I like your poem. It is always fun to use "The Night Before Christmas" as a starter.
I have one suggestion - to keep the same flow as the first stanza, put the next two stanzas together, and so on. Like this:
When out of the silence, came a shout from my spouse.
'Cause something tiny and furry entered our house.
It came down the chimney, its stop was abrupt
And the season's warm weather saved his tiny mouse-butt.
On the second to the last stanza, last line, I would leave out the 'one' and just say "With broken ornaments and light.
Blessings! LaVonne
No matter how old we get, we still feel young inside. However, our bodies get old and feeble and make life hard at times. I'm so glad, at 68, I still have my life partner. I think it would be so hard to live life alone. I like your personal thoughts and opinion. I pray you will find some good companions to talk to. God bless!
I am not quite as old as you and lived in a different part of the US, but many of the things you remember are similar. I am a Christian now and have strong moral values. Yet back then we had those values, Christian or not.
I enjoyed your article very much. Some changes are good and some are bad. Wish some things were the same. God bless!
I think to be a good writer you need to love putting words together in such a creative way that it turns heads or makes people laugh or cry. I agree that it is more hard work than talent, but you need both.
I felt some of your sentences were a little long and confusing. Also, there were a couple times you used "has" when I think you should have used "had".
Like they say, the only time we fail is when we give up trying. I think you did a good job at getting your point across. Including conversation between the two made it come alive and interesting.
I think that God wants us to trust Him to help us accomplish the goals He has planned for us. Getting up and moving on after a failed attempt helps build character and help us emphasize with others who are struggling.
You have a good attention getting first sentence, but I am afraid it might scare people off from reading the rest of the article or book, thinking they can't be a good salesman. You could start out more positive. Perhaps, if you are struggling as a salesman and want to learn how to turn a "no" into a sale, than this is the book for you!
You might also add how many years Jimmy has been in the sales business making him an authority on the subject.
I like how you included tips and lessons and also that you would learn and laugh. I like your style of writing.
Enjoyed your story. I think many times as children we think the parents give undeserving punishment when really they are just trying to protect us from the many enemies of this world. Your story is a good example. God bless!
Sounds like you had a lot of fun with your friends. If only the kids of today would make some memories like these instead of just using their electronic devises.
I was thinking you used the word 'remembering' too often until I read the last line. Repitition of words should always have a purpose in the story. They work good in poetry, but not usually in pose. You could also say things like "and then there was the time", or "later on we", just for a little variety.
All in all, it was a fun read and will probably spark a lot of memories in your readers. Blessings, LaVonne
This sounds a little like the verses in the Bible where God is forming us into the masterpiece he intended. We are clay and He is the potter.
I like how (you) was never going to give up on her. The repetition of that phrase emphasized that, however, you could have maybe put it in other words to avoid the repetition.
The (you) sometimes confused me, like you were talking to me instead of the person you were referring to.
You might want to break this up into a couple paragraphs for easier reading.
I agree with you that childhood trauma does have an effect on ones life. How one handles it determines what effect it makes. You might include in your essay some ways that will give a person a positive future. For example, be determined to learn from others mistakes and not take the same path. Maybe forgiveness will prevent one from seeking revenge. You can probably thing of other positive ways of dealing with trauma.
Losing a child can be very hard on a parent and also the siblings. I think you handled it well in your future by seeing the good in your father and understanding what he was going through. Of course, that is no excuse for his bad behavior, but it does explain it.
Thanks for this wonderful article. I know all this, and am trying to build my faith, but it was very encouraging to read.
You did a great job writing this. You started out explaining what 'crazy faith' is, why we need it and why we don't have it. Then you gave us three steps to help us get this crazy faith and see our mountains move. You summed everything up in the closing paragraphs. To top it off, you gave the salvation message and invitation. Wonderful job!
I saw one missing word int the second step - last line "we are showing that we (are) confident in our faith".
Keep up the good work and keep sharing the faith. God bless, LaVonne
I could really tell the excitement in your story about going to London. Not many young girls get a chance like that. Your last line was good, summing up the fact that your dream was finally coming true.
Here are a few suggestions to make your writing look more professional.
1) Always capitalize (I) when referring to yourself. The small i works when texting on the phone or emailing, but not in professional writing.
2) Put an extra space between paragraphs.
3) Always use a line space after each person speaks.
