each category. Once the week rolls around, I'll read a sample of each book from my library before picking whichever one I'm going to read for that week's theme.Week 1 is A book with the first letter of the title being "A". The three books I'm debating between are: Allegedly by Tiffany D. JacksonA Separate Peace by John KnowlesAnd Then There Were None by Agatha ChristieThe challenge should be pretty easy because it allows you to just blog about the book you read that week. Easy enough to slip into an entry once a week. A lot of times I don't do reading challenges because they require product reviews and I hate trying to give star ratings to books. I mean, if I finished a book, I at least mostly liked it. I'm not the type who struggles through a book if I'm not enjoying it. You have, like, 50 pages to grab my attention and hold it. If I get that far into a book and I'm not enjoying it, I just assume it's not for me and toss it into the "did not finish" pile. I made a Goodreads account to try to track what I read in 2021. I thought I had an account before, but couldn't seem to find it.  Anyway, if you're doing the challenge too and want to be friends over there (or if you just read a lot), feel free to add me:https://www.goodreads.com/charlieabney And I’m just a risk A colossal near miss Prone to resist what is best for me ~TA |
"JAFBG" prompt: How is covid changing your holiday plans and how do you feel about that?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Write a letter to one of your favorite characters. Which book and who's the author?I’m feeling a little bit better today. I’m cautiously optimistic. Which is a dangerous thing, by the way. Having any kind of hope can be a really bad thing when you're, um, me. But either way, covid holiday plans... So, typically I travel a couple hours to my family's state. I usually shop online for gifts for the kids. I like to get them cool, unique things that you can't pick up at a big box store. Then we drive out and spend a day at my oldest brother's house or at my parents' house. In case it isn't obvious from my previous entries, I'm tense around my family. My dad and I haven't spoken since March, so that's like, 9 months now? I've not talked to my oldest brother in almost a year. We'd probably honestly never talk if it weren't for holiday and birthday celebrations. I go to those for my nieces and nephew who only know that Uncle Charlie is cool and brings expensive gifts.  That being said, I still care about my family. My family still cares about me. There's just so much pain in our history that I simply can't move forward from. When I hug my dad, I just feel this aching, gaping hole inside of me. Sometimes when I leave, my dad and I hug and we both start crying because I don't want to let go and he doesn't want to let go either. But we can't have a relationship because there's too much hurt. I know I've said it before in my blog, but I usually cry the entire way home from seeing my family. Like, that's normal for me and Kira is used to it. But that won't be happening this year because my family isn't celebrating the holidays together due to the virus. I'm sure Kira is relieved. Part of me is also relieved. It's a triggering situation for me, although I do miss the kids. I talked to my oldest friend today though. We've been best friends since I was like 17, and I've written about him here many times. Also he has a WDC account that he won't tell me the name of so I know he reads my blog once in a blue moon. So, hey, Jordan, on the off chance you read this. Ha, now I just made myself uncomfortable about writing with the idea that someone I know could potentially read it. Um, okay, so yeah. He got out of rehab a couple weeks before Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how many times he's been now, but it's definitely a lot more than me. But I'm super proud of him because he has been clean now since the beginning of October. It's a really long time for him, and really anyone who has an addiction. When we met, we were both full-blown addicts and our friendship kind of was built around that. We kept dragging each other back down into it. I remember a time where he was in rehab for quite a while and came out clean and just looked and seemed so much healthier. But I was still in the throes of it and I was like I can't believe this asshole is leaving me alone in addiction like this. So he started using again with me at that point. Then when my university classes started getting difficult, I was like okay, I'm going to have to give one of them up- either my addiction or my education. And with that ultimatum in front of me, I was finally able to get clean. I love Jordan, but he took this as a personal affront to him. Similar to how I'd behaved years earlier. Perhaps because of how I'd behaved years earlier. Either way, our friendship since then has been kind of rocky. Like he’ll call me a sellout and then I’ll relapse. My last relapse was in June when Jordan was staying with me during the BLM protests. Kira and Logan (especially Logan) put a stop to that very quickly. The reason I mention this is that I talked to Jordan today and he mentioned to me that he has just been sitting around since he got back home. Even though he has basically been quarantined since then, his family isn’t doing anything for the holidays either. He spent thanksgiving by himself at home. So I had the thought that because he’s quarantined and I’ve also been pretty much quarantined for weeks, we could spend my holiday work break together. I have a vacation from my birthday (17th of this month) through the 5th of January, minus a couple days I need to work near the end of December. As long as we both stay quarantined until the 17th, there’s really no reason he can’t come stay with me. So I invited him to do that and he was really excited. No one wants to spend the holidays totally alone. The only issue is that I didn’t pass this by Kira first and I’m not really sure how she’s going to handle that. She might be okay with it, or she might tell me it’s a bad