I thought this poem was excellent, both in its rhythmic flow and word choice. I also enjoyed its message as well. Please continue to write beautiful poetry, so we can all have fun reading it!
Thank you also for giving me a review on my poem as well. I very much appreciate your time and of course, your kind words.
This was a very enjoyable read...did you by any chance enter this into a contest on this site? I believe I remember a prompt about sitting at a bus stop...
CRITICISM:
"All that was left was his thoughts, and the reassuring weight of the revolver in his pocket."
Should be "were"
"John smiled at the driver and wondered if it would be the driver’s last day as well, it was all up to John."
Should be a ";" between "well...it"
General critque:
You did a nice job of creating suspense, which is definitely key, but I felt that at times the story dragged a bit. Your style is a bit jolty, and I would suggest reading this over a few more times in order to create a nicer flow.
Hopefully I was helpful, and remember, this is just in my humble opinion!
Also, if you get a chance, I'd really love some feedback on my story "will of the watch"
This was such a sweet poem, and I must say, I think I'd rather enjoy meeting your brother Nelson!!! There were no corrections that I could see, and it flowed very nicely...keep up the good work!
Good luck and keep writing!
-adam
P.S. please feel free to raid my port whenever the mood strikes...I always love feedback. As soon as I get home from work I'm def gonna read through yours! Excellent start so far!
I must say, I very much enjoyed this story. I love to read about perseverence, and this piece has that in spades! Very well done, but I do have a few comments...
"Unlike Ali Noor, his shoes and pants were covered with dust and grass stains marred his white and gray uniform."
This sentence feels awkward for me...perhaps a quick change to "..., grass stains marring his white and gray uniform." Either way, this sentence should be reviewed once again...
"Every evening, while Ali Noor was bent over his books, he..."
Watch the repetition here...perhaps an easy change to "Each evening", although I might change evening to something else as well.
“Maybe. But maybe I’ll win a friend, instead.”
Repetition again, be careful...
"Finally, the Sports Day arrived. Ali Noor was extremely nervous."
I would combine these sentences to make it flow better.
I like your dialgue, but I think you should consider using contractions. When most people speak, they say "don't" as opposed to "do not", at least most of the time. Take a look at what you wrote and you'll see what I mean.
Once again, this is a fantastic story to which I was happy to give a 4.5. Take a look at my suggestions, which are of course based on my own humble opinion, and I think this could very well be a perfect 5!
This is an interesting story, but I had a few issues...
First of all, your intro needs some work. An introduction needs to be compelling, almost forcing the reader to continue. While I was curious to read more, I did not feel compelled.
Second, a great many of your sentences can be combined, which I would suggest doing. There are a fair number of sections which seemed quite jolty to me.
"My mother was semi-agoraphobic among other things. We rarely left the house, especially like this. She wasn’t saying anything just driving. We had a set routine we were breaking. Dad goes to work, we stay home and watch General hospital and Super friends. This was not part of the itinerary. She looked possessed, or maybe more possessed than usual."
This is just one example...perhaps by combining the first two sentences, to read something like "My mother was semi agoraphobic, among other things, which meant that we rarely left the house; especially like this." You don't wanna seem jumpy because your readers will not respond well to that.
Take a look at my suggestions, but remember, these were made only in my humble opinion. Either way I think you have a great beginning for what could be a very fun story!
When you get a moment, perhaps you could take a look at
You have a great talent for haiku...u really do. I myself have never been able to write one well. Then again, I haven't tried that hard. Keep up the good work!
I especially like the way the last line plays against the second...awesome!
Fantastic piece of writing! You've captured a great deal of the emotion surrounding one of the most (more likely THE MOST) heinous atrocities in the history of the world.
My only criticism would be that I would take a look at your intro, where you use the phrase "slap in the face". It's not so much that I don't like this phrase, I just feel like you could find something a bit more powerful. It seems almost slapstick/humorous in a place where that king of thinking doesn't belong. I would change it, as it detracts a bit from an otherwise very engaging, and thought provoking piece. Well done!
good luck and keep writing!
