Brian,
Overall I like the poem, but I think you should change the following words:
"Want to be forgiven"
"Cause when you're down"
I felt that it was about a man who lost a trial and lost faith in Jesus. And somebody is telling him to keep hoping for a better life and that light is waiting in the end of the tunnel. I'm new to poetry, but I think it's not bad.
Best of luck.
Dear Emily,
I like your word game. You are saying that after cold, grey winter the spring brings new colors and more light. I'm not a poem expert - I'm new at it - but generally I like the word game best. I like the way you brought the idea of "the spring is coming" step by step. Keep up the good work.
I loved it! It was written so cleverly and so rhythmicly. The lesson is beautiful, and it was written more beautifully even. I've always liked this kind of storytelling poems. You deserve winning that reward. It was a great job, and you have a great talent. Good luck!
By your words I was able to draw everything in my mind. Great writers' sign is when you can see what they want you to see. I love the flow of the poem and the rhythm is just addictive. It's a great poem with a beautiful lesson, and I hope you keep your other poem that way. Good luck!
I don't think I've ever read or seen a better second Disney movie ever. It was funny, engaging and above all begging for some more. I think I'd like to read Belle's reaction to this - she was so sweet in the movies! You did a great job on it. I loved it!
I love how the poem flows and the words you chose to use. It explains exactly how a child is fascinated with building sand castles at the beach, but sand castles can also be related to building something and then the water washes it away and you have to begin all over again. Anyway, I enjoyed your poem. Good luck!
I love where you're leading me. It's got me all tense, waiting to see why Lexy's grandmother put down the receiver. I have the feeling that this book is more than meets the eye - has many twists, like the lawyer wishing to win Lexy's heart. The plot is well-written but with grammar mistakes. I've found two::
1. "lawyers' and doctors' wives" (if you meant them to be in plural) (if they're in single, leave the original wiring)
2. Gramms' or Gramm's (by the continuation it's probably Gramms')
The plotis very good and the sense of tension you spread really keeps me interested in the continuation, but you have to watch out for missing commas and grammar mistakes out of speech lines (not between " "). I listed some of the grammar mistakes here:
"half a smile"
"attraction to him"
"wavering"
Also, I found many commas missing, for example: "...breathless, lass." Commas help make reading clearer.
It was a heartwarming story. I was truly amazed by the way you wrote it. I love how every story appears in perfect timing, and how the characters have strange paradoxes, that are actually obvious. Continue writing like this, and you will be successful in short stories. Good luck!
I think your poem is wonderful. I love the choice of words and the way you chose to express it. It's very smooth and romantic, and I love your style. Good luck!
I love the idea of your book, and I think you have a potentially good fantasy book. But you still need to work on it.
First, it's better not turn to the readers in a book. You can always find a way to make it creatively. For example, if anybody asked Kyle how his father died he would still remember it like it was yesterday.
Second, your story takes place in ancient times, therefore the speech better suit your time. If you don't want to change all the speech - and that's entirely up to you - then just use mother instead of mom and yes instead of yeah. It gives the atmosphere of more ancient times.
Third, there are time when the description of a person or an object is perfect and when it bothers the flow of the storyline. The description of Shelby disturbs the flow of the story. I suggest that you find a way to put it smoothly in the story so that it won't disturb the flow, like "he looked into her brown eyes" (an example).
Fourth, in long sentences put commas so it will be easier to understand them.
Fifth, when the evil trio of strangers is talking to Kyle and Garen you describe the trio as disembodied voices, when they are in front of the friends. At least, it's how it feels like.
And at last, when you speak of terms like rainbow and purple fire you don't explain what it is. The readers won't understand it unless you explain clearly.
Finally, after picking on you so hard, I'm sorry. I only did that, because you have the potential to be a great writer, and this book can be a bestseller if you work on it. I hope you're not angry with me. Good luck! :)
I thought it was beautiful. I love how you grabbed my attention and made me want to read more and your careful choice of words. Just one advice for improvement: "The couple looked down at...and the gentle breeze blew..." All the -ing varbs make the story sound passive. Replacing the -ing verbs for the -ed verbs will make the story sound like it's happening now, and help transfer the reader to your world. Good luck!
It was the perfect summer love story. I enjoyed reading your piece. Technically, there are no grammar mistakes, but I have a feeling that it could be written better. Not that I didn't like the original piece, but as you will see there are ways to make the writing style more alluring. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I hope you won't be angry at me for this. If you ask me, I think you should describe the night when the couple was gazing at the sky and then dive into the speaker's memories of how it began. I think it might make the story more interesting. Good luck!
