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Review #4714105
Viewing a review of:
 A walk in the countryside   [13+]
A vignette. A field full of cows. What could go wrong?
by Sumojo
Review by Dave's gone...
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
On share for group members to use
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Congratulations, Sumojo!

The anniversary master of ceremonies Sum1 is featuring you this month on the "Anniversary Reviews"  forum in recognition of your five years participating in our community. The following observations are offered in the spirit of friendly camaraderie and constructive support, but they are nothing more than one person's opinions, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

TITLE:

The title of a story is like the marquee on a theater. If there is nothing to spark some interest, the prospective reader is probably not going to enter.

The sign at the entrance to this narrative appears rather cliche and unlikely to draw a very large crowd, in my humble opinion. The first snow dazzles people with its pure white duvet that sparkles with the clarity of a fine diamond. However, it loses its luster after it has been around a while--trampled, plowed and churned into dirty sludge. Language suffers the same fate. Original phrasing and figures of speech appeal to readers like the aroma of Grandma's fresh-baked pies cooling on her windowsill, but stale, overused clichés disengage an audience faster than Leatherface dismembered victims with his chainsaw. Writers often use the most familiar terms to capture ideas and get them down on paper before they flitter away like fireflies in the night, but those hackneyed phrases must be weeded out before the work is presented for public consumption, just as Grandma would cull overripe fruit before baking her pies.

I believe you could strengthen the attraction by providing a little more suspense with something like "The Morning After" or "Blowing Cobwebs."

SETTING:

Imagery is the lifeblood of a story. Like a craftsman carving, molding, painting, and polishing wood, stone, clay, or some other material, the creative writer uses words to shape and paint pictures which evoke some lyrical impulse or spiritual truth. Rather than TELLING the audience about those feelings, the writer, through the narrator, SHOWS the impressions through distinct images that project emotional overtones and associations with other images and events. In this way, the narrator stirs an emotional response from the reader.

The specific details, such as "several cups of coffee and a greasy breakfast" and "black and white cows chewing the cud," draw your audience into this experience to share the moments and emotions.

CHARACTERS:

Your narrator's vivid descriptions clearly portray the relationship with the various bovine characters and the tension they create.

NARRATIVE:

Given the aforementioned "fear of cows" and "bulls," I find it difficult to believe that your narrator would cross over the "style" and "step straight into the stuff" before closely examining the landscape. Was that bull not visible from the style? I think a little clarification is necessary.

PICKY COPY EDIT ITEM:

In the paragraph beginning "I'm walking purposefully," "At least she's (should be "he's" to describe the bull) ignoring me..."

OVERALL IMPRESSION:

You have achieved the most important step in this process by capturing your thoughts on paper before they can fly away like fireflies in the night. In that effort, you have excavated a golden nugget from the depths of your imagination. Keep polishing this nugget to maximize the effects and transform it into the magnificent jewel it can be. Write on!

Let the creativity flow from your soul! *Cool*
Dave
"The Poet's Place " 
"CLOSED - Review a Newbie" 
* All items are rated in accordance with the guidelines provided in "Comment-In-A-Box" .

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/30/2023 @ 6:54am EDT
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