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 |  Blog and other works of literary sense |
| Here is a collection of ruminations and whatnot. |
| I'm in a prison which is in my house. My captor is Nemesio Navarro Faderan who is also known as Agosto Roxas. Agosto was Ferdinand Marcos' hit man in the Philippines. Agosto and my 'mother' Sally got together when Agosto was hired by the Queen of England to give me a home and 'family members'. Both Agosto and Sally are bastards. Agosto had a number of women who he pretended were his siblings. He fathered several children from his 'sister' Remedios Plan (Clifford, Melvyn, Eleanor, Carole, Sandra and German, Jr.). He also fathered two children from his 'sister' Carolina Del Pilar (Erwin and Eileen Goldfeder). Agosto made up these families to become my cousins. My 'mother' Sally (or Salud) came from a family of Duques who lived in Bicol, Philippines. Her people were all her own creation. |
| The age when i became an adult: I was never an adult in my life. I've remained a teenager through my life. I hated the idea of being a woman who went to the beauty salon weekly to have my hair into a beehive or some ghastly teased mess and wearing Chanel-like suits and having stockings and wearing Ferragamo pumps (hint: I'm referring to my bad stepmother). I hated the idea of growing into that sort of person. I am going to valiantly fight to be someone else, preferably, clinging to the idea that I'm young always in my own mind. I don't like being elderly or being called that merely due to chronological age. i do admit to being mature but really cannot think of myself as some sort of woman who's on the wrong side of some stupid age. Now I'm feeling rather embarassed into admitting what I am age wise and I will lie deliberately: I'm 24 years old. This blog post was inspired by the book "Burn after Writing" - a book encouraging writers to talk about themselves and their innermost feelings, ideas and so on. I encourage people to write in the interim of their stay out of contact due to this pandemic. I think writing is a releasing sort of activity that's not going to maim you nor give you broken bones or whatever. Workouts are boring after a while so writing should be the other side of releasing some pent up feelings and perhaps to make a person face their demons somehow so that these won't ever bother them again. I don't usually go through some religious sort of thing before I write. I do'nt know if it will help but you might ask the Holy Spirit to help, of course. I do sometimes think of the Holy Spirit but I guess a good greeting to Him Who loves my Soul should be good. I am not sure why I'm up so early today but it's been one of those nights where I was alternately ok and sickish. I blame the dog for the sickly feeling. He has been always in a troublesome spot and so being a bit too close to him has been bad. I've had to cure myself with the following: food, alcohol (wine), aspirin, vitamin fizz and the internet. Thank God. But then I still get a whiff of some sickish thing so I am wondering what on earth is in the air these days. This is Monday and so I'm optimistic that good things will happen, but it might only be the timeliness of the US Mail delivery. There are some days that the mail carrier is overworked and our mail doesn't get delivered till seven pm that evening. I am hoping for good news about anything in the world. I sent an email trying to pitch a story to a magazine, I applied to a job or two, I put up some videos on YouTube, I tweeted several things on Twitter, and I am always gratified by a response, haha. Just like a kid I am, aren't I? So it is always good to think of theh new day as a gift that is to be unwrapped and so this is why I feel optimism. I do'nt think the it's a problem to be optimistic, and I surely won't go round yelling that the sky is falling. I have had a rather rough weekend but I have gone through it and it might threaten again this week but I'm trying to hold on till I get to talk to my therapist this week. I hope I don't start bawling at her over the phone like I did saying that I had become so very sad because my life is awful (boo hoo). So this week I think I should try to sound more modulated about my angst. |
| I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. But in fact it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do what is good, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind, making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with my mind I am a slave to the law of God, but with my flesh I am a slave to the law of sin. ROMANS 7:15-25 |
| Today is Friday and it will soon become dusk. I appreciate the length of daylight we here in the Midwest have been given. I dont mind it at all. I think for kids this is a gift. More time to play outside, and then the parents are relieved to have some free time in the afternoons to decompress from the day. I have not updated people but I do have a new job. I know that I've got 'new jobs" but most of them are jobs where I have to earn the money by selling to people online, mostly, and then to see whether I can find people in need of tutoring English comp or lit. I have yet to get a student in dire need of help in writing an essay or a story or anything. I guess I might have known that but I've been asked by the employer to see if I could see how I might help in other subjects like algebra. I hazarded a guess that I might be so they gave me an assessment test. I got 4 answers out of like 10 or 15. So there went the algebra tutoring. Who the hell cares for algebra except perhaps the SAT people or those who have nothing better to do than teach the subject. I predict that there will be a time when the need for algebraic equations will wane and we will be back to the days of the horse and buggy. I even remember someone in my high school say "Who will ever use Algebra in college or in life?" So algebra was not the thing to know. Not even Calculus and that was my worst thing in my career as a student. It threatened my GPA and got me almost to the brink of self-expulsion from college. I worried about this for a whole summer and thought I would never ever live again. The school never said a word about me getting into a dire state with them. I dreamt up the whole problem. But, I also got into literature and read Dorothy Sayers' books all summer and that got me into a anesthetized mood and felt more like myself by the time term time came upon us. Thank God we have books to read that help our sad lives which we've somehow got ourselves into a pickle time and time again. |