There were a few things that were unclear to me. Who was Ashley? Was she a friend going with you or was she a sister? What is a "starter"? Your audience might not know the restaurant talk, so make it clear to them.
Keep writing. You will have a lot of exciting experiences to tell about. God bless!
I'm not too familiar with free verse poetry, but I do like the way the poem is set up and the flow of it. i think this is a subject that many can relate too. It seems sometimes that bad memories just won't leave a person alone. Trying to get to sleep when the brain won't shut off, a common problem. I think the real answer is forgiveness to a lot of bad memories, whether of oneself or others. Blessings, LaVonne
You did a good job of telling a story in a few words. I like the second part of the story the best. The dog and Joey were more real to me with names. In the first part of the story I wondered who the man was, was he talking to himself or just thinking?
The description of the symptoms of snake bite were very good. Also, I liked the ending where the dog was ready for the next adventure.
You expressed yourself very well in this rant. You also have a very good imagination with the car being towed while in the bank. Your rant is written very well. I think we can all relate to at least some of what you had to say.
Luckily I come from an all poor family so we usually gave all second hand gifts for Christmas and had a lot of fun doing it.
Blessings, LaVonne
I don't know much about the free style of poetry, so can't help you much there. I am glad you made amends with your mother before she died. So many never get the chance or just don't try.
You said a whole lot in a few sentences. Even thought there was a distance between you, you managed to build a close relationship. Good message for others who are struggling with similar situations. Sounds like you forgave her for leaving when you were so young. Another good message.
All in all, your message came out loud and clear. Good job. Blessings, LaVonne
Interesting story. I like how you just gave hints as to the family's situation. The real story was the escape from captivity of the family. Dogs are very sensitive to human needs.
Your story flowed very well and the transitions from one paragraph to the other were good. The love and appreciation for the dog set the tone of the story.
Try to avoid cliche's like "not a mean bone in his body". Try to come up with something original that might make your writhing stand out from others.
I think this could be made into a good size short story or book for children. Keep up the good work! Blessings, LaVonne
This is very well written. I could imagine the two looking at each other by the descriptions you gave. They did seem to hit it off a little too fast until reading the end. Not many would have the same weight as those two, so not many choices of relationships probably.
The first impression is that the two are good looking, no clue to the surprise ending. I didn't care for the vomit part though.
I have never heard the story about Valentines Day, so this was very interesting to me. I assume this was a contest entry by your opening remarks.
I like how your mentioned the different theories on how the celebration got started. Then you zoomed in on the one you liked the most and expounded on that story.
Your story was written very well with all the details of the story explained thoroughly as far as I could tell without actually doing the research myself. Great job on doing the research, by the way.
You ended your article with a profound statement that love cannot be beaten.
Didn't see any editing errors. Great job on writing this article. Blessings, LaVonne
The opposite of fear is love. The Bible says, "perfect love casts out all fear!" You are on the right tract when you call out to God in prayer. He has the power to heal and set you free. I will say a prayer for you.
I'm not that good with poetry, so not much help. I do like the rhyming and the flow of your poem. The message is clear and you bring it across with feeling.
I did read the whole article! Anyway, I think you did a wonderful job in getting your point across in a firm, yet nice way. I agree with you that responding to a review is the right thing to do. As I am just learning, I am not the best reviewer, but am learning as I go. Reviewing helps me learn just as much as being reviewed.
One morning as everyone was getting ready for their day poor Charlie just sat there (no ") After all his sister and brothers left, Charlie wandered around their (not there) house and found a (the) cat. He asked the cat, "are you me friend?"
The cat just looked at him.
He went on to find daddy dinosaur and asked him, "are you my friend?"
"Of course Charlie," he answered.
He found momma dinosaur and asked her, "are you my friend?"
She ansered, "well yess honey. Why do you ask?"
Charlie answered, "everyone has friends and they are too busy for me and I don't have any friends."
Momma dinosaur says, "of course you do. You have your sisters and brothers."
Poor Charlie looks up and says, "they are too busy for me. They have their own friends."
I will let you finish. Be sure to put a space between each time a differnt charater speaks. Put pharentheses only around words spoken and not he said or she said, ect. Be sure you have the right spelling for your words, example - their vs. there.
I'm not the best at puctuation either, but I am learning. You will get the hang of it also, just keep trying. Blessings, LaVonne
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