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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| I am trying to make sense of life and that means I need to enter the battle with my mind intact. My attitude and belief will get me past the traumas and nightmares of the past that move to imprison me for life I am a victim only as long as I choose to be. I eat and eat when I feel bad and nothing tastes good. It is the emptiness that gnaws. The scripture is in first or second Timothy 1:7. For God has not given us a spirit of timidity or cowardice of cringing fawning fear. But he has given us a spirit of power and of love and of calm and we'll balanced mind and discipline and self control. I can win the battle with God's Word committing to write on verse at least and commentary on blog. I hope to do this daily, especially when I feel the need to eat sugar, which tends to feed my need to punish myself with a reward that leads me to self loathing. This will take time. I am at 210 as if the writing of this blog. At the end of the month I hope to celebrate a sound mind by holding myself accountable to what I eat. May the word of God be my primary diet in order that the love of God casts out fear. Help me God. With that in mind I seek to name one way I know love infilling. Today it was in being with Sharon with my arm around her. I love the one God loves even if I do not understand. That is a sound mind. God loves me in that same way even as I seek out loves that ❤️ bind me rather than lift me up in praise to the only one setting me free. I will besides the ongoing blog, do at least one review and write something to praise God about as regularly as I am able. I will start with a goal of one more than I did yesterday and see where it goes from there at months end. God give me strength and a passion to be of sound mind, not crazy ir stupid as the voices of my past claim. I belong to the healing and hearing of God's voice without expectations I will get my own way, not needing to suffer. |
| Over 450 days. It seems like an eternity. I could find ways to narrow it. I could also look at alternatives. I could be thankful which gets to my sermon proper. I will take my wife to the hospital today. It must be a metaphor of some kind. I am dealing with numb feet and on the way to getting my back worked on. Vacation. I could get some. I need to talk to person's willing to entertain my presence. I am worn out. Help me put together the broken pieces of my life by praising the very things that keep me from letting go and letting God.. It sure sounds like the sermon in progress. I want a life and yet can not have it till I give it over to the the creator of all life in a spirit I'd Thanksgiving for it is a gift from God for more than a moment, an eternity awaits an opportunity to embrace me and all others God loves. |
| Here we go. Out of the depths. To seek to rise up in order that my eyes might meet God's eyes. I feel that I am still finding my way without anyone to embrace me. God take my emptiness and like a balloon fill it with your spirit so that I might fill the emptiness of another with your joy. This is the first day of a quest to 65 years old. With God's help 🙏 may I see your glory and presence more real than ever before. Praise God from heights, earth and as witness from those along with me have eyes to see. |
| I wrote my sermon today. It is hard to enjoy a day off. I pray that I can lift up in a spirit of praise. I in the course of doing this watching the red Sox and bruins in games that could go either way. So then what is praise. I guess it is deciding who wins the battle in the end. At times trusting God is the hardest thing anyone can do. So the heavens, earth and God bears witness. |
| I renewed membership. Now I sort out what this means going forward. I tire too easy. I am running out of gas. Lord help me find strength to make it to tomorrow. |
| It is a day that seems to last for eternity. It is Sunday. There is a reminder of the hallowed day growing up. I feared the day until I became interested in church. God was seen as a scary person who might kill or imprison. It was the day when I was put in the corner, because I did not know how to act in church. Now a days if I miss church I feel awful. So what does it mean going forward. I rest in the knowledge God is love and hope in time others can sing this truth with me. |
| Write to write to write. I am caught in my own puzzles. I wanted to write as a security guard. As a caregiver I am more content to live the tale as if anything I do really matters. I continue to trust the process. I have written and reviewed very little. I am left wondering what it means to seek renewal. I die to live again. Time will tell in the moments whether I write or give up the task as done. |
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