Emotionally and grammatically it's perfect. I loved the style of writing, the right timing for every memory and the words you chose to express the sadness of the girl and the man who lost Emily. But how did the father just disappear? Emily was probably killed by those pursuers. These two points weren't clear enough. Besides that I enjoyed your story very much. Good luck!
This is getting better every time. The plot is very interesting, and I have some correcting notes to improve this chapter. You don't have to do it, they are only suggestions.
In some sentences aome words were too much. They are listed down:
"..., and high,..." - the section between the ',' disturbs the clean flow of the sentence.
At the moment where Liana says the flowers are shrinking I suggest that you continue it by writing: I looked down - and my feet were floating in the air high above the ground!
"and I couldn't feel or see anything" would be a more polished way to say the same thing.
"the higher you rise the less oxygen there is to breathe"
"the nature was more dazzling than the city's neon light"
I thing "she's probably threatening me" gives the story a passive objective. I think "threatens me" would sound like Layce does it from time to time. -ing gives the feeling that it's happening now as you write.
There were a few grammar mistakes. I listed them right here:
"on a night like this"
"waving at people whom I knew"
"that I went through during the day"
"and shook it off of my hand"
"were underneath me"
There is a sentnce where "which" feels unnecessary:
"and stuck to my body, (which) the cotton fabric..."
Please don't feel like you have to do it, these are only suggestions. Good luck!
I think I'm beginning to understand that Liana was hired as a maid in a woman's mansion in modern times. The plot is leading to something more interesting, and I think that's the strong side of your novel. Your writing is clean and free of grammar mistakes. I think your book progresses nicely.
I think you have a beautiful beginning for something that I have a feeling is going to be very interesting. I found only one thing wrong with it. You said Liana was facing a mansion. So I assume your book takes place in medieval times or something like that. I suggest you make sure that your speech is suited to the timeline of your story. Besides that you have a beautiful beginning of a book here. Good luck!
It's a simple poem, but it's sweet and heartwarming. It's a good poem for beginning poets, I hope I'm not offending you with that, but I know there are lots of ways to make it a little more sofisticated and keep the same heartwarming feeling. I think you have a good basis for writing better poetry. Good luck!
I think you have the opening for a very interesting story or even a novel here. What I like is that you reveal the fact that Martin was married not by telling, but by showing. And of course, I like the tension you create in just a few sentences. Good luck!
Your story as a whole gave me goosebumps. I always react like to good horror movies. I just have two little notes for improvement, and I hope they help. First the past verb of to lie is "lay" (Walter lay there). Second, in the paragraph where you started with Walter going to work: "After arriving at work, *(name where he worked and what position he occupied there), Walter spent the next 5 hours..." I think it will make the story much more enriching as to Walter's character.
Emotionally it's a good piece, and it looks more like a blog message. I didn't see any grammar mistakes, and it's refreshing. But i have the feeling that you can turn this short passage into a beautiful poem or a short story. I believe in it very strongly. Good luck! I still enjoyed reading it.
It was a heartwarming story. I think the lesson you are trying to get through to the others is very important, and we should be generous with others not only on Christmas. Was it a memory? It sounds like it. In any case, the writing was clean and there were no grammar mistakes, and the lesson in the story is very beautiful. Good luck!
Your story was a little confusing, but in the end I understood what you were trying to get through to the readers. I felt like many of the metaphor's were unnecessary, like they were too much, and that the flow of the story was a little confusing, but I like the idea. Does the fact that Francis helped the beggar and held the lelvator's door open for the lady infect the story? I had the feeling that because Francis helped two people while he was late for work was an act that helped save his life.
All in all, the idea was beautiful and I simply loved some of the metaphors. In two places you need to add ', like man's. I wish you luck in the future!
As I had promised I'm returning the favor (my exams are finally over). What I liked about this story is the lesson learnt about friendship - that having a good friend is life-saving. However, I think you should take a closer look at the grammar. But all in all, I think you have an important lesson here to pass to others (it reminded me of my favorite sitcom Family Matters where each episode is a lesson of life). You have a knack for short stories. Good luck!
I read your short story with great anticipation, and I enjoyed it very much. I think maybe the sound is in his head. I loved especially how you built the tension using everyday humour and leaving an unanswered question in the end. It was a great read. Keep writing just like this. Good luck!
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