The Personal Element

Splash is one of the few memories I can recall of my childhood years. In detail, I see a grey basin full of water in our backyard in Pretoria Street in The Hague. The basin is oval in shape, large, it must be large because at one point we all fit into the basin, the three of us. 2, 5, and 7 years old? Probably. We left that house when I was 8 to move to a nearby town.

The house is situated on a dead-end street. A front garden with two trees, a golden yellow laburnum, and blue wisteria. Inside a long narrow hallway with one glass door with a door to the front room that leads to the back room, a kitchen, stairs to the parent’s room, and a small way to the children’s room. From the kitchen, you came to the enclosed backyard.

In winter time it was very cold, the room upstairs where my parent’s slept had crystal flowers on the window and on the bed sheet. When it was too icy they slept downstairs in the back room where there was a sofabed.
In the front room, there was a coach and a television set. I watched the man’s landing on the moon in 1969 and saw my first opera Carmen (Bizet). I was 7 at the time.

My parents were 26 and 28 when they got their first child, me. They would have three. I think everything was sort of okay when we were very young, but my memory fails me a bit. Still, marriage was not a safe environment for us kids growing up. We fought a lot and were very jealous of each other. They had a difficult understanding among themselves: a lot of bickering, verbal fighting, and a total lack of fun for us kids.

I think that stood out during my childhood. A total lack of fun, no laughter I can remember but a grim atmosphere. Why was that?

My father had a very good job as a civil servant with good pay and pension. We lived in a nice house and moved to a bigger place when I was 8 years old. They rented all their lives so there was no mortgage. We had family although not close by, but in the North and South of the country. My mother had a good friend she saw frequently, who had children of our age.

But the marriage was not good, not safe, not loving for us kids. My father was very dominating, my mother was of Indonesian descent with war trauma. It was difficult for her to cope.

I remember my aunt, the oldest sister of my mother saying that if my parents stood near a pool and all of us were drowning, my parents would save each other, not the kids. They were very drawn to each other in a love-hate relationship but were not very capable of raising kids. I think that is true.

Later, much later I learned from my mother that I was conceived out of rape. In those days when the wife didn’t want to have sex the man was entitled to force it upon her. They were married so it was his right. I think that stood in the way of my mother and me. Furthermore, when she was pregnant with me her youngest brother died coming home from the war in New Guinea. That shook her up as well.

The relationship between my mother and me was doomed from the start!

My earliest memories of writing an essay were in kindergarten, age 10-11. Topic: the carrier pigeon.

I loved the essay in high school. That's all I can remember. I was good at it during Dutch classes. I can't recall any topics anymore, shame.

At uni, we had to produce a number of essays on philosophical topics. I also loved doing those. With great results as I remember. Dream interpretation was one of them.

In my youth, I wanted to write about all topics. I always read a lot, so, in my opinion, I could write about anything. Once I started a romance story, but I didn't like it, it was not for me.

Now, it's still the same. I am an omnivore. I read and write anything.

My first diary was cut short by my little brother who read it. I was so angry I destroyed the journal and regretted it ever since. Never took up journaling again until 6 years ago at WdC. After someone anonymously gifted me with an upgraded membership and I started blogging. Have been at it ever since.

My name is Petra, (Wies Blaize as my pseudonym) and I found the program via Charity’s invitation.

I am from the Netherlands in Europe, born in the city of The Hague where I live now after residing elsewhere for years. The Hague, the administrative capital with lots of history and a fine city center, is the place for me. With more than 70 nationalities it is an international hub which makes it interesting but it faces also the problems of the big city. A thrilling mix.

I have been a Dutch poet in my twenties, publishing three poetry books but spent my time being a (Theoretical) Psychologist and Youth counselor for many years. When I got molested at the job, I quit my profession and after struggling for years with the ending of my career I became a writer. First, in Dutch with a different outcome, I published a few stories, but it all came together after I joined Writing.com, the online writer’s community more than six years ago. What a difference that made! I started writing solely in American/English and although I have still trouble with grammar and spelling (but tools like Grammarly do help) I find it a calling to be an ESL writer. It gave me back identity and joy in Life.

I have published a few short stories and poetry, and although I am blogging for years now I have never tried to publish non-fiction. My goal never was to get published but to get read, and being a member of Writing.com was sufficient in that regard.

My hopes for joining are getting the hang of writing personal essays (blogs) while learning more about the craft. Ultimately I want to write in such a way that it would be interesting and doable to publish my non-fiction.

To answer the question of my writing strengths is really challenging. I have never thought about this, to be honest. But my passion for writing comes to mind. I love the craft, the life, and the struggle.

There is not much of a life besides writing. I live alone with my dog Sprout and have recently joined the Red Cross movement to be a Social worker for Ukrainian refugees. It will start after the Summer. Furthermore, I am mosaicing and singing in a protest choir.

Why do I write?

In November 2020 I answered this question as follows:

"My objective, my aim, and my purpose of writing are the need to express myself with words and sentences. I feel this inner light to give a voice to what’s in my soul.

I write first and foremost to satisfy myself, but I want others to acknowledge my existence at the same time. I always write with an audience at the back of my mind. I wish to instruct, enlighten, and entertain as much as the next person, but that is out of my hands as soon as the poem or the blog, the short story, or the novel has been published. It’s out there now in the world, and in a way, it has nothing to do with me anymore. It has to stand on its own two, or four, or whatever feet.

I know I am proud or joyous or thrilled about its existence. Sometimes it’s not the best work, but it’s always my work, and it represents a piece of me in that period of time. That’s enough.

My work is my kids; some are healthy and strong; some are challenged. But all are mine, and I acknowledge their existence."

I would add today:

I write because that's the only thing I know how to do for the last 10 years. Blogging is my main daily writing although I try to write short stories and poetry as well. But blogging is my love! It's a combination of journaling and answering prompts.

I love writing because it gives me a reason to wake up in the morning, It structures my day and it gives me pleasure and so much more. When I am in the flow of creating with words I feel there is no time or place in the physical world. I am in the zone, the flow, or whatever you want to call it. I am totally focused on writing. It's my passion!

One of the reasons, probably, but I am guessing now, is that I have to be totally focused because I am an ESL writer, and English is not my mother's tongue (Could you tell? ) so it takes time to find the right words and work with Grammarly to avoid the biggest mistakes.

Second, I type with one (additional two) fingers, so I am writing SLOWLY!

And third, I always wanted to be a writer and now I am. Thanks to Writing.com I am evolving my craftsmanship. I have published some stories and poetry and I have finished a novel.

I am still an absolute beginner, but I am getting there.

Writing is what makes me utterly happy! Writing is my love!