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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| It is almost midnight. I get confused with the time as the computer I'm on is relatively new and has the California day time in it. But it's ok. I at least know the time there should a person from LA or SF want to call. I've spent a day that's had a murdering meme to it - my murder. I'm being killed still. I taste the bits of bad stuff that grow on petri dishes and have become a very sad person because of it. This sort of torment that comes from the remote places where bacteria are kept alive is not good. It's reminiscent of the sort of torment the 'saints' used to receive daily, because they happened to be holy. I don't think I'm holy much now. I used to pray more. I had the morning prayer the evening prayer and sometimes I'd go to the chapel once or twice a week to pray. There were Sunday services. And then there were the extra days before Easter where I'd participate in the Supper of the Lamb, and listen to lovely choir music and voices. Those were the days when I had no real idea that the adjective that was to be given people like me was "holy" or "saintly". It didn't help that I was not seen with my lover in public but we were together all the time, in some way. Me in my city and him in his city. We were so very in love one time in the past that the love we felt threatened a great number of people who said Never. So we had to part and it was very difficult but we kept in some wavelength and then later in the past several years I've learned he was ready to show that he was indeed interested in taking up where we left off. The sort of life I'm leading these days ins't very different from what people are doing since this pandemic came on the scene. Homebody, writing when the mood strikes me, cooking some snacks or foods, and doing the usual home stuff. Chores and then of course trying to keep from getting into a hellish thought. This is the thing the tormentors are eager to put me into. The weekends are their playground. They are all so very happy to inflict the hateful thoughts on me, and have (in the recent past) even got people from out of town to check into hotels and 'get the dream' of seeing me in a clinch with my lover or, get killed somehow. The people who are paying money to watch me get killed are nothing more than like the ones who watched the saints get tortured, maimed and destroyed in the Collosseum in the days when the Christians were killed for being followers of Christ. But these days, the watchers of these torturous scenes (me in the title of the 'movie') are anonymous. Nobody knows them. They aren't really known. At least in the past they were amorphous images but now they are known. Many of them are actually known to me as famous politiicians, actors (who are looking for a gig), and those who are my 'so called relatives' who work to tell all that they are related to me somehow and derive some fame from it. Yes, I'm famous now. I've been a woman who's been targeted, been the focus of people who have put on the mantle of being the One Who Has to Be Obeyed. That one who thinks she's going to be obeyed every damn time is not going to get her way any longer. I know a lot of the thoughts here are saying that my writing these things isn't going to amount to a 'hill of beans' in the fullness of time. I mean, I've been trying to defend myself for a while. I do have help. But somehow help is being held back for some unknown reason. Unless people are so kept in the trap of their own 3 dimensional lives that they can't do anything for fear their world will end if they even lifted a finger to say "Stop the killing of Mary Faderan". I can assure you that the trap of your lives is like mine and I am doing what I am doing to show you all that this trap is not something that's going to keep me from doing what I believe in. I believe in: Love. I believe in Children who need to survive and not be aborted. I believe in the Elderly who are being kept prisoner due to their meekness and having no body to look after them. I believe in being a Voice in this world. If my voice were muted it would be a disgrace. This means that the world is now a fully communist world where the only ones who can speak are people who are 'approved' by some communist-leaning party or organisation. I hope that the Pope is listening. That might help buthe's also in a trap. The Catholic Church, much as I learned my primary church stuff from them, is a church that's been built by the same people who killed Jesus. The people who killed Jesus hated him with such a vitriol that they wanted him to die every Sunday in the 'bloodless' sacrifice of the Mass. Well, guess what. Everyone who identifies with Jesus is being killed in that bloodless sacrifice. It's bloodless because the marks of the torturers are not visible on your bodies. But they sure are felt. They are the stabbings, the pricks, the lancings, the near miss beheadings, and that is the terror of it all. That is why I do not go to Mass anymore. I do not believe the Catholic Church is the True Church. I do not know which the True Church is. But I am guessing it could be the Lutheran Church. Yet I feel somewhat sad because it was started by a German. I do not want to identify myself in any way with the Nazis nor the Neo Nazis. They too, have been trying to get a hold of me because of some weird Aryan belief that I could be someone "holy" therefore they need some of my stuff to make a race of big godlike people. I do not like that. People ought to leave people alone and keep their hateful and murderous thoughts to themselves. I no longer have a real family on earth. I have heard that all of my relatives have been 'turned' and made to hate me. They are also the ones who have created a big lie about themselves and one of these is my late mother (stepmother, really) sally faderan. She has been showing people in her later years how very holy she was but she secretly hated me. She did not like me at all. She was jealous of the good things that I received from my lover. She wanted my lover for herself. She is still, or lately, but not much now, trying to replace me and make herself be me. If you can extrapolate this idea. Imagine that Invasion of the Body snatchers movie? This is happening. And so are the Stepford Wives happening. I think that God is a Great and Almighty God. He knows what I'm going through. He knows I'm his girl for ever. I am going to trust in Him as I've always done. I hope everyone there who is looking at this and watching the course of my life is aware that their thoughts are open to everyone in God's Heaven and they will be convicted of their thoughts. Tomorrow I hope to do some more writing. I am not going to be made to feel as though writing is going to hurt people I love. My loved people are few and many are impervious to the hurtful thoughts. I have also become detached from loving anyone so much that I would deny my God so that someone or something I love might be given another day in this world to live. I hope you all who are good and have been praying as well as you can are going to keep trusting that God is in charge. Mary |
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