I think the poem is very well written. You have nice short lines with some good rhyming. The peom flows nicely.
I can almost feel the struggle the two were going through. They seemed to have tried very hard to make things work, not wanting to give up on their promise to God and to each other. You did a great job of bringing your audience into the struggle.
I will have to disagree with the conclusion and the seperation. It is not that simple. I have seen couples sturggle for years with the pain of seperation. Although, I give this couple credit for trying so hard, I still think love is more of a commitment than a feeling. God always makes a way. The biggest key is unselfishness I belive. Praying for the best interests of your mate is also a great way to see things from a different perspective. God allows divorce, but it is not His perfect will.
I don't see any mistakes in your poem. I probably would change the one line to: "Now it is time for (us) to part."
Great job of writing. Blessings, LaVonne
I like the way you personalized the seasons. It was almost as if they had a will to stay or go as you title indicated. Your last line sumed it up very well with some not wanting to leave.
I wasn't sure who you were. You mention sister sun, so maybe that would make you the moon or stars? Yet you didn't capitalize sister sun. I am thinking you are a person and refernces to you are yourself as the writer.I think maybe it would be best to capitalize all references to your seasonal personifications; Sun, Summer, Father Winter, and so on, throughout the whole article. When writing about a real person, you always capitalize there name.
This article is very creative and interesting. Blessings in the contest. LaVonne
Amen! Yes His is always present everywhere and for everyone. Good Friday is the day to remember how He died for us and our sins, and Easter Sunday is the day we remember that He rose from the dead so we have victory in our lives when we surrender to Him.
This is a nicely written reminder of Good Friday. It does seem more like a poem than non-fiction. Also, I would suggest you reference either your self or others throgh the entire piece. For example, you started out "His presence goes before 'you'; then the 7th line you said, 'everyday in a jouful one for 'me'. You could personalize the whole piece by changing 'you' to 'me' in the first lines or vise-versa.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Blessings, LaVonne
This is a cute little story. The girls seem very believable and the situation is funny mistake that brings a laugh. I like the title also. It is what drew me to the story in the first place. I'm glad the ending left Darla feeling better about things. So sad that a good deed will go wrong sometimes and leave a wounded heart instead.
I think the part about the kittens could be left out. It was confusing to me at first and I had to read it again to understand it. I think it takes away from the story.
Here are a couple other things I saw:
- the stone steps (two) at a time - should be spelled out, not 2
- when she held out her (hand)
Overall a great job of storytelling! Blessings, LaVonne
This is very good. You had me wondering from the start what this person was trapped in. Was it an elevator, a tunnel. My curiosity is peeked to the end. You gave no indication to the size, age or gender until the very end. The then few words at the end tells the real story. Well done in less than 100 words. Blessings in the contest.
This is a beautifully written poem. I like the style of 3 line, 4 line, rhyming. You have shared what many people feel at times, I'm sure.
There comes a time as our faith grows stronger when we doubt less and trust more. God is not aloof as it seems. His Holy Spirit resides within us the moment we get saved and makes Himself more real to us as our faith grows stronger. Keep seeking and trusting and you will feel His presence. Blessings in the contest! LaVonne
This is a nice acrostic poem about the tulip. The tulip is one of my favorite flowers, but it doesn't last very long.
I like the last lines, "Proudly Sway" the best. I wish you could come up with something else you could use other than "Two" for the fist line. It puts a limit on the number of flowers. Or maybe even twenty would be better, as you very seldom see just two tulips.
This is a very good article. And although I don't have kids, I teach Head Start pre-school. Some of your suggestion are what we do at this school. We always say "you get to be my helper today", and then they think it is something special and fight to be the one to help.
You could probably title your article "How to Get Your Kids to Help With Chores". I think every parent would want help with chores, but how to get them to do it is the problem. This might attract more readers.
I like the way your article is organized with your points in bold letters.
not sure the bargain thing will work unless you bargain with something important to them. They are not likely to give up TV for chores, but may do chores to watch TV a little longer?