-adam
Be sure to check out my new series about a serial killer who travels through time aided by a supernatural watch. Will he undo history as we know it?
This is an incredibly riveting, fun piece of fiction that I had trouble putting down. I was only able to read the first three chapters (and a few pages of the fourth). I have loved everything so far, and I must say that you are a master wordsmith. I cannot wait to continue on in the saga...
If you have a moment, perhaps you could check out some of my own written works. The first is the chilling beginning of a series about a serial killer who travels through time. "Will of the Watch Part One" [18+]. There is another story I also posted, containing magic, evil and the possible deaths of two young brothers, "Just Another Alaskan Day" [13+]. If you enjoy poetry, you can also view my first attempt in quite awhile, "AN ODE TO COFFEE" [13+]. I'd love some feedback on any or all (if you have the time) of these items.
What a fantastic poem! It intrigued me so much that I read it over a second time! Your imagery is both unique and beautiful, and your language is, for lack of a better term, poetic. You should be very proud of this finely written literary piece!
Perhaps, if you have a moment, you would like to take a look at the story I just posted, entitled "Will of the Watch Part One" [18+]. It is the first installment of a chilling series about a serial killer who travels through time. I have another story here as well, entitled "Just Another Alaskan Day" [13+], a fun little short filled with magic, evil and the possible deaths of two young brothers. I'd love to hear what you think!
Okay, this is an interesting premise for a story, but it needs to be cleaned up a great deal. One of the main things that needs to be attended to is combining sentences. Instead of making two separate sentences, try using a conjunction; it will allow the story to flow more smoothly. You had a bunch of gramatical mistakes as well, but I will not bore you with those details. I believe that with some work, this could be a fantastic story!
Perhaps you would like to take a look at the new story I posted just the other day. "Will of the Watch Part One" [18+] It's the horrifying first installment of what will be a chilling series about a serial killer who travels through time. Feel free to check out my other story as well. "Just Another Alaskan Day" [13+] It's a fun little short containing magic, evil and the possible deaths of two young brothers. I'd love to know what you think!!!
this story needs some work, though the concept is there. You need to work a bit on your execution, and by that I mean your language. Your writing seems a bit jolty, and I saw a great many instances of repetition. I believe, however, that this has great potential to be amazing!
If you get a chance, take a look at my story "Just Another Alaskan Day" [13+]. It's a fun little short filled with magic, evil and the possible deaths of two young brothers. Also, I just started a new series entitled "Will of the Watch Part One" [18+]. It's the chilling saga about a serial killer who travels through time. I'd love to know what you think!
this is a pretty interesting story...I found the characters enjoyable and the setting to be somewhat unique. However, while your concept kept me intrigued, your execution made this tough to get through. I think that your biggest probelm is that you write the way you speak...I say this, of course, having never met you, but this is a simple assumption. I also saw some repetition of words in some places. I have given an example here...
"In this town there were many SMALL houses, and some large ones as well, with many SMALL farms and SMALL families. The family I would like to tell you about was very SMALL."
very nicely done...I very much enjoyed this piece. You have a line, "burn to be free". Was this supposed to be "born to be free"? If so, perhaps you should correct it. However, if it is supposed to be "burn", I would suggest changing it to "burning"; I think it sounds nicer. Then again, with poetry, all of the rules of writing/grammar can, of course, be thrown out of the window.
Take a look at my story I just submitted last week, entitled "Just Another Alaskan Day". It's a fun little short filled with magic, evil and the possibility of untimely death. Lemme know what you think.
this poem is fantastic! The imagery is wonderful, and the language is both delightful to read and clearly the words of an excellent poet. I cannot stress enough how much I enjoyed this piece!! I am not sure if you write stories at all, but this may be something you can add to one about dragons...it might fit in nicely.
Take a look at my story I just submitted last week, entitled "Just Another Alaskan Day". It's a fun little short filled with magic, evil and the possibility of untimely death. Lemme know what you think.
good luck!
-adam
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