%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  Daily notes and timed freewrites but mostly my blog |
|
All comments are encouraged, I am interested in what others think and feel along the topics I choose to write about. Highlighted entries: [#732826] "In Memory"        ![Merit Badge in Supportive
[Click For More Info]
Thanks so much for being a great support and wonderful friend *^*Heart*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Supportive-650.gif) ![Merit Badge in Fantasy
[Click For More Info]
Member of the Month - September 2008
[Link To Item #1340208]
Congratulations! *^*Bigsmile*^*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Fantasy-600.gif) ![Merit Badge in G. o. T.
[Click For More Info]
Thank you for participating in [Link To Item #1157596] 2014 competition and for winning 3rd Place! *^*Trophyb*^* As a group, you guys did an amazing job! You should definitely be proud of yourself for all your hard work. *^*Glass*^* Here's to a successful year and I hope to see you in 2015! Cheers! ~ Gaby](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-G=46_o=46_T=46-1970219_14.gif) ![Merit Badge in Dark Dreamscapes
[Click For More Info]
Thank you for you participation with [Link To Item #1157596] and for supporting [Link To Item #dreamscapes] as a member of House of Baratheon.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/group-Dark_Dreamscapes-1982963_14.gif) ![Merit Badge in Short Stories
[Click For More Info]
Thank you for your participation in [Link To Item #1157596] with written pieces. Whether you wrote poetry or a short story, doesn't really matter. I just want you to know that I appreciate your time, effort and working with short deadlines. You did great! ~ Gaby](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Short_Stories-2180.gif) ![Merit Badge in Generosity
[Click For More Info]
Thank you so much Dyrhearte for your generosity! May this merit badge inspires you to keep spreading the joy of giving.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Generosity-617.gif) ![Merit Badge in Writing
[Click For More Info]
A small gift for a fan, and a friend. Why? Because we are writers.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/genre-Writing-2180.gif) ![Merit Badge in Campfires
[Click For More Info]
Thank you for your steady participation in your campfire, as part of [Link To Item #1157596] ! You've shown courage and originality, and you've stepped up to the plate when it was needed. Kudos to you! *^*Thumbsup*^* You're one of the few who are receiving this special MB as a thank you for your teamwork. ~ Gaby](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/type-Campfires-2180.gif) ![Merit Badge in Good Deeds
[Click For More Info]
Congratulations, you won First Place in the March 2014 round of [Link To Item #gooddeeds] !](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/WDC-Good_Deeds.gif)  |
Step four of waking up and shaking up my muse is write something two days in a row. I've added to yesterday's static item and finished step 4. 
12% complete |
Three days ago 🌕 HuntersMoon   visited and commented on my last entry. Yesterday I responded and my response got me to thinking about the writer's block thing I've been struggling with over the years. I said something like my lack of self confidence is what is possibly causing the lack of creative energy which equates to writer's block. Lack of self confidence, isn't quite the point, however. Specifically, I have a lot of confidence in my writing ability, but it's the sharing of my creativity is where I falter. You see, I write to feel good and when I feel good I want others to feel good too. So I write to share feeling good. When my last love affair failed I lost trust in sharing myself. Innately, when "my companionship" was rejected then I felt all of me was rejected. I felt as if I was a throwaway person; someone not good enough to be around other people. Thus, if I wasn't good enough to be around those I loved, then my talents for writing wasn't good enough either. So I did everyone a favor and stopped associating with everyone, including those here at WDC. I have rarely ever received a review or comment on my writings here at WDC that was negative. In fact, here is where I've received the most rewarding encouragement regarding my creative thoughts. (Which is why I'm still a member of this wonderful writing community.) I have received validation, encouragement, and friendship over these long years to help me realize that I wasn't the failure that caused my life partner to leave; but point in fact, her choice to leave was her failing. My recent experiences coming back into a family circle and receiving unconditional acceptance I think has finally broken the ice around my muse. I've been thinking of warming up exercises to get my muse thawed out and excited again. Things are a bit vague at this moment, after all my muse has been shy for nearly fourteen years and frozen to inaction for eight years. I know I need to start with small steps. Step One: Talk about it  Step two: Feel confident enough about stepping out of the safety of the shadows to at least peak around the corner and see what is outside of myself.  Step three: write something creative--BIC and write a scene, a poem, a paragraph, a story--big or small, doesn't matter. Step four: write something two days in a row, doesn't have to be related to the day before, but it has to come from my imagination. Step five: BIC--write again and Step six, seven, eight, nine-- Step thirty: keep on writing. Step 31: If I haven't been taken over by my muse by this time then start looking at my old stories and see if this familiar territory will excite her. (I have this feeling, I won't have to wait thirty days for my muse to wake up.) Therefore, Step ?: Expand story horizons. I have many to choose from since my muse has played periodically during the glacial years. Here is a partial list: "Alternate Worlds Explored Archive b/j" [13+]; "freewrites: prompts, scenes, or teasers" [13+]; "Failed Magic" [E]; "Woodland Encounter" [13+]; "A Phoenix and Her Wizard" [ASR]; "Dialogue between a Priest and a Magician" [ASR]; "The Honor of Liondin's Legion " [E]; "Institute" [13+]; "The Mighty Steed " [E]; "The Thornton Mascot" [E]; "Communion" [E]; and "Sweet Breaths" [ASR].Added: Step 3 complete 
9% complete |
