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 |   A journey of self-improvement - or not. |
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Sup? I'm Char. You may know me from timeless classics such as
and
I blog for things like
[Embed For Use By Upgraded+] Believin' all the lies that they're tellin' ya Buyin' all the products that they're sellin' ya They say jump and ya say "how high?" Ya braindead, ya got a fuckin' bullet in ya head |
"JAFBG"  prompt:It's reverse Christmas! You get to steal one thing from someone else and claim it as a gift for yourself. What are you taking?"30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" prompt: National Pastry Day. Write about an experience of eating pastries. What did you eat, with whom, etc?Yeah, I dunno, I'm with Robert Waltz  here. I'm having trouble even making prompts work for me at this point. It's just hard to talk about pastries or the holidays when, you know, *motions wildly at everything* Like, I don't even give a shit to rant about the holidays this year.Honestly, if you can keep holiday cheer this year then more fucking power to you. Also, teach me all your secrets. Let me recap my day for you. So, before I even started work today, we all got a memo letting us know that one of our coworkers died. Really sad because she was a very welcoming and sweet person to me when I first started in the office. She checked in on me several times in my first month just to make sure I was settling in okay, even though she wasn't part of HR or any other department that would need to do that. She was only in her early 60s which is pretty young when people regularly live into their 80s and 90s. So that was kind of shocking, though not completely because as I've mentioned, I have several coworkers sick with covid at this point. It’s just statistically bound to happen at some point. Regardless, I moved on with my work for the day and busied myself compiling and sending reports. At lunch, I decided to talk to Kira about having Jordan stay with us for a few weeks starting next Thursday, which is my birthday and the first day of my vacation. She immediately said exactly what I thought she’d say, which was, “Do you really think that’s a good idea? You’ll need to talk to Logan about it.” Just as I began to protest this, my phone rang and it was one of my employees. He had a family member who had just died from covid and he was letting me know that he was going to be out for the rest of the week. I gave my condolences and told him not to worry about work and to just take care of himself. As we were getting off the phone he said, “Hang on a second [Other Employee] needs to talk to you.” So she gets on the phone and tells me that she has all this stuff she’s supposed to do this afternoon and she can’t do it. She was out with covid for a few weeks but has been back since the end of last week. She told me she’s exhausted and can’t even stand up for more than 10 minutes, feels like she’s going to pass out, etc. I told her to also just go home, don’t worry about it, get some rest. At that point I’d totally lost my appetite and just went back to working instead of having lunch. I also messaged Logan to let him know that I was having Jordan stay with me. He immediately responded with, “No. Bad idea.” I told him basically that I’m not seeking permission. I’m letting him know out of courtesy that I’ve decided to do this. He just responded with, “I see.” And I didn’t hear back from him again. About 20 minutes before the end of the work day, I got a call from one of the higher ups. He asked if I let Other Employee go home early today because she was tired. I told him yeah and he seemed pretty annoyed. He was just like, “Well, we can’t all quit working when we’re tired.” I told him we’re not all recovering from covid and she really wasn’t feeling well. He said okay, but told me to remember that we still have things to get done by the end of the year. I don’t really know what they want me to do. If someone is too fatigued to stand up for more than 10 minutes they can’t really work for 10 hours straight. I dunno. Later when we had dinner, Kira asked me a bunch of questions about Jordan staying here. She asked how long I was planning on having him over, if I really thought he was clean and how I could be so sure, what we were planning on doing while he’s here. Basically just a total interrogation. I told her she’s had her friend living with us for years so if I want my friend to come hang out for a few weeks, I’m going to do just that. I told her I don’t really care how she and Logan feel about it. I was annoyed knowing they likely discussed it without me. She said if I’m set on doing that, there are going to be a lot of ground rules. Things like staying isolated beforehand, which we’re both already doing. No drinking or smoking, which I’d try not to do around someone who’s just out of rehab anyway. Where everyone’s going to sleep, what we’re going to do all day, and all that kind of stuff. She said it’s a bad idea because my mental state has been up and down too much lately and she thinks we aren’t healthy for each other to be around. But despite all that, I’m kind of relieved thinking they might let it go and let me do what I want without hassling me too much. Obviously, I understand the concern because of our previous relapses together and our history and all that. But I’ll feel better having him here and knowing that he’s not alone trying to stay clean during the holidays. Overall, just kind of feeling like I’m surrounded by badness. Too much going on with the virus. I can’t wait to go on my break just so I can stop hearing about people having it and being sick and stuff. Hopefully that doesn’t sound too insensitive. I do care and I want everyone to be okay, but because I have no control, I pretty much just don’t even want to know about it. I have no will left with this pandemic. It’s brutally depressing. I’m at the point where I don’t even care about the covid minimizers and deniers anymore. Like, I don’t even have the energy to be angry. If I could steal something from others this year and claim it as a gift for myself though, I would steal every single one of their electronics and make a bonfire of it. Take away their access to fucking facebook and shitty media so they’re forced to use their own pea brains to form an opinion about the virus. Alright, maybe I do still have the capacity for anger. Shocking. It’s just absolutely baffling to see people still downplaying the virus. “Everyone is overreacting! The media is fearmongering! It’s not even a big deal!” If it’s not a big deal then why am I, someone who doesn’t watch the news or use social media outside of WDC, spending 11 hours a day five days a week attempting to keep things afloat and on track at work because so many people are sick or losing family members to covid? Seriously, I’d be fucking stoked if someone could explain to me how my real life experiences aren’t actually happening. It would make me feel much better. But it’s not going to happen because these people are just gaslighters who attempt to invalidate other people’s experiences because what’s happening doesn’t fit the political narrative they’ve been pushing on this since jump. Lacking compassion and empathy never falls off trend with these people, I swear. So I really need to just have a bonfire with all their electronic devices. This would be cathartic and mentally soothing for me. Luckily, my brain has gone into self-preservation mode. It can now instantly block out this kind of bullshit. It won’t even really register in my brain at this point. I see someone writing about how it’s unfair it is that they can’t gather in a huge group because people are being dramatic and my brain automatically crosses them out of existence. It’s helpful because with a quick glance I can be like, “Ooh, your opinion is trash. Got it.” without attempting to reconcile what the person is saying. It saves a lot of time an energy. Seriously, you know that when I give up on you that people are genuinely sick of you and it’s your fault. Because I desperately attempt to understand other people’s perspectives to the extent that I’ll make nearly endless excuses on their behalf. Even if they’re straight up abusive my dumbass will be like, But they mean well! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This year has broken my brain. Oh, and are croissants a pastry? If so, I choose those to have alone around my bonfire because I clearly need space. I've counted blessings while confessing I have some to spare. Beg or borrow, swallow sorrow, I have come prepared. ~TA |
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