This is a very interesting write. I have never been to England, so have no idea what it is like. I did here they drive on the other side of the road there.
What I liked: I like your beginning paragraph with a brief description of the setting, and the anticipation of coming back to America and wondering what it would be like. So, you have setting and conflict. I liked the mention of some of the things you liked about this country "Have a nice day', and the familiar smell.
What I didn't like: I would like to hear more about the contrast between America and England. What were the smells here in comparison to the smells there? How do they greet people in England or are they just unconcerned? What makes America better for you than England.?
I am also curious as to why you were gone for 4 years and what makes you come back?
Overall: I would say it is a good start to a story or article, but I think more information would make it even better.
It is so much fun to here the stories our grandparents like to tell, over & over again. I liked your little story.
Your grandfathers illustration of a white-out was very good. I liked how he described his over-confidence and then learned he wasn't so invincible after all.
I was a little confused with the timing of it all. What does the date '63 have to do with your story? Also, I did not know the song you mention, as others may not as well. Think it would be better to leave that off or explain it a little better. Don't think it adds to your story, as it stands just as well without it.
I liked the dialog between you and your grandfather. It seemed very real and believable. I like how you left us wondering about the end of your grandfathers story until the end of your similar episode. Of course we knew he had to make it back alive or he wouldn't be telling the story,
Overall: Well written and a very good entry for the contest. Blessings, LaVonne
I'm so glad you have chosen to make your purpose in life to follow God's plan for your life. I too believe the Lord has a divine purpose and destiny for us. We need to surrender to Him daily to accomplish that destiny.
Always remember though, that what God's wants most is an intimate relationship with each of us.
Thanks for this little piece about going through the storms of life. Keeping a good attitude through them sure helps. Knowing we will be better people at the end, sometimes make them more bearable.
I think this is written quite well. I would suggest writing it from a point of view that includes yourself would be good. People don't like to be told what to do. So, it you include yourself by saying 'we' instead of 'you', it might be accepted better.
I like your quotes from others with good advice. You could also expound on this to include some steps of advice of your own.
You started out with a good first paragraph introducing the conflict of clock vs. party. Then you built on that with the fact you were sneaking out to get to this party. Very good.
You kept my attention wondering what you would find at the party and how the parents would react once they found out. Also I wondered how the relationship with Tony would unfold.
Every thing was good until the ending. I want to know more about Tony and your feelings toward him. Were you nervous, heart beating fast, for example. Instead of telling me what he said, have him say it (show don't tell). I also want to know how much trouble you were in with your parents.
Hear are a couple grammar errors:
-relax in (a) nice warm bubble bath
- I (it?) was as if a mask
- put spaces between paragraphs
With a little more work on the ending, you'll have a great story. Keep writing! Blessings, LaVonne
Sounds like a wonderful place to be. Wish it could really take all our worries away. I like the description of you running with your hair blowing and sand squishing beneath your feet.
I don't know if you had a word limit on this, but if not, I think it could be expounded a little more. Here are a few suggestions:
- give us an idea of your age. Not many children have a lot of worries. Your mother was mention, so guessing teen years?
- you mentioned nearly forgetting your shoes, then told us the sand was squishing beneath your feet. Assumed you were bare foot. Tell us if you needed your shoes for later.
- describe what you were doing or thinking, when you were "standing there"
You have a good start to an unusual story here. The fact that Mallory is adopted by a different race could be very interesting. How will people re-act? What race is Mallory?
You have me curious, which is a great start. I want to here more. So, now you can tell us the rest of the story. What were Mallory's struggles in here first 7 years. Maybe tell it from Mallory's POV. How did she feel? Where was her mom when the boyfriends had grabby hands?
Just giving you some ideas on how to expand your story.
I commend you for putting your feelings on paper and sharing them with us. You are not the only one who feels isolated at times or that has gone through periods of depression. Though your depression may have lasted longer than most with your illnesses, many can relate to some point. Hang in there and never underestimate the power of the Lord to help you through!