| Well, I'm finally starting to get that settled feeling. Two months ago today, I lost my job which forced me to move from western Montana to western Idaho. The difference of climate is telling; but, being with family helps. Today, I am reminded why I loved living in the Bitterroot Valley. I lived there for nearly 25 years (August 1992 to April 2017) and took for granted that the 80 to 90 degree temperatures don't happen until July and August. Well, here it is nearly June, less than a week left in May, and the temp is already 80-90 degrees. For the last 25 years I've taken for granted that when it got hot in the valley you could drive for a half hour and get to a higher altitude that would be 10 to 15 degrees cooler. Time to enjoy a picnic in the woods by a stream in relative privacy. Can't do that here. The hills of Idaho aren't high enough for any major temperature change and the Mountains are further away than a half hour drive. Also, anywhere you go to commune with nature is very crowded with all of the Memorial Day weekenders with the same idea. Even without the holiday, Idaho weekenders out number Montana weekenders by far. I've not realized how private my life was in Victor. I'm beginning to miss that privacy. I'm beginning to miss the semi-solitude I so enjoyed these last 24 years. The plus side is the growing season for the garden is approximately a month longer here than in the 'Root'. So, I will take advantage and do a little planting today...nothing big. Some beans, corn and pumpkin. and a few radishes. There is a corner of the kid's (by kid's, I mean my son and his wife) garden that didn't take, so I have replanted three hills with the three sisters (beans, corn and pumpkin). It is a spontaneous experiment on my part. I will have to let the kids know I've replanted the hills in case they decide to do some of their own replanting. The heat of the day drove me back inside. My son has taken the rest of the family to the river so the boys can play in the water. I'm content to enjoy the coolness of the basement where I'm set up. On the job note, I've not had much luck having a job just drop into my lap. The applications I've sent in have not born fruit. I can't say I'm disappointed about it though. I have enjoyed not having to go to work. I suppose I could go through the employment service, but to me the pittance of employment insurance isn't worth the acid reflux medication it would invariably have to buy. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying eating without the heartburn. No work, no immediate need to find work...(my son has assured me it is okay to take my time)...equates to no stress and no stress equals no reflux. |
| I was going through a box with old printouts of poems and other writings back in the day of Stories.com. July 2002...Bert and I were still together and I still believed in the stability of our love for each other. My mind was free to imagine and safe to express. I'd forgotten about this simple premise and am pleased to find it. Living A Circus? Have you ever lived a circus? Tell me, Have you seen the tigers and elephants do their tricks at the demand of controlling person cracking the whip? Tell me, you have seen the clowns either smiling through their painted down turned frown or the ones crying in spite of the upturned grin? Then, of course, you must have seen the high show and those walking that tight wire or reaching for the swinging catcher or bar of the trapeze? Is there a net below? Maybe. So, tell me, have you seen the jugglers multitasking and the acrobats who always land on their feet? I don't know about you, but even having never worked in one, I know I have lived a circus. I have not just seen but I have done all these things. Debora A. McKinsey 7-18-02 |
| I have visited my blog several times since the 20th of April, but the words weren't forth coming for me to write. Eleven days ago I copy and pasted a rewrite to an older story with which I was quite pleased; but, nothing of blog style has happened. Today I think I will push a bit and see what may come out of the ol' Just Be There and Write, dammit! I haven't had that spirit in a while. As I mentioned on the 20th of last month, My son has wanted me to be closer for some time. When his older brother died, I must have appeared a bit fragile because his invites were persistent for several years. My reasons for declining his invitations over the years, I believe, were necessary, however. During the time from 2011 and now I had a lot of emotional baggage to sort out. I still had the adult-survival of childhood trauma to deal with, as well as the break up of my last love partnership, and the sudden death of my oldest child. I knew, instinctively, that I must be alone to get myself together. It took six years, but today, I can see the benefit of those six years. I've found myself. I know who I am, not through the reflection of others, but from inside me. Maybe being over 60 has had something to do with my ability to finally mature passed my painful personal history. I'm sure living with only myself has had a major impact on the success of my present maturity. I believe that while I was playing at live in relationships, I was burying the past: or at the least, ignoring the past; so that everyday life could be dealt with. In other words, although it was necessary for me to attend to my children's needs when they were younger, my personal growth needs were not attended to. The same with living with the love of my life. Her needs always seemed to overshadow and distract me from attending to my own. I wish the dynamics of our separation could have occurred differently, I think I am finally the person she could have loved as much as I loved her. I say loved...I could never let that door open between us again. Her method of separation pretty much burned that bridge. My ability to trust her with my heart was shattered. I think we can be friends, but as most people may have figured out, to be my friend is a hit and miss sort of thing. Unless I see ya everyday, I tend not to think about you. I get too focused on who and what is immediately in front of me. So much of that is related to the self defensive behaviors I developed from my childhood experiences. "Out of sight, out of mind." Every moment was spent in self protection and survival mode when I was a kid. I could only see that which was effecting me at the time. And as Kenifyd's dialogue reflects, sometimes the past hurts take a lot from a person. Kenifyd was a story I wrote to get me to see what my potential future would be like if I didn't deal with my childhood trauma's. I could see myself at 90 years old with dementia and consumed by my personal pain. Kenifyd was set in a Mesopotamian type, rural setting because I like to write in fantasy settings. I personally can reflect so much more through fictional story telling than with realism. Reality tends to give me writer's block.  |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Ken