idea. It could really go either way. She knows he’s super important to me, but because our history is so rocky, I’m just not sure. I’m kind of worried that she’s going to tell me to pass it by Logan first knowing that Logan is going to say no immediately. At the end of the day, it’s kind of my apartment so I feel like if I want a guest I should be able to do that. But also, they’re my support system so I try not to alienate them. Hopefully it goes fine because spending the holiday with him would make me feel better. As far as a letter to my favorite book character, well, my favorite book character is problem Holden Caulfield from The Catcher in the Rye. A lot of people find him to be annoying, but he’s my spirit animal. I read that book at just the right moment in my teenage angst. Honestly, I think it’s the popular reaction at this point to write the character off as melodramatic and whiny. But let’s look at the character for a minute. Spoiler alert, I guess, in case you haven’t read this book from 1951 and you’re planning to. So, first of all. We have a 16-year-old kid. People who call this character immature make me laugh because... yes, he’s a child, so...? So we have a kid who has depression and post traumatic stress disorder from the death of his brother. The book’s author also had PTSD and understood the disorder well. And this kid is dealing with PTSD by being cynically detached from everything around him because he’s terrified of loving and losing again. He spends the entire book attempting to hold onto and protect an idea of innocence, especially the innocence of his little sister and women in general. He’s wildly switching between an adolescent and adult mind frame, as you do at that age, and he’s looking for the innocence in others that he doesn’t see in adults and that he has lost himself. Plus, he’s in a mental institution the whole time. So like, can people give this kid a break? There’s a ton of things left unsaid in this book, and that’s blatantly stated at the end. I can’t write a letter to Holden Caulfield because Holden Caulfield is J.D. Salinger. So, to Salinger: I see you taking your personal trauma and building into a coming-of-age story. I see the fight to remain innocent and protect innocence for as long as you can. I understand that there is no individual person who can save everyone, even when we want to protect others from going through difficult times. I see the alienation you felt and tried to build into this character. And I’m sorry that people expect a 16 year old who’s in a mental hospital dealing with trauma to be more emotionally developed. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say 'Holden Caulfield' on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say 'Fuck you.' I'm positive, in fact. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye |
"JAFBG" prompt: Do you think the holiday cheer is genuine or do you think most people are just acting fake around this time of year?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Marooned Without a Compass Day! So where are you and what are you going to do?Excuse me, hi, yes, how the fuck are you guys even functioning? I know people who are in the full swing of holiday cheer. Literally how. On any given year, I figure it’s half fake cheer and half real cheer because of all the paid holidays and vacation time getting used up at the end of the year. Makes sense. But this year? I’m gonna need more than a fucking compass because I’m beyond lost. I’ll cop to the fact that I have mental health issues, but what we’re dealing with right now isn’t conducive for anything positive. I know so.many.sick.people. My coworkers, my friends, family members. And before it was like, “Well, we threw a super spreader event, whoopsie!” Now they’re like, “I don’t get it. The only place I’ve been is the grocery store and the vet clinic!” How are people even coping with this? I feel like I’m being gaslighted. Everyone’s like, “Yeah, it sucks, but you gotta stay positive!” Stay positive how exactly? To me, that’s what you say when you get lost on a road trip in the middle of the night and then you get a flat tire. Like, yeah, that really sucks, but everyone’s okay and your road trip won’t be ruined as long as you chill and stay positive. This isn’t one of those situations, in my opinion. “Just make sugar cookies and decorate!” And I get it. People are holding onto things that feel normal. It makes sense. But it also makes me feel like I’m going totally insane. Like, serious uncanny valley vibes when people are like, “Did you hang a wreath up yet?   ”Like, I don’t get how your hospitals running out of capacity and ~3000 people dying a day (all before we even see the effects of Thanksgiving travel) is a “stay positive” situation. Yes, we have a vaccine in the pipeline, and that’s awesome, but we’re still going to have to get through this winter and it’s fucking bleak. My mental health is hanging together by wisps of smoke. I get that there’s nothing we can do about it aside from wearing masks and social distancing, but I have such a difficult time with throwing my hands up and saying, “Oh well, a bunch of people are dying, but they’re mostly old or have underlying conditions anyway.” Or even just, “It’s out of my control so whatever, it is what it is.” It’s just not my personality type. I don’t haven’t stomach or the heart for it. Let’s just go through the past two days so we can examine how precariously threaded together I am right now. So starting with 7am Friday morning... I was drinking some orange juice before work and Kira shows me this picture of iPad stations being set up in a hospital for virtual end of life video calls between dying patients and their loved ones. And I instantly burst into tears. She was like, "Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't know you would get that upset!"But it’s so fucking sad?!?!! I just immediately pictured all the family members having to watch their loved one die through a small screen like that. Not even just patients with covid, but all the other patients