Now for your article. It seems more of an expression of personal feelings or memoir than something for publication, so I will address it as such. I just saw a few things that might help it flow better:
- overcome with (fear that) this could be as bad as cancer.
- what a family is (leave out 'and is not')
- (my depressive state) you forgot the second ")".
Keep writing and sharing. It's a great way to help with depression and to make some new friends on this site. Blessings, LaVonne
This is probably the way a teenager might feel when first learning of a unwanted pregnancy. By your title I assume you wanted to show the hopelessness of this situation. You have done that very well. I could feel her hurt and her underlying cry for help.
Now you might want to write a follow-up poem encouraging young girls in trouble to see the positive side of being single moms. Babies are wonderful, no matter how their conceived. They are a gift from God and can be a great joy with the right attitude. You are never alone as long as you reach out to God for the help you need. There are places and people who will help also. Yes, it will be hard, but a person can look on the positive side of things to get though it and to love the child instead of hating how and when it was conceived.
Keep writing from the heart and you will go far. Blessings, LaVonne
I'll have to say that you had me in tears at the end. How wonderful of your teacher to do that for you. I don't remember the 30's but I do remember a lot of second hand clothes. We usually got a new pair of shoes under the Christmas tree each year. Mine were usually boys heavy shoes so I could wear them to milk cows and do chores.
You did very well to build up suspense throughout your story. You gave us a good amount of information so would understand the full impact of the situation and just how poor your family was. What I liked was the positive attitude you had even though you felt inferior at times. This story is very well told.
Only suggestions I have is to tighten it up a bit by taking out any unnecessary words or replacing them with action words. You might go though and see how many times you used the words 'was' or 'the' for example. Also, try to avoid repletion like 'if we are lucky'. Think of a different way to say the same thing.
I would love to be one of those "Super Mom's". Unfortunately, I wasn't able to have children. I do think that mothers have a knack for getting things done because they have to. I like your subject matter and ideas.
Here are a few tips that I think might help:
- make your paragraphs a little short or vary between short and long to make for easier reading.
-use spell check every time you write or change something. It's so easy to miss-spell words when you concentrating on the subject matter.
-If you have grammar check you can set it to help with punctuation, tense, and other sentence structure you may not think of.
Keep on writing, your doing great. We all make mistakes and we are all here to learn. We're like one big happy family!
Blessings, LaVonne
Cute little poem in a limerick style about picking up your room. I'm sure many a kid has hurried to do the same.
Not sure it meets the requirement of the prompt. Although it is about toys, it is not about a favorite toy. I am just pointing this out because if we write something for a publisher, we need to follow directions carefully.
I like the poem though. It has good rhythm and rhyme.
Thanks for sharing. LaVonne
Comical and sad. Too many married couple don't know how to keep their spouse satisfied and then wonder why the other wants to break up.
Well written article. You had me wondering what the outcome to the very end. Then you surprised me with the end result.
Good entry for the contest according to the prompt.
Liked your title as well. Very misleading at first, but all makes sense in the end. Can be taken two ways, cold inside and outside.
I agree that the health care system in this country has been its greatest downfall. I think we should never have had the middle man (insurance) and just paid for our own treatments. A savings plan for that purpose would have been better. I for one, can't afford insurance.
As for your article, try to find ways to cut out unnecessary words like there, was, is and which. For example: Instead of "there is Medicaid which is in the process of being cut at this time"; say, Medicaid is in the process of being cut.
Maybe you could end your article with a few suggestion on how to solve the problem.
What a sad story. Only one mistake can change many lives.
You held my attention throughout wondering what the sad outcome would finally be. One suggestion I have is to keep the story from the viewpoint of Ann. For example in the second paragraph, say "I took him to church every Sunday."
Also avoid repetition like "he began to heave" and then in the next sentence you said he threw up.
I like how you tied the last lines in with the beginning of the story. Also was a good surprise ending as I though she would just try to cover it up instead.
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