| It is almost midnight. I get confused with the time as the computer I'm on is relatively new and has the California day time in it. But it's ok. I at least know the time there should a person from LA or SF want to call. I've spent a day that's had a murdering meme to it - my murder. I'm being killed still. I taste the bits of bad stuff that grow on petri dishes and have become a very sad person because of it. This sort of torment that comes from the remote places where bacteria are kept alive is not good. It's reminiscent of the sort of torment the 'saints' used to receive daily, because they happened to be holy. I don't think I'm holy much now. I used to pray more. I had the morning prayer the evening prayer and sometimes I'd go to the chapel once or twice a week to pray. There were Sunday services. And then there were the extra days before Easter where I'd participate in the Supper of the Lamb, and listen to lovely choir music and voices. Those were the days when I had no real idea that the adjective that was to be given people like me was "holy" or "saintly". It didn't help that I was not seen with my lover in public but we were together all the time, in some way. Me in my city and him in his city. We were so very in love one time in the past that the love we felt threatened a great number of people who said Never. So we had to part and it was very difficult but we kept in some wavelength and then later in the past several years I've learned he was ready to show that he was indeed interested in taking up where we left off. The sort of life I'm leading these days ins't very different from what people are doing since this pandemic came on the scene. Homebody, writing when the mood strikes me, cooking some snacks or foods, and doing the usual home stuff. Chores and then of course trying to keep from getting into a hellish thought. This is the thing the tormentors are eager to put me into. The weekends are their playground. They are all so very happy to inflict the hateful thoughts on me, and have (in the recent past) even got people from out of town to check into hotels and 'get the dream' of seeing me in a clinch with my lover or, get killed somehow. The people who are paying money to watch me get killed are nothing more than like the ones who watched the saints get tortured, maimed and destroyed in the Collosseum in the days when the Christians were killed for being followers of Christ. But these days, the watchers of these torturous scenes (me in the title of the 'movie') are anonymous. Nobody knows them. They aren't really known. At least in the past they were amorphous images but now they are known. Many of them are actually known to me as famous politiicians, actors (who are looking for a gig), and those who are my 'so called relatives' who work to tell all that they are related to me somehow and derive some fame from it. Yes, I'm famous now. I've been a woman who's been targeted, been the focus of people who have put on the mantle of being the One Who Has to Be Obeyed. That one who thinks she's going to be obeyed every damn time is not going to get her way any longer. I know a lot of the thoughts here are saying that my writing these things isn't going to amount to a 'hill of beans' in the fullness of time. I mean, I've been trying to defend myself for a while. I do have help. But somehow help is being held back for some unknown reason. Unless people are so kept in the trap of their own 3 dimensional lives that they can't do anything for fear their world will end if they even lifted a finger to say "Stop the killing of Mary Faderan". I can assure you that the trap of your lives is like mine and I am doing what I am doing to show you all that this trap is not something that's going to keep me from doing what I believe in. I believe in: Love. I believe in Children who need to survive and not be aborted. I believe in the Elderly who are being kept prisoner due to their meekness and having no body to look after them. I believe in being a Voice in this world. If my voice were muted it would be a disgrace. This means that the world is now a fully communist world where the only ones who can speak are people who are 'approved' by some communist-leaning party or organisation. I hope that the Pope is listening. That might help buthe's also in a trap. The Catholic Church, much as I learned my primary church stuff from them, is a church that's been built by the same people who killed Jesus. The people who killed Jesus hated him with such a vitriol that they wanted him to die every Sunday in the 'bloodless' sacrifice of the Mass. Well, guess what. Everyone who identifies with Jesus is being killed in that bloodless sacrifice. It's bloodless because the marks of the torturers are not visible on your bodies. But they sure are felt. They are the stabbings, the pricks, the lancings, the near miss beheadings, and that is the terror of it all. That is why I do not go to Mass anymore. I do not believe the Catholic Church is the True Church. I do not know which the True Church is. But I am guessing it could be the Lutheran Church. Yet I feel somewhat sad because it was started by a German. I do not want to identify myself in any way with the Nazis nor the Neo Nazis. They too, have been trying to get a hold of me because of some weird Aryan belief that I could be someone "holy" therefore they need some of my stuff to make a race of big godlike people. I do not like that. People ought to leave people alone and keep their hateful and murderous thoughts to themselves. I no longer have a real family on earth. I have heard that all of my relatives have been 'turned' and made to hate me. They are also the ones who have created a big lie about themselves and one of these is my late mother (stepmother, really) sally faderan. She has been showing people in her later years how very holy she was but she secretly hated me. She did not like me at all. She was jealous of the good things that I received from my lover. She wanted my lover for herself. She is still, or lately, but not much now, trying to replace me and make herself be me. If you can extrapolate this idea. Imagine that Invasion of the Body snatchers movie? This is happening. And so are the Stepford Wives happening. I think that God is a Great and Almighty God. He knows what I'm going through. He knows I'm his girl for ever. I am going to trust in Him as I've always done. I hope everyone there who is looking at this and watching the course of my life is aware that their thoughts are open to everyone in God's Heaven and they will be convicted of their thoughts. Tomorrow I hope to do some more writing. I am not going to be made to feel as though writing is going to hurt people I love. My loved people are few and many are impervious to the hurtful thoughts. I have also become detached from loving anyone so much that I would deny my God so that someone or something I love might be given another day in this world to live. I hope you all who are good and have been praying as well as you can are going to keep trusting that God is in charge. Mary |
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