too who are dying of other things and have to die alone. I don’t want anyone to have to go out like that. It’s just grim and incredibly depressing. So I pulled myself together and worked for 11 hours. It was another very stressful day because we have so much to do and our team is so lean to begin with that when you start throwing in widespread illness, it becomes quickly impossible to get things done. At 3 o’clock, I got a “business continuity” meeting thrown on my schedule for 5pm (on a Friday, which is unheard of). The meeting basically consisted of higher ups telling us that we still need to get everything done even though we’re short staffed, but they didn’t really provide the how part of that. By the time I quit for the day, every muscle in my body was aching from the constant tension I was holding. That tension and anxiety quickly built into a full-blown panic attack. I was just saying, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t” over and over. Kira and Lauren were trying to calm me down. Kira told me to just lay down, so I was just lying on the ground kind of writhing with totally unfiltered panic saying, “I can’t.” Kira filled the bathtub with hot water and I just got into it with all my clothes on- which, let’s just pause here. If you ever find yourself fully clothed and immersed in a bath/shower, you are not okay. That’s like the biggest red flag in mental breakdowns.But either way, I found my way into bed (in dry clothes too!) and they made me soup so I spent the rest of the night watching shitty movies and sleeping on and off. All good. Then today I woke up and I was like okay, I’m gonna be ‘positive’ today, which is the epitome of what humans are supposed to be, apparently. I think I was doing a decent job. Until Kira and Lauren were watching some crime show about domestic violence while I was drawing. They started having a conversation about why women stay with abusive men. Lauren was talking about how her mom used to stay at work late all the time because she didn’t want to go home and be around Lauren’s dad because he was an asshole and they’d argue a lot. I wanted to join the conversation and tell her about one of the times I vividly remember my parents fighting in their bedroom with their door closed when I was like 7 or 8 years old and I heard my mom screaming so I ran into their bedroom. My dad was on top of her and had her pinned down and she was screaming my name for me to help her so I started pulling on the back of his shirt, which was entirely futile. And I can type that now perfectly fine. It doesn’t upset me or make me sad at all. I feel nothing about it. But when I tried to relay this story to her, I got this far into it: “Yeah, I know it’s rough when your parents fight all the time. I remember one time my parents were fighting in their bedroom with the door closed and my mom started screaming for-“ aaaaand I burst into tears. Again. And again, not like just teared up, but started sobbing. Kira was instantly like, “Okay, no more of that conversation. We don’t need to talk about this.” She started apologizing for upsetting me and said they’d turn the show off. I got myself under control super quickly. Like within 30 seconds. But it was so frustrating because I was trying to tell her that I wasn’t upset. And she was like, “You’re clearly visibly upset.” But I wasn’t though. Like I don’t know what happened. I thought I could verbalize it as easily as I can write it down. I didn’t realize I was going to get emotional or I wouldn’t have said anything. But I don’t want every conversation to end when I get emotional. We were talking about a triggering subject and maybe we shouldn’t have been doing that, but for me a conversation isn’t over when I get emotional. That’s just kind of standard for me. I felt like such a fucking tool because they both felt guilty that I got upset, even though I really wasn’t upset. I just want to be like a normal person who can have a conversation about slightly difficult topics without crying. It’s so awkward and it’s fucking weird to get emotional that easily, especially as a guy. I felt like such an idiot, I just went to the bedroom and spent some time listening to music and reading. People walk on eggshells around me like every single conversation or storyline in a TV show could set me off out of the middle of nowhere. I don’t want it to be like that. I want people to be comfortable having vulnerable, real conversations with me. So, I dunno. How’s that for being lost with no holiday cheer? Sometimes the slightest thing will split my head in half A crooked picture frame, or the volume of a laugh I can’t deny, it’s disheartening ~TA |
"JAFBG" prompt: What do you absolutely NOT want for the holidays this year?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: Waiting for the Barbarians Day! Ok, tell us what you're up to and how you are preparing.Man, everything has me feeling some kind of way lately. I have actual covid fatigue at this point. I don't even follow the news about it, but of course I hear about it from everyone I talk to. Because it's so rampant in the States, I know several people who have lost family members. I have friends in the hospital. I have coworkers who are sick or in the hospital. One of my direct reports was just out with it for 3 weeks telling me how horrible they felt every day. We're breaking records daily with our death counts and hospitalizations. It's only going to get worse. I feel so bad for people all day long, but I'm really at my own breaking point with things. It's like, I'm supposed to focus on the analyzing the numbers, then I go to reach out to someone to figure out what's going on with their team and it turns out half of them are sick. I don't even know how to work at this point. Luckily, I've saved most of my paid time off this year, minus the days I used for surgery. I only have one more full week of work this month. After that I'll work 4 days and then have like 10 days off in a row, which I think I need(?) I say think because maybe my job is stabilizing me enough to keep me afloat right now. It's hard to say. So, my break will either be a very good thing or a very bad thing. We'll see. None of us want covid for the holidays, but I'm at the point where I don't even want to hear it mentioned. Like, I get actually tired when talking about the virus. I'm about to fall asleep right now. I was talking to one of my coworkers about it because we were trying to figure out how to get this deliverable met from a team when they're missing half their members. Morale is so low. During this conversation, I felt myself really nodding out. Sometimes I just fall asleep during stressful situations. For the holidays, or for any day, I don't want to be that person who's harassing people to get their work done when there's a global pandemic and people are sick/losing family members. It's not a good look for anyone. I had a coworker actually say, "He gets sensitive about stuff like this" in reference to me advising that we not give a 48-hour deadline to someone who returned to work this week after recovering from the virus. I'm not sensitive. It's just common sense that putting a strict deadline on someone who's probably still recovering and not even caught up with their emails yet is kind of cruel in my opinion. As far as the barbarians go, they can come get me. No preparation needed. Maybe they've figured out a way to live totally off the grid somewhere that doesn't have a horrible virus outbreak. I guess worst case scenario, they can bludgeon me instantly and I won't have to think about it anymore.  Actually, I probably wouldn't even notice barbarians if they snuck up on me. I almost always have headphones on, just doodling away on my tablet. In la-la land, as they say. Barbarians could probably sneak up on me, toss me in the trunk of a car, bring me to a remote cabin, and I'd still just sit there stress drawing while listening to music. That's a thing by the way. Forget stress eating. Stress drawing is totally hot right now. |
"JAFBG" Prompt: Tell us about something/someone that fucked you off this week.Well, I'm completely fucking infuriated today so let's rant. My doctor wants me to try yet another medication. I'm like a fucking guinea pig with medication. I feel like they show throw everything but the kitchen sink at it and are like, "I dunno why you feel like shit all the time?" Maybe because my brain chemicals are being constantly manipulated and every pill you take comes with a slew of side effects that are worse than what the pill was supposed to fix in the first place. I can't even tell if Kira wants me to take the new med or not. She's like, "Well, it's your life." I have no fucking clue what that means. It's your life so don't take a new med that's going to cause side effects OR it's your life and your mental illness is bad enough that you should try every med possible until you find something that works? Then she dropped this line on me: "There's always something wrong with you." Please do not ever, ever, ever, in your entire fucking life say this sentence to someone who has a chronic mental or physical illness if you care about them at all. Not only is it extremely dismissive of that person's issues, but it also makes them feel guilty as fuck. There's an implicit and on that sentence. There's always something wrong with you... and it's a complete burden. There's always something wrong with you... and it's annoying. There's always something wrong with you... and I don't believe your issues are legit. There's always something wrong with you... and it makes me not like you. As if it's not enough to be trapped inside your fucking head 24/7 or to have chronic pain issues. Now you're in the spotlight to explain yourself and your behavior. I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to say. Yeah, there's always something wrong with me. That's kind of how chronic conditions work. If there wasn't something always wrong, my issues would be acute. I'm at the point where I'm done even trying to talk to people about my issues. Like, I don't talk to anyone in 'real life' about any of my issues. But they sometimes "confront" me about something. Like, "Why are you being so fidgety?" "Why are you sleeping so much?" "Why aren't you sleeping at all?" And it would be super fucking nice if I could be like, "Oh, I had a nightmare and I can't fall back asleep." without it being like, but there's always something wrong with you. Like, what fucking purpose does saying that even serve? Ah, gee, I'll try to stop having issues that are completely out of my control? People have always made me feel like such a fucking burden to them. My parents kicked me out when I was 16 because I was a burden on their relationship. My brothers kicked me up repeatedly when I tried to stay with them and told me to my face that I'm a huge burden. As an adult, everyone around me treats me like a burden. Like my issues are a fucking hassle for them. Which, honestly, I get. You try to keep someone balanced but you can't because they have #issues. I understand that it's frustrating. But there's a missing piece there where it's like, yes, dealing with someone who has those issues sucks. But can you imagine actually having those issues and having to wake up every single fucking day as, you know, yourself? I really think I'm at the point where I'm done trying to talk to people about anything going on with me. Even here, I write about something that's going on with me and I feel this vibe like I'm being overly negative or annoying. I know people care about me, but because there's nothing they can do to fix the situation, I feel this energy like I should stop talking. And the people who made me like this just go about their business like it's nothing. Like, I've had them vaguely acknowledge me, just to the extent of telling me, "Wow, I fucked you up pretty bad." But what good does that do me? Now I get to just be in my twenties and be fucked up forever? Awesome. I'm just entirely incompatible with life. "Sometimes we talk, it's a total mistake." ~